THE NARCISSISTIC SERIAL BULLY....explained in detail....

The narcissist is a constant bully, and this is a detailed account of what the serial bully/narc is:

*is a convincing, practiced liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment

*has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act.

*excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive

*uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)

*is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form - but there's no substance

*is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will out maneuver most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict

*is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic

*relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a "normal" human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon

*is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly

*cannot be trusted or relied upon

*fails to fulfill commitments

*is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old

*is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy

*exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behavior and bodily functions; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse

*in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy

*holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc - prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret

*is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability

*has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion

*is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgably) about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity

*displays a compulsive need to criticize whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence

*shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water

*flits from topic to topic so that you come away feeling you've never had a proper conversation

*refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer

*is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability

*undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask

*is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them

*is quick to discredit and neutralize anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors

*may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others' resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organizations in pursuance of the vendetta

*is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account

*gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to

*is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)

*poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions

*when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression

*is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all

*often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others

*is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation

*is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty

*is mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy

*is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire

*is always a taker and never a giver

*is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)

*often fraudulently claims qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or bogus

*often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself

*knows the words but not the song

*is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication

Responsibility

The narcissistic serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behavior and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound.

LESSONS LEARNED DURING RECOVERY...the hard way...

WHAT I LEARNED AS I RECOVERED....my long, slow, difficult process...what was that like? Well, here goes:

I know what it's like to want the narcissist to just say they were wrong, but, they never will...or if they do, it will be a manipulation to get something from us.

It's good that you can have good days. Good days are very important to recovery...good days and good feelings...in fact, they will gradually become a habit if we make it so. My good day became far more plentiful when I met my now wife, especially when we began a relationship. Now, life is so different for me, but how well I can remember those difficult day of early recovery.

I had to think about what had happened to me, and did, but with a little help from friends. I had to decide that there is no virtue to being miserable...I wouldn't be a martyr...that wouldn't get me to happiness, so I had to tell myself that I wouldn't allow myself to wallow in misery, or allow my ex to make me do so.

Calm and peaceful....that was SO DIFFERENT than when I was with my ex. The problem was, when there was calm with my ex, it was the prelude to something bad...just the calm before the storm. Now, I had to learn that calm was normal, and calm and peaceful preceded more of the same, but, darn, it was hard to get used to. I have to say if I was calm and peaceful for a while, I would begin to obsess about my ex...I would "borrow trouble", as my friend used to say. It was what I had learned living with a narcissist.

Now, a good day is not wrecked by a bad day following...it's just good days every day, but it took time. I had to learn not to wreck my own good days by constantly thinking about my ex...going over and over in my mind the things she did and said...and was still doing and saying.

I had a friend who pointed out how often I interjected her into the conversation, indicating I was obsessing. She was right. I had to learn to gently nudge her out of my mind and come to the present moment, and just live.

I had to learn again how to live every day without narcissistic abuse in my life...how NOT to be miserable, or have drama, or confusion. Strangely, I had to learn to have good feelings which weren't followed by bad feelings, as had been the cycle. Since I met my wife, the worst day I have is far better than my best day with my NarcX.

And, I had to learn not to criticize myself for the fact that my ex WOULD come back into my mind again and again....I would just nudge the thought out and go on. I had the thought that if I was recovering from narcissistic abuse that this wouldn't be happening, but that's not true. It will, and it does, and that's OK.

I think I felt ashamed that I was still obsessing about the abusive days, but that was of no help to me. I had to accept myself the way I was, with this problem too, to come to peace within myself and so, learn to grow and change.

And, yes, it was two steps forward and one step back, and that's OK too. It's the way recovery happens. We regress sometimes....but that's just the process of learning about ourselves and growing. It's OK...and you can accept that about yourself, too.

Otherwise, we can fall into the trap of thinking we have to recover PERFECTLY, which isn't possible. We will have as many problems as we have along the way, and that's OK...it's the process. It's not perfectly recovering that we want, but acceptance of who we are, the way we are.

It's knowing that it's alright, and we're alright, just the way we are, with these imperfections....and that we ARE recovering in our own way and in our own time.

Jekyll and Hyde Narcissist...the long term effects

AFTER THE HONEY MOON, LOVE BOMBING PHASE...here comes the Jekyll and Hyde personality...what happens when you stay with an abusive narcissist over time? I did, as did my now wife, so here's what we found out:

By Honey Moon period I mean what happens when you first meet someone and are just getting to know them, and that period of time right afterwards....but before you realize that he/she has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Or perhaps after the person cheated, or hurt you terribly, begged forgiveness, and you forgave them....so things became great for a while. Sex is the best ever.....but, OH NO, they start back into behaviors that hurt again and again.

I am going to discuss a particular type of dysfunctional narcissist that often gets his/her hooks into us emotionally, and because of this Jekyll and Hyde personality, we go through cycles of horrible times and make up times. I'm going to talk about what they are like. I know there are a lot of people on this page who will recognize this kind of person.

When you meet someone, or you go through a make up period, your brain chemistry gets flooded with chemicals that make you feel great...but, chemicals are not tools for thinking about whether something is a good idea or not, so, when we do what makes us feel good at the moment, no wonder things go so wrong.

I'll skip over the good feelings of meeting and making up and go right for the problems. What I say here applies equally to both men and women, though for convenience I may use only one gender, usually the man.

So, after the honeymoon after meeting or making up, now he/she is Jekyll and Hyde...suddenly, here comes unexpected anger, or other behavior that should cause you a lot of concern...but the problem is that although the alarm bells should be going off, they don't. The red flags are obvious, but you decide to overlook them. How does that happen?

YOU RATIONALIZE......this is a word you should know. It means when we see something we know is wrong or bad or upsetting or should be alarming, we smooth over our own feelings by making up reasons for the behavior that make it seem not so bad, or even good. But, changing the label on a bottle of poison so that it reads “strawberry jam” doesn't make it less poisonous.

I've found a lot of rationalizers play a good game of “yes, but”. Yes, he/she blows up and I get scared, but he had a very bad childhood. Yes, he uses drugs/alcohol, but he's under a lot of stress. And so forth. This sort of rationalization leads you down the wrong path to a dead end.

I'm not talking about someone, for instance, who is a good, kind person, and has a bad day, so loses his temper, and apologizes for his behavior. That's normal. However, this Jekyll and Hyde personality is not remorseful, and in fact, will likely blame you, or justify what they did, or come up with excuses. Or, they apologize, but do it again and again. You are in trouble if this is happening.

Rationalization gets to be serious when you are in a dysfunctional, narcissistic marriage/long term relationship because you will tend to do it more and more , as more and more bad things occur. His excuses, plus your excuses for him should wear thin, but they don't, so you stay when you should go.

You become aware that the person has a dark side, but if you rationalize you will say that this is not “the real him/her”, and perhaps decide that if you just love them more you can change them/fix them. But, you can't. Perhaps they are financially irresponsible, or are a cheater, or a liar, or unstable, or engages in substance abuse, or....or any other thing, that when it happens, it is like a different person. The key here is that IT ISN'T A DIFFERENT PERSON.....it's the way he/she really is when not on their best behavior. It's their personality, not a one off problem.

This kind of person has you constantly up and down, happy and unhappy, like a teeter totter or like being on a ferris wheel, going up and then down. This creates a huge amount of anxiety in you because you are walking on egg shells and you never know what will happen next to set him/her off, or he/she will do it again. It can affect your sleep, physical, and mental health as well. The thing is, when you excuse this behavior in them, you set yourself up for the next “hit”. I often say that dysfunctional people get their hooks into us, but in truth, we put the hooks in ourselves and keep them there.

Now, Jekyll and Hyde may apologize afterward, it's true, but unlike a normal person, this doesn't stop it from happening again. It just INITIATES THE HONEY MOON PERIOD again, which will be followed by another incident.

YOU FOCUS ON HIS “POTENTIAL” rather than what's actually happening...this is an example of making excuses/rationalizing for Jekyll and Hyde, and probably worse, you might agree with him/her and blame yourself for the problem. Now you are in full blown co-dependency because you decide you can control his behavior if you just do this, or don't do that. But you can't, and it's a trap.

YOU EXCUSE HIS ABUSIVE CRITICISM, OVERT OR IMPLIED. Jekyll and Hyde people can be incredibly critical and abusive, alternating with being Mr. Nice. My wife says of her ex husband that she was always sort of a roving target for his negative comments, which came out of no where. Implied criticism comes with looks on his/her face, acting disgusted, disappointed in you, and other such acts.

YOU THINK THAT IF YOU LISTEN CLOSE ENOUGH YOU CAN LEARN TO DO WHAT HE/SHE WANTS, and so have a good relationship. By this time, you have lost all perspective, and are tolerating things you should never tolerate. Instead of putting the responsibility on him/her, you have put it on yourself. He blames you and you blame you, so you agree on something, at least.

HE HAS YOU THINKING YOU NEED TO BE PERFECT. This follows from the criticism above, and is another toxic element.

YOU WISH YOU COULD SOMEHOW READ HIS/HER MIND so could avoid the problem in some way....or if you could just anticipate what he/she needs and wants, etc. This is co-dependency, because you are not taking care of yourself and your needs are forgotten. If he/she has been saying things that are more or less, “You should have....”, and you know that you couldn't have known or anticipated this, and that it's unreasonable to expect this.....good, you have realized that he/she is manipulating and abusing you.

HE EXPECTS CONSTANT ADMIRATION and demonstrations of approval and gets angry or upset when he/she doesn't get it, then your Jekyll and Hyde person is certainly a Narcissist.

HE/SHE EXPECTS YOU TO PROTECT THEM FROM ALL LIFE'S DISAPPOINTMENTS and is very angry when you can't....it's not possible.

HE/SHE ENGAGES IN SPLITTING...that is, idealizing you, and then demonizing you. Humans don't usually live up to some far fetched ideal, so when you don't, he/she attacks you verbally and/or nonverbally. One thing I could never get through to my ex wife about people, is that you have to be reasonable in your expectations, but Jekyll and Hyde people expect you to meet their expectations and make you pay the price when you don't.

If any of the above sounds familiar, you are dealing with a very disturbed, highly narcissistic person with whom you won't be happy. You'll notice that it's really all about them, and if they can get you to buy into that and make it all about them, and leave your own reasonable needs behind, they will. If you have been doing so, time to rethink.

WORDS YOU SHOULD KNOW: REFRAMING

DO YOU MAKE EXCUSES FOR THE NARCISSIST'S BEHAVIOR?

DOES THE NARCISSIST? TOLERATING ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR BY REFRAMING....

This can be especially true around the holidays, but, really, it is can become a co-dependent habit in a victim. The narcissist loses their temper...you reframe... that they are just a sensitive person.

You told him that you needed more attention and more affection, and positive feedback...his reframing: you're too needy.

He's gone an unusual amount of time...he hides is phone...closes his computer when he comes into the room. It looks like cheating....she reframes like this...he just needs his space. If she gives him his space, he'll be grateful and love her more.

The narcissist slaps you while screaming at you...you reframe it as "At least the N didn't use a fist/weapon because they love me."

You work hard to keep the house clean but the narcissist doesn't help with the house or kids but engages in their hobbies instead....you reframe it as "this is how the N relaxes".

The narcissist neglects the kids and breaks promises, and the children's feeling are hurt...they feel unloved...you reframe by explaining to them that the this is the way the N loves them.

The narcissist complains about your body or your appearance....instead of realizing that the narc is being abusive, you begin a weight loss program and exercise.

No only do victims of narcissists reframe their present reality, they reframe the PAST, making excuses for past bad behavior by reinterpreting the behavior as less culpable. "He/she was younger then." "We were going though a bad time."

A narcissist can reframe by saying that people who object to the domineering behavior are "just jealous", or that the N is far smarter than the critics, or some personal attack.

Constant and intense reframing is a form of brainwashing as the narcissist reframes over and over, so as to demean and belittle you, to degrade and dominate you. Isolating you can be reframed as, "I miss you so much when you're not here." Your quite normal friends are reframed as "sluts and whores". You dress up and the N says..."are you going to wear THAT?", reframing you into having bad taste in clothing.

The narcissists engages in a horrible bout of verbal abuse, which makes you cry, and you ask how the N could do that...and it gets reframed as "you're lucky I put up with you. No one else would."

If this WAS you, thank God you got away. If it IS you, consider making a carefully thought out plan to leave once and for all. You might ask a counselor and a domestic violence shelter for advice.

HOLIDAYS AND CELEBRATIONS..AVOIDING CONTACT WITH THE NARCISSIST

IF YOU HAVE TO BE AROUND A NARCISSIST, DO THIS.....at holidays and special occasions, you may be in the same place as a narcissist, especially if you have grown kids and grandkids. We are at birthdays for our grandkids at the same time as the narcissist. Here are our rules, from hard experience:

1. STAY AWAY...stay across the room and if the narcissist starts toward you, move away and make it plain that this is unwanted.

2. COMMUNICATE YOUR BOUNDARIES to your children and to the narcissist...use email with the narc. Enforce these boundaries invariably and never allow the narcissist or one of their flying monkeys to push you into removing a boundary.

3. IF YOU SIT, SIT AWAY FROM THE NARCISSIST AND ANY FLYING MONKEY...never be drawn into a conversation with or about the narcissist or the narcissist's life.

4. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE NARCISSIST...in fact, look the other way. This is a clear rejection of the narcissist and any hoovering attempts the narcissist might want to make.

5. IF THE NARCISSIST "AMBUSHES YOU" walk away. Example, you turn around, and the narcissist is right behind you, and speaks to you. Don't communicate in any way. Just calmly go speak to someone else.

6. NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SPOKEN TO ONE ON ONE by the narcissist. The narcissist may try charm, sentimentality, or any other means to talk to you by yourself, away from others. NEVER permit this for any reason. This is a clear hoover attempt, and never permit any form of hoover.

7. EXCUSE YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE TO with an excuse if the narcissist or their flying monkeys get aggressive in pushing contact on you.

We do not permit holiday celebrations with the narcissist. The narcissist can have their time, and we our time. A child's birthday party is different, and we have found these rules to work.

Needless to say, the narcissist and their flying monkeys have tried repeatedly to break these down, without success...so now, the attempts are rare and tend to be more subtle, but are always rebuffed. Don't be afraid to show anger at these attempts. We don't disrupt the event, but we make our feelings known later.

NARCISSIST'S BRAINS DIFFERENT, SAYS SCIENCE

WHY NARCISSISTS DON'T GET BETTER...SCIENCE SHOWS THAT THEIR BRAINS ARE DIFFERENT....narcissists are deficient in the brain in areas that support empathy and compassion. They can be crafty and exhibit strategies that are incredibly damaging to their victims, and no amount of therapy will work, and no matter how long you stay, or how much you love them, will turn them into a normal, kind, decent person. All you can do IS TO GET FAR AWAY AND STAY FAR AWAY FROM A NARCISSIST. Read this:

A far-reaching disorder of the self-esteem is denoted as a narcissistic personality disorder. Persons with pathological narcissism on the one hand suffer from feelings of inferiority, while on the other hand projecting themselves to the world as arrogant, disparaging and self-absorbed.

One of the key features of a narcissistic personality disorder is the lack of empathy. Although patients suffering from such a disorder are well able to recognize what other persons feel, think and intent, they display little compassion.

In this study, the team of scientists led by Privatdozent Dr. Stefan Röpke from the Charité Department of Psychiatry and Director of the personality disorders working group, have for the first time demonstrated the structural correlate of this deficit. They analyzed a total of 34 test subjects, of which 17 suffered from a narcissistic personality disorder.

By means of various tests, the researchers had already revealed in a preliminary study that these patients actually exhibit a deficit of the ability to empathize. Using magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) methods, the scientists measured the thickness of the patients' cerebral cortex. The cerebral cortex forms the external nerve cell layer of the brain.

The findings revealed that those subjects suffering from narcissistic personality disorder exhibited structural abnormalities in precisely that region of the brain, which is involved in the processing and generation of compassion. For patients with narcissism, this region of the cerebral cortex was markedly reduced in thickness compared to the control group.

"Our data shows that the amount of empathy is directly correlated to the volume of gray brain matter of the corresponding cortical representation in the insular region, and that the patients with narcissism exhibit a structural deficit in exactly this area," states Dr. Röpke, commenting on the findings. "Building on this initial structural data, we are currently attempting to use functional imaging (fMRI) to understand better how the brains of patients with narcissistic personality disorder work."

THAT IS THE SCIENCE OF NARCOPATHS...

What remains to be understood is whether someone's brain is like this from early childhood, or becomes this way over time, and if so, why. It has been known for some time, from PET scans, that the brains of narcissists and sociopaths FUNCTION differently, that is, the areas of the brain that function for empathy and compassion don't function normally in these people. This study tends to show that the reason for this is that their brains are structurally different...i.e., they have a "different brain type" if you will, so once you discover this, it would be predictable that they would leave a line of victims in their wake over their lifetime. Can anything, other than to stay away from them, be done? Unknown. One thing I do know...ordinary people, who are "givers" and empaths need to find relationships with people like themselves. The real problem is that narcopaths IMITATE the rest of us very well..that is, they know what is expected of them and are able, if they wished, to conform their behavior to social expectations, but they don't want to. They delight in abusiveness and manipulation, and love, in the sense you and I mean it, is not possible for them, it would seem.

5 BIG RED FLAGS YOU MIGHT MISS...

HOT BUTTON ISSUES WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW....you may have read the signs someone is a narcissist, but let me tell you a few things that can be a HUGE red flag....from my experience and the experience of others.

1. Overt the top with religiousness....especially if they know or believe you are religious or spiritual. The idea is that being religious, or "Godly" means they are particularly trustworthy and moral. Oh, how I wish that were true. My NarcX simply found out my religious views and "mirrored" them back to me. Be careful of this one, even if the person regularly attends services. DO NOT assume that they are sincere, even if they have the support of their religious leader or congregation. Narcissists often do.

2. The person goes out of their way to describe themselves as being the embodiment of virtue. Look, we all have flaws and faults. Worse, the person tells YOU that you are perfect. No, you aren't, and you know that. This is typical of the "idealization phase" of the narcissistic relationship, in which the love bombing occurs.

3. They claim to have advanced educational degrees or extraordinary accomplishments...they are an engineer...they were a Navy seal and won heroic medals....they know important people...etc. My wife made me show her my degree, my transcripts, my military records, and the like...and this is very smart, and exactly what she should have done. This is a "no excuses" situation...put up, or shut up. I wasn't offended and no good person will be because they understand the reason for the request.

4. They claim they are accomplished professionals. Narcopaths can go to extraordinary measures to make it seem as though they are exactly that, and generally, they will say they are in a high paying profession. Once narc who said he was the president of a corporation actually took the woman into his office on the weekend...except the was the janitor. One man who wore a physicians white coat and drove an expensive car, took the victim to his beautiful home, except he was the keeper and maintenance person for the doctor, not the doctor.

5. They have a tragic past. They are widows or widowers, or the victim of a horrible, lying, cheating ex...they are so hurt, so broken, that they virtually beg to be rescued and mended. Except it isn't true, but it's a highly effective strategy.

How about you? What have you noticed as BIG RED FLAGS that you may be with a narcissist? Let us know, below.