AFTER THE BREAKUP WITH THE NARCISSIST.....

BREAKING UP WITH A NARCISSIST LEAVES YOU IN SHOCK, AND DISORIENTED....on one hand, you are free of the abuse and confusion, on the other hand, your life can seem empty now that the everyday turmoil is gone.  You are left with being very cautious, even cynical, about relationships, and your physical health may be suffering.

Every human being longs for that deep human connection...but now, you probably don't trust yourself to make a good decision about dating.  You had your hopes so high and were so sure about the narcissist that it's embarrassing how it turned out.

However, although you can be fooled again, as I was, I also got the new Narc out of my life immediately when I saw the love bombing and rush for marriage or moving in....in a matter of weeks, they were gone, not years.  I think you can trust yourself to be smart, to take your time this time, and be we well aware of the red flags.

A stumbling block, IMHO, is the process of "giving a person the benefit of the doubt".  Sorry, but that makes no sense.  Instead, detach and observe, and gather information, and trust the person as much as it makes sense to, given how much you know. 

Trust me....the narcissist will hoover you at some point....days, weeks, months, years, or even a decade later.  This is a part of the narcissist's bag of tricks to keep destroying your life over and over if you let them.  

So, be disciplined in mind, and in your boundaries.  You wasted a lot of time with a narcissist and life is far too short to allow yourself to be unhappy with this or any other dysfunctional person.  Just remember....if there is a war between your mind and your emotions, trust your mind every time.

Maybe I have a split personality!

Reprinted with permission of a page reader....

Maybe I have a split personality!

I met my "N" when I decided to do something TOTALLY out of character for me....something I had ALWAYS wanted to do....learn to rock climb. A friend at work was trying to get a group of people together to take lessons and I thought it sounded like a great idea!

I went to the lessons and my "N" was the instructor. I found myself entranced with his confidence, his charisma, his sparkling eyes and his ready smile. 

I want to add, here, that I had made a CONSCIOUS decision to attempt to find someone who was the exact opposite of my first husband. I figured that this would be KEY to finding the right one.

And there he stood!

He was Confident, when my first husband was self-deprecating

He was Boisterous, when my first husband was shy

He was a Leader, when my first husband was a follower

He was Bold, when my first husband was meek

He was Out-spoken when my first husband was quiet and tactful

He was Demanding, when my first husband was unassuming

He Knew His Path, when my first husband seemed to be lost

He was Fun, when my first husband was boring

He Enjoyed life, when my first husband just seemed to get by

He was Attentive, when my first husband had grown inattentive

He was Passionate, when my first husband seemed to be settling

I was enthralled by this man!

I was NOT his first choice among our group of females and I knew that he had approached one of the "more attractive, younger" women in the class who had immediately rebuffed him, even laughed at his advances. I also knew that he was in a committed relationship, living with another woman at the time we met. I saw this an a "minor inconvenience". They were not married, had no plan to marry, had no children. 

In my mind I was thinking "He can't help it that he is stuck in this dead end relationship when the RIGHT ONE happened to show up!"

He told me of the many problems in the current relationship and how it was ending anyway. He "opened up" to me and I found this very flattering. His "girlfriend" was a "cold fish"...and he was sleeping on the couch. There was no sexual relationship any more. He was not in love with her. He was planning to leave before he met me. She was pressuring him to marry her, and he was not interested in doing so, because he did not really love her. He had NEVER loved anyone as much as he loved me. He did not even know such love existed! I was elated! I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for this man that I actually "stalked" him. 

I was not aware of what they called it, at that time, but I would park across 

the street and wait for him to come to work so that I could drop by. 

I became obsessed with him and felt that it was simply meant to be.

This is where the title of this post comes in....

At any time during your relationship with the abuser...did you EVER begin to question whether you had multiple personalities....kind of like "Sybil" on xanax? 

I did! 

Here is why!

"Mr. Spock" and the "Saboteur"

There is, and always has been, this silly little part of me I like to call "Mr. Spock"

...and although Mr. Spock was in very low gear at this point in my life...he did NOT go away. Mr. Spock is my reason, my logic. 

In other parts of my life...he is firmly in charge but in others...he takes a back seat. Mr. Spock was still intact to a small degree and occasionally he would stand up and state a, RESOUNDING, 
"But if....?!" 

Of course, I always had the other voice, the co-dependent voice, rationalizing things for my convenience. Trying to maintain the "status quo"....making me afraid to stand up, ask questions, change anything, for fear of losing my SOULMATE. THIS was the voice that was in control when Mr. Spock was "shut down". Sometimes he had to work REALLY HARD to shut out Spock but sometimes it was EASY!

I call that voice "The Saboteur".

My physical affair with the abuser began nearly immediately and I was even in this woman's house with him while she was out of town. Although this troubled me, and made me worry, I felt no MORAL objection to it...after all...their relationship was through...would he have taken the risk of taking me there if that was not true? 

I began accompanying him on rock climbing trips and, basically, abandoned the care of my children to my Mother. She understood what it was like to be young and in love...so she willingly took over for me so that I could focus all my attention and love on my

 "Prince Charming".

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

Wait...if he is cheating on this woman...and is willing to take ME into her BED...why doesn't he just leave her and why has he not left her before now?

The saboteur: OF COURSE! He told me of his feelings of guilt in abandoning this woman who loved him so much...how he didn't have the heart to hurt her. How he was breaking away gently to help ease her pain. 

It was a WHIRLWIND and I was swept off my feet and gloriously in LOVE! 

Me: "Don't you see, Mr. Spock....what he did in that relationship has NOTHING to do with our relationship! None of that matters!"

My "N" had made several racist remarks during our early courtship so, in fear of  rejection, I just HAPPENED to fail to mention that my first husband was AA...OR that my two children (about which my "N" knew but had never met) were bi-racial. I ALSO just HAPPENED to take down all pictures of them in my home so that he would not see them. 

My reasoning ability was gone by then.

 I simply could NOT lose this man. 

If I just kept the secret until I make sure he is REALLY in love with me, then it won't matter as much when he finds out....

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

If he is a racist, how can you expose your children to this? How can this possibly work out if he hates the the people you love most, simply because of their skin color?! Do you want a relationship with someone who has such a contradictory value system when it comes to something THIS important? There are many AA people in your family, How will this work out?

The saboteur:: I was seeing a councilor at the time and I explained the situation to her. Her question was "Is the relationship serious?" She told me that if the relationship was NOT serious it was really none of his business WHO I was married to in the past! Sounds like a perfectly reasonable boundary to me...of course I HAD NO knowledge of boundaries in practice. 

Me: So there Mr. Spock! I can keep my secret until I JUDGE that the relationship is "Serious"! 

Well, his live in girlfriend discovered that he had brought me into her home and she threw him out. Turns out nearly EVERYTHING in THEIR home had actually been HER property so he did not have much to pack...and he scooted back home to live with his Mother and Grandfather. That left us free to begin our life together! 
Shortly, thereafter, I met his Mother...the "N" in law. 
She was loud...
she was abrasive...
she was outwardly mean...
she was demanding...
she was always bordering on rude...
she was entitled...
she was superior...

BUT she couldn't be ALL BAD right? 

After all she had produced this glorious Prince Charming!

Within 10 minutes of meeting her for the first time, she looked at me, sort of laughing and said "Boy, you really ARE stupid aren't you?!" My "N" acted as though it was not a big deal..like he didn't even NOTICE...like she had said "How are you today?"

I was floored!

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

Why is his Mother being so rude to a perfect stranger? Especially to someone who is a person her son states he cares so much about? Would your mother ever act that way? Is it really OK for anyone to speak to you that way!? There are many things you are...and many things that can be said about you....but "STUPID" is not a word that accurately describes you!

The saboteur: But....my Mother raised a daughter who does not respond in haste, or in anger, particularly to someone of such importance to the love of your life! Perhaps she is KIDDING (didn't you see her smirk...and didn't you hear the "joking" tone in her voice?) I have just gotten off from work after working all night....and I DO have a tendency to be a bit OVERSENSITIVE.

If you say anything to rock the boat YOU COULD LOSE HIM!

Me: Shut up Mr Spock..you don't know what you are talking about!

Our relationship continued and became more serious and we were together nearly constantly on a daily basis. So, once again, within a month or so...

Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

Your excuse of not having a "serious relationship" is over. You KNOW that the relationship is getting serious! You must now let him know about the race of your first husband and children. 

For once, I knew Mr. Spock was right.

Now, I was NEVER ASHAMED of my relationship with my first husband, 
and NEVER ashamed of my children. 
I judge people by much more than the color of their skin. 
This is a very deep part of my belief system. 
I truly believe that none of us can claim to be TRULY "color-blind" but I never let any one's race determine their worth in my eyes. 
My concern was HIS feeling about it.
 I KNEW that if he was unable to accept this about my children and me, 
our relationship had no CHANCE of going any further...
and I NEVER intended to try to hide this from him in order to "trap" him 
or "fool" him in any way
 (although that is what he later would say).
 I had disclosed EVERYTHING about my life, my marriage, my children, my family, my addiction...everything EXCEPT the fact that my ex-husband was AA. 
This is important because it would be THAT FACT ALONE that would determine his reaction to the situation. 

I omitted NOTHING ELSE. 

I was so deeply in love with him that it terrified me that he would 

reject me because of that

...but I knew that, if he did, I would pursue him no further. 

It was a DEAL BREAKER for both of us.

So, one day, as he was dropping me off at home, I asked him why he had never asked me any questions about my children. He admitted that he had started to wonder why he had never seen them. 
I braced myself for the blow and showed him a picture of my children. 
He took the picture and looked at it. 
His expression never changed. 
He handed the picture back to me. 
No words were spoken. 
He kissed me, we said goodbye, 
and I got out of the car and went into the house.

Then NOTHING.

He did not call me. 

I did not hear from him. 

There was no contact. 

For three days. 

This was an EXTREME change from our constant contact, and although 

I felt like I was dying inside...

Mr. Spock tried to comfort me with logic. Although it hurts, you know you cannot live with a racist..someone who would let the color of your children's skin make him so uncomfortable that he no longer loves you. 
CAN someone who REALLY loves you turn off love JUST LIKE THAT?! 
You are likely better off!

Mr. Spock was speaking the truth and I knew it. 

It was inevitable...

it was logical...

but OH!, it was SO PAINFUL! 

There was nothing else to do. 

If he wanted no further contact then that was just the way it would have to be.

I did not ONCE attempt to contact him!

After 3 days...my "N" called me. He said that the news had "floored him" at first and he simply did NOT know, at that time, if he could deal with it. 
He had spoken to his Mother "N" and she had told him that he should clear out because it would ruin his life. 
He had spoken to his Brother (also not fond of AA) who had, surprisingly, told him that if he loved me, it should not matter. 
He had spoken to his Father (a reformed racist who was actually MARRIED to an AA at the time) who mirrored what his Brother had told him. 
He had thought about it and come to the decision that he could "accept it". 

My heart started to soar with relief...

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

He can "accept it" but that mean he doesn't consider it wrong? 
Is he still thinking that this a simply a "mistake" you made? 
Something that you REGRET?!?
 Isn't he still a RACIST? 
Won't this come back to haunt you later? 
He had to ask OTHER PEOPLE what to do before he decided to "accept it"!? 
He completely turned off his love for you and did not contact you for 3 days
...to discuss it...to talk about it...to understand your position! 
He was willing to even CONSIDER this to be worth giving up this LOVE 
that he claims is SO GLORIOUS!?! 

Because of skin color!? 

The saboteur: BUT....I DID spring it on him all at once. I had hidden it from him for months. Wouldn't that make you step back if the shoe was on the other foot? Can he help how he was raised?! He says that he REALLY isn't a racist but just that it surprised him...that's probably true! If he was TRULY a racist would he even CONSIDER continuing with the relationship?! And even if he is, a tiny bit racist...does that mean he can't CHANGE?! His Father was a racist once too, and HE changed!! 
How WONDERFUL that he loves me SO MUCH that he is willing to try to understand! 
He must REALLY feel the same way I do! 
He must REALLY love me!

Me: Shut up Mr Spock..you don't know what you are talking about!

About 3 months after he moved in with his Mother (after his live in girlfriend ended the relationship) my "N" came to my house. 

With a serious look he told me the following story...

He stated he had been contacted by his "ex" who had advised him that she was pregnant with his child. She had just recently discovered she was pregnant despite the long interval of time since the relationship ended. He felt that, although he wanted nothing to do with his "ex" he would, obviously, want to be involved in the life of his child.

I felt the world move under my feet...I came as close as I have EVER been to fainting

...I was stunned, despondent, breathless, crushed, hopeless and completely devastated! My mind raced! 

I felt panic! 

I immediately knew that he would NEVER be completely free of this woman now...

that our relationship was over! 

His expressed plan and desire to be in the life of his unborn child made me believe that he would, naturally, take his responsibility as a father very seriously, 
and WOULD WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN. 
I had NOT considered that before. 
HE HAD NO CHILDREN, and with ME, he NEVER WOULD.
I could never have more children! 
I had a tubal ligation after my second child! 

I would NEVER be able to offer him a child of our own to 
compete with the bond he would have with that child!
Was that FAIR to HIM?!
Wasn't that going to come back to haunt us later?!

I, quite literally, saw my life flash before my eyes! 
I stood there in shock...barely breathing...my heart heavy...despondent and devastated...

Then he said....

APRIL FOOLS!

I was angry! I was relieved! I was furious! I was elated!

I was INCREDULOUS at the cruelty of this joke! 
I was in tears.

He was laughing! 
He was taunting me! 
He was saying "You just can't take a joke".

I was trying to explain why I was so upset. 
I was telling him that I thought it was the end of our relationship. 

Then he said "I don't believe you are saying that you would have ended our relationship if this was true! 
How dare you! 
I have accepted YOUR children. 
I am willing to deal with that! 
But if I had a child YOU would not even be able to continue our relationship?!?"

He was angry! 
He was furious! 
He was incredulous!

I was apologizing. 

I was sorry. 

I was wrong. 

I was inferior to him. 

My love for him was not equal to his love for me. 

Deep inside I realized that I was not WORTHY of his love! 

This was proof! 

It became imperative that I hold on to this man as NO ONE would EVER 

love me this much again. Not EVER! 

He was my gift from God and, if I was not VERY CAREFUL, 

someone would steal him away from me....

It was on that VERY DAY that I began research into having my 
tubal reversed and In Vitro Fertilization! 
I was already in my mid thirties...there was no time to waste!

If he was willing to SETTLE FOR ME...with all my issues...
he should NOT be punished for it. 
I WOULD find a way!

He DESERVED a CHILD and I WOULD find a way to give him one!

And Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

Why would he do that to you?! 
That was so CRUEL! 
Would someone who loved you do that!?! 
Shouldn't a normal person have the ability to see how that would affect you!? 

How did YOU end up apologizing?! 

Something is wrong! 

There is a Danger Here!

The saboteur: But he is here...and he loves me. 
He loves me more than I ever hoped to be loved. 
He is wonderful, his is forgiving, he is everything!

Me: Shut up Mr Spock!

After that...Mr. Spock's voice became more dim with each passing month 
and year. Sometimes I could no longer hear him at all.

The saboteur: That's OK. You don't need Mr. Spock. 

He simply cannot possibly understand your love.

And so it went for nearly 2 decades...

FORGIVE AND FORGET?

FORGIVE AND FORGET, TO A NARCISSIST, MEANS "SHUT UP ABOUT MY ABUSE, LIES, AND INFIDELITY"....the narcissist is a master manipulator and knows what to say, and how to appeal to your better nature.  When the narcissist says forgive and forget, the N is talking about YOU, not about themselves.  It means they don't want to be held accountable and they want you to shut up about the abuse, lies, and infidelity so they can go on to new victims.  It may also be done as a part of a hoover....they want you to disregard everything they've done so they can get you hooked and do it again. 

The narcissist is trying to sucker you with this ploy.  God says forgiveness MUST be preceded by sincere repentance and remorse, and a firm purpose never to do it again, followed by making amends to those you've injured.  That is NEVER the narcissist. 

The forgive and forget campaign can be carried on as a part of a smear campaign....such as the N saying they are willing to forgive and forget, but you aren't.....which leaves out that you have little or nothing to be forgiven for, whereas they are overwhelmingly the offenders and wrong doers in the relationship.  The point of this tactic is to characterize you as "bitter". 

Forgiveness to the narcissist means ignoring the evil they did and appeasing the narcissist.  That can never be.  What they are asking is for you to EXCUSE the evil they did.  I, on the other had, have forgiven myself for not leaving earlier in the relationship.  For that, I am truly sorry, you can believe.

Must you forgive to be happy again?  The latest research says definitely NO.  You can simply move on to a new life and get the narcissist out of your mind and life forever.  If you whitewash the narcissist's bad deeds you are helping the N destroy innocent people. 

God is also just.  Consider this verse:  "What does the Lord require of you?  To do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God".  So, do justice to the narcissist, AND to his future victims, and have mercy on those potential victims by exposing the narcissist's evil.....that's what is both right, and healthy.

THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN

YOU WERE LIED TO, ABUSED, CHEATED ON, AND DISCARDED.......and, just when you think the long nightmare is over, you realize that the narcissist has been conducting a smear campaign behind your back that becomes a hurricane of abuse that's shocking and horrifying.  This is abuse in the first degree....willful, deliberate, and premeditated, with malice aforethought....sheer evil, with the intent to discredit you in advance for the truth you will tell about the narcissist. 

The smear becomes wide spread with the intent of isolating you and creating fear in you of speaking out....fear that it will get even worse.  You are discredited in advance of anything you say, and flying monkeys are recruited to abuse and bully you by proxy.

And, perhaps worse, the narcissist makes public things that were suppose to be very private to smear, demean, and embarrass you, and may embellish them to make them more embarrassing.

As a part of this smear campaign, the narcissist will often triangulate you with others by claiming you said negative things about them, in order to create enemies for you.  The N may tell your family things, or pose questions to them in order to get them to ask you about them, however false or private, in order to make you feel more embarrassed and pressured.

One of the most ugly aspects of the smear campaign is hate wrapped in the veneer of concern....the narcissist pretends that they are "concerned" about your mental state, or your drinking, and the like, so they seem like a loving, kind person who only wants the best for you.  That fools a lot of people.

Akin to this one is the smear campaign wherein the narcissist plays the victim....with tall tales of all the wrong you did to the N, and how they really had no choice but to leave, and how sad they are, since they really thought you were the one, how they loved you, and were so wronged. 

I learned from my NarcX that narcissists believe you DESERVE this treatment because you began to see the real person behind the mask, and they consider your not believing the illusion anymore to be a betrayal. 

I'll do another post about how to respond to a smear campaign...be sure to catch that one so you understand what it's possible to do out of self defense.

The Fifteen, Evil, Well Planned and Skillfully Executed Steps of Character Assassination

DISBELIEF!

One, very common, frustration for the Victims/Survivors of the abuse of an N/S/P is that no one will believe you! I hesitate to call it a "frustration" because it is so MUCH MORE than that in reality. 

The effects from this can range from the 

annoying...i.e.strangers that have no power to affect you, believing lies about you, 

to the soul destroying...i.e your own family members turning against you, 

to the life changing....i.e. convincing the court that you are lying, resulting in the loss of your children and/or your ability to support yourself.

The ability of the N/S/P abusers to convince others that we are untruthful, unbalanced, cruel, vindictive, crazy, selfish, back-stabbers, bad parents and a myriad of other things...is their single most life changing "skill". So MANY times it is simply your word against theirs...but even when you have PROOF they are very successful in making others refuse to even CONSIDER at it by convincing them that you are "petty" and "vindictive". 

They CRY to others about how we have HURT them. They PURPOSEFULLY may decide to tell people how very much they LOVED YOU and how THEY are not angry with YOU and how they cannot understand how you could have "turned on them" this way. Often they tell others that they suspect that it is DRUGS or a MENTAL DISORDER and how MUCH they have TRIED to HELP US. It is NOT unknown for them to even produce TEARS in the right places.

They play the hurt "victim" to the HILT while simultaneously tormenting their victims unmercifully and cruelly, causing us ANGER and JUSTIFIABLE RAGE...and then use that very anger and rage to show EVERYONE JUST HOW UNSTABLE YOU ARE. 

When these other people...the "flying monkeys" who buy their stories, attempt to approach us about it, to "reason with us", repeating the lies they have been told...

that they have BELIEVED...we are HURT and ANGRY. Our FIRST reaction is to try to EXPLAIN...to try to CONVINCE...to try to CORRECT the lies. 

THIS ALSO FALLS RIGHT INTO THEIR PLAN...because they have been plotting this out and they KNOW how to arrange everything JUST the way they want it. 

The MORE you speak, the more these people become convinced that the abuser is CORRECT...the angrier you get about the betrayal of the abuser 

AND the flying monkeys....the more they are convinced that the abuser is correct. 

When you, justifiably, become upset that these people you have counted as friends, 

or even family members, your parents, your children, 

have so EASILY BEEN CONVINCED BY LIES...the more you are likely to lash out at them. 

Then, of COURSE, they simply CANNOT UNDERSTAND why YOU are angry at THEM. 

Once again, "The abuser MUST have been correct because you are NOW turning, irrationally and without REASON, EVEN on your friends and family!" 

It is a VICIOUS CYCLE and a trap that is nearly impossible to escape from. 

The ONLY hope is for these people to SEE IT FOR THEMSELVES because you will likely NEVER convince them!

 In an article published by an expert in Narcissism... I saw the words written and 

they rolled around in my head....

"Money, friends, family members, finances, identification, thoughts and emotions are all eventually stolen from the victim leaving them in a position with no resources to leave and no-one to turn to for help, yet the victims do not realize it until it's too late.

The narcissist has usually already ostracized their victim and built up an army of support, should the victim question anything that has happened.

The narcissist's army will help propagate their lies to the victim whilst unknowingly being fooled by those very same lies. They report the thoughts and emotions of the victim back to their narcissistic partner who uses the information to manipulate them even further and to prevent them from finding out the truth.

Stealing a person's thoughts and emotions and attempting to replace them with false thoughts, even to cover something up, is known as mental rape. The narcissist has created their own ring of abusers, they have employed their own army of mental and emotional rapists by manipulating the victim's own family and friends 

- the victim is left isolated.

Should the victim question the narcissist's pathological lies or hidden promiscuous behavior then they will feel the wrath of the narcissist. 

The true victim will suddenly be the one who is insane or paranoid, which the narcissist has already got their friends and family believing 

long before the victim could have ever anticipated.

Although friends and family may know about some of the narcissist's 

one night stands or continued secret long-terms affairs, 

these are already justified in their minds due to the lies the 

narcissist has been telling them about the victim over the years.

The victim has already been ostracized and had their reputation 

destroyed in the background without them even realizing 

what was happening.

By the time the victim figures this out... 

It is already too late."

On one hand, how freeing it was to read this, as it was my exact experience.... 

but truly understanding what he had managed to do to me, WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE, was truly terrifying!

I have a large, very close, family that has survived more than the average amount of suffering and trial and remains close and supportive. My family is full of people who ABSOLUTELY put family first and foremost among all the possessions in the world. The kind of family that is normally supportive of each other.

Even though this is the fact...the "N" still made amazing inroads to garnering 

the support of some members of MY family, even against me. 

THAT IS TRULY AMAZING AND TERRIFYING!

What is even MORE terrifying is the realization that your friends and loved ones have been LISTENING and BEING PREPARED for this for YEARS sometimes...

COLLUDING with the abuser and HIDING IT FROM YOU. 

This is, often, managed by the abuser using the guise of great CONCERN about you. These "flying monkeys" often TRULY believe that the abuser 

LOVES YOU AND IS ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU.

The trick is in HOW it is done. It is done SLOWLY and over a period of time (often YEARS)...using a precise methodology similar to the one described below...

*******

Understanding the abuser's methods of assassinating your character 

and stealing your credibility ...

(In Fifteen, Evil, Well Planned and Skillfully Executed Steps)

Step#1 Victim preparation- Convince you (the victim) that the "N" loves you above all else. That they ADORE you and would never harm you in any way

Step#2 Family preparation- Convince family members (both yours and the abusers) that the "N" loves you above all else. That they ADORE you and would never harm you in any way (you help the N in doing this by giving glowing reports of the "love bombing")

Step#3 Support group preparation- Convince friends and acquaintances that the "N" loves you above all else. That they ADORE you and would never harm you in any way (you help the N in doing this by giving glowing reports of his "love bombing")

Step#4 The setup - Carry reports of the N's desperate attempts to "help the victim" with any problem (real or perceived) that may occur. These reports usually contain hints of the victimization of the N who is "trying to help the victim but is receiving nothing in return". In this way the N is starting to be perceived as the "giver" and the victim as the "taker". (During this time the victim is usually still hiding the issues that arise to keep the illusion of the "great love". Since there are no complaints by the victim, it is assumed that the victim is simply "hiding" these issues spoken of by the N)

Step#5 Devaluation begins- The N begins mistreating the victim (while not in the presence of credible witnesses) who, thinking they will have support of friends and family, begin to try to communicate these abuses to their support system.

Step#6 Dismissed- The response of the support system is not unsympathetic, at first, but there is an apparent lack of understanding of the serious nature of the issue. Most abuses you attempt to discuss are ASSUMED to be exaggerated and these are often minimized and dismissed by the support system. THEY have not seen any abuse!The support system has been conditioned to think that the victims issues are prompting the victim to lie about the N.

Step#7 Isolation begins- The victim now sees that they lack TRUE support and are being LARGELY discounted in preference to the N. The victim begins to withdraw and their personality can begin to change

Step#8 Escalation- The N escalates the abuse of the victim (while not in the presence of credible witnesses). The victim believes that they will certainly have support of friends and family due to the, often outrageous, nature of the abuse. They may, again try to communicate these abuses to their support system.

Step#9 The Trap- The response of the support system is largely unsympathetic and, often, the result is a verbal denial of the serious nature of the issue by the support system. The support system has been conditioned to BELIEVE that the victims issues are prompting the victim to lie about the N. The support system believes that these reports of escalated abuse are nothing but MORE FABRICATIONS by the victim.

Step#10 "Please help me to help her/him" - The N carries reports of the "BAD behavior" of the victim (which will be GREATLY EXAGGERATED), to the support system. These "stories" and "pleas for assistance" by the abuser, serve to illustrate the absurd behavior and insanity of the victim to the support system...while maintaining that they still madly love the victim but do not "know how to help them". (The victim, during this step will often give evidence of their own "insanity" by displaying anger and rages at what is being done to them and because they are not being believed)

Step#11 The MARTYR- The support system, having seen evidence of the insanity of the victim, and having been convinced of the good intentions of the N, may begin to pull away from the victim and feel tremendously sorry for the N, and ANGRY AT THE VICTIM. They may begin to agree with the N that they are being unfairly treated and that the N may have no choice but to leave the victim. The N usually maintains the illusion of inability to leave the victim due to the tremendous love they feel for a while longer. Now seen by the support system as the "long-suffering martyr", the N continues to garner more and more support from the victims support system. The Victim becomes more and more isolated.

Step#12 Brainwashed- The victim, seeing that attempts to tell the truth are causing increased isolation and causing the support system to pull away, often give up and increase their tolerance for this abuse. The victim may feel that, if the support system sees the N as being right, maybe they are, and the victim begins to question what is happening and taking on the blame.

Step#13 Giving up- Despite the attempts of the victim to defuse the situation by becoming more passive and tolerating the increased abuse, the N continues to RATCHET UP the abuse. The victim ceases to complain about it because others do not respond as the victim thinks they should. This is very hurtful to the victim as they now realize that there is NOTHING they can do to escape the trap at this point. The victim increases their own isolation.

Step#14 System Compromised - The N may begin to display some, obviously inappropriate behavior, to the support system. Having affairs, making sexual advances to family members, being selfish in spending matters. Each of these acts, by the abuser is blamed on the VICTIM...because "no matter HOW HARD the abuser TRIES to make the victim happy...(the abuser claims to the support system) the victim remains abusive and cruel". Due to the, lengthy, pre-conditioning they have experienced, the support system will often READILY EXCUSE these behaviors. After all... the N has "suffered so much abuse at the hand of the victim....it is OBVIOUS that no human can be expected to tolerate it"...."He/She has TRIED SO HARD!" Because the victim is believed to be at fault, the support system will often COLLUDE with the abuser to HIDE these things from the VICTIM. By this time, many in the "support system" believe that the victim is getting JUST WHAT THEY DESERVE.

Step#15 The end game- If the victim is STILL around, and has not walked, or crawled away, this cycle will continue until the N has exhausted the supply available from the victim .... then they will discard the victim, often with the partial or FULL support of the support system. 
"After all, they deserve some happiness too!" 
The victim, by this time, has often become the "walking dead", depressed, hopeless, unsure of their own ability to make decisions...doubting their own sanity. 
The victim may go through the motions of life but they are hardly alive. 

The support system (which is, by now, supporting ONLY the abuser) sees the victim 

as mentally deranged, drug addicted, mentally ill, purposely cruel or just plain STUPID. The N is seen as a long-suffering martyr...

the victim, as the selfish, lying, abuser. 

Since the support system has been so conditioned, any truth of the victim 

about the abuse of the N is discounted and seen as lies. 

The support system may even BLATANTLY turn on the victim and assist the abuser in taking everything they can from the victim...including the children...because the victim is "OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE of being a good parent"

By using this method, the NEx actually succeeded in obtaining the temporary loyalty of some members of my support system, despite the fact that they were my FAMILY members and had no reason to believe I was ANYTHING but HONEST and STABLE prior to the entrance of the abuser.

That is the power of the manipulation of a sociopath. 

Their planning is long term and their execution of that plan, often, FLAWLESS.

Before it was over, some of the people in my (very close) family...

• Chose to believe a man who was a stranger only a few years prior and chose to disbelieve me, although they had known me since birth. 
• They hid things from me that they would NEVER have considered hiding from me before. 
• They had PRIOR KNOWLEDGE of his plan to DISCARD ME and never said a word. 
• They KNEW he was having a long-term sexual affair and looked me in the eye and pretended that nothing was happening, every day. 
• They ACTUALLY promised him that they would REMAIN HIS FRIENDS even after he discarded me and walked away. 
• They KNEW that he did not plan to forewarn me or give me time to plan. 
• They COLLUDED with him to deceive me...and, at the time they were doing so, they had absolutely no feeling of shame or remorse for doing so. 
• They truly believed that I DESERVED IT.

Luckily for me, the delusion they were under rapidly faded when they saw how he tried to DESTROY ME.

Remember... they BELIEVED in his GOODNESS, they BELIEVED in his MASK. 

In NO WAY, did they believe they had made a pact with the devil! 

On the contrary! 

They HONESTLY BELIEVED that I was ABUSING HIM...even though they 

never SAW any abuse (as I never committed any)! 

They believed this based SOLELY on what HE TOLD THEM. 

When his MASK fell off, they realized how they had been deceived and 

what they had helped him do to me. 

They saw the EVIL that was truly there and, suddenly, 

their eyes were opened.

Knowing how MANY things he had convinced ME to believe and what

 I had done as a result of my belief in his mask...

I can honestly say that the damages within my family have been repaired. 

How can I blame them for falling for the same mask that I fell for?

These abusers are very gifted at their evil games and the results are nothing less 

than truly mind-blowing! 

Maybe that is why we, as the victims, learn to DREAD their ANGER.

We KNOW what they are capable of and what they will do to win.

Seeing that depth of evil is something that no one can be prepared for...

and each one must SEE FOR THEMSELVES in order to be convinced that it exists.

Once they do, they/we are never quite the same....

INVALIDATION: THE COVERT FORM OF ABUSE...

One of the most corrosive and destructive forms of narcissistic abuse is invalidation.  This occurs when the narcissist acts like we don't exist, or don't matter, or are worthless and unimportant.  It's very distressing to us and causes us to redouble our efforts to be significant to the narcissist.  But, this is not about us, though we don't know it.  It's about the narcissist, as always. 

We once had ALL the narcissist's attention, or so it seemed, and their affection, and we were the most important thing in the N's life.  Now, we wonder what's wrong with us. 

Invalidation is the opposite of love.  It is an exquisite cruelty in a romantic relationship where we believed we had a life partner.  an aspect of invalidation is the devalue and discard phase...we become less than nothing to the narcissist, who has moved on instantly, making us bewildered.  In fact, the N in the process of doing the same thing to another victim.

I know my now wife still felt invalidated 5 years post divorce to the point she felt unworthy of a relationship...that is, until we met.  What is validating to her?  It's as simple as a normal, loving relationship that is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  It's complementing her, making her feel special because she is special, and her understanding her importance to my life, and my son's life. 

Just remember, there was NEVER anything wrong with you.  You were always enough for the right person...a normal person.  You didn't lose the narcissist's love...you never had it.  It was all fake, and it's fake with the new supply.  But, oh my, show things change with the right person.  Yes, you can be happy again.  Don't let the narcissist win...move on to a good relationship.  Just start slowly and gradually.  It happened for me and for my now wife, and if it happened for us it can happen for you.

Example of how a BAD LAWYER can be WORSE than NO LAWYER.

How a BAD LAWYER can be WORSE than NO LAWYER!

I did NOT select the first lawyer that I met with. I saw THREE before finally choosing the one I did. He was young and charming. He appeared to be competent. He talked a good game...told me about what he would do for me and what he would fight against. He DID tell me...in that FIRST conversation, that if at ANYTIME I became "unreasonable" he would DROP me because he does not represent "unreasonable" people. 

I saw no real problem with that...I AM REASONABLE. So I put my life, and the lives of my children, in his hands...along with a significant chunk of money. Money which I had been forced to BORROW. 

At our SECOND MEETING, he uttered the words that should have been my FIRST RED FLAG. I had JUST told him about some of the evil things that the abuser had been doing and he said...

"Well! He is simply a NORMAL man who is terrified that he is going to lose his children. You will see, he will CALM DOWN once he sees that this will not happen!"

After advising my lawyer that I was CERTAIN that he would soon see that this was NOT a description that fit MY abuser" He looked at me with an all knowing, patronizing grin, flashing me his straight, white teeth and made no comment.

So it went. He kept INSISTING that he would see that I was treated fairly, instruct me about what EVIDENCE I needed to collect and then PROCEED to CAVE on EVERY single thing my abuser demanded. 

He asked me, in the beginning, what was the single MOST IMPORTANT thing that I wanted...and I told him I wanted majority time share with my children.

He stood by, without even arguing on my behalf while the abuser continued to abuse me....with the help of an attorney who did not care about the truth, fairness OR about what was best for the children.

With EACH unreasonable demand MY attorney would say "That is what a GOOD lawyer does. I would do the same thing if HE was MY client!" That never made sense to me. I WAS HIS CLIENT and he did NOTHING to protect me. 

Following are some of the things they that he FACILITATED happening. This is the stuff of narcissistic nightmares....

• The abuser took (carted off) 70% PLUS of our marital possessions and I never got them back. The police stated he could take anything he wanted and I could not stop him because we were legally married. As an example, they used my car. They assured me that he could TAKE MY CAR and leave me without transportation and NOTHING would be done because it was just as much HIS as MINE. From That day on I slept with the keys around my neck on a lanyard. My lawyer stated that he thought I should “just let him KEEP the STUFF and we would go for CASH” I never got any of the stuff back…nor did I get any cash. He didn’t even ASK FOR ANY.
• The abuser LIVED in the marital home for THREE MONTHS after I filed for divorce, coming and going as he pleased, eating my food, getting dressed for dates, treating our home as a hotel room while posting FB pictures of his new "soulmate"...and REFUSED TO PAY ONE PENNY toward the bills. HE LIVED FOR FREE and stocked up his money. My lawyer stated that there was no way to get him out of the house and I just needed to grow up and deal with it. He further stated that I would have to pay the bills ANYWAY so him being there was NOT ACTUALLY causing any financial hardship.
• During this three month period, while I was working two jobs, paying all the bills and he was “dating” and paying NOTHING….he REFUSED to get out of the marital bed. He gave me the option of SLEEPING WITH HIM…or camping on the couch. I slept on the fold out couch for that entire three months while he was nice and comfortably “recovering” from his DATES. Sometimes he would be gone for DAYS…but I did not DARE to sleep in there for fear he would show up unexpectedly…so the bed was EMPTY half the time and I was on the couch. My lawyer said he could not be concerned with such “petty nonsense”
• During this SAME three month period, my children were going through HELL and both of them felt the need to sleep with me. I think they were trying to protect me…and it DID decrease his abusive rants and threats because he did not want the kids to hear him. SO…it was me and TWO teenaged boys, sleeping on a fold out couch…for three months, while he slept in my king sized bed. Lawyer did not care and thought I was “exaggerating”
• Same period, the abuser expected me to pay his car payment and Insurance and give him gas money for his date nights. When I refused to do that he stated that he was going to sue me because I was SUPPOSED to continue paying the bills I had BEEN PAYING in the marriage. EXCUSE the French…I told him to GO FUCK HIMSELF. The lawyer stated that, in actuality, the abuser was correct but that he DOUBTED he would pursue it.
• On a couple of occasions, I awakened to find him standing over me, staring down at me with this creepy, blank faced grin. He stated he was “Just standing there and had every right to do so”. This freaked everyone out. I am convinced he was SHOWING me that he could have done ANYTHING to me and that I was vulnerable at all times. My lawyer stated that this could not be considered to be threatening in ANY WAY and I needed to “get a grip”
• The abuser lied in court, hiding his income, as he is self-employed, and ended up paying NOTHING toward the support of our children. My lawyer made NO EFFORT to show that he was hiding income because he stated “It is impossible to prove cash income”. He told me I would have to deal with it. He MADE NO EFFORT even to point out the OBVIOUS INCONSISTENCIES.
• The abuser, despite paying NOTHING, was given the right to claim one of the children as a tax exemption. The lawyer stated that he went ahead and AGREED to this because it is ordered 100% of the time by the judge anyway. No way to fight it!
• He slandered me continuously and told all the members of his church that I had “Tried to hire a hit man to kill him”. When I advised him that I would be suing him for slander since I am QUITE AWARE that I have NOT tried to hire a hit man….he stated he found out that it was “a mistake” but STILL left all the church members with the assumption that I am a crazed, murderous, loon. As far as I know…they STILL believe it. When I asked him why he did not tell them he was WRONG he stated “It is none of their business!” (My lawyer stated that he was no interested in this “kindergarten crap and told me I needed to grow up”)
• At FIRST- The abuser made me 100% totally responsible for maintaining the marital home, paying all mortgage, taxes, insurance and paying for ALL REPAIRS. He maintained rights to a FULL 50% of the equity and the ability to watch the house like a hawk...tormenting me in the process. My lawyer automatically agreed to this stating that “at least I got to keep the kids in their home”
• Later- in the final divorce, the abuser insisted that the house be sold (although he had PROMISED our children NOT to do this) and refused to pay for half of the cost of cleaning and preparing the house for sale. He still received a FULL 50% of the equity. My lawyer stated that this was the best possible outcome because it would further separate our finances.
• The checking account my pay checks went into was in BOTH our names. It was granted to me in the divorce as he NEVER added anything or utilized it and I had many auto payments coming out of it. After being TOLD that the account belonged to me, he REPEATEDLY contacted the bank and changed the address on the account to HIS address so he could keep tabs on my money. The bank stated that, short of closing the account or him signing off of it…he had just as much right to receive the statements as I did. My lawyer, again, just advised me to just close the account and did not say ANYTHING about him purposely breaking the court order by trying to get access to MY ACCOUNT. It seemed to HIM that by keeping the account open…I was “nearly INVITING him to invade my account”
• During initial mediation, when I ABSOLUTELY refused to pay him alimony, he tried to SELL me an extra day every two weeks, with my children, IF I paid him $1000 a month. My attorney merely CHUCKLED and stated “If I was his attorney, I would do the same!” There was no mention of how DESPICABLE this was or use to show that he was more concerned about money than time with the kids.
• While he was still in the home, there were several incidents of things BREAKING or turning up MISSING...VANDALISM, etc. Each incident occurred WHILE he was there but was not DISCOVERED until he was, coincidentally, GONE. At one point he vandalized the well and I called the police. They stated he denied it and they had no reason to think he would do such a thing. Another time he went into the attic and vandalized equipment which belonged to the cable company. The technician stated there WAS NO QUESTION ABOUT THE FACT THAT IT WAS DONE PURPOSELY and that this could not have “just happened”. It REQUIRED that the person enter the attic, crawl all the way to the other side and PURPOSELY disconnect it. He was willing to allow my son to record these assertions…which we did. My lawyer did not think this was pertinent.
• He would sneak into the house, listen in on conversation, record conversations illegally and, basically, pop out of nowhere, showing us that we could NEVER be safe. My lawyer stated he had the right to come and go as he wanted and he did not find this at all threatening.
• He carted off ALL THE GUNS in the house (INCLUDING MINE- Total estimated value of guns and gun safe- At LEAST $5000) but never failed to let us know that HE was ALWAYS carrying a loaded gun either in his car or on his person. My lawyer stated “what do you guns for? Let him HAVE THEM!”
• He bought the kids new cell phones and told them that it was IMPERATIVE to their SAFETY that they NEVER go ANYWHERE with ME without taking the phones. Told them to keep the PHONES CHARGED at all times and told them that if they did NOT he was taking the phones back. (My lawyer stated that he was CERTAIN that he was only concerned that he does not lose contact with the kids)
• He told our children that he had “tracers on their phones” and that “they could NEVER be ANYWHERE that he could not “get to them”. He then threatened them stating “I will KNOW if you go to a counselor” and “YOU BETTER refuse to talk to them if your Mom MAKES you go!” “I will ALWAYS KNOW and I want you to call ME IMMEDIATELY and I will come and get you!” (My lawyer called THIS a different “parenting style” and not inappropriate)
• He was CONVINCED that I was taking them to see a counselor one day. There was no court order to FORBID it…but stupid ME, I listened to my LAWYER who stated I should delay all counseling until after the divorce was final. On THAT day, the abuser REFUSED to allow me to leave the house with the children. He got between my open door and the car, hovering over me, and badgered me about “my plans to take the kids to therapy” and stated “If you DO, you will be SORRY!” refused to move and allow me to leave. The kids were in the car in a near panic and trembled for over an hour asking “What do you think he is going to DO?!” Then, I took the kids out for dinner, to try to get them OUT of the turmoil for a little while. He called and texted their phones every 5-10 minutes, for the ENTIRE EVENING….demanding that they TELL HIM WHERE THEY WERE and further scaring the shit out of them. (My lawyer FINALLY suggested that I apply for an order to get him to leave the house…an order of protection. He stated he DOUBTED whether it would approved…it was DENIED because the judge said he did not “constitute a real and present danger to me or the children)
• After THAT, I refused to allow them to take the phones with them when we went on an outing. This was met by THREATS to press charges against me because he had a RIGHT to KNOW where his children were 24/7. He stated he had BOUGHT THE PHONES FOR THE CHILDREN and I MUST allow them to carry them at all times. I told him to show me that law and I would oblige. Of COURSE, no such law exists. (My lawyer again stated this was “piddly crap” and refused to address it)
• He, multiple times, threatened my adult son with physical harm by stating that he felt, falsely, "THREATENED" (when my son was not doing anything) by him and RECORDING this…while all the while carrying a loaded gun (after telling several people that he would “LOVE to have an excuse to shoot the little Ni***r). (I had multiple WITNESSES to THIS and my lawyer stated (“It is unlikely we will have to call any witnesses…anyway, they are your family members so the court will think they are lying for you.”)
• Called up my adult, disabled son’s disability with SSA and FALSELY reporting that he was WORKING. THIS was an absolute LIE, however, the burden was placed on us to DISPROVE it…and not on him to PROVE it. This resulted in the loss of his benefits for a period. (Regardless of the fact that the abuser TOLD OUR MINOR CHILDREN THAT HE, did indeed, do this and He stated, in front of them, that my family needs to learn to respect him and that my son needed to be PUNISHED for his disrespect...) (My lawyer stated, with only the children as witnesses, we could not PROVE he did this. Better to just let it go!)
• My lawyer talked me into signing a TOTALLY UNFAIR divorce agreement by saying, over and OVER…”If you do NOT sign this, as it is, HE IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR CHILDREN!” Like an idiot…I BELIEVED HIM. I KNEW I had done nothing wrong, but I was TERRIFIED that the court would take my children. I would have SIGNED ANYTHING at that point. (When I complained about it to the lawyer he stated…”Well, you GOT the kids for majority time share…you would THINK that this is what you would be concerned about…not all this OTHER CRAP”)

POST divorce

·       He sued me for “Contempt” accusing me of everything from hiding his belongings that I had ALREADY GIVEN HIM…to accusing me of ALIENATING the children….AND trying to utilize my personal BLOG (which was partially anonymous) as evidence against me. (My attorney stated “If I was his attorney, I would do the same!” and that I BETTER start FORCING my teen-aged children go with their Father or I could end up in jail. He stated the court was likely to side with the abuser. The abuser had done EVERYTHING he could think of to FORCE them to go and was unable to as they were seeing how dirty he was playing and they began to fear him. Still, my attorney stated that he ”KNEW darn well that I COULD MAKE THEM GO and that would be very clear to the court as well….and that it was OBVIOUS that this was the case”)

·      Asked that I be FORCED to pay his legal fees since I “Forced him to sue me because I was not following the parenting plan” (My lawyer stated that this was very possibly going to be ordered since I made more money- despite the fact that I am, basically, paying 100% for their support. He stated I needed to “be more reasonable and offer to make it up to the abuser”)

·      Asked that I be JAILED for contempt (My lawyer stated that it was quite possible that I would be jailed if it went before the judge and advised me to “GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED TO SETTLE outside of court”)

This is just a PARTIAL LISTING of what my first lawyer let them do to me without A SINGLE WORD. When I would get frustrated, and ask why, he would tell me that I was UNREASONABLE and shout at me, displaying anger and disrespect. 

He ONCE called me a LIAR in front of opposing counsel (not in the court room of course) and then allowed opposing counsel to do the same….stating “It is OBVIOUS that you are lying! Even your OWN ATTORNEY thinks so”.

In mediation, prior to appearance for the contempt charges, (which my lawyer insisted on even though I told him I was NOT giving the N ANYTHING ELSE VOLUNTARILY) my OWN lawyer tried to get me to amend the contract to take away his need to TRANSPORT the children back and forth when it was his time share. His EXACT words were “Well! It would not HURT you to provide transportation a little more frequently. It would be a show of REMORSE if you volunteered”. When I told him that SHOWING REMORSE would be ADMITTING GUILT and I was NOT GUILTY…he was uninterested in hearing that.

He also told me, that day, that “EVERY WOMAN says her ex is a Narcissist and he just didn’t BUY IT” He said that the “PROBLEM in the divorce was ME because I was being UNREASONABLE” and that “HE HAD SUCCEEDED in getting me MAJORITY time share which was what I told him was most important to me”

In actuality…the abuser OFFERED to give me majority time share if it meant he would NOT HAVE TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT THE CHILDREN!

In my LAWYER’S consideration he had done a GREAT job and I was too vindictive and unreasonable to see that!

THAT was the day he called me a liar and started screaming at me for being “Unreasonable” and on that day….

I had heard enough. 

I SHOULD have dumped his sorry ass way back at the beginning….but he knew what to say to make me THINK he believed me and would fight for me…and then CONSISTENTLY FAILED to do it. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt…I should NEVER have done this. This is MY LIFE and the life of my CHILDREN we are talking about.

He had NO CONCERN about the outcome because when it was over… he would go home and FORGET about us!

I stepped from an abuser at home to an abuser that I was PAYING. In SOME ways, I think he may have been even worse…because he was taking my money and NOT DOING what I paid him to do.

I had no money to hire another lawyer. I was broke because I was paying to support my children and had been forced to find, and obtain, new housing which was VERY EXPENSIVE. My FAMILY tried DESPERATELY to convince me NOT to go to court on the contempt with this idiot lawyer. I was going to go in WITHOUT a lawyer but, in the end, knowing that the abuser and his unscrupulous lawyer would try ANYTHING to badger me and break me down, one of them loaned me the money to obtain new counsel.

My NEW Lawyer seems to be a WHOLE LOT MORE “in my corner”. She BELIEVES me at least and says, after reviewing the paper he encouraged me to sign, she stated that I was COMPLETELY SCREWED and suggested that I might want to consider reporting him to the bar. She has handled MANY divorce case of abused spouses..and she is QUITE WELL AWARE that NARCISSISTS DO EXIST...and the lengths to which they are willing to go to WIN. She LISTENS to me and seems to GRASP what I am trying to get across. Most importantly, she will fight for what is important to ME. She might make SUGGESTIONS but she understands that it is ME who will have to live with the results.

She assures me that I have NOT committed CONTEMPT is ANY conceivable way…with the exception of the children refusing to go with him for a period of time. Once the threatened to have me jailed, the kids decided to just GO. They wait for each hour to pass until they get to come home again….but they DO GO…for now. 

Since I neither told them NOT TO GO nor did I have the POWER to MAKE THEM GO…who can tell how long they will bow down to his threats against me. I guess we will see. I FULLY intend to make sure the JUDGE hears me say that...as I do not want to end up in court AGAIN. 

At any rate, they are now 16 years old. I think it is pretty obvious that I could neither STOP THEM from going if they WANTED TO or MAKE THEM GO if they refuse. Their own Father has admitted that HE CANNOT...but expects ME TO DO SO. My new lawyer DID POINT THAT OUT out during the first hearing and she insinuated that this was RIDICULOUS.

Hey! If a big, powerful, he-man cannot force them...why assume I AM ABLE TO FORCE THEM?  In the first hearing she was able to point out several inconsistencies (LIES) that he and his lawyer told...and I believe the Judge may be starting to get the picture. 

With HER by my side, I am better able to relax and remain calm and composed.

My contempt trial (part 2) is coming up this month…I will post an update about how my new lawyer fares!

So THAT is part of my story…and EVERY WORD of it is true. 

That stupid attorney did me GREAT HARM by showing the JUDGE that HE did not even believe me!

 I could NOT have done any worse if I had represented MYSELF and I would not have been out $12,000…I still owe him $2000 and he has petitioned the court to make me pay him. 

My new attorney quickly pointed out that there was “no language to allow for this in the divorce decree” and the judge said 

“You are CORRECT! Too bad for Mr. ______!” 

He could STILL choose to SUE me for the money and I do NOT DOUBT that he likely will. 

I will face that when I come to it!

In closing....

Please, Please, PLEASE, PLEASE make sure that your attorney BELIEVES you and is willing to fight for you. 

If not, change at once. I wish I had!