MY 21 YEAR HELL

By Elizabeth Milton 

 

I was perfect for him and everything he wanted in a wife. I had the perfect body and hair. He could hardly keep his hands off me. I was the one he had vowed to wait for. He listened attentively as I gave him every detail of my difficult childhood, my hopes, and my dreams. It was as if he could read my mind and know what I wanted in a man. 

 

I wanted a Christmas wedding and he didn’t want to wait another year so we married 13 months after we met. I saw some problems. He sometimes didn’t keep planned dates, he lost his temper over minor things and he had a knack for needing to have talks with his ex. But he was so charming and always had an explanation for everything. 

 

When he asked my parents for my hand in marriage he told me they had told him I would be hard to live with. I now know he used this lie to isolate me from them and manipulate me. Later, I discovered that our first date was a deception and the first manipulation he involved me in was a triangulation between me and his ex during our dating and engagement. 

 

For a period of time he was a visitation pastor in a large church. He often sat with the sick and dying and comforted them and their families. He was viewed as the most compassionate of men and often was requested to speak at funerals.

At home it was another matter. When I miscarried, went through childbirth, or during times when I was sick and had sick children to care for he didn’t seem to care for me like he cared for others. There was the time I hemorrhaged after the birth of our third child and he was angry with me for calling his cell too often. I should have gotten someone else to take me to the hospital. 

 

Or the time I passed out and he left me covered with a blanket, lying on the floor, under the care of our three children under 8, because he couldn’t be late for work. When I was sick I could care for myself. I did not understand where my attentive man went. 

 

By our sixth anniversary he had begun his first affair. It lasted almost two years. With this began the first notable gas-lighting and projection. When I caught them at our home together he set into motion a massive manipulation that spanned three years. 

 

No less than 5 respected and well educated men were drawn into covering for him. All believed they were very good at discerning truth form lie and they all believed he was truthful. They were convinced of his innocence and praised his candor and vulnerability. 

 

I was sick with self-doubt. Why couldn’t I just trust him the way they did? Didn’t my parents tell him I‘d be hard to live with?

 

His second affair started just a year after the first ended. When he decided to end it he stole money from our tiny church and gave it to his mistress. He then concocted a detailed story of how he had intended to take the money to the bank, but lost it on his way. He even went out for hours pretending to look for it. He personally contacted and gave tearful confessions to every man in leadership over him. They all believed him and thanked him for his honesty and insisted he didn’t need to pay the church back. 

 

The visits to prostitutes started around this time. I knew something was going on, but his constant gas-lighting and projection had me convinced that I was imagining things and losing my mind. He came clean about all of his sexual indiscretions only after contracting a STD. 

 

I was crushed in a way only a victim of narcissistic abuse could understand. Being a woman of faith, I offered him a second chance (even though the church offered to support me if I chose divorce). He was weak, he said, he had been led astray by unscrupulous women, and he was desperate to prove his love for me and the kids. 

 

He went to a counsellor for most of a year and was able to convince him of his reformation. He had weekly meetings with a mentor and pastor who both became convinced that he had changed. He was congratulated for how he was able to overcome his weaknesses. He was treated like a rock star. 

 

He was love bombing me at an incredible level. I was taken with him all over again. But his at home behavior wasn’t quite the same as his public behavior. I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on. I was too lost in nightmares, pain, deepening depression, and suicidal thoughts all mingled with the feelings of being freshly in-love. 

 

And he was so changed and good. Weren’t my messed up emotions proof that I was a major contributor to our problems? 

 

Once our reconciliation and vow renewal had happened and his time of counselling was finished, he wanted to move. He chose a piece of property hours away from any family and friends. He would have a fresh start where no one would know us. He began breaking promises almost immediately. 

 

We built a little dream house and within a year of moving there he had attached himself to a respected businessman. Within three years he had convinced the man to sell us his business and train him to run it. Everyone began to refer to my husband as the son this man had never had. He became well known in town, really all over the county. 

 

Everywhere I went I met women who told me I had a real catch. He became at least two different men. There was the man we had at home and the man the public saw. 

 

In the last two years signs of infidelity began to reappear. My every suspicion was dismissed as me being untrusting and unreasonable, even with physical evidence. I had constant pain, often cried in the closet to hide my tears from the children, and hardly slept at night. 

 

Once, when I felt suicidal, I asked him to take his loaded pistols to his office or lock up the ammo. The next day his loaded .45 lay on the night stand as usual and his .357 was still hidden in a stack of my clothes. I fought the urge to believe he had done it on purpose. How could a man who loved his perfect match do something like that? 

 

He regularly switched from love bombing to cold disinterest. I never knew what I was getting. Eventually the only communication I got was icy, black eyed glares. Nothing I did met with his approval. 

 

He even began to ignore the children. Nothing they did was quite right and none of their interests were worth his time. Our more intuitive daughter started to pull out her hair. He said I was driving her to do it. That she didn’t need therapy. That I just needed to leave her alone. 

 

I was sure I was going crazy. And now I was driving my children crazy as well.

He walked out last winter, but not before beginning his smear campaign. In the days before he left I confessed to everything he accused me of. I begged and promised I get help so that I’d be easier to live with. I pleaded for him to not break up our home. He remained untouched. 

 

I had ruined his life, he said. He had never really loved me to begin with. He let our pastor know I would be coming in desperate need of therapy and that I was crazy and abusing the children. He then began to spread it to other men. He claimed he had suffered years trying to prove his love to me and I just never was satisfied. 

 

No one could have known what really went on between us or in our home, because he pretended to be an attentive father and a head over heels in love husband when he was out in public. Everyone who heard we separated was shocked. 

 

Thankfully, some of the men he tried to recruit as flying monkeys didn’t fall for his tale. They came along side of me and listened to me and began to help me understand that I needed a lawyer and fast. 

 

Our pastor encouraged me to not have any contact with my husband, because he felt he might become violent. So I started with no contact right away. My mental and physical health immediately began to improve. I feel better now than I have in a decade. 

 

After a talk with a friend I was encouraged to see a counsellor who introduced me to narcissism and narcissistic emotional abuse. For the first time I feel like I’m not the crazy, at fault person in the relationship. 

 

Five months into no/minimal contact and I am completely changed. People I’ve known for seven years say they feel they are just beginning to know the real me. I am reconnecting to family and friends. I’m discovering who I am. 

 

His leaving and our divorce is the best gift he has given me. My faith has returned as have more open relationships with people who genuinely care and are full of truth. 

 

That is all I need in this world.

The Stages of ?

The Stages of Recovery From ?

It has been quite a road. A road which I still travel. I don't know if anyone ever reaches the end. So what is it for me?

Grief?

Loss?

Abuse?

Betrayal?

None of those words fit for me...or maybe it is that that more than one do?

Grief and loss do not really fit in my situation. 

I experienced "grief" years ago. 

Grief : deep sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, heartache, heartbreak, agony, suffering, woe, dejection, despair

I LIVED with those things for too many years to count. DURING the relationship but not after it. My life was hijacked, my mind was twisted, my faith trampled, my children abused, my views distorted, my soul stolen, my sanity questioned, my support system corrupted, my self-esteem crushed and my self-assuredness demolished. THAT was the grief...this was NOT grief. 

^^^^^

Loss- the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value.

No...does not fit. What I lost was not of value and I was well aware of that.

^^^^^

Betrayal- to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty.

CERTAINLY, there was betrayal, but that betrayal was not NEW and, truth be known, I was already aware of it. Replacement with another woman was the LEAST profound of the betrayal that I experienced. I slept next to the betrayer for YEARS, in the knowledge that he was betraying me. What could be WORSE than that? 

Certainly an end to that betrayal was MUCH preferable.

^^^^^

Abuse- cruel, malicious and/or violent treatment of a person or animal.

This was happening all along. THIS meant the end of abuse not the beginning.

SO THEN, from WHAT am I recovering?

I have been thinking about it for a long time. I think that if any of those things were more true, this might be easier for me to understand. 

But I do not grieve or feel a loss. I have never wished, for one MOMENT to return to what was. I glory in my escape with my life and my sanity.

I glory in my freedom and the freedom of my children.

In my opinion, I am trying to recover from many, many years of deliberate psychological manipulation, brainwashing and gaslighting. 

I struggle with recovery from the instilled belief that I may be insane, my perceptions incorrect, being told that the world does NOT exist as I see it. 

I struggle with recovery from the instilled belief that even things I ALWAYS thought I could be certain of...the trust of family members, my intelligence, my strength, my stubborn nature, the love of my children, the way others perceived me, the belief that I was trusted, believed, respected...might not have been as certain as I thought. 

I struggle with recovery from the knowledge that there ARE people such as these people. This knowledge has changed EVERYTHING...everything about how I see, how I think, how I behave.

I struggle to deal with how very easily, they are able to fool others...to turn them...to convince them...to ruin them...to control them and to recruit them into doing EVIL things with only their mind control. 

AND I struggle with the fact that they do this without an ounce of regret, guilt or shame but with the true belief that they have every right to do so...and the knowledge that they enjoy it.

I never miss him, I never grieve for what was, I never have memories of the "good times" and I never wonder "What if?" Those things were completely erased, and all questions answered, the day that mask was removed and I saw, with clear horror, that I lived in total ignorance of what slept in my bed for 18 years.

From that day to this one...I have no desire to be in contact with him, hear his voice, see him or even be aware of his existence. 

What I am trying to recover is not FROM anything...I am simply trying to recover what I was BEFORE I was unfortunate enough to meet him.

So, if you will excuse the profanity...I am recovering from a giant, colossal, life changing mind-f*ck. 

I KNOW that I will never see anything as I did before...because you cannot UNKNOW the truth.

One thing is for certain...while I may never be quite the same...I can spot the signs of their disease in a heartbeat now. It will never happen again, of that I am certain.

I am ALIVE, growing, rediscovering what made me "me" and I will never go back to being spiritually dead. 

It is now someone else's turn to learn that horrible secret.

My Name is Forrest....

I was reminded of this by a friend. 

I found this so profound and felt it was so true, I wanted to share everywhere I share ...

I had a therapist give me an analogy of "Forrest Gump" that really was quite interesting. 

She said it is one thing that explains why many people were so captivated by that movie and the characters. 

Made a great deal of sense to me. 

Forrest, although obviously not extremely intelligent, was PURELY innocent and completely accepting. He saw no bad in others, read nothing into their motivations. 

He was very truthful and never afraid to do what he felt was right. He ran when he wanted, stopped when he wanted. 

He did not feel above any job or task and he worked hard, but he never worried about the future. 

He cared for everyone and accepted them just as they were. 

He was self-possessed. He did not care what people thought of him and he internalized nothing that anyone said to him, and yet he remained kind and he was always happy. 

He did not run from his troubles and he only fought when he felt he had to. 

Jennie represented our instinct to FLEE and Captain Dan represented our instinct to FIGHT. Those are the defences they used to cope with the world...and they were miserable. 

It was very easy to understand WHY they used these defenses as they had both endured great trauma. Both felt that Forrest was non-reactive because he was "damaged" and, although they both cared for him, they rejected him over and over. They felt that he was too innocent and too "damaged" to understand their positions and that this is why he remained the way he was.  

Eventually, and with consistency, Forrest was able to help them break through their defences and learn acceptance. 

In the end, once they stopped "Fighting and Fleeing" they found happiness as well. (Although Jenny did not have happiness for very long.) 

Forrest did NOT completely abandon his rights or himself. If it was appropriate (and needed) he would flee or he would fight. He was NOT a doormat.

In short, he was the perfect human being, with perfect boundaries and no need to desire to alter the boundaries of other people...despite the fact that MUCH of the world saw ONLY his "handicap". His handicap became a gift to all those he touched.

This did not keep tragedy from touching his life, and it did not protect him from all pain...but it made him able to accept the pain, work through it, and move forward.

Her take on it is that we need to fight against what our minds (those of us with the "curse" of normal/high intelligence) tell us and attempt to think

"What would Forrest do?"

The Narcissist Test

We ALL have narcissistic tendencies.....we hear it all the time. That is true if you are talking about the fact that we all need self-love and boundaries in order to survive. Without those things, we are likely to be unable to cope with life on a daily basis.

The only thing I beg to differ with about that statement is that there is a difference between acting narcissistically on occasion and BEING a NARCISSIST.

If we choose what is best for US we may see that as being selfish...but a TRUE narcissist behaves that way at all times. They never do anything else...unless they are attempting to gain something from appearing to be selfless.

I MY opinion...the two DEFINING characteristics of a truly NARCISSISTIC/Predatory individual are:

• Lack of true empathy 

and

• The absolute inability to internalize responsibility, blame or guilt

Now, I am not a psychologist or a mental health professional and I speak in terms of the N/S/P with whom I dealt. I am lucky enough to have dodged all but ONE in my lifetime (too bad my luck did not hold out).

No one knows better than we do that the predator can, and will, FAKE these attributes from time to time...but only for a PURPOSE. If you completely disregard the WORDS THEY SAY and watch their actions...it becomes crystal clear that they do not comprehend either of these things.

The abuser I dealt with was the VERY DEFINITION of a Covert, Socialized, Narcissistic, Sociopath.

Those who are currently in his "favor" would dispute this, of course...just as I WOULD HAVE when I was under his spell.

No matter....it is what it is...and it IS their turn to ride the roller coaster to Hell. My ride is over and I paid for my ticket.

The true topic of this post is that I have a very specific method that I will use, going forward, if I should EVER decide that I might want to try getting into another relationship.

No matter how fooled I was, no matter how much I tried to give him the benefit of every doubt. No matter how much he "love bombed" and "brain washed" me...and no matter how many RED FLAGS waved in the air that I CHOSE to ignore...the TRUTH is this.

Not ONCE in 20 yrs, did he ever admit being wrong about ANYTHING. Not just in OUR relationship but in his life in general. 

NOT ONCE.

Not ONCE did he express feeling GUILTY 

or say "I wish I had not done that" 

or "I guess maybe she was having a bad day and I likely over-reacted"

or "I really need to work on being more patient"

or "Maybe I did not make myself clear"

or "Maybe I should go talk to him because I might have misunderstood"

or "I got angry when I really shouldn't have"

or even "I really do not take criticism very well"

NOT A SINGLE TIME. 

He was the most self-assured, rigid, judgmental, absolutely CONFIDENT person I had ever met. 

He had NO ABILITY to see things from a different point of view...no sympathy for the "errors" of others...had absolutely no CONCEPT that any view or opinion could have merit accept for his own. 

This did not change AFTER the honeymoon, love bombing period. This is just what he is, what he always was and all he knows how to ever be. I now know this to be a VERY BIG red flag.

So, for me, I will ask one question of anyone I ever even THINK about getting involved with. For ME, this is the question that will tell me what I need to know.

"Thinking back on your life, what is one wrong think you have done to hurt someone else that you have felt guilt about since that time and that you wish you could go back and undo?"

Yes, indeed, some of them might be able to think up some lie/story pretty quick...but if they are truly covert predators, lacking all guilt and empathy, you can bet the story will likely come with a "but I did it because..." or "I wouldn't have done it if..." At least in the case of  a predator such as the one I dealt with. Likely they will have to think long and hard to try to manipulate things to make themselves appear to be the victim in some way.

I can think of at least three things, off the top of my head, just in my teens and 20's alone. 

I lay you odds that the predator I dealt with would be speechless...

Could be worse...could be like them....

This is so true. 
While I do not feel sorry for the abuser, because I see the damage he has done to others (ESPECIALLY the children)...
I remain grateful that I am NOT LIKE him...

• I have empathy...
• I feel pity...
• I am imperfect and I can SEE THAT. 
• I have family that loves me and whom I love. 
• I can make the BIGGEST MISTAKE in the world and that will not change. 
• I do not have to remember whether A is talking to B this week...or whether B is talking to C. 
• I do not have to manipulate, or PAY, to get my children to do something I want done...I only have to ask. 
• I do not have to wonder where my money will come from because I am willing to work.
• I do not have to argue with my children to sway them to my opinions and I do not have to lie to alter their perception of me. 
• When they look back they will see that I never abandoned them or let them wear the same clothes 5 days in a row because I refused to buy them any. 
• They will never be able to look back at me and call me a hypocrite or remember that I took them on dates with a man while I was still married...
• They will never be able to look back and remember a SINGLE lie I ever knowingly told them. 
• They may look back and see that I have made mistakes but they will know that I never purposely harmed them. 
• I do not have to demand, or punish, them into respecting me. 
• I do not have to worry that the IRS will catch up with me. 
• My children will never look back and see that I denied them anything they needed simply because I had better things to spend my money on. 
• My children may look back and remember occasional anger in my eyes and screams on my lips but they will never remember those things without also seeing the tears in my eyes and hearing me apologize to them for losing control. 
• My children will never look back and remember days when I was PLAYING and chose not to be there...
• They may remember that I worked a great deal but they will also remember that my closet was never full of new clothes, I never had the very latest I-Phone in my purse, I never bought myself "toys" and then claimed to have no money to buy them shoes. 
• My children will never look back and remember me throwing them out of my house, saying I no longer wanted to be their Mother or abandoning them. 
• My children will never remember a SINGLE TIME when I denied them a hamburger because someone else (who is more important) might feel left out if they eat without them. 
• My children will never remember a time when they had to lower their voices because I was outside their door listening...or hide their phones because I might go through their text messages. 
• My children will remember that I trusted EACH of them enough to lend them my ATM card...shared my passwords...left money laying out without fear that it would be taken... 

YEP....there are things to be grateful for....

"What do YOU like or want?" A question that exposes damage...

I have stated before that I have had many THOUSANDS of hours of therapy over the last 23 years.
I was quite disappointed to learn that, while I HAVE made some strides...the core issue remains.... or PERHAPS the more accurate statement is that any strides I had made in this area have been obliterated.

23 years ago, my first real therapist asked me several questions...

"If you could travel any place in the world, where would you go?"
"If you could do anything that you wanted, what would it be?"
"What do you enjoy?"
"What do you consider fun?"

I sat looking at her without any answers. I could answer those questions about OTHERS. I knew what others (family members, my husband)  enjoyed. I knew their dreams and hopes. Looking inside, however, I could not tell her anything about ME.

I am not saying I NEVER enjoyed anything...I did, occasionally, enjoy an activity or a task. This enjoyment was always "accidental". For example, about 10 years ago, I discovered that I was very good at party planning. On several occasions I planned, catered and hosted several large scale parties in my home.

The thing is, I always did this for another reason. Because I was ASKED to by my, then, husband....or for business contacts..etc etc. Never once did I just decide that I wanted to throw a party and then do so.

I will state that this is NOT a problem that began in my abusive marriage...and I do NOT believe it is an issue of "Depression". I have EXPERIENCED major depression and I believe I know the difference. Medications did help me when I was actually "depressed"...but medications cannot cure some things.

Medication cannot cure the fact that, in many ways, I do not exist at all. For whatever reason, even as a child, I was so concerned with focusing on OTHERS that I never allowed myself to do anything else. I became a caretaker...a codependent. I had started to work on this when I came upon the ultimate "project"...the EK. For 18 years I lived FOR HIM and THROUGH him and (if I HAD started to build a "self") all progress on "me" was blown away.

At FIRST, his HAPPINESS was my only goal and concern. Over the years it evolved into a, much less pleasant, "his satisfaction was my only goal and concern" and then, over the last years, it became a nightmare of "keeping him from being angry was my only goal and concern".

Unlike the times of my childhood, when I simply wanted to please other people...when I was trying to gain their love and approval (which I did not FEEL I had but that I likely already had most of the time)...
In those last years it was no longer trying to please, it was a matter of PROTECTION from the consequences of NOT pleasing him. Consequences paid by my children and myself continually over many years.  NOTHING pleased him but not because I did not try.

So, now, I have been asked the question again "What do you want?""What do you enjoy?""What do you do that is fun?"

Rather than being closer to an answer than I was 23 years ago...I am even further in the dark.
When I was asked that 23 years ago, I TRULY felt that there MUST be someone inside me with dreams and hopes...with desires and preferences...and that I WOULD find her.

Now, after living the way I have lived for so VERY LONG I have come to doubt that. The behavior that the young me used in an effort to secure acceptance and approval has now become much more malignant.

It has become my defense and my protection against abuse, It seems that I am truly incapable of doing ANYTHING without a REASON.

I have been away from the EK for 3 years. I no longer live for him. But I still function only for a reason.

I function, I work, I go through daily life, I BREATHE, for my children. While this may seem altruistic,  it is truly not. Perhaps, at one time, I thought it was. I see now that it isn't. I love them dearly but in many ways, they are my "life support". Their NEED for me keeps me functional and alive.

Soon, they will be grown up and gone. I WANT that for them. I WANT them to be happy and have a wonderful life. I am not disturbed enough (unlike others I know) to try to keep them tied to me forever so that I will have a reason to go on. THAT I will never allow myself to do.

Still, I wonder, what REASON I will find to function when they no longer need me. What is going to happen when I truly have "No reason to get up in the morning"

That is not their problem and I never intend to make it their problem. This problem is within me. At this point, I am unsure that it can be changed.

I find the phrase "I just have to make it until they are adults" coming up in my mind and in my conversation very frequently.

Why? Because in my world, this is like the "Mayan Calendar Countdown". The day on which my reason for existence will come to an end...when I am no longer "essential" and I become "useless". I am very aware that they love me and that this will not end when they reach adulthood...but THAT is not the issue.

Because even in the midst of that terrible time when my main function was simply to PROTECT them from as much psychological abuse as possible...it gave me a function and a reason to go through daily life. A GOAL to try to help them NOT become what he was OR what I was. Neither a machine designed only to TAKE... OR a machine designed only to GIVE.

Because that is what I see myself as. A machine that functions only because I am NEEDED...only when I have a reason to...only as long as someone is there to function FOR.

THAT is not altruism...it is not martyrdom...it is not self-sacrifice or devotion or love.

It is emptiness. It is lack of self-purpose. It is a life lived out of self guilt. It is a life where personal desires, personal preferences, enjoyment and pleasure are immaterial and have never been considered or explored. THIS is not "sacrifice for the people I love" but rather "living only to meet a need"

It is an emptiness that has NEVER been any different than it is right now. This is not new.

I am not suicidal and that would never be an option or a consideration for me.

Because that IS the case, I do not know what will happen when the day comes that I wake up and realize that I no longer have an "excuse" to function. If I have no reason to live and no desire to die... what will remain?

When I was diagnosed with cancer a while back I truly thought that this was the answer I had been given. I would survive and continue until my "assigned function" was complete and then I would cease to exist. That is not a decision for me to make.

Whether that can be changed for me, after over a half-century of living this way, I do not know.

I guess that remains to be seen. I am trying to change it but how do you change something so ingrained?

and, meanwhile, the countdown continues....

Reenactment of Childhood Trauma

 

Reenactment and Trauma

I have resumed my therapy. I had many years of therapy, mostly based around the use of substances. I have used no substances in more than 15 years now. But my work is far from over.

No one else can experience your life the way you have....and even the most "well cared-for" children suffer abuses, hide secrets, become traumatized. This does not happen only in homes that APPEAR to be chaotic....not only in homes where there is poverty, addiction, physical abuse....but in the home behind the white picket fence next door. 

This may be preaching to the CHOIR, because any one led here is likely aware that things on the OUTSIDE of the door can bear little resemblance to things that are happening on the INSIDE of it. 

Many of us have been told, throughout childhood, that it is a BETRAYAL to SPEAK of these things...some have been taught that it is a betrayal merely to have CERTAIN THOUGHTS. 

Many more of us have been taught to "intellectualize" away events by being very "understanding" of the REASONS they occurred. "You MUST understand that when Uncle Charlie tried to rape you when you were 12, it was BECAUSE  he was (enter your own excuse)". Perhaps he was drunk...or perhaps he was depressed...or perhaps he was an abused child...or perhaps HE was traumatized....

Those of us who have experienced this growing up learning that NO MATTER WHAT may have happened, or been done, to us....the perpetrator cannot be held responsible because there is was a "REASON" and we "need to understand that" and "learn to forgive" and realize that we "make mistakes too".  

So while we "learn" to "let bygones be bygones" or "stop living in the past" ...that wound festers in us. The child still cries out for someone to answer the question ...

"If it was NOT their fault then who WAS at fault?" 

Unfortunately, by covering these wounds, having them painted over, not discussed, ignored...the child inside us comes to the only conclusion that is possible...

"It MUST have been my fault!"

No matter how well the logical part of us may understand that we were NOT at fault. The child who drives our actions still believes it was.

Experts say that PTSD/CPTSD actually causes a CHANGE in our brains. It colors all that we do, every decision we make, what we feel we deserve, what we are willing to tolerate.

It can also cause us to, unconsciously, reenact traumas.

For example...

A child was abandoned (on some level) by a parent. This abandonment may not have been physical. Perhaps the parent was consumed with trying to please someone else and emotionally abandoned the child. Perhaps the child was never good enough. Perhaps the child experienced a trauma at the hands of someone else, and the parent did not believe it or did not act appropriately on this knowledge.

(I have been reminded to re-watch the "Prince of Tides" in order to understand how this will affect the grown up version of that child.)

If sexually abused, that child is much more likely to experience sexual abuse (even rape) as an adult.
If physically abused, that child is much more likely to have an abusive partner.
If abandoned, that child is much more likely to experience abandonment by a partner(s) in adult life as well.
OTHER children will react by BECOMING the rapist, the "abandoner" and the abuser.

Is that just bad luck?

No. It is all classic in "reenactment" of the trauma. This is an effort to gain CONTROL of what the child experienced but never processed...and it can come out in many different ways...but all are devastating.

Let's use an example of an 8 year old male child who was sexually molested by "Uncle Charlie". His Mother was never certain whether what he was saying was true...and she was LOATH to bring it to the attention of his Father who ADORED his only brother "Charlie". The child was told, by his Mother, that his Father might become ANGRY and punish him if he did not believe him (and this may well have been true)....and that telling anyone would "break up the family"....and that it was in the past and there was nothing to gain from telling anyone else....and that "Uncle Charlie" had been through so much, being abused as a child and being left by his wife and losing his job...etc.etc.

As a result EVERYTHING within "the family" seemed to remain unaltered....everything except that child.

Via the process of "reenactment" there are many different things he might grow up to do as a result of this trauma.

• Perhaps he will grow up and become powerless in an abusive relationship because he has learned that it is NOT OK to defend yourself or "say bad things" because doing so will result in being "abandoned" or cause other pain. This may lead him to go to ANY LENGTHS to maintain a relationship EVEN IF IT IS ABUSIVE.
• Perhaps he will grow up to have children of his own and, not trusting his own experiences, he might believe that "Uncle Charlie" has changed...and it would be "OK" to let his children spend the weekend with him...placing his own children in danger that he should KNOW EXISTS.
• Perhaps he will become involved WITH an abuser who sexually molests children...in an attempt to FIX the molester and resolve his own trauma.
• Perhaps he will grow up to BECOME the abuser and molest other peoples children...leaving that helpless victim role by becoming the perpetrator.

NONE of this is something that he makes a conscious DECISION to do...for who would become involved with a KNOWN pedophile?

But that CHILD INSIDE SEES the similarities between the prospective partner and the person who abused him as a child....the inner voice might LEAD him to be attracted to that person...because although "Uncle Charlie" hurt him...he was also very powerful...and PERHAPS if the child had done something different...or NOT done something....or handled it another way...Uncle Charlie would NOT have hurt him...because everyone he trusted told him that Uncle Charlie is a GREAT GUY!

The reasons for his continued misery may not be within his control, or within his conscious thought, but a result of actual, physical changes in his brain.

Without realization of this, the cycle often continues....

I am just beginning to see how this "reenactment" has likely altered the course of my own life. 

Now, I need to begin to heal it and prevent it from repeating in the future.

I have been paying long enough...