Friday, July 8, 2016

When the Child of a Narcissist Finally Understands... They will never be accepted.

Shortly after I was discarded by the abuser, one of the twins announced that he/she was TRANSGENDERED. 

The abuser is a very VERBAL HOMOPHOBE. While I was able to accept this as his belief, and remain supportive, I SERIOUSLY advised him NOT to tell his Father. 

I truly feared what his reaction would be. 

This was his chosen "Golden Child" and I KNEW that the abuser was NOT going to accept that the one he had slated as his "Mini Me" was "imperfect". 

Truthfully, I thought perhaps it was a phase induced by the trauma of the divorce and the horrible stress we had been living second thought was that maybe he was gay and just could not accept it due to the homophobic rhetoric he was exposed to since birth. 

Of course, he refused to remain silent any longer (stating that he knew for a long time but was "afraid" to tell me while his Father was here) and he DID tell her Father. 

(Here, at home, "he" began to be referred to as "she", which is the way she is referred to in this way below).

Her Father first said I put her up to it, then said she was mentally ill, then allowed her to dress in private, during visits, but was always badgering her, making fun of her to his friends...dismissing her. LAUGHING AT HER like it was a big joke. She tolerated this in hopes that he was ACTUALLY accepting her but I KNEW BETTER. I said nothing...because I ALSO knew that she was going to find out the truth eventually. His "acceptance" was merely for the courts. The abuser THOUGHT he could "fix her". 

There WAS no TRUE acceptance. 

But I did not dash her hopes. I knew the abuser would do that eventually.

During a visit with the abuser a few months transgender child (by that time 16 years old) attempted to speak to him, rationally, about hormone blockers (which the abuser refuses to allow) and was met with the same lies, lack of acceptance and BS that he always spews. 

"It is your Mom's fault!" 

You see, he is telling our child that if I PAY to have her evaluated by an endocrinologist, pay for all the labs and fees, pay for the abuser to spend time with the endocrinologist...he will then consider allowing the blockers if I PAY FOR THEM.

BUT you see, the problem is, the abuser has already told ME that he is NEVER going to sign for this treatment. 

This is just one more way for him to make me spend money, to stress me financially to pay for something that will make NO DIFFERENCE in his decision and to make everything appear to be my fault. 

I had already told my daughter why it is USELESS to have the work up done because her Father has already STATED that he will NEVER ALLOW THE TREATMENT. I had encouraged her simply to wait until she is 18 when he will not be able to stop her. 

Again, my child does not accept the fact that her future is being controlled by her Father's intolerance and that the changes her body will go through in that period can never be reversed. 

So, the confrontation ended with an angry outburst that is TYPICAL of a frustrated 16 year old... and a complete drop of the abusers mask. 

The abuser began screaming, ranting and losing his shit, kicking our child out of his home and stating "You no longer have a Father". 

He loaded her into the car, without even contacting me first to tell me what happened, and unceremoniously discarded her on my doorstep at 11PM on a school night. 

She was shaking and nearly hysterical. She was unable to attend school the next day...unable to sleep. 

She just sat there that night, eyes full of tears but not falling down her face, curled up, holding her knees to her chest, on the floor. At first unable to speak at all and then speaking with a shaking voice full of shock and uncertainty. 

When she finally told me what happened, it turns out she was so angry she actually said (to her brother) 

"He is ruining my life. I feel like just going to the kitchen and getting a knife and killing him!"

Turns out the abuser was listening at the closed door, spying (his constant habit) and heard her. 
That was when the crap hit the fan. 

She is 5-4...barely 100 lbs...she made no attempt to actually obtain a knife. Even I COULD, physically, defend myself from her if I truly needed to...but she has NEVER been violent.. 

She was verbally releasing anger in what, she had a right to assume, was a safe environment...during a private conversation with her sibling. 

You see...its not about the abuser being physically afraid (although...that is what he maintains and that, in itself, is not something I would proudly claim....a grown man afraid of a slight, petite, 16 yr old girl. I do not know if he realizes how very idiotic and pathetic that claim is...and how quickly the court would see through it). 

IN REALITY...NO one is ALLOWED to be angry with one is ALLOWED to display any disagreement or anger at him... NO one is allowed to QUESTION HIM. No one is allowed to attempt to communicate anything to him. When HE DECIDES the conversation is is OVER. NO ONE is allowed to call him on his lies and his bullshit. Anyone who does is quickly discounted, discarded and vilified.

HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO COUNTS...always was and always will be. When it comes right down to it...when his rules were not followed, his true self comes out...and that true self is incapable of being a father because he never grew up. He discarded his child because she was no fun to play with anymore and refused to follow the "unspoken rules" and was, therefore, UNWORTHY of his love...UNWORTHY of his attention...and of no further USE to his plan.

As her REAL PARENT, I advised her that if she had said that about me, I would also have been upset. (who knows...perhaps she has..perhaps all of my children have, at one time or another, said they hated me, they wished I would die, etc...but since I do not SPY on my children and invade their privacy..I would not know would I?)

HOWEVER, I also told her that, in my opinion, her Father's reaction was not appropriate. 

I would have wanted to talk about it, to get to the root of that anger, to try to come to a solution. 

Speaking from experience...I can imagine why she was in a state of shock, so confused and afraid. I have SEEN what she likely saw in his eyes that night. I have FELT that fear and I saw it in her. I truly felt for her and I also knew that it changed her in ways that will never entirely go away. 

She has finally internalized the COLLAPSE of the delusion he had built over her entire lifetime. It is painful and life altering. 

She is not just "upset with her Father" ...this was not a "fight" or an "argument". This is not a typical confrontation between parent and child. 

Evidence of that fact lies in that this is one of the FIRST confrontations they have ever had...and her Father chose to move to the "big guns" immediately. 

His response was NOT "You are really making me ANGRY" 

but it was "Get OUT of my house!" 

She now FEARS HIM and what she FEARS he might be capable of. She no longer feels SAFE with him. I do not think that is going to go away and she most CERTAINLY is not going to "forget about it".

You see...even in the actions of the abuser he is showing that he KNOWS that  I AM THE REAL PARENT...

I am the one who has been here ALL THE TIME...

I am the one who has the responsibility to ALWAYS BE THERE for my kids...

HE only plays with them, uses them for attention (and ALWAYS HAS), when it is convenient...and then when they do not behave as he thinks they should, he ceases to act in the role of parent and becomes a childish bully. 

DISMISSING them from his presence with threats and fear. 

The next day the abuser would call her "homicidal" and "mentally ill" while speaking to her Brother. That was enough for my daughter. She refuses to have any further contact. She fears for her safety and feels very unaccepted over there. She is ridiculed, made fun of, dismissed, marginalized and treated as an abomination and a mental defective. 

He did not attempt to contact her for over a week...punishing her (in his eyes), leaving her to worry and stress. THAT was part of the plan. 

In HER eyes, the abuser was simply confirming the fact that he was not sorry, not concerned, did not care about her, her concerns or her pain. 

He waited for her to RELENT. 

Even when a normal parent and child is in a reasonable conflict, even when the parent is convinced the child is wrong... typically, it is the LOVE of the parent (for the child) that leads them to attempt to resolve the conflict as quickly as possible and minimize the damage to the relationship. 

It is NOT NORMAL to purposely increase the distress of ANYONE YOU LOVE in order to TEACH THEM A LESSON.

Can you imagine telling your minor child you are no longer their parent, kicking them out of your house in tears and NOT trying to reach them for more than a week? Then, once you finally get them on the phone...pretending as if nothing happened?

No, I would bet not.

Instead of showing any love, or even concern, the abuser waited for HER to realize SHE was "wrong". Waited for her to APOLOGIZE for being what she is and return to the pattern of being a compliant, non-questioning, emotionless possession.

NOT part of HIS plan was that the damage is done...this is not going to go away...she is not going to apologize and feed his fantasy of being the victim. She is not going to pretend this did not happen

She is DONE.

I don't think the courts can change that... no matter how many times he says "Make it so".

Monday, July 4, 2016

A question of faith

A question of Faith

Sometimes I feel like I may be a “whiner”. Each time I write on a different subject, I always seem to be saying…

 “This is the WORST thing that happened during my “psychological captivity”.

As I go through this process, I have started to recognize just HOW much this captivity, and my refusal to deal with it, has damaged my children and me. Each aspect was awful and they ALL seem devastatingly so now. So please excuse my repetition of this phrase…

One type of abuse that I had nearly TOTALLY failed to consider until very recently was the SPIRITUAL abuse. I suppose this is because I figure that I am an adult woman. My Faith in a Higher Purpose was already ingrained prior to meeting my captor.  It is normal that my Faith will be tested and may ebb…as this is just LIFE. I always KNEW that I had been given a firm footing and that my Faith would return to me.

What I FAILED to consider was that this was not true for my CHILDREN!

My Mother was deeply religious…flawed, just as we all are, but her FAITH was always present and unwavering.

For those who are not religious…I am not speaking of RELIGION. I am speaking of FAITH, wherever you may choose to place it.
  •        Faith in God
  •        Faith in a Higher Power
  •        Faith in the Universe
  •        Faith in Jah
  •        Faith in the Human Race
  •        Faith in Karma
  •        Faith in YOURSELF

It does not matter WHERE you place your FAITH…
Only that you have something to place your FAITH IN!

During my captivity…I began to place MY faith in my captor. Within just a few years that transition was complete. My faith in all other things was swept aside…even my faith in ME. I began to see HIM as the center of my universe. As I examine my magical thinking, and the delusions I HAD which resulted from this, it now seems pretty lame. 

As my faith in THESE ILLUSIONS began to wane over the last 5 years of the relationship …I was truly FLOUNDERING! 

I had FAITH in NOTHING ELSE to sustain me. I had SO COMPLETELY placed my FAITH in this “tin God” that I had no faith in anything else…so when my faith in him was shaken…I stood ALONE. My life became pointless and useless and petty and worthless. I began to see myself as SO COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT that, had I been prone to thought of suicide…that may have seemed like the best option.

Thankfully, My “Mr. Spock” often has thoughts of the illogical nature of suicide.

“So…you die and you have no more problems…but you are dead and cannot enjoy this “Problem Free” state so what is the POINT?!?”

If I was depending upon my faith in GOD to help me…that would have been bad…as I did not feel any. My TIN God was telling me I was insane, could not trust myself, damaged beyond repair, insufficient, unworthy, defective, useless…My GOD was my Captor.

So, instead, I walked around as a Zombie. I went through my day to day life in a state of numb, resolute, fugue. My only emotion was anger and even that appeared only in dealing with “outside” issues, such as employment. At home…I simply closed my eyes and forged ahead blindly. I felt totally HOPELESS and OUT OF CONTROL…Empty and drained.

THIS I did to MYSELF! 
I CHOSE to put my faith in this pompous little windbag captor!

My CHILDREN…however…had no such CHOICE. I CHOSE for them as well. THAT I deeply regret and the consequences that are being paid by those children are awful.

I cannot UNDO this…I cannot reverse time! If I BALK TOO MUCH at it now…I, once again, will appear to be a fanatic, a vindictive Bitch, a mental defective, a liar and a hypocrite.

NOW I MUST WORK SLOWLY to model faith for my children...hoping they will FIND their FAITH, in SOMETHING! I know that I cannot CHOOSE what they will put their faith IN. 

At this point, as I see it, one seems to have his faith based in HIMSELF and his intelligence…one has his FAITH based in the universe and Karma, one has his faith based in the overall existence of good people and the human race and the last (the one that worries me MOST) still has his faith based in the CAPTOR.

NONE of them profess a belief in GOD, at all. 

How can I blame them…I have modeled NO SUCH FAITH for them. While I always believed in God...God was never a consideration in our household. The only God we feared, lived for, tried to pacify was the self-professing imitation of perfection that tormented us, used us, tried so hard to turn us against each other and then, eventually, released us after he found a more "lucrative" victim on which to concentrate.

The abuser who spouts Bible verses, posts "praise God" each morning and "Thank you Father" each night... and between times commits every sin known to man and God without fear, regret, guilt or shame. One who has no empathy and seems to BELIEVE that GOD HIMSELF feels that he is worthy of being given a "pass" to do whatever "feels good" to him in the moment...including those things that are against man's laws...little things like paying taxes. 

He does not worry about this at all...because he truly feels he is ABOVE IT and too smart to be caught. 

His crimes do not merely fall into a MORALITY issue but a CRIMINAL issue as well. 

While I do not hate him, there is a part of me that hopes he will, one day, be forced to face those consequences and the danger his actions placed our family in for all those years. 


I think a little audit by the IRS, some hefty fines, a few days in jail and the loss of his business license might just do the trick! 


Still, in order to be happy and content... Everyone needs to have faith in SOMETHING. 

It does not matter what.

But it must be something in which faith has a chance of being deserved. At least three, of my four, sons have SOME CHANCE of having faith in something that is realistic. 

The fourth may be headed for a big FALL.

Because of all things he might have had faith in…he has selected the ONE thing that is BOUND, without a shadow of a doubt, to prove UNWORTHY of that FAITH.

It really hurts me to see that…and I feel guilt and shame for my part in it…

Still, we have marched through guilt and shame many times. Some of it we deserved to carry....much of it was thrust upon our backs by the abusers. They have no ability to accept, feel or process feelings of regret, empathy or shame. Their only "option" is to shift it onto others.

As the saying goes...I have "broad shoulders" and though I may be stooping under the weight at times...I cannot be broken. 

We cannot be truly broken anymore than the abusers can be truly unbroken.