Living Life As A Reflection- A Poem

Re-post from a reader....

Living as a Reflection...

I lived many years as a reflection

One who was not really alive and stung by rejection

No action taken quite good enough

These chains on my mind trying to slough

As piece by piece my soul was dismantled

All that was once me, endlessly channeled

Down a bottomless hole which will never be filled

On rock hard ground that will never be tilled

I became nothing but an empty shell

What once was me now trapped in Hell

My daily thought was keeping you sated

An impossible task which you had slated

Nothing exists save your perception

As I engaged in self-deception

I could not cope with the truth you see

You never really honored me

The vows you took were only lies

The man I saw was a disguise

The name I took was only that

Your mask to change like a hat

So when you discarded us and walked away

It was in confusion I met that day

Part of me with injuries deep

My vow intact, but on your heap.

I tried with great persistence to

Keep the vow I made to you

Despite the pain I felt inside

Despite this awful, dizzying ride

Another part glimpsed the light

and, Oh, my soul it took to flight!

Could I escape this endless plight

Leave this dark, perpetual night?

The decision removed from my grasp

No longer mine, not in my clasp

The guilt I feared in seeking peace

No longer tore my heart with grief!

A final gift you gave to me

Though meant as less than that you see

You sought to cause me pain in ending

This time of lies and pretending.

I will admit that I felt pain

Seeing everything you sought to gain

and day by day it became more clear

As my name you sought to smear

I lived so long in the mirror here

ignoring every lie and sneer

Trying to see the best in you

Which sadly wasn't ever true

So, though I was confused of course

and met the ending with remorse

I did not mourn your "love" you see

For that was never given to me

Instead I mourned the man in my mind

the one I sought so hard to find

The man who never really knew

the meaning of the vow I made to you

Who never saw worth in what he had

Who felt that what he left was bad

Who sees no worth in his life today

Hide that dark, empty soul and run away!

We will learn to live anew,

without the mirror we all knew

Look back at what you left without a care

You black, blank mirror standing there!

15 distinctive phases of a relationship with an N/S/P.

Re-post from reader....

This is a listing of the 15 distinctive phases that I have identified in a typical NS abusive relationship. Please feel free to comment if you think there are others I might have missed. The changes we go through while being brainwashed and abused take us from one high stress period to another. We should be proud that we have survived the turmoil...and if we can retain our empathy and caring for others.....we MUST be wonderful, valuable people indeed!

1. Honeymoon period

The target is basking in the attention of, what they believe to be, the most wonderful relationship they have ever known. Head over heals in love and feeling VERY lucky. Often, the target feels as though they "must be dreaming" or "they do not deserve such a wonderful partner". The target lets down ALL BOUNDARIES and shares their innermost secrets and feelings with the abuser. They BELIEVE that the abuser is, likewise, being open and sharing truths about themselves as well. 

2. Idolization Period #1

The target is still on their best behavior and gives, without limit, of themselves and of their possessions. By the end of this period, the abuser has AL needed information to begin to control the target and the target has nearly NO FACTUAL information about the abuser. The target is likely to neglect everyone else in their life and focus ONLY on the abuser. The abuser seems to be doing this as well. The abuser pushes the relationship into very high gear and things progress quickly into a "serious" relationship.The target truly believes that they have found the perfect partner. They have seen few, if any, "chinks" in the armor.

3. The Questioning

Time spent together brings to light some "chinks" in the armor. The target may begin seeing some things that concern them. Usually, these are minor annoyances but even fairly significant things can be ignored based on the overall "perfection" of the abuser. The target may actually begin to question some of the habits or actions of the abuser. This questioning often results in the abuser reacting in anger and using veiled threats of ending the relationship "if the target is so unhappy". This usually results in the target being forced to weight good against bad attributes and trying to hold only the relationship.

4. Re-evaluation and Idolization Period #2

The target now realizes that the abuser is NOT PERFECT, and there are some things that keep cropping up in the relationship, but they are still firmly convinced that the abuser is FAR superior to any other partner they are likely to attract. Even after re-evaluating the abuser and the relationship, the target determines that the relationship is worth salvaging.

5. Self-Questioning



The target/victim usually begins to sense a change in the attitude of the abuser. The victim begins to question whether they are being unreasonable and too difficult to please. This frequent self-examination in the light of being downgraded by the abuser, usually results in the target feeling as though they may, indeed, be to blame for the small issues that arise. The target is often receiving feedback from their support system about how much the abuser loves them and how lucky they are. The discrepancy between what the target is feeling and what the support system is stating causes further self-examination by the target/victim. The behavior of the abuser when other people are present is still, usually, loving and sweet. The treatment of the target/victim in private begins to deteriorate.

6. The Cover-Up

Once the target/victim has advised the support system of how WONDERFUL the abuser is, it is very difficult to admit that they may have made an error. Everyone wants their support system to think that everything is going well in their lives...and the constant insinuation that any problems that DO EXIST are the fault of the target/victim, makes it even harder to be real with people and verbalize your concerns. For these reasons, and many others, the target/victim often continues to reign perfection in the relationship and the abuser, long after cracks begin to appear. This may be particularly true if the beginning of the relationship including the abuser walking out on, or leaving, a marriage or long term partner. It seems OK that another relationship was "destroyed" when the new relationship was "in the stars" or "meant to be", but admitting that this may not be the case leaves the victim/target open to criticism (from others and by self) regarding the way the relationship started out. Since so MANY of these relationships begin when a prior victim is "discarded", the feelings of guilt associated with this can keep a victim professing perfection in the abuser for an extended time.

7. Brainwashing Complete

After a period of continued manipulation, the victim is now well aware of the faults of the abuser. The victim, however, is usually NOT AWARE of the true mental illness of the abuser, or of the fact that the abuser is UNABLE and UNWILLING to ever change. The victim is full of self-doubt and is convinced that the good things in the relationship still outweigh the bad. The victim has started to question their own sanity and reality and has fully begun to adopt the reality as given by the abuser.

8. Capitulation

The victim has now come to the conclusion that "it is the abusers way or the highway". They are aware that the relationship is more important to them than to the abuser and, often, the victim simply decides to take a back seat and allow the abuser to steer the relationship and daily life decisions. Often, the abuser determines how all money is spent, even if they are not bringing in much money. Daily decisions, big and small, are made by the abuser. While this frustrates and angers the victim, the only other option is the loss of the relationship and that is not tolerable.

9. Seeing the Light

After a long period, the victim begins to see the self-serving nature and selfish behavior of the abuser. Often, there is infidelity and any questioning about it results in the victim being blamed for being crazy and jealous. The unfair nature of the relationship is very apparent to the victim although, to the outside world, it appears to be practically perfect. They see the absolute control of the abuser as agreement of the two parties or as "compatibility". They are unaware that this "compatibility" requires that the victim SUBMIT their will to the abuser in EVERYTHING. This begins to wear on the victim. The victim may begin to see the TRUE PATHOLOGY of the abuser, but there is no one who will listen or believe. As the victim begins to see this pathology, there is also a great deal of fear around leaving the relationship as the victim now has an idea of what awaits them in terms of punishment or retribution.

10. Sensing the trap

Around this time, the victim may begin reaching out to members of the support system...only to find that they are squarely in the camp of the abuser. While the victim has been silent, the abuser has been busy assassinating their character to the support system who, often, no longer believe a word the victim is saying. They are often condescending and attempt to keep the victim in the relationship which they see as "superior" and with the abuser who is seen as being "so supportive and loving" The victim suddenly realizes that they are seen as unstable and/or, completely self-centered by their own support system. There is a sudden realization that there is no one to turn to because, no matter what the victim says NOW, the support system is convinced of the lie that has been told for so long, both by the victim and by the abuser. The victim will sometimes attempt to communicate the issues to the abuser who will not discuss anything about it and usually admits no error or wrongdoing. Ending the relationship not only leaves the victim without the relationship but may cost the victim friends and family as well. The victim is trapped and knows it.

11. The Walking Dead

After living under the stress of the abuse and lies for an extended period, the victim usually begins to display PTSD symptoms and symptoms of major depression. These symptoms only further cement the story being told by the abuser. With no where to turn, the victim soon becomes "the walking dead"...going through the motions of life with little meaning, no enjoyment and no hope for the future/

12. The Oath Keeper

The victim now knows EXACTLY what the abuser is and what they are capable of. They are aware that nothing is going to improve and that the future holds only more of the same, or worse, abuse. They no longer feel "romantic love" for the abuser in many cases and sexual desire for the person who torments you daily is, obviously, lacking. Often, the victim is aware of the vows they took and promises they have made and use this as an excuse (to themselves) for why they stay in an, obviously, ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

13. Resignation






The victim basically gives up and decides that they are destined to continue to live the life they are living. Often, they cease to provide the praise and narcissistic supply and the abuser, sensing this, begins to seek out new supply. A period of relative calm ensues as the abusers attention is turned elsewhere and the couple live in the same house but have no real relationship any longer

14. Shock and Fear

No matter how mentally ill the victim feels the abuser is, the "dead eye" and cold-hearted discard of the sociopath is heartbreaking. While the victim has mixed feelings about the partner in this long term relationship...the abuser treats the victim like a torn sock that is being thrown away. There is no emotion, no caring, no anger, nothing. The abuser is completely devoid of any emotion as they walk away. This results in a very deep shock and the victim truly begins to question their own sanity. There is also a great fear over the retribution that will be coming. Having a clear picture of the abuser, the victim is aware of the lengths the abuser is willing to go to to PUNISH the ENEMY. The victim realizes that they are NOW "The enemy to be destroyed".

15. Terror and disbelief

The victim finally begins to realize that the entire relationship, the person they thought they knew, never existed. This has all been a process of manipulation. This is difficult to come to terms with and especially when your support system is of the belief that this is "just a divorce" and cannot begin to understand the depth of the victims damage. The victim mourns the relationship they THOUGHT they had and the person they THOUGHT they knew. This is difficult when that person is doing everything they can to destroy you. The support system is fragmented and, often, no support system remains. The sociopath abuses the victim mentally, financially and will often attempt to take any minor children away from the victim as a form of retaliation for the victims failure to "respect and appreciate how wonderful they are". This is extremely stressful for the victim and, without support, there is the very real possibility of a mental break or suicide attempt.

Reaching out

The good news is that this fear leads to reaching out for support by others who have had the same experiences...and this is the beginning of the healing process!

NARCISSISTS: NO EMPATHY = NO CONSCIENCE

..and no love, either, what the narcissists says not withstanding.  Empathy is the quality that allows us to put ourselves in another's shoes, which is the basis of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", something the narcissist neither understands nor follows. 

However, the narcissist has a substitute for empathy and conscience....they are intellectually aware that they are hurting others terribly, but without empathy or conscience, it is merely a detached observation, and a tool to use against them.  As a result, those near a narcissist end up feeling empty and exhausted, and hyper vigilant for abuse (walking on egg shells). 

The narcissist gets away with it by imitating caring and having feelings about others, when it serves their purposes.  But, in that, they are serving their own needs, and it never occurs to them to put your needs, or others' needs, ahead of their own.  That would be altruistic (self sacrificial), and while the narcissist can fake it, they are never actually like that.

What the narcissist IS good at, however, is finding an empathetic person and getting their sympathy by playing the victim.  The narcissist would not have chosen you if you were not a kind and empathetic person.  The narcissist chooses the best, and does the worst.

Other ways the narcissist gets away with faking emotions is that they are consummate liars, and supreme manipulators, which, combined with being very competitive and argumentative, allows them to dominate people and conversations in order to turn them to their own advantage.  Every circumstance is about winning and losing to a narcissist.  And, while they are cold and calculating, they can seem warm and likable, which makes your discussions about the narcissist with others seem unreal to them.

In summary, narcissists are good at PRETENDING, but don't feel empathy or compassion, and have no conscience, which is why they do what they do with no sense of right or wrong.  In the end, it's shocking to understand that the wonderful person you met, that you thought the world of, is a monster without a conscience, and capable of the most grotesque evil, but it's true.  That's the narcissist in a nutshell.

THE NARCISSIST'S MISUSE OF VOCABULARY...

WHAT DOES THE NARCISSIST MEAN WHEN THEY USE THE WORD "LOVE"?.....notice that with the rest of us, that question would not have to be asked. It does, however, get asked because the narcissist uses the word "love", yet is very unloving. This is a tip off to the fact that the narcissist has their own vocabulary, and you can't take it for granted that whatever word they use means, to them, the same as it means to you.

Love, to a narcissist, means he gets supply in the form of admiration and worship, has a feeling of power over you, and can manipulate and use you to their own ends, and that you reflect well on him to others. 

Love NEVER means self sacrificial love, or putting your happiness first to a narcissist. The narcissist has no empathy, but the N has the VOCABULARY OF EMPATHY instead, which serves the purpose of getting him what he wants, not of actually feeling compassion toward anyone.

In the world of the narcissist, "truth", from the N, means lying. "Honesty" means manipulation and deception. The N's future triumphs mean "day dreams about success" and delusions of grandeur. Trust, from you, means blindly ignoring signs of cheating. You get the idea.

My point is that if I use the word "chair" and actually mean "car", and carry that out to it's fullest, there will be constant confusion in the hearer, YOU. This post is the clue you need to understand why you are confused about the narcissist's behavior....it doesn't match the words. If the narcissist actually used the words as the N secretly defines them, your eyes would be opened immediately.

As it is, if you keep trying to understand the N by thinking that the N and you are using vocabulary with the same meaning, the N becomes incomprehensible. If you, instead, DETACH AND OBSERVE the narcissist, and, seeing what he does, assign the word to that behavior that makes the most amount of sense, now it makes sense.
In short, you have to ignore what the N says, and watch what the N does, and say IN PLAIN STREET LANGUAGE what that is. If the N is abusive, say so to yourself. If the N is a lying cheater, say so. If the N is selfish, say so.

You may have watched the Antiques Roadshow. On that show, people often come in with an item they bought that came with a story, but the story is totally wrong, probably told to induce them to buy it. When I used to deal in antiques, I had a rule: buy the item, not the story, no matter who is telling it. It was a lesson I learned the hard way. I suggest you remember this rule and do likewise.

IS THE NARCISSIST TRULY HAPPY WITHOUT YOU?

I mean, on FB the N SEEMS happy. (Uh, checking the FB page of your NarcX is called narc dipping, so don't) But, anyway, they SEEM to be having a wonderful time and be sooo much in love, and all that. You gotta know that the narcissist is never happy for long. They get bored and never have enough supply, so as the years go by, they get older and less desirable, sad and pathetic....and by that time, you will have moved on to a happy, loving relationship. Naw, unlike the N, it doesn't happen INSTANTLY, but it definitely will happen for you. This piece was written by Melonie Tonya Evans, a therapist, and about the ultimate life outcome of the narcissist. I've seen it with my own eyes, and believe me, this is a good read...

The Fate Worse than Death

Please do not envy your ex narcissist. Because the plight for narcissists is the same for anyone who keeps extracting from life in order to avoid themself.
Eventually the ability and energy to get out of bed every day and feed the insatiable need to offset the inner demons runs out.
Narcissist get old and sick, they lose their looks, their charm and their charisma. They lose their formidable ability to seduce, dominate and intimidate people. They are not the immortal Gods they would like to think they are.
Eventually all narcissists end up facing their tormented self that they have made a lifelong career of avoiding.

Eventually, just like the picture of Dorian Gray one day the narcissist comes face to face with their most horrifying nightmare – the tortured self that no amount of avoidance, materiality, manipulation, exploits or lies could avoid.
They meet the real tortured self that bears no resemblance to the pathologically constructed False Self.

When this occurs the narcissist has no time left to do anything about it…it’s the end of the line, there are no solutions and the ghastly portrait doesn’t lie.
The narcissist does not have the privilege of loving memories, of the knowing of contribution, or the feelings of having lived a great and solid life of integrity in order to accept his or her mortality and die peacefully.

Instead the narcissist is a ‘machine’ based on only the immediate need for narcissistic supply, which has to be constantly fed to relieve a tortured soul. Therefore the tortured soul is ‘the last reality standing’.

So don’t buy into the ridiculous illusion the narcissist is having a great life and re-read this article every time you entertain those thoughts…

Reprint of: A Letter to The New Victim....long but worth the read....

Reprint from a page reader

A Letter To The New Victim....

This is long but, I believe, it is full of truth.

WARNING! This material can be triggering and I am NOT suggesting attempts to warn the new victim of your abuser.  I am only saying that it can be helpful to share stories and support with other people who have already come to realize that they are dealing with an Malignant Narcissist partner/ex partner. 

This was not a letter that was ever sent and I have made NO ATTEMPT TO CONTACT the new "supply". 

She will have to find out the same way we all did. 

Attempting to warn the new supply plays DIRECTLY into the narcs game plan.

After all...I certainly do NOT want him back and she took my place as his HOSTAGE

If I tried to warn her he would say ...

"See? I told you! She is still madly in love with me and won't move on! If she DIDN'T want me back why would she be trying so hard to break us up?!"

WHY INDEED?

The Official Survival Guide to a Relationship with My Ex

Congratulations on your purchase!

You may not realize it yet but you have just purchased the biggest line of crap 

you will ever hear!

After a very long adulterous affair, you have finally "got" my ex. Perhaps you found my ex or he found you...perhaps he stalked you or approached you while you were having a rough time in your life. The particulars are unimportant....let's just say you FOUND each other.

As the "outgoing supply" I wanted to give you a gift.

Yes...REALLY... A gift from an ex-wife!

How nice of me, right?

I think my words may come in handy through all those dark times that are going to be here before you know it!

“Dark times”, You ask?

Well yes... Let me explain...

It is always best to start at the beginning and, at this point in your life,  I KNOW you believe your life BEGAN when you met your new LOVE!

So before moving forward... let's just discuss the first stage of the relationship... 

We call this stage LOVE-BOMBING!

" OMG! 

He is SO perfect! I am so lucky to have found him! 

How could ANYONE ever be crazy enough to let him go!?"

Your days and nights were consumed with talk of LOVE. You have likely NEVER experienced anything quite like it before! All the wonderful things he says!  "Good morning, beautiful", " I love you", "I never KNEW what love WAS until I met you". there are likely many others... whatever lines he's using these days to make sure you fall asleep thinking of him and wake up thinking of him. 

Yes, I have heard all the variations and I'm sure you will, too.

He totally means all of it.

He is all about you....for now....

Just make sure you repeat these things back to him as often as possible.  He loves that! 

Well, maybe not REALLY but he is EXPECTING to hear you say it. While it is expected, and assures him that he plan is "on track". there is no true appreciation there. 

Next, are the "thinking of you" texts and calls throughout the day. He wants to keep you in check, 

so, chances are that in the beginning, you will get these many times a day.

The "Miss you" texts and calls, while you are away are there too. 

Isn't he sweet? 

There is no reason to think that he has ulterior motives such as checking up on you, right? 

He's just letting you know you're on his mind.

He's already TOLD you that he is a simple guy. A guy who wants a woman by his side to love. One that will accept him JUST THE WAY HIS IS. That statement will ring in your ears many times in the future because he is RIGHT!  

He's not changing!

Isn't that nice to know? 

He will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, change! 

This is one truth that he has told you. 

His desire is that the relationship will REMAIN, JUST AS IT IS RIGHT NOW,,,,FOR ETERNITY!

If you can manage that things may, indeed, turn out the way you expect them to…maybe….

If you have any expectation that you would like the relationship to mature, to mellow, to become deeper…

you have a serious problem. 

You must understand that his desire is for that giddy, love-crazed, all encompassing LOVE to remain just as it is, forever!

Isn’t it NICE to have his company and to realize that you NEVER have to go anywhere alone anymore?

Kind of like…becoming a single unit within him…

of course, this requires you to go where he wants to go...at any time...whether you want to or not...

But who cares. 

He wants you at his side!

This is necessary in order to show everyone how wonderful he is, how much he LOVES you and, to make sure you don’t happen to mention anything he might not approve of, to other people.

You no longer need friends…or Church….even your family does not come around as often…

but you don’t NEED THEM…

you have HIM…

and he HAS you!

Yes, you may have even had a couple of really GOOD friends that looked into your eyes (and his) and saw something wrong. 

They may even have tried to “SABOTAGE” your relationship. 

But as he likely told you, 

“They are just jealous and cannot understand the depth of your love!”

Chances are that “you” have decided that you really don’t need those “negative” people in your life and, chances are, these detractors are not in the picture much anymore.

Isn’t that LUCKY for you…and for HIM!

REALLY, I know it’s EXCITING to have someone love you that much!

He has probably told you that you're his one true love.

His soul mate maybe?

He never KNEW what REAL LOVE was until he met you?

You are The ONE?

He probably started talking about marrying you when you had only known him for a few weeks or months. 

He doesn't waste any time.

Yes, you knew he was married and had kids…but it was not a REAL marriage! 

He was likely just staying in it to keep from hurting me and/or the kids. 

There was no sex happening. 

I bet he told you we did not even SLEEP in the same bed.

 I was a “Cold fish". 

I will let you in on a little secret... he WASN'T married when I met him but 

he was living with another woman. 

He cheated on her with me...

He cheated on me, many times, during our marriage...

He cheated on me with you...

BUT I am certain he has assured you that he would NEVER cheat on YOU!

NOW he knows what he wants and you are definitely it!

Awesome! 

Until he gets bored with you... 

I'll explain that later.

Anyway, now he has you addicted to his pretty words and his constant attention. 

You are completely devoted to his happiness because he is completely devoted to yours (for now).

YOU are nothing like the "crazy exes" who used him and abused him.

You are different!

Isn't it amazing how alike you guys are?

Same hopes and dreams and fears.

Watch the same shows?

Like the same music?

Of course you do!

He simply loves everything you do (for now).

Matter of fact, he will probably wanted to move in with you ASAP so you guys can begin your new life together!

You could not WAIT to get started. Move in day arrived!

You are going to love this part!

He absolutely HATES ALL his former lovers/partners! 

He keeps nothing that would even tell you that we even EXISTED…me, nor the ones before me.

He loves to tell you how much he hates his exes and WHY. 

The things they DID to him to cause him to leave….

trying to poison him, 

refusing to feed him. 

Lack of sex. 

Lack of sympathy….

not to mention NEVER giving him enough ATTENTION and PRAISE for being a merely average human being. 

This serves a dual purpose.

It makes you feel that he was abused and feel pity for him...

AND he is training you on the things that you must NOT do in order to KEEP him. 

Some of what he says is quite hard to believe but he WOULDN'T LIE!!! 

Have you heard the "most hated speech" yet?

How, if he saw one of us laying dying on the street...he would merely step over? 

I have to admit, that one was a little hard for me to understand. 

But I quickly put it out of my mind when I found out what a cheating, evil BITCH she was!

He expects PRAISE for each and every thing he does, 

even if it is a normal function of normal life….

and he is willing to praise you for those things too…

for a while….

Then one day you will realize that you are no longer receiving praise.

Not even when you make an extraordinary effort to please him…

because nothing you ever do will be quite good ENOUGH.

If you are anything like me...you MAY need to work at least 2 jobs to support him 

but it is CRUCIAL that you continue to praise him without cease so that he will be HAPPY!

Don’t worry…he loves suggesting improvements…

correcting your language, telling you how to cut your hair, what clothes to wear, etc.

One thing….I hope you are not too set on making any other personal decisions

…because that will be a signal to him that you no longer love him!

So he moves in and things are going SO well.

You have met his family and they seemed to like you and your family simply ADORES him! 

You are spending every minute  together and it's the most perfect scenario

 you could've ever dreamed of!

Perhaps he leaves you little you notes saying how much he loves you 

or maybe a line from "your song" somewhere.

This guy is serious about you.

Even MORE serious than the woman he had two children with.

Don’t worry about the fact that his nuclear family seems fake and “stilted” 

and that at any given time a part of the group is NOT SPEAKING to the other part! 

Especially don't be concerned about his brother who has not SPOKEN to 

his Mother in nearly 20 years! 

Likely there is no GOOD reason. 

I mean, people cut their own Mothers out of their lives every day without reason!

Going for YEARS without speaking to parts of your 

nuclear family is COMPLETELY normal!

I am certain that he told you that the problems in his family were my fault, 

I’m sure he did not leave that out.

AMAZING how much POWER I had in that family, particularly when they now state 

they never really liked me from the beginning!

At this point, if something about that does not sit quite “right” in your logical mind….

YOU better turn that sucker OFF because it will be useless to you going forward!

Oh and don't mess with the man's money.

As you know...he does not believe he has ANY obligation to help 

support our children in ANY way. 

Remember...the super glued shoes...because it is "Your Mother's Job!" to buy them new ones?

If you have a great job, or own anything that he would like to possess, that may be one of the reasons he targeted you….er … I mean “carefully hand selected you to be his life partner”. 

He loves those good stock women with lots of potential and who don’t mind working hard.

….and it will come in handy because, shortly, you will be working 24/7 to try to make him happy 

“like he used to be” 

and all that energy will be going down into a BIG BLACK WHOLE 

because he will NEVER be happy like that again.

Because he wasn’t in the first place! 

Are you getting the picture now?

It’s all been an ACT, 

a MASK

NOTHING he has ever told you has been true or genuine. 

But let’s be real….you have now had time to see him lie through his teeth 

to everyone from his “friends” to “your friends”, the Pastor, his children 

and total strangers even.

At ONE TIME you might have classified this behavior as “pathological lying” since the lies 

are often not even IMPORTANT…

BUT not with him... there COULDN’T be ANYTHING wrong with HIM! 

He’s PERFECT!

Be sure to learn to cook what he likes. If he starts to gain weight again you will have

 to cook him special meals to suit his diet…and likely carry 

his food into the bedroom so he can eat while watching TV or while on FB) 

Don't forget to wash those dishes and put them away ASAP. 

Make sure they are TOTALLY DRY!

Don't forget to put away the sugar or flour that you used, either…

and close each and every cabinet door. 

Those things irritate him. 

Let's not do that.

You MUST keep from irritating him because you have likely noticed that 

things get pretty miserable when he is the least BIT unhappy or irritated. 

Hard to put your finger on what makes it so very uncomfortable for you when he is unhappy…

but I KNOW you FEEL it. 

The floor is covered with egg shells, and broken glass, 

so you better learn to walk very carefully or you WILL PAY.

I know you've met his horse....

She’s a GREAT Horse!

She’s always been by his side as his best friend.

Hope you don't mind that he pays more attention to her than you. 

That could happen later. 

His horse is so loyal and trustworthy. 

It's his best friend in the entire world!

The truth is, the horse can't talk back to him 

and will love him even through all the awful names he calls her sometimes. 

He may share his days with the horse. 

Share his nights with the horse.

But I know you LOVE horses as well so none of this may seem odd to you at all.

One day soon, it is likely that he will get tired of playing with the horse 

and he will begin to neglect and abandon her. That is what he does when he gets tired of "playing" with one of his "possessions"!

He has a tendency to switch obsessions quite frequently, 

but don’t worry, a few of these have lasted for several years 

so you probably still have time. 

These obsessions can get pretty expensive though! 

Let's see...gardens, ponds, pool with deck, reptiles, reptile breeding, 

venomous reptiles, Star Trek collection, DVD's, model trains, 

model rockets, photography, coin collection, fossils, 

ornaments, guns and now horses....

the house was just OVERFLOWING with them!.. 

Since he has told you that I was the primary bread-winner...

who do you suppose paid for all those things? 

Can't find anyplace to put them? 

So SAD...YOU are now a hoarder! 

You will SIMPLY have to get rid of some of your meaningless things in order to make ROOM!

Oh, and his work….funny isn’t it, 

how you will hear him say that he LOVES his JOB 

and that he HATES his JOB with a passion 

within the span of maybe an hour?

You see, this happens because he doesn’t love it or hate it…

he uses it just like he uses everything and everybody…

to his advantage and to get attention.

Naturally, since his passion for his work is FAKE….

the truth will slip out every once in a while…no problem. 

It won’t last long anyway!

Eventually he will be “unable” or “unwilling” to work 

and he will become a “house husband”. 

He may actually do some house work for a week or two, 

but that will fade quickly and you will find that you are bringing in all the money 

AND taking care of the house…and him…and the kids when they visit.

What will he be doing, you ask?

Playing…

and lining up the NEXT woman to take your place 

or to supplement his need for praise and worship 

(in a pinch, illicit sex will do)

OH! And looking at PORN every chance he gets. 

Perhaps you were not aware of this.

Maybe you HAVE seen it pop up accidentally on his computer screen 

but he has, no doubt, assured you that this is just SPAM 

and he does not know why it pops up like that!

HE is totally innocent!

Have you taken the time to look at his computer?

OH! That’s right! He ALWAYS has it with him…

and then there’s that pesky password thing.

So you likely have not been able to browse the long list of porno sites listed in the history?

Not to worry though…

porn addiction is no big deal when you are as perfect as he is! 

After ALL he IS a MAN. 

All MEN like those things right?

OK, perhaps it does not suit his DEVOUT CHRISTIAN public image but 

his good things outweigh these little issues!

He even likes to dabble in amateur porn.

He may already have talked you into video taping sex 

so you can “relive your love-making”

Just a hint….better keep your eye on those videos 

because I found multiple copies of the one he talked me into making...

 when I finally searched the house. 

Good thing I am not very MODEST...

or have a church who would condemn me for those things! 

WHEW!

….I WONDER what he planned to do with those copies?

…guess we will never know!

Bed time feels pretty magical, huh?

Holding your hand as you guys spoon together. Feels great, huh?

I know it does! 

I was you!

In the mood for sex? 

I sure HOPE SO!!

Ok, so I'll let you know that he will initiate sex with you at every opportunity. 

It's not going to get too tiring after the first 5 years or so right? 

You will ALWAYS be ready, whenever he is, so you won’t have to worry 

about those punishments when you are not! 

The degrading remarks...

the insinuations that you are "frigid"...the threats...the insistence...

the lack of caring about what is going on with you...

the suggestion that you should "just do it" whether you want to or not. 

Its best to avoid that because it makes sex feel like RAPE when you 

know your partner could not CARE LESS whether you really want to have sex and desires ONLY that you acquiesce.

Don't get the wrong idea! I am NOT suggesting 

that he does NOT want you to enjoy it! 

He DOES! 

Nothing gives him a bigger high than taking control of your body and mind! 

He used to tell me "I want to make a woman pass out with pleasure some day".

Now THAT'S a normal thing to say!

The most crucial thing for you to remember is that you MUST

 behave as though each sexual encounter was the 

BEST one you have EVER had! 

HE DOES! I KNOW you know what I mean! 

Pretty good actor isn't he? 

So after 15 years and THOUSANDS of sexual encounters...

you MUST continue to heap praises upon him for his masterful performance...

even if it was not so very masterful. 

Don't like to be a fake? 

Me either...

but if you don't he will make you pay for it in a thousand ways, and eventually, 

you will simply give him what he wants. 

It's EASIER than fighting it! 

Won't hurt you will it?

Oh, and him telling you that he loves you during your long drawn out love 

making session will melt your heart.

I know it did mine.

Too bad you will notice that he spends more time 

during sex looking in the mirror with each passing week.

Has he put up the MIRRORS yet?....

maybe a well-placed dresser or mirrored sliding closet doors? 

He will…don’t worry.

Do be aware that if you have been “making love” for an hour and he “loses it”….

better take a vitamin because it will be expected that you start all over again.

If you start to get exhausted or get a cramp when he twists your body 

into whatever position is best for him…

DON’T MOVE or say anything because he might “lose it” again 

and then he will be very UPSET with you because you are so selfish. 

If you begin to feel panic because it may be hard to breathe....

just learn to "go somewhere else".

That’s one reason he insists that you have an orgasm first (or at least fake one) because then he can call you selfish if you are too tired to continue after 2 plus hours. And don't worry about faking it. 

He SAYS he can tell...but if so, he doesn't really care.

 As long as he is convinced he has "done his job".

So cute how you become so entangled in each other! 

I’m sure he’s not still using those same old lines in your BRAND NEW relationship.

I am sure he has come up with some BRAND NEW material for you!

Shortly after he moves in, you may feel a bit unhinged, but don't worry! 

You're right on track!

It's about time you become an object rather than the normally functioning human

 being that you were when you met him.

Maybe he's acting a little different from all the stress in his life. 

You know, that stress that comes along with trying to be someone you're not 

for so long and telling lies to cover his TRUE nature. 

Don't know that stress? 

He does and he knows it well!

You may feel like he's pulling away from you because well,.. He IS!

All that time he spends texting other people and answering the phone 

while you're together isn't that big of a deal.

He always had a pretty active social life... outside of him having 

almost NO FRIENDS except those he met through, or around, you!

It’s really TOUGH to keep relationships, even friendships, when the other 

person in the relationship is prone to doing really OBNOXIOUS things like 

NOT agreeing with you about everything or having an opinion that differ.

There is that ONE guy! 

You know the one.

 I like to call him the “minion”.

 He NEVER questions or disagrees….

he is simply there to sing praises of perfection 

and would do ANYTHING to further the cause of your "love"! 

 

Make no mistake, 

he will always do as your love tells him…

even if it eventually requires him to turn on YOU! 

Been there…done that. 

Do not think he is YOUR FRIEND…

no matter how well you have treated him or what you have done for him. 

He isn’t. 

He is only civil to you because your LOVE wants him to be. 

See how quickly he joined in with your "new" family? 

Why, he knew about you before I did! 

Along with most of my family...

and let's not forget about your church and your PASTOR!

Just keep on trying, though. 

You can get through this! 

Maybe you'll want to talk to him about how you're feeling.

Let me walk you through that process as well.

So, the rules are as follows:

1. Don't try to talk about anything that concerns you about your relationship with him or any grievances you have about him at all. Period. EVER. (The first time you try it you will realize WHY I say that)

2. Simple stuff (translation-everything that is important to YOU). Just don't talk about it. Pretend everything is great and always post positive things (even though you're feeling down) on your social media so that all of your friends and family know just how happy you are and how wonderful he is. Lie your little butt off to everyone about how well he treats you. It's the only way this is going to work. Trust me! I know!

3. The day may come that you can't hold it in anymore, so here's some help and insight to how this discussion may go.

* If you ask him anything about his feelings about anyone other than you he will either

A. Ignore you

B. Get mad at you

C. Say "I don't know“

* If you ask him about his feeling about YOU he will either

A. Accuse you of being insecure

B. Get mad at you for doubting him

C. Turn everything around on you so that you come away thinking you are an awful person for not seeing how WONDERFUL he IS!

Once you have opened your mouth about ANYTHING that concerns you...

This is where the fun really begins! 

Now you get to see a side of him you never knew existed. 

It's always great to learn new things, yes?

OK, so... Ignoring you is what he will do the most. 

If you show concern, he will be totally aloof to make sure you know 

he's not interested in what you have to say. 

He likes to play on FB to drive that home to you. 

He may leave and go outside to do "some work". 

Actually, he's just wanting to get away from you.

That's OK, though, because some time apart does people good at times.

His next plan is to meet everything you try to talk about with anger! 

Yes, he gets really mad when you question his actions. 

Make sure you have earplugs because he likes to yell and while you're 

trying to be calm, accuse you of yelling and walk away because you are simply 

“OUT OF CONTROL” 

and “Unreasonable”…

maybe even “Crazy!”

Better get a little tape recorder because he will say some really 

hurtful things to you 

but then deny he did.

That’s called gas-lighting. 

I am certain you are familiar with that term.

It is likely that you will find that you have started to misplace things…car keys…wallet….and ESPECIALLY HIS things which he “ALWAYS leaves on the table” 

and then accuses YOU of moving/losing.

Confused yet? 

Sure! 

It's a hot mess you're into. 

He's WORTH IT, though.

Don't worry about your self-esteem or self-worth at this point. 

That's irrelevant to him … always was and always will be!

So, please get used to your feelings not being important. 

It's like a sucker punch to the soul, but it'll just make you stronger.

Ok, so the verbal tirades will get bad also.

Listing all your faults (big and small) on a daily basis 

is sure to be a real character builder!

It'll make you TOUGH AS NAILS.

Some of the most often used barbs are 

“You are out of control”

 “you are overly sensitive”

 “You are unreasonable”

 …and the perennial favorite 

“You are CRAZY!”

It’s also fun when he talks so much about being sensitive to smells 

that you brush your teeth 15 times a day and bathe 3 times a day 

because you are convinced you stink!

Makes you worry about even being close to him or kissing him….

MAYBE you are just being “Paranoid” , as he SAID.

 I mean he NEVER ONCE DIRECTLY TOLD YOU that you smell bad!

I wonder what gave you these misconceptions…

because, thinking back…you may see that he truly has NEVER directly SAID that? 

I guess you are simply losing your mind!

Better hide that though….

you don’t want to chance losing him!

Remember not long ago when you didn't take crap from anyone, ever?

Hmm. Funny how this happened.

Once we get past the degrading remarks

 next comes the constant habit of “fixing” you, 

wiping things off your face, 

reaching out in the middle of a serious conversation 

because you have "something in the corner of your eye", 

picking out your clothes, making those, oh so SUBTLE, remarks about the 

“stupid” things and people you love, 

then he will likely walk away from every conflict because YOU are being unreasonable.

Then, when HE is ready and when he wants something from you again. he will come back, 

play his guilt card and look like a little puppy to make you feel awful for EVER questioning him.

He will never apologize but he will gladly forgive YOU...

If you ask very nicely!

After a few times, you will learn its best just to keep your mouth shut and go along.

Who doesn't love to walk on eggshells and be afraid to talk to anyone 

about what's actually going on?

I know I do.

You are TOGETHER now so you may want to try to get a little information about him. 

He TALKS about himself ALL the time but its funny how you know almost nothing about him!

 

The more you ask, the more he doesn't know. 

Isn't that amazing how someone doesn't know anything about what they're

 feeling or how they're acting or why?

Of course he knows. 

He just doesn't want to tell you because he would rather give you 

reasons to think you're just crazy or too emotional or blowing things out of proportion!

This is when hell overcomes your heaven.

Now that he has you weak with emotion and hurt and holds you in contempt 

for ALL those things that he considers WEAKNESSES 

(your unconditional love, your compassion, your faith, your Empathy, etc. etc.), 

that's when the real fun stuff starts happening.

Now, suddenly, you're nothing alike.

Everything you do bothers him.

Everything he once said he loved about you, he's tired of.

So, that means more ignoring your existence!

Don't worry that he's talking to everyone except you. 

He's just getting their sympathy and support because 

OMG... "you're just like his exes".

You're just crazy and jealous and trying to change him. 

Probably a “cold fish” as well.

Any life you had before him is in the crapper now 

because he has systematically torn you down as you 

would a new soldier or a new dog to train. 

You may hear things like "go lay down", "leave me alone" or "

get the hell out of my way". 

All that lovey-dovey talk is over and he's probably 

got someone tied in already to replace you.

All those times he was on Facebook in the beginning, 

telling you how great you were and "liking" 

all of your pictures and saying how beautiful you are.

Well, there's another woman out there that needs to hear those things, too.

Thinking about trying to share your feelings and get some support?

No one will believe you because he made sure you always 

said how wonderful he is in the beginning

 in an effort to show him you were in it for the long haul 

and that you would lie to everyone else about him because you 

loved him just that much!

And those GOOD friends that once tried to SABOTAGE your relationship…

they are likely not feeling very supportive anymore 

since you treated them like your enemies when they expressed 

concerns to you in the beginning!

After all….you may have known them for YEARS before your 

new LOVE came along but, in a pinch, 

WHO DID YOU CHOOSE?!

Not to mention the fact that he has managed to convince half your friends and family 

that he is the GREATEST and they simply cannot understand how you 

no longer appreciate how very lucky you are to have him! 

They now think you are simply damaged or crazy or unable to be satisfied with anyone!

In order to do this he has been lying behind your back….

oh just LITTLE lies…since almost day 1.

So you SEE!!!!

This was all planned. 

From the time your relationship BEGAN he was PLOTTING its ending 

and what he could take from you when he discards you! 

This knowledge will make you ANGRY

....ah, ah, ah...but DON'T express it 

because it will be a sure sign, to EVERYONE AROUND YOU, that you are INDEED CRAZY....

"Just as he said you were!"

Your credibility will be completely shot. 

When you try to tell everyone how difficult it was, they won’t believe you!

And as you watch him get dressed for dates with his NEW love….

while living in your house because he refuses to leave…

And he has that pesky little marriage certificate 

(the piece of paper that gives him a right to abuse you, emotionally, financially, mentally, etc.)

YOU WILL BE POWERLESS TO STOP HIM!

The law, the courts, your friends and family, his NEW victim... 

NO ONE will lift a hand to stop him from torturing you!

You may try to explain that you are NOT jealous...

that you JUST WANT HIM TO GO AWAY...

but you are viewed as a bitter, jealous person who is 

"having a hard time with being left by such a wonderful, giving man". 

That can be pretty infuriating but bite that tongue! 

You are in a TRAP set by a MASTER hunter and 

ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU. 

No way out...stop struggling and give up!

Your marriage certificate and the law MIGHT protect you if he tried 

to PHYSICALLY abuse you…MAYBE…

but he is way too smart to do that! 

He likes being able to abuse WITHOUT having to pay any consequences!

You may find things "breaking" around your house, disappearing, etc...

but he has NOTHING to do with that! 

Its just a coincidence!

Then you will be right where I was when YOU "officially" entered the picture.

In the end...

But, you are a Christian right? 

You can always pray for divine intervention. 

I am certain that God will hear you and you will be comforted but be aware...

He will use that against you too!

GOD always forgives right?

 "You state that you are a Christian, but you can't be much of one since you are 

crazy and cannot just move on!"

" How DARE you judge me when God says to forgive!"

So he will use his “devout” religion to show you 

(and more importantly, to convince EVERYONE ELSE) 

that you are NOT a Christian because you are UNABLE to forgive 

and this will be one reason he simply MUST leave you. 

You PUSHED HIM OUT!!!

You are not “Godly” and your misery just goes to show that! 

Your anger convinces everyone that he is right and they support HIM

…much as you and your CHURCH supported his abuse of my children and I!

FUNNY HOW THAT WORKS!

Sounds pretty cool, huh? 

Feeling alone even when you're sitting next to him

  while he's chatting away with other people and you're dying inside. 

Yeah. I know.

But one day you'll be fed up with the lies and 

feeling that terrible every day. 

You'll get tired of biting your tongue.

He will have someone else waiting for this moment and 

will blissfully walk away from you, while telling everyone else how you so callously left him.

You used him.

You're just like the rest of them!

He has a discard pile of hearts.

The break up will be all YOUR fault, everyone WILL BELIEVE that…

and he will be posting on Facebook thanking GOD for 

getting you out of his life and “showing him the right path”!

That is really fun! 

I’m sure you will remember that very post directed at me…

You know…the one you and all your CHURCH friends “liked”….

and thereby supported him in abandoning our children!

Because, while relieved that the nightmare will soon be over, 

you, at some level, will mourn the loss of your dream 

and the loss of a man who NEVER EXISTED. 

He won't have any such mourning because 

he has already COMPLETELY moved on! 

You now know that he NEVER really had a dream! 

It was all one big game with you as the pawn.

…He will look at you. 

With those cold, dead eyes, 

as though he has never met you 

and threaten to destroy you 

if you dare breathe a WORD of this to anyone!!!!

Very SPECIAL FEELING THAT ONE!

Let me tell you what actually just happened to you...

•You were vulnerable and he knew it.

•He hates himself. He hates himself so much that he can't understand why everyone else doesn't hate him.

•He wears a mask in order to make people think he is normal.

•He's damaged and will damage all those who get too close to him.

•He knows he hurts people, but has no empathy. He believes he is ENTITLED to do whatever he wants. He believes that even GOD is on his side!

Read that last one again and let it sink in.

HE HAS NO EMPATHY. 

He believes he is ENTITLED to do whatever he wants. 

He believes that even GOD is on his side!

He can't put himself in your shoes. 

He can FAKE it reasonably well for short intervals 

but you will get the drift if you just LISTEN to how he DEGRADES 

anyone who does not think he is right about everything.

It's not possible for him to consider ANYONE'S point of view...only his own!

He's too far stuck in his own world of the fear of abandonment that he, 

himself, creates and will never get out of 

because he knows that no one will ever be able to stay with him because of it.

You were temporary.

Oh, you may have devoted 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, or maybe your entire life,

 to the relationship, but to him you were ALWAYS temporary and EASILY replaced.

You were there to fill a void because he cannot be alone.

He HATES being alone!

He needs someone to take care of him and be his cheering section!

However, it's all a self-fulfilling prophecy here.

Remember when he said he knew how this was going to end up? 

This is exactly what he meant. 

He knew you would leave him (or he would leave you) 

and it's because he wanted you to, so he wouldn't be wrong.

He can't handle being wrong!

Isn't it odd that he hates being alone, but makes people leave him alone?!

Crazy stuff!

You will never get an honest apology.

You will never get closure.

You have to live with this.

Are you hearing me?

He's not sorry for what he did to you.

He's only sorry that he couldn't keep you fooled long enough or keep you on that emotional 

torture rack longer.

It's at this time you realize you were only an object.

A warm, blow up doll, a work horse,

He mirrored all of your interests and he has studied people long enough 

to say all the things you wanted to hear to get you hooked in the first place.

He is unable to change.

Let that sink in as well:

HE IS UNABLE TO CHANGE.

OH WHY did nobody warn you!?!

Oh WAIT…..they tried and you turned your back on them!

And as far as any warning from those he has done this to before….

would you have believed them? 

After all….they are just crazy, jealous EX’s!!!!!

Now you will suffer feeling guilt about what you HELPED HIM TO DO…

to his ex, his children, your friends, your family, 

Your CHURCH, YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO GOD. 

Your self esteem, your LIFE….

That GUILT can be overwhelming and CRUSHING!

He HAS no GUILT!

 In his eyes he has not, and never has, done anything wrong in his entire life! 

That is why he feels he must assassinate your character 

in order to convince people that he is NOT wrong!

So you get what I'm saying here... 

This is your life in a nutshell.

This is the pattern of a relationship with a sociopath.

Seriously. I'm an educated individual and before I knew that people 

like him existed, I was already run through the wringer!

So, you see, I'm not a crazy, jealous ex. 

The truth is, no matter what he told you, 

I never wanted him back. 

I saw my chance to ESCAPE and I gladly took it. 

You, unfortunately for you, took my place as his hostage.

I'm only telling you this because this is real and more common than people think 

and you will pay just as I have paid.

Paid for WHAT…I really can’t say….

likely you will have gotten NOTHING out of the relationship except damage. 

You will pay in loss of both your emotional/psychological well-being 

and by the FINANCIAL devastation which they will bring into your life....

you may pay with the loss of your friends and parts of your family...

but OH! 

HOW YOU WILL PAY!

HIM? 

Chances are he will walk away scott free….

just start all over…

find another woman...

just as he found me 

(and you) 

and BECOME what she has always dreamed of....

and THEN become her WORST NIGHTMARE. 

You know the drill...and the cycle starts again...

THEY NEVER PAY!

They WILL visit you with "punishments" (well deserved of course) 

because you have dared to see through that mask. 

They will cause as much damage as they possibly can and 

they will not shrink from uttering ANY LIE to "make this so" 

Then they will laugh at you and admit it to your face 

and then feign complete lack of knowledge to all that will listen...

and blame you once more....

Oh yeah! 

Once again you can look back at how it was when 

he walked away from me….you saw it….

The GOOD news is there will be a large part of you that will be 

relieved to get rid of him….that, too, may make you feel guilt…

and he will try to use that against you too…

You will need to come out of this knowing you weren't crazy.

Yes, since no one has seen ANY of this and he is so WONDERFUL…

the legal community will simply assume the problem is within you. 

The more you try to convince them, the crazier you will look.

Quite the trap huh?

You need to understand....

It was him.

The feelings of being on edge all the time.

It was him.

The gut instincts that something wasn't quite right.

It. Was. Him. Not you.

You're fine the way you are.

The GOOD news, for you, is that you never had any children with him (or any young children that you SUBJECTED to him) and this has saved you from me having to recount what he would have done to those children if you did. Terrible, damaging things that will affect them from their entire lives!

You have met my children. I am sure that you even encouraged him to 

“take a firm hand” and “not allow them to “mouth off” at him! 

You were lucky enough to miss out on being a caring Mother 

who must stand by and watch her children crushed emotionally

 on a daily basis...

and be threatened to be EXPOSED as an "unfit" Mother...

and worry that the courts could, indeed, side with him 

and take away the ONLY SANE parent your children have....

and watch your children wither away under the emotional abuse and negativity. 

So I will not bother to elaborate on that.

I hate to welcome you to my club, 

but here you are reading your story. 

This is my story, too and it won't be the last story 

someone tells about him.

So SURPRISE!

I wish I could have given you this “gift” earlier to avoid this 

damage to you, but as

 you now know…you would not have believed me.

You likely did not deserve to be abused this way…

There is no survival guide to staying with my ex or sustaining 

a relationship with him.

Your only chance of survival is getting away from him.

He's not like you. He never was.

He hates you for being everything he can never be. 

Loving, caring, compassionate, empathetic...

Those are things he will never know for himself. 

Your love can't fix that. 

That's not a failure on your behalf.

You're not the first person he's done this to 

(neither was I) 

and you most certainly won't be the last.