What IS RELIGIOUS ABUSE? (EK style)

I share a set of (now 16 yr. old) twin sons with the EK. 

The EK portrays himself as a “Fundamentalist Christian” BUT behaves in ways that completely contradict this claim. He uses his religion only when it is to his advantage…but quickly justifies his “less than Christian” behavior by telling others this HIS situation is “DIFFERENT” and that I am “SO CRAZY and SO EVIL that I FORCE him fight ME like a demon”. HE would be willing to “JUST GET ALONG” and he just “does NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I am so nasty and vengeful” and also does NOT UNDERSTAND “How I could put our son’s THROUGH THIS”

….OH…of COURSE…it is because “I lost him and I am jealous and if I had treated him right he would NEVER have thought of leaving” after all he 

“Gave it his ALL for 18 years but I was simply beyond HELP and he had no choice but to move on and create a new home for our POOR CHILDREN…a REAL HOME”.

You see…as he told our sons last year…

”He DID THIS FOR THEM!”

When the one who was more verbal called “BS” and asked EXACTLY HOW this has “benefited THEM?!” he was told, 

“Someday you will understand…you are too young to have this discussion…PARTICULARLY about your MOTHER. You just go ahead and love her and just wait…you will eventually see…that I did this for YOU! One day you will see how you’re Mother REALLY IS and you will understand that this was NOT MY FAULT”

NOW HERE IS THE KICKER!

The EK SO CONVINCED a “Church” full of people that I am, not ONLY INSANE…but that I neglect my children and that I am the DEVIL INCARNATE…that he managed to get the PASTOR to state that he 

“Needed to move on because he needed a “Godly” mate in order to become what GOD intends him to be! 

HE GOT THE PASTOR TO TELL HIM THAT HE NEEDED TO LEAVE ME! 

HE did not decide at ALL, you see, the PASTOR ADVISED HIM to give up….

HE IS IN THE CLEAR! 

NOT ONLY the PASTOR…but the PASTOR is saying that GOD HIMSELF wanted the EK to discard me so that he could MOLD him into what GOD WANTS HIM TO BE. 

LOL!

The EK does not BELIEVE in GOD (unless he believes that HE IS God)! 

I have seen him put this “mask” on THREE TIMES when he needed it to achieve his goal…. and then remove it just as suddenly.

THAT is why I do not have the aversion to Christianity that some others feel. 

I do NOT blame all religion or all Christians for the EK's DECEIT.

IMHO, it would be like dressing up a PIG as a COW and then claiming that all COWS roll in the mud… when you were ACTUALLY looking at a PIG all along! 

TOTALLY ILLOGICAL to me!

Such is the delusion of a text book, covert, charming, Sociopathic Narcissist! 

Do you see what he has done there? 

REALLY QUIT CLEVER…and EVIL….

He has, first, blamed ME for this issue….that worked on the outsiders…but not on those who SAW WHAT HAPPENED…such as my children. 

Next he switched to saying it was my “mental instability” that he could no longer deal with it and he told my children that, though they might not see it NOW…they surely would! 

Still not HIS FAULT!

Then he tried to convince the children that THEY, somehow…or Rather his DESIRE to PROTECT them…was the cause of the break-up. 

Got to give the EK CREDIT…that MIGHT have worked if the kids had been a little younger and had not seen him “drop his mask”!

THEN, finally, he was ACTUALLY able to get a PASTOR (of questionable repute and with no TRAINING at all) but who still bills himself as a PASTOR and the leader of a “Church” to VERBALLY STATE that he had NO CHOICE but to discard me”. He convinced the congregation…with the support of the Pastor (whose boots the EK licked and whose words the EK fawned over)  and the new (very well respected) Victim who is a long standing member of the congregation….that I tried to have him killed…that I am crazy…that I have threatened him…etc. etc.

Later, if needed…he can tell our children that he was “led astray” by a bad Pastor and he is ...

STILL NOT AT FAULT!

He was SET! When he FORCED our sons to go with him to the CHURCH…their discomfort was NOT due to the fact that they were witnessing totally hypocritical and ridiculous behavior by their FATHER…NOT that they had been FORCED to be there…NOT that they were EMBARRASSED by his behavior and utterly MORTIFIED at the fact they had been DRAWN INTO his two year affair by being taken on DATES with this woman…and believing she was “just a church friend”… HAD NEVER MENTIONED THIS TO ME.

OF COURSE NOT!

Their “obvious discomfort” was a sign that I WAS “filling their head full of lies”….THAT I am “ungodly” “mentally disturbed” and that I WAS “mistreating them and trying to alienate him from the LOVING CHRISTIAN MAN”.

They RALLIED around him!

Several offered to TESTIFY in court that I was an UNFIT mother based on HIS LIES. MOST had, not only, never MET ME…but they never even talked to MY SONs.

Chief offering to testify was the PASTOR!

Now, in order to make the claim that he believed, and had witnessed, that I was “unfit” he would have HAD TO SWEAR ON A BIBLE UNDER OATH TO something that he KNEW that he NEVER SAW! 

Even if he was CONVINCED it was true…to say he witnessed it was a BOLD FACED LIE….because I had been in his presence for 10 minutes in TOTAL.

The EK is TRULY, masterful at deceit and can convince others of NEARLY ANYTHING!

THE EK HAD his POWER…

.

Because not only HE said he was right…

not only his new victim and his crazy, enabling, family…

NOT ONLY THE PASTOR and congregation of his “Church”….

GOD HIMSELF KNEW that I was simply “UNACCEPTABLE” and deserved what was to come.

I DESERVED to be TOTALLY DESTROYED…

and the EK PROMISED to PERSONALLY see that I WAS destroyed!

WHY NARCISSISTS CHEAT...narcopaths cheat prolifically...here's why

What I say here applies to both sexes even if I mention only one...say a man, but it applies EQUALLY TO WOMEN.

This will explain what narcopaths are like and why they cheat, and needless to say, if either sounds familiar, you need to get far, far away from them.

All narcopaths this in common, that they USE PEOPLE like an object, for their own benefit. I've often written about the lack of empathy both have, and, well, you don't empathize with an object, do you? They don't recognize any importance to your feelings (except as they inconvenience themselves, or if you are a pain in the *ss). I have also said they treat their partners like sex toys, and that's because all people are like toys to them, to be used for their own pleasure and gratification, and disguarded without guilt.

They are after whatever makes them feel good NOW, not what's good or right. It's their own immediate gratification that's the gold standard for them, and that's YOUR purpose in life as far as they are concerned, so that's why they ruin lives, and why their values are never in line with yours, though they will con you into believing otherwise if they can.

The person you are/were with is a narcissist if he/she is something like this: They have a sense of being special, that people should recognize that, and they have a sense of entitlement to recognition and to worldly goods. Your purpose is to be a source of narcissistic supply, giving him/her what is needed, and if not, they are very disappointed/discontented, and they may get angry, upset, or passive- aggressive with you. A narcissist desperately needs to drain others of their approval and attention...which often, as we will see, leads them to cheat.

Narcopaths have the rough emotional life of a vampire, and they are like hunters, seeking who they can exploit and use, without any feelings of remorse, or any sense of ethics. Or, you might consider them to be like one of the people in the show about gold mining in Alaska....except, they are mining for what they want in people, and it has no more emotional content.

Some people mistakenly believe that narcopaths are in jail, or are killers, but that's a mistake. In fact, many are:

**Married with families

**Have extramarital/non monogamous relationships frequently, or compulsively

**They are skilled liars and manipulators, both to their spouse/SO, and to their affair partner. It's not unusual, as I said in a post about a guy I knew, for them to have the view, “My wife is married, but I'm not” when talking to same sex friends, and as I said, they may act married only when they are at home, and single when they are out and about. They may refer to their spouse as “the mother/father of my children”, and have stories about being split up from their ex but needing to live in the same house, but not sleeping with their wife. This is quite common.

**Have developed skills to evade detection, and some take extraordinary measures to avoid being caught. Never the less, some do get caught.

**If they are confronted with evidence or suspicion of cheating, whether obvious or circumstantial, they attack the person, expressing outrage, or calling the person crazy or paranoid, putting you on the defensive and never actually dealing with the problem....or they give very unsatisfactory answers that don't really work, but they demand that they be accepted with strong anger as a penalty if you don't.

Another thing I've often noted is that narcissistic cheaters have an amazing level of rationalization. Rationalization means mentally taking something you know is wrong or off base, and re-characterizing (reframing) it in a way that makes it seem much more acceptable, or even virtuous. Example: the guy I met who claimed that cheating was good for his marriage. This is an ACE rationalizer.

Narcopaths cheat because they can...they take what they want because they want them, and there is no moral issue involved as far as they are concerned. Since he recognizes no rules, there can be no violation and no wrong....the rules don't apply to him, and narcopaths are indifferent to the damage they do to innocent people.

To a narcopath, cheating is like a game where he maneuvers the woman into giving him what he wants and it has no special meaning to him, though he will do everything to make you think otherwise....they are consummate con men. You will notice that to a narcopath they are thinking by having sex with many others, “Hey, I've still got it, I'm good looking. I'm irresistible.”

All narcopaths have many things in common, as you see, but the thing that's most important is that they all wreak havoc and destruction on the lives of the innocent, and they only way to deal with them once you have discovered that they are this way is to get far, far away from them.....NO CONTACT, immediately and totally.

THE NARCISSISTIC SERIAL BULLY....explained in detail....

The narcissist is a constant bully, and this is a detailed account of what the serial bully/narc is:

*is a convincing, practiced liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment

*has a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act.

*excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive

*uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)

*is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form - but there's no substance

*is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will out maneuver most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict

*is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic

*relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a "normal" human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon

*is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly

*cannot be trusted or relied upon

*fails to fulfill commitments

*is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old

*is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy

*exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behavior and bodily functions; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse

*in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy

*holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc - prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative) but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret

*is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability

*has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion

*is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgably) about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity

*displays a compulsive need to criticize whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence

*shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water

*flits from topic to topic so that you come away feeling you've never had a proper conversation

*refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer

*is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability

*undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask

*is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them

*is quick to discredit and neutralize anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors

*may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others' resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organizations in pursuance of the vendetta

*is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account

*gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to

*is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)

*poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions

*when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression

*is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all

*often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others

*is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation

*is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty

*is mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy

*is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire

*is always a taker and never a giver

*is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)

*often fraudulently claims qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or bogus

*often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself

*knows the words but not the song

*is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication

Responsibility

The narcissistic serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behavior and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound.

LESSONS LEARNED DURING RECOVERY...the hard way...

WHAT I LEARNED AS I RECOVERED....my long, slow, difficult process...what was that like? Well, here goes:

I know what it's like to want the narcissist to just say they were wrong, but, they never will...or if they do, it will be a manipulation to get something from us.

It's good that you can have good days. Good days are very important to recovery...good days and good feelings...in fact, they will gradually become a habit if we make it so. My good day became far more plentiful when I met my now wife, especially when we began a relationship. Now, life is so different for me, but how well I can remember those difficult day of early recovery.

I had to think about what had happened to me, and did, but with a little help from friends. I had to decide that there is no virtue to being miserable...I wouldn't be a martyr...that wouldn't get me to happiness, so I had to tell myself that I wouldn't allow myself to wallow in misery, or allow my ex to make me do so.

Calm and peaceful....that was SO DIFFERENT than when I was with my ex. The problem was, when there was calm with my ex, it was the prelude to something bad...just the calm before the storm. Now, I had to learn that calm was normal, and calm and peaceful preceded more of the same, but, darn, it was hard to get used to. I have to say if I was calm and peaceful for a while, I would begin to obsess about my ex...I would "borrow trouble", as my friend used to say. It was what I had learned living with a narcissist.

Now, a good day is not wrecked by a bad day following...it's just good days every day, but it took time. I had to learn not to wreck my own good days by constantly thinking about my ex...going over and over in my mind the things she did and said...and was still doing and saying.

I had a friend who pointed out how often I interjected her into the conversation, indicating I was obsessing. She was right. I had to learn to gently nudge her out of my mind and come to the present moment, and just live.

I had to learn again how to live every day without narcissistic abuse in my life...how NOT to be miserable, or have drama, or confusion. Strangely, I had to learn to have good feelings which weren't followed by bad feelings, as had been the cycle. Since I met my wife, the worst day I have is far better than my best day with my NarcX.

And, I had to learn not to criticize myself for the fact that my ex WOULD come back into my mind again and again....I would just nudge the thought out and go on. I had the thought that if I was recovering from narcissistic abuse that this wouldn't be happening, but that's not true. It will, and it does, and that's OK.

I think I felt ashamed that I was still obsessing about the abusive days, but that was of no help to me. I had to accept myself the way I was, with this problem too, to come to peace within myself and so, learn to grow and change.

And, yes, it was two steps forward and one step back, and that's OK too. It's the way recovery happens. We regress sometimes....but that's just the process of learning about ourselves and growing. It's OK...and you can accept that about yourself, too.

Otherwise, we can fall into the trap of thinking we have to recover PERFECTLY, which isn't possible. We will have as many problems as we have along the way, and that's OK...it's the process. It's not perfectly recovering that we want, but acceptance of who we are, the way we are.

It's knowing that it's alright, and we're alright, just the way we are, with these imperfections....and that we ARE recovering in our own way and in our own time.

Jekyll and Hyde Narcissist...the long term effects

AFTER THE HONEY MOON, LOVE BOMBING PHASE...here comes the Jekyll and Hyde personality...what happens when you stay with an abusive narcissist over time? I did, as did my now wife, so here's what we found out:

By Honey Moon period I mean what happens when you first meet someone and are just getting to know them, and that period of time right afterwards....but before you realize that he/she has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Or perhaps after the person cheated, or hurt you terribly, begged forgiveness, and you forgave them....so things became great for a while. Sex is the best ever.....but, OH NO, they start back into behaviors that hurt again and again.

I am going to discuss a particular type of dysfunctional narcissist that often gets his/her hooks into us emotionally, and because of this Jekyll and Hyde personality, we go through cycles of horrible times and make up times. I'm going to talk about what they are like. I know there are a lot of people on this page who will recognize this kind of person.

When you meet someone, or you go through a make up period, your brain chemistry gets flooded with chemicals that make you feel great...but, chemicals are not tools for thinking about whether something is a good idea or not, so, when we do what makes us feel good at the moment, no wonder things go so wrong.

I'll skip over the good feelings of meeting and making up and go right for the problems. What I say here applies equally to both men and women, though for convenience I may use only one gender, usually the man.

So, after the honeymoon after meeting or making up, now he/she is Jekyll and Hyde...suddenly, here comes unexpected anger, or other behavior that should cause you a lot of concern...but the problem is that although the alarm bells should be going off, they don't. The red flags are obvious, but you decide to overlook them. How does that happen?

YOU RATIONALIZE......this is a word you should know. It means when we see something we know is wrong or bad or upsetting or should be alarming, we smooth over our own feelings by making up reasons for the behavior that make it seem not so bad, or even good. But, changing the label on a bottle of poison so that it reads “strawberry jam” doesn't make it less poisonous.

I've found a lot of rationalizers play a good game of “yes, but”. Yes, he/she blows up and I get scared, but he had a very bad childhood. Yes, he uses drugs/alcohol, but he's under a lot of stress. And so forth. This sort of rationalization leads you down the wrong path to a dead end.

I'm not talking about someone, for instance, who is a good, kind person, and has a bad day, so loses his temper, and apologizes for his behavior. That's normal. However, this Jekyll and Hyde personality is not remorseful, and in fact, will likely blame you, or justify what they did, or come up with excuses. Or, they apologize, but do it again and again. You are in trouble if this is happening.

Rationalization gets to be serious when you are in a dysfunctional, narcissistic marriage/long term relationship because you will tend to do it more and more , as more and more bad things occur. His excuses, plus your excuses for him should wear thin, but they don't, so you stay when you should go.

You become aware that the person has a dark side, but if you rationalize you will say that this is not “the real him/her”, and perhaps decide that if you just love them more you can change them/fix them. But, you can't. Perhaps they are financially irresponsible, or are a cheater, or a liar, or unstable, or engages in substance abuse, or....or any other thing, that when it happens, it is like a different person. The key here is that IT ISN'T A DIFFERENT PERSON.....it's the way he/she really is when not on their best behavior. It's their personality, not a one off problem.

This kind of person has you constantly up and down, happy and unhappy, like a teeter totter or like being on a ferris wheel, going up and then down. This creates a huge amount of anxiety in you because you are walking on egg shells and you never know what will happen next to set him/her off, or he/she will do it again. It can affect your sleep, physical, and mental health as well. The thing is, when you excuse this behavior in them, you set yourself up for the next “hit”. I often say that dysfunctional people get their hooks into us, but in truth, we put the hooks in ourselves and keep them there.

Now, Jekyll and Hyde may apologize afterward, it's true, but unlike a normal person, this doesn't stop it from happening again. It just INITIATES THE HONEY MOON PERIOD again, which will be followed by another incident.

YOU FOCUS ON HIS “POTENTIAL” rather than what's actually happening...this is an example of making excuses/rationalizing for Jekyll and Hyde, and probably worse, you might agree with him/her and blame yourself for the problem. Now you are in full blown co-dependency because you decide you can control his behavior if you just do this, or don't do that. But you can't, and it's a trap.

YOU EXCUSE HIS ABUSIVE CRITICISM, OVERT OR IMPLIED. Jekyll and Hyde people can be incredibly critical and abusive, alternating with being Mr. Nice. My wife says of her ex husband that she was always sort of a roving target for his negative comments, which came out of no where. Implied criticism comes with looks on his/her face, acting disgusted, disappointed in you, and other such acts.

YOU THINK THAT IF YOU LISTEN CLOSE ENOUGH YOU CAN LEARN TO DO WHAT HE/SHE WANTS, and so have a good relationship. By this time, you have lost all perspective, and are tolerating things you should never tolerate. Instead of putting the responsibility on him/her, you have put it on yourself. He blames you and you blame you, so you agree on something, at least.

HE HAS YOU THINKING YOU NEED TO BE PERFECT. This follows from the criticism above, and is another toxic element.

YOU WISH YOU COULD SOMEHOW READ HIS/HER MIND so could avoid the problem in some way....or if you could just anticipate what he/she needs and wants, etc. This is co-dependency, because you are not taking care of yourself and your needs are forgotten. If he/she has been saying things that are more or less, “You should have....”, and you know that you couldn't have known or anticipated this, and that it's unreasonable to expect this.....good, you have realized that he/she is manipulating and abusing you.

HE EXPECTS CONSTANT ADMIRATION and demonstrations of approval and gets angry or upset when he/she doesn't get it, then your Jekyll and Hyde person is certainly a Narcissist.

HE/SHE EXPECTS YOU TO PROTECT THEM FROM ALL LIFE'S DISAPPOINTMENTS and is very angry when you can't....it's not possible.

HE/SHE ENGAGES IN SPLITTING...that is, idealizing you, and then demonizing you. Humans don't usually live up to some far fetched ideal, so when you don't, he/she attacks you verbally and/or nonverbally. One thing I could never get through to my ex wife about people, is that you have to be reasonable in your expectations, but Jekyll and Hyde people expect you to meet their expectations and make you pay the price when you don't.

If any of the above sounds familiar, you are dealing with a very disturbed, highly narcissistic person with whom you won't be happy. You'll notice that it's really all about them, and if they can get you to buy into that and make it all about them, and leave your own reasonable needs behind, they will. If you have been doing so, time to rethink.