INVALIDATION: THE COVERT FORM OF ABUSE...

One of the most corrosive and destructive forms of narcissistic abuse is invalidation.  This occurs when the narcissist acts like we don't exist, or don't matter, or are worthless and unimportant.  It's very distressing to us and causes us to redouble our efforts to be significant to the narcissist.  But, this is not about us, though we don't know it.  It's about the narcissist, as always. 

We once had ALL the narcissist's attention, or so it seemed, and their affection, and we were the most important thing in the N's life.  Now, we wonder what's wrong with us. 

Invalidation is the opposite of love.  It is an exquisite cruelty in a romantic relationship where we believed we had a life partner.  an aspect of invalidation is the devalue and discard phase...we become less than nothing to the narcissist, who has moved on instantly, making us bewildered.  In fact, the N in the process of doing the same thing to another victim.

I know my now wife still felt invalidated 5 years post divorce to the point she felt unworthy of a relationship...that is, until we met.  What is validating to her?  It's as simple as a normal, loving relationship that is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  It's complementing her, making her feel special because she is special, and her understanding her importance to my life, and my son's life. 

Just remember, there was NEVER anything wrong with you.  You were always enough for the right person...a normal person.  You didn't lose the narcissist's love...you never had it.  It was all fake, and it's fake with the new supply.  But, oh my, show things change with the right person.  Yes, you can be happy again.  Don't let the narcissist win...move on to a good relationship.  Just start slowly and gradually.  It happened for me and for my now wife, and if it happened for us it can happen for you.

Example of how a BAD LAWYER can be WORSE than NO LAWYER.

How a BAD LAWYER can be WORSE than NO LAWYER!

I did NOT select the first lawyer that I met with. I saw THREE before finally choosing the one I did. He was young and charming. He appeared to be competent. He talked a good game...told me about what he would do for me and what he would fight against. He DID tell me...in that FIRST conversation, that if at ANYTIME I became "unreasonable" he would DROP me because he does not represent "unreasonable" people. 

I saw no real problem with that...I AM REASONABLE. So I put my life, and the lives of my children, in his hands...along with a significant chunk of money. Money which I had been forced to BORROW. 

At our SECOND MEETING, he uttered the words that should have been my FIRST RED FLAG. I had JUST told him about some of the evil things that the abuser had been doing and he said...

"Well! He is simply a NORMAL man who is terrified that he is going to lose his children. You will see, he will CALM DOWN once he sees that this will not happen!"

After advising my lawyer that I was CERTAIN that he would soon see that this was NOT a description that fit MY abuser" He looked at me with an all knowing, patronizing grin, flashing me his straight, white teeth and made no comment.

So it went. He kept INSISTING that he would see that I was treated fairly, instruct me about what EVIDENCE I needed to collect and then PROCEED to CAVE on EVERY single thing my abuser demanded. 

He asked me, in the beginning, what was the single MOST IMPORTANT thing that I wanted...and I told him I wanted majority time share with my children.

He stood by, without even arguing on my behalf while the abuser continued to abuse me....with the help of an attorney who did not care about the truth, fairness OR about what was best for the children.

With EACH unreasonable demand MY attorney would say "That is what a GOOD lawyer does. I would do the same thing if HE was MY client!" That never made sense to me. I WAS HIS CLIENT and he did NOTHING to protect me. 

Following are some of the things they that he FACILITATED happening. This is the stuff of narcissistic nightmares....

• The abuser took (carted off) 70% PLUS of our marital possessions and I never got them back. The police stated he could take anything he wanted and I could not stop him because we were legally married. As an example, they used my car. They assured me that he could TAKE MY CAR and leave me without transportation and NOTHING would be done because it was just as much HIS as MINE. From That day on I slept with the keys around my neck on a lanyard. My lawyer stated that he thought I should “just let him KEEP the STUFF and we would go for CASH” I never got any of the stuff back…nor did I get any cash. He didn’t even ASK FOR ANY.
• The abuser LIVED in the marital home for THREE MONTHS after I filed for divorce, coming and going as he pleased, eating my food, getting dressed for dates, treating our home as a hotel room while posting FB pictures of his new "soulmate"...and REFUSED TO PAY ONE PENNY toward the bills. HE LIVED FOR FREE and stocked up his money. My lawyer stated that there was no way to get him out of the house and I just needed to grow up and deal with it. He further stated that I would have to pay the bills ANYWAY so him being there was NOT ACTUALLY causing any financial hardship.
• During this three month period, while I was working two jobs, paying all the bills and he was “dating” and paying NOTHING….he REFUSED to get out of the marital bed. He gave me the option of SLEEPING WITH HIM…or camping on the couch. I slept on the fold out couch for that entire three months while he was nice and comfortably “recovering” from his DATES. Sometimes he would be gone for DAYS…but I did not DARE to sleep in there for fear he would show up unexpectedly…so the bed was EMPTY half the time and I was on the couch. My lawyer said he could not be concerned with such “petty nonsense”
• During this SAME three month period, my children were going through HELL and both of them felt the need to sleep with me. I think they were trying to protect me…and it DID decrease his abusive rants and threats because he did not want the kids to hear him. SO…it was me and TWO teenaged boys, sleeping on a fold out couch…for three months, while he slept in my king sized bed. Lawyer did not care and thought I was “exaggerating”
• Same period, the abuser expected me to pay his car payment and Insurance and give him gas money for his date nights. When I refused to do that he stated that he was going to sue me because I was SUPPOSED to continue paying the bills I had BEEN PAYING in the marriage. EXCUSE the French…I told him to GO FUCK HIMSELF. The lawyer stated that, in actuality, the abuser was correct but that he DOUBTED he would pursue it.
• On a couple of occasions, I awakened to find him standing over me, staring down at me with this creepy, blank faced grin. He stated he was “Just standing there and had every right to do so”. This freaked everyone out. I am convinced he was SHOWING me that he could have done ANYTHING to me and that I was vulnerable at all times. My lawyer stated that this could not be considered to be threatening in ANY WAY and I needed to “get a grip”
• The abuser lied in court, hiding his income, as he is self-employed, and ended up paying NOTHING toward the support of our children. My lawyer made NO EFFORT to show that he was hiding income because he stated “It is impossible to prove cash income”. He told me I would have to deal with it. He MADE NO EFFORT even to point out the OBVIOUS INCONSISTENCIES.
• The abuser, despite paying NOTHING, was given the right to claim one of the children as a tax exemption. The lawyer stated that he went ahead and AGREED to this because it is ordered 100% of the time by the judge anyway. No way to fight it!
• He slandered me continuously and told all the members of his church that I had “Tried to hire a hit man to kill him”. When I advised him that I would be suing him for slander since I am QUITE AWARE that I have NOT tried to hire a hit man….he stated he found out that it was “a mistake” but STILL left all the church members with the assumption that I am a crazed, murderous, loon. As far as I know…they STILL believe it. When I asked him why he did not tell them he was WRONG he stated “It is none of their business!” (My lawyer stated that he was no interested in this “kindergarten crap and told me I needed to grow up”)
• At FIRST- The abuser made me 100% totally responsible for maintaining the marital home, paying all mortgage, taxes, insurance and paying for ALL REPAIRS. He maintained rights to a FULL 50% of the equity and the ability to watch the house like a hawk...tormenting me in the process. My lawyer automatically agreed to this stating that “at least I got to keep the kids in their home”
• Later- in the final divorce, the abuser insisted that the house be sold (although he had PROMISED our children NOT to do this) and refused to pay for half of the cost of cleaning and preparing the house for sale. He still received a FULL 50% of the equity. My lawyer stated that this was the best possible outcome because it would further separate our finances.
• The checking account my pay checks went into was in BOTH our names. It was granted to me in the divorce as he NEVER added anything or utilized it and I had many auto payments coming out of it. After being TOLD that the account belonged to me, he REPEATEDLY contacted the bank and changed the address on the account to HIS address so he could keep tabs on my money. The bank stated that, short of closing the account or him signing off of it…he had just as much right to receive the statements as I did. My lawyer, again, just advised me to just close the account and did not say ANYTHING about him purposely breaking the court order by trying to get access to MY ACCOUNT. It seemed to HIM that by keeping the account open…I was “nearly INVITING him to invade my account”
• During initial mediation, when I ABSOLUTELY refused to pay him alimony, he tried to SELL me an extra day every two weeks, with my children, IF I paid him $1000 a month. My attorney merely CHUCKLED and stated “If I was his attorney, I would do the same!” There was no mention of how DESPICABLE this was or use to show that he was more concerned about money than time with the kids.
• While he was still in the home, there were several incidents of things BREAKING or turning up MISSING...VANDALISM, etc. Each incident occurred WHILE he was there but was not DISCOVERED until he was, coincidentally, GONE. At one point he vandalized the well and I called the police. They stated he denied it and they had no reason to think he would do such a thing. Another time he went into the attic and vandalized equipment which belonged to the cable company. The technician stated there WAS NO QUESTION ABOUT THE FACT THAT IT WAS DONE PURPOSELY and that this could not have “just happened”. It REQUIRED that the person enter the attic, crawl all the way to the other side and PURPOSELY disconnect it. He was willing to allow my son to record these assertions…which we did. My lawyer did not think this was pertinent.
• He would sneak into the house, listen in on conversation, record conversations illegally and, basically, pop out of nowhere, showing us that we could NEVER be safe. My lawyer stated he had the right to come and go as he wanted and he did not find this at all threatening.
• He carted off ALL THE GUNS in the house (INCLUDING MINE- Total estimated value of guns and gun safe- At LEAST $5000) but never failed to let us know that HE was ALWAYS carrying a loaded gun either in his car or on his person. My lawyer stated “what do you guns for? Let him HAVE THEM!”
• He bought the kids new cell phones and told them that it was IMPERATIVE to their SAFETY that they NEVER go ANYWHERE with ME without taking the phones. Told them to keep the PHONES CHARGED at all times and told them that if they did NOT he was taking the phones back. (My lawyer stated that he was CERTAIN that he was only concerned that he does not lose contact with the kids)
• He told our children that he had “tracers on their phones” and that “they could NEVER be ANYWHERE that he could not “get to them”. He then threatened them stating “I will KNOW if you go to a counselor” and “YOU BETTER refuse to talk to them if your Mom MAKES you go!” “I will ALWAYS KNOW and I want you to call ME IMMEDIATELY and I will come and get you!” (My lawyer called THIS a different “parenting style” and not inappropriate)
• He was CONVINCED that I was taking them to see a counselor one day. There was no court order to FORBID it…but stupid ME, I listened to my LAWYER who stated I should delay all counseling until after the divorce was final. On THAT day, the abuser REFUSED to allow me to leave the house with the children. He got between my open door and the car, hovering over me, and badgered me about “my plans to take the kids to therapy” and stated “If you DO, you will be SORRY!” refused to move and allow me to leave. The kids were in the car in a near panic and trembled for over an hour asking “What do you think he is going to DO?!” Then, I took the kids out for dinner, to try to get them OUT of the turmoil for a little while. He called and texted their phones every 5-10 minutes, for the ENTIRE EVENING….demanding that they TELL HIM WHERE THEY WERE and further scaring the shit out of them. (My lawyer FINALLY suggested that I apply for an order to get him to leave the house…an order of protection. He stated he DOUBTED whether it would approved…it was DENIED because the judge said he did not “constitute a real and present danger to me or the children)
• After THAT, I refused to allow them to take the phones with them when we went on an outing. This was met by THREATS to press charges against me because he had a RIGHT to KNOW where his children were 24/7. He stated he had BOUGHT THE PHONES FOR THE CHILDREN and I MUST allow them to carry them at all times. I told him to show me that law and I would oblige. Of COURSE, no such law exists. (My lawyer again stated this was “piddly crap” and refused to address it)
• He, multiple times, threatened my adult son with physical harm by stating that he felt, falsely, "THREATENED" (when my son was not doing anything) by him and RECORDING this…while all the while carrying a loaded gun (after telling several people that he would “LOVE to have an excuse to shoot the little Ni***r). (I had multiple WITNESSES to THIS and my lawyer stated (“It is unlikely we will have to call any witnesses…anyway, they are your family members so the court will think they are lying for you.”)
• Called up my adult, disabled son’s disability with SSA and FALSELY reporting that he was WORKING. THIS was an absolute LIE, however, the burden was placed on us to DISPROVE it…and not on him to PROVE it. This resulted in the loss of his benefits for a period. (Regardless of the fact that the abuser TOLD OUR MINOR CHILDREN THAT HE, did indeed, do this and He stated, in front of them, that my family needs to learn to respect him and that my son needed to be PUNISHED for his disrespect...) (My lawyer stated, with only the children as witnesses, we could not PROVE he did this. Better to just let it go!)
• My lawyer talked me into signing a TOTALLY UNFAIR divorce agreement by saying, over and OVER…”If you do NOT sign this, as it is, HE IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR CHILDREN!” Like an idiot…I BELIEVED HIM. I KNEW I had done nothing wrong, but I was TERRIFIED that the court would take my children. I would have SIGNED ANYTHING at that point. (When I complained about it to the lawyer he stated…”Well, you GOT the kids for majority time share…you would THINK that this is what you would be concerned about…not all this OTHER CRAP”)

POST divorce

·       He sued me for “Contempt” accusing me of everything from hiding his belongings that I had ALREADY GIVEN HIM…to accusing me of ALIENATING the children….AND trying to utilize my personal BLOG (which was partially anonymous) as evidence against me. (My attorney stated “If I was his attorney, I would do the same!” and that I BETTER start FORCING my teen-aged children go with their Father or I could end up in jail. He stated the court was likely to side with the abuser. The abuser had done EVERYTHING he could think of to FORCE them to go and was unable to as they were seeing how dirty he was playing and they began to fear him. Still, my attorney stated that he ”KNEW darn well that I COULD MAKE THEM GO and that would be very clear to the court as well….and that it was OBVIOUS that this was the case”)

·      Asked that I be FORCED to pay his legal fees since I “Forced him to sue me because I was not following the parenting plan” (My lawyer stated that this was very possibly going to be ordered since I made more money- despite the fact that I am, basically, paying 100% for their support. He stated I needed to “be more reasonable and offer to make it up to the abuser”)

·      Asked that I be JAILED for contempt (My lawyer stated that it was quite possible that I would be jailed if it went before the judge and advised me to “GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED TO SETTLE outside of court”)

This is just a PARTIAL LISTING of what my first lawyer let them do to me without A SINGLE WORD. When I would get frustrated, and ask why, he would tell me that I was UNREASONABLE and shout at me, displaying anger and disrespect. 

He ONCE called me a LIAR in front of opposing counsel (not in the court room of course) and then allowed opposing counsel to do the same….stating “It is OBVIOUS that you are lying! Even your OWN ATTORNEY thinks so”.

In mediation, prior to appearance for the contempt charges, (which my lawyer insisted on even though I told him I was NOT giving the N ANYTHING ELSE VOLUNTARILY) my OWN lawyer tried to get me to amend the contract to take away his need to TRANSPORT the children back and forth when it was his time share. His EXACT words were “Well! It would not HURT you to provide transportation a little more frequently. It would be a show of REMORSE if you volunteered”. When I told him that SHOWING REMORSE would be ADMITTING GUILT and I was NOT GUILTY…he was uninterested in hearing that.

He also told me, that day, that “EVERY WOMAN says her ex is a Narcissist and he just didn’t BUY IT” He said that the “PROBLEM in the divorce was ME because I was being UNREASONABLE” and that “HE HAD SUCCEEDED in getting me MAJORITY time share which was what I told him was most important to me”

In actuality…the abuser OFFERED to give me majority time share if it meant he would NOT HAVE TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT THE CHILDREN!

In my LAWYER’S consideration he had done a GREAT job and I was too vindictive and unreasonable to see that!

THAT was the day he called me a liar and started screaming at me for being “Unreasonable” and on that day….

I had heard enough. 

I SHOULD have dumped his sorry ass way back at the beginning….but he knew what to say to make me THINK he believed me and would fight for me…and then CONSISTENTLY FAILED to do it. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt…I should NEVER have done this. This is MY LIFE and the life of my CHILDREN we are talking about.

He had NO CONCERN about the outcome because when it was over… he would go home and FORGET about us!

I stepped from an abuser at home to an abuser that I was PAYING. In SOME ways, I think he may have been even worse…because he was taking my money and NOT DOING what I paid him to do.

I had no money to hire another lawyer. I was broke because I was paying to support my children and had been forced to find, and obtain, new housing which was VERY EXPENSIVE. My FAMILY tried DESPERATELY to convince me NOT to go to court on the contempt with this idiot lawyer. I was going to go in WITHOUT a lawyer but, in the end, knowing that the abuser and his unscrupulous lawyer would try ANYTHING to badger me and break me down, one of them loaned me the money to obtain new counsel.

My NEW Lawyer seems to be a WHOLE LOT MORE “in my corner”. She BELIEVES me at least and says, after reviewing the paper he encouraged me to sign, she stated that I was COMPLETELY SCREWED and suggested that I might want to consider reporting him to the bar. She has handled MANY divorce case of abused spouses..and she is QUITE WELL AWARE that NARCISSISTS DO EXIST...and the lengths to which they are willing to go to WIN. She LISTENS to me and seems to GRASP what I am trying to get across. Most importantly, she will fight for what is important to ME. She might make SUGGESTIONS but she understands that it is ME who will have to live with the results.

She assures me that I have NOT committed CONTEMPT is ANY conceivable way…with the exception of the children refusing to go with him for a period of time. Once the threatened to have me jailed, the kids decided to just GO. They wait for each hour to pass until they get to come home again….but they DO GO…for now. 

Since I neither told them NOT TO GO nor did I have the POWER to MAKE THEM GO…who can tell how long they will bow down to his threats against me. I guess we will see. I FULLY intend to make sure the JUDGE hears me say that...as I do not want to end up in court AGAIN. 

At any rate, they are now 16 years old. I think it is pretty obvious that I could neither STOP THEM from going if they WANTED TO or MAKE THEM GO if they refuse. Their own Father has admitted that HE CANNOT...but expects ME TO DO SO. My new lawyer DID POINT THAT OUT out during the first hearing and she insinuated that this was RIDICULOUS.

Hey! If a big, powerful, he-man cannot force them...why assume I AM ABLE TO FORCE THEM?  In the first hearing she was able to point out several inconsistencies (LIES) that he and his lawyer told...and I believe the Judge may be starting to get the picture. 

With HER by my side, I am better able to relax and remain calm and composed.

My contempt trial (part 2) is coming up this month…I will post an update about how my new lawyer fares!

So THAT is part of my story…and EVERY WORD of it is true. 

That stupid attorney did me GREAT HARM by showing the JUDGE that HE did not even believe me!

 I could NOT have done any worse if I had represented MYSELF and I would not have been out $12,000…I still owe him $2000 and he has petitioned the court to make me pay him. 

My new attorney quickly pointed out that there was “no language to allow for this in the divorce decree” and the judge said 

“You are CORRECT! Too bad for Mr. ______!” 

He could STILL choose to SUE me for the money and I do NOT DOUBT that he likely will. 

I will face that when I come to it!

In closing....

Please, Please, PLEASE, PLEASE make sure that your attorney BELIEVES you and is willing to fight for you. 

If not, change at once. I wish I had!

Our Children...so VERY ALONE, confused and crazy!

So very alone....confused and crazy!

Reprinted with permission from a reader....

A very difficult thing for me to face was the reaction of my teenaged twin sons to this situation.

AGAIN, I had not realized how very complicit I had been in their abuse! Not until one of my sons told me.

As I said in earlier posts...I KNEW I was being abused...KNEW of the abuse of MY sons (those not related to the N)...but I had NO IDEA that there was abuse occurring to OUR sons.

LITERALLY...NO IDEA!

I KNEW that they were being kept under his thumb...I knew that they were having role modeling that was not in their best interest...but the VERY LAST DELUSION I lost was the delusion that the N was a GOOD FATHER...that he loved our children and that he would place their well-being at the top of his priority list.

Until the reality of what he his is, and what he was willing to do to my children, actually hit me...this was simply IMPOSSIBLE for me to see.

When he decided to walk out...to discard me and move onto his next victim ...he made the statement that, for the children, NOTHING WOULD CHANGE. The divorce would not affect them at all! I was aware that this was incorrect but my ASSUMPTION is that the N would COME TO SEE THIS and realize that all our choices do affect our children.

What I failed to realize it that this statement was not a misconception...

not an error...

NOT a misspoken statement of FACT...

BUT AN EDICT! 

He was not stating that nothing would change for them.....

but he was DEMANDING THIS TO BE SO!

He was, in fact (and by his own words) demanding that I continue to sing of his PERFECTION to our children. Take the BLAME by proxy in telling them that he had done NOTHING WRONG. Tell them that they needed to obey him immediately, without question without a single hesitation. Advise them that they are not EVER to question, to express an "unapproved" opinion, disagree or argue. Keep telling them that if THEY ARE UNHAPPY IN THAT SITUATION that the problem is IN THEM because it CERTAINLY IS NOT IN HIM. 
As a "good" mother...I thought I had hidden the N's abusive nature from OUR children. Thought that they were on the outside of it and they had no need to know. I had bought into the DELUSION that they were blind and dumb...without reason...mere empty slates!

So when I was confronted by one of our children, about my failure to be honest, MY failure to prepare them, MY FAILURE to SEE what was happening and to PROVIDE PROTECTION for them...I was flabbergasted!

Simply stated, my son said "I thought that your marriage was PERFECT! I thought that we had a PERFECT family! I thought that it was ME who was wrong!

Other people kept telling me how wonderful my life is and how happy I should be and I thought I was CRAZY"  

When he looked at me with his own version of my Mother's flashing eyes (which I also, occasionally, see in the mirror) and stated 

"HOW could you do this to me?!"

...I was in shock.

When he told me of his depression, of his long talks and reaching out for support from his peers, of his isolation..of his numb feelings...of his "lost" periods of time...of his decision to internalize and contain his rage at being discounted and treated as a soul less, puppet...things he had been suffering for YEARS under the thumb of the N....I stood dumb with my mouth hanging open...

But when he came to the part when he told me that it was NOT only the N who had abandoned him but it was BOTH OF US...

I was devastated!

By keeping my mouth shut..by agreeing with the N by my silence...by holding the N up as a perfect and above reproach man who was ALWAYS correct...I had BECOME AN ABUSER MYSELF. 

When my son had attempted to speak to me about the fact that his opinions did NOT count and that he was not able to speak on his own behalf and not allowed to voice any decent or disagreement...I SHUT HIM DOWN...JUST AS THE N DID!

While uncomfortable to me, I had to admit that this was, indeed, an exactly correct and wholly VALID assessment of the situation. 

All I could do was apologize. 

He asked me, at that very moment...to PROMISE him that I would NEVER set him up this way, ever again. He asked for my honesty and my support. He asked me NOT to treat him as my possession but as a thinking human being who has a RIGHT to KNOW about what is happening and how it can and will affect him. 

I PROMISED this, both to him and to myself, on that very day!

NOW my truthfulness (note: NOT vindictiveness, not bad mouthing, NOT telling him that the N is evil, NOT telling him to not have a relationship with the N, NOT telling him to shun the N, not telling him he should not LOVE the N) is being called alienation and my OWN LAWYER is telling me that I must, ONCE AGAIN, lie to my son and abandon him to the delusional world of the N...because it is "bad for my case and it will look bad"

I ADMIT DEFEAT HERE! 

I simply CANNOT go back to this emotional abandonment of my children. I try to avoid unnecessary talk about the misdeeds of the N...but when faced with direct questions...when my son begins to question his perceptions, his rights, his very SANITY...

I cannot, once again, turn my back on him.

I CANNOT and I WILL NOT!

If this causes me harm in court, I will have to deal with that. If both my children, and I, must pay consequences for this behavior...then we WILL PAY THEM. 

To me, his very emotional, psychological and mental WELL BEING are at stake here. I REFUSE to take away the support of his only sane parent. They will be 18 in a few years. If they MUST survive that period of time with the abuses of the N then survive it they WILL!

I WILL GIVE THEM ONE SANE, reasonable, parent to speak honestly to. One who supports the truth and the knowledge that, in THEIR relationship with the N, the problem is NOT in them but in him. One parent who sees them as HUMAN BEINGS and not possessions. 

I am not discussing the issues in our sham of a marriage with our children. 

I can accommodate that. 

But I will not leave my own children struggling with the fear that they are defective and substandard and continue to cover for the misdeeds, lies and selfishness of this self-centered, malicious, little, 

self-proclaimed, demi-God.

I HAVE NO OPTION! 

The alternative is too unspeakable to imagine...

THINKING ABOUT THE PAST WITH THE NARCISSIST....

Wow, after my split with the narcissist, I spent years, and I mean years, going over that 20 year span, remembering the details, questioning myself about my motivations, blaming myself for not leaving earlier, reinterpreting things that happened in light of what I knew now, and the more I learned, the more clear all that has become.

But, I had a female friend back then who pointed something out to me.....I was thinking about the past so much that it was dominating my life and interfering with my present. I didn't even realize how much time and energy I was spending on the past until she told me.

Living in the present was actually difficult to me back then....I realized I was sort of obsessing about understanding my marriage to the narcissist, and that if I wanted to be "fully present" in the NOW, I needed to set aside a certain amount of time each day, or week, to think about the past, and the rest of the time to live in the present moment.

Obsessing about the narcissist is typical, however, of those with Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, I think largely because we have to rethink everything we thought we knew about the narcissistic relationship, since we understand that it was all phony and that the narcissist never loved us. We may well wonder how many times the narcissist cheated, and realize that just because we don't know what the narcissist has done, doesn't mean that it didn't happen, since the narcissist is capable of anything.

NVS and PTSD are natural responses to severe trauma and deep manipulation by the narcissist, which included gaslighting, which causes us to not know what to believe is true and false anymore. Obsessing over the past is also a natural response to high anxiety, and because we don't want to repeat our mistakes we try to understand how we were fooled.

However, obsessing over the N will produce even more anxiety, which is another reason to set aside a time to think about it, and only during that time. When the thoughts come into your mind, notice that, and say to the thoughts, "Ah, not now. We'll talk later." The more you do this, the easier it becomes.

We may also obsess over the fantasy that the narcissist created in our mind when the N did "future faking"....the N made us believe in a beautiful future which we wanted so much to be true. But, as you know, that too was not real. It's OK, even a good thing, to want that for yourself, but not with a narcissist....that can NEVER be.

Possible responses to child abuse by a narcissist

Possible responses to child abuse by a narcissist

In a prior post...I noted that the three major possible responses to the abuse a child suffers at the hands of a narcissist include:

• Giving UP: Responding with Anger and Rebellion
• Giving IN: Responding by Creation of a "Mask"
• Still Trying: Responding with deep pain, withdrawal with poor self-esteem, highly stressed, depressed, people pleasing behavior

I am certain that there are all levels of responses that fall between, around and outside of these three major categories. Even so, I think that these are the MAJOR groupings of common responses.

These groupings are what lead me to believe that the Golden child, the one most likely to give in and create a MASK...is also the most likely to become a Narcissist in the end. This is MY OPINION and I have not seen this documented in literature or research. 

To me...it is simply a logical belief...but it is still my opinion.

Of course....an abused child can SWITCH responses over time and based upon the progression of the situation. I guess I consider these the three most logical, INITIAL RESPONSES.

In many ways, these are also the responses common in abused spouses and partners of a narcissist as well. The main difference is that we, as adults when we began our odyssey into the demented world of the narc... already HAD the basis of our personality and self-perception intact. Whether that was a GOOD basis or a SHITTY basis...it was there PRIOR to the entrance of the N. Some people have already suffered Narcissistic abuse at the hands of a parent or other family member. Others have never run into a narcissist before.

If you are the child of a narc (or narcs) or if you are a survivor who shares children with a narc...you must recognized that the abuse is affecting you (or them) much more PROFOUNDLY. You have grown up seeing this abuse as somewhat "normal". Even if you have made much progress in getting over the earlier abuse, childhood memories/experiences are difficult to erase completely.

Regardless of how bad, evil, demented, delusional, selfish or just plain MEAN a child's parent(s) may be...the child loves them, believes the best about them, believes that they are correct and deeply longs for their approval and love. 

We all seek VALIDATION from the people in our lives who are supposed to LOVE us...those we depend upon to take CARE of us...those we are FORCED to trust. When you are the child of a narcissist abuser(s) you have no one else to turn to...you cannot escape...at least until you have grown up. As a matter of self preservation, you must create a way of dealing with the abuse. 

A way to SURVIVE!

A direct realization that this person (these people) are NOT invested in us...that they do not love us...that they cannot be trusted...cannot be COUNTED UPON...would be intolerable to a small child. 

It would leave them ALONE and WITHOUT protection and that is simply too scary to be brought into conscious thought. Since a young child has no choice but to remain with the abuser (abusers) in most cases...the only other choice is to find a way to SURVIVE WITH THEM!

Children do not have the freedom to "walk out" and establish a new life...they do not have the resources or support in doing this. 

ALL SYSTEMS, justice, court, school, church, family, friends, medical and any other system you can name is GEARED toward the belief that the PARENT LOVES THE CHILD, WOULD NEVER HARM THE CHILD PURPOSELY and they choose to believe (and side with) the parent, when faced with a child who is struggling or trying to communicate abuses.

At each turn, and in each setting, the child is told to OBEY the parent who is given, often erroneously, the benefit of every doubt. 

"Well, Johnny, you KNOW your Mother loves you...right? She would never do anything to purposely hurt you. Sometimes we just have to understand that our parents know what is right and, as children, we simply have to trust them and do what they tell us. You will understand when you get older!"

If ONLY that was always true! As we know...it isn't!

When faced with an entire society, and a group of systems, that is CHOOSING to live in this type of make believe world of bunny rabbits, rainbows and running horses...a child is less than powerless. It is very nearly a conspiracy that is being perpetrated on our youth and is likely one cause of the increasing aggression we are seeing in them. Nearly no adult you know would tell a child to trust all people who "seem to be nice" and most adults would NOT venture to say that "Most strangers really DO have your best interests at heart"! We do not even blindly tell our children to TRUST everyone who is a police officer...or to blindly follow the instructions of a teacher...even when they feel uncomfortable. BUT...our children are told, EVERY DAY, that their parents are above reproach or question...are never self-serving...and do ONLY what is in the child's best interest. 

In this way, SOCIETY ITSELF, perpetrates GAS-LIGHTING of our children and makes them powerless to resist and powerless to protect themselves psychologically.

The continued refusal of our society to open its EYES to the reality of the situation is leaving our children abandoned and terrified..with no real option except to keep trying, give up or give in.

The THREE OPTIONS.

Keep Trying....

The choice to keep trying to win approval and love of a P/S/N is a frustrating and very PAINFUL choice. Especially so when the child begins to UNDERSTAND that this is NEVER going to happen...not EVER. 

The child does not BEGIN by assuming that it will never happen because there is something wrong with the PARENT(s)! NO! The CHILD assumes that it will not happen because of some internal DEFECT in them! So they keep trying to get blood from a turnip...keep trying to "be good", keep trying to make good grades, be responsible, clean the house, be polite....trying to do WHATEVER they think MAY make them more acceptable to the P/S/N (s). 

Most children go through this stage for some period of time....for some it is temporary...for others it becomes a way of life that persists into adulthood.

Giving Up...

If the realization of this is complete...even though there is still the delusion of self blame....and once the child realizes that NOTHING CAN CHANGE the fact that they are too substandard, too damaged, too ugly, too UNACCEPTABLE to EVER gain the love, support and respect of the parent(s)...

a portion will find it impossible to continue to try when they cannot possibly succeed. Because they still place the blame for this failure (although it can be subconsciously)  squarely on THEMSELVES, they become angry and rebellious. 

They Give UP!

They may often have "verbal tirades" about the issue being WITH THE PARENTS...but INTERNALLY, they still feel that if they had been better, smarter, more handsome, neater...less DEFECTIVE...the P/S/N would have loved them and valued them.

They have DAILY, CONSTANT and OBVIOUS CONFIRMATION of this truth in the form of the Golden Child! 

Let's face it...it is hard to buy that the P/S/N is INCAPABLE of love and caring for ANYONE when they so OBVIOUSLY love and care about the Golden Child!

With this evidence in constant view...it is impossible to believe that the problem lies with the parent! 

Who does that leave then?

The blame must be placed, either upon the Golden Child...or upon the self. There is no other option.

Continued abuse has shown this child that it is UNSAFE to express (or EVEN FEEL) anger at the P/S/N...so where does the anger get directed? Toward the Golden Child, toward the other parent (if there is one who is not a P/S/N), toward society in general or INWARD toward the self. 

Eventually, as they grow...they begin to see where the anger REALLY belongs...but this may take decades and may NEVER happen.

These internalized feelings of fear, rage and injustice persist into adulthood. As adults, we attempt to normalize these feelings as being rational...due to the abuses we suffered at the hands of the P/S/N and, often, at the hands of the Golden Child. This is one hurdle of recovery that many never get over if they were in a family with a Golden Child...and it was NOT them. 

Many never get past the work of realizing that the Golden Child is often the most HIDEOUSLY abused of all the children.

When adults look back at childhood, despite their best efforts to do so with the adult mind....they are STILL seeing things through the eyes of the suffering child most of the time. 

The eyes of the child see the "preferential treatment", the misdirection of blame, the way the Golden Child seemed to be complicit with their abuse by the P/S/N. 

The Golden Child appears to be an extension of the Evil and is not seen as a victim...but they were/are victims. 

Their particular type of victimization is especially abhorrent because it can easily ruin their lives and render them mere shells of human beings.

Consider this...the ones who keep trying without success and the ones who have figured out that it is useless and have just GIVEN UP...have the burden of believing (at some level) that the issues are their fault...and YET they ALSO have a very great emotional INVESTMENT in proving that the P/S/N is wrong!

In reality, they WANT the P/S/N to be wrong! 

This is the only hope they have of escaping the feelings of worthlessness and shame that comes with having a parent that does not love you...does not support you...that even appears to despise you. Those parents SAY they love you...but their EVERY gesture, look and eye roll TELLS you that this is just NOT SO! 

This means they are also liars.

More than ANYTHING they DEEPLY desire to believe that the P/S/N is WRONG!

This desire, this inkling of the truth, this obviously logical assumption is there! It may be mostly masked by the self-blame and self hatred of the child...but it is still THERE! 

Because it IS THERE...the child is much less likely to buy into the perfection, deity and correctness of the P/S/N. Less likely to emulate this or find it an attractive alternative! Whatever inborn strength that was apparent to the P/S/N...the spark in them that gave them some power to resist...the thing that the P/S/N identified as a FLAW...usually keeps them grounded enough in reality and with enough HUMANITY to resist becoming the monster they see.

Not so with the Golden Child. 

Giving IN... Creating a mask...

Unlike the others, the Golden Child has EVERY REASON to need to believe that what the P/S/N sees in them...their perfection, their superiority, their status... is true! 

They see how the others are treated and they realize that this status of being "Special" is the ONLY THING keeping them from suffering the same abuses! They often spend their lives behind a mask because they are terrified at what will happen if the abuser discovers they are IMPERFECT. They fear the abuses that they see others suffering at the hands of the parent. 

For the Golden Child...there are STILL abuses but they are immensely more COVERT, sugar coated, shit on a stick. 

Most children, as they grow...especially the Golden Children, come to realize, deep inside, that they are NOT all that special. They do NOT always AGREE with the abuser...but are not going to point that out and risk losing their protected status! They SEE that they are NOT special but know that they must keep the abuser BELIEVING that they are! This is their only protection!

So they create their own mask. They emulate the abuser. The more effectively they do this...the more "special" the abuser sees them as being. 

"A CLONE of perfection ITSELF". 

This is a no-win situation for the child.

Building Our Houses

Building our Houses

Re-post from a reader....Reprinted with permission

This illustration came to me one day and I have found it helpful in understanding the reasons why the N's behave the way they do. It does not make it less damaging and it certainly does not EXCUSE it. For ME it is important to understand the reasons for it and it keeps the knowledge of what our REAL adversaries look like fresh in my mind. This replaces the "image" of the powerful, fearful, unbeatable monster and replaces it with reality. It makes it easier for ME...and I hope you might find it helpful as well.

OUR LIVES
A "typical life" has a solid core of integrity and truth. The experiences we have had, the good AND the bad, are there. The lies we have told, the secrets we have kept, are there as well. We make mistakes, we tell lies, we cause minor (and even major) harm to other people. None of us lives a life of perfection.

 We recognize this and we decide that we want to IMPROVE, to CHANGE, perhaps to make amends. We can, and do, choose to pluck out the pins that are undesirable in order to replace them with other pins...better pins. They can be removed, replaced, manipulated and more can be added...but nothing changes the core...except a few more small holes may appear.

One of those experiences (or pins) has nothing to do with all the others. The pins are NOT connected together...but they become a part of the cushion for a time. If one gets bent or rusted, we can choose to pluck it out and we still have our core.

The core may become worn or dirty but it does not sustain damage that makes it non-functional. The CORE always REMAINS.

Our integrity may be tarnished but it never disappears. 

THEIR LIVES

The narcissists life has no core. If a core ever DID exist, it was, long ago, discarded when the abuser saw no value in it. Once discarded the abuser can never reclaim it and can never build a new one. They must CREATE persona after persona in order to get what they desire. They begin to build a house of cards meant to hide their lack of integrity, their lack of truth, their lack of EMPATHY.

They have constructed their life, lie upon lie, each being balanced on the back of another. Each "fact" becomes more tenuously balanced on the lie underneath it.

The narcissist senses this at some level.
Despite the fact that they may profess to BELIEVE their own lies...or justify the lies as "the end justifying the means"...they KNOW that this is all a "house" built in their OWN minds. It has no basis in reality...no TRUTH...NO INTEGRITY.

The abuser realizes that the majority of people WILL recognize a lie for what it is when it is discovered...and will SEE EXACTLY how one lie told changes the WHOLE story being told by the N. That is one reason why they struggle SO VIOLENTLY to keep others from discovering any lie...no matter how small or "insignificant".

They KNOW that if, just ONE, of these cards is torn, becomes worn or fails, the whole construct WILL BE DESTROYED.

 Especially hard to deal with is that the lies told furthest back in this construct will cause the MOST extensive damage. The narcissist, rather than trying to rebuild any part of this construct (even if it is only 2 layers down) chooses to guard the ENTIRE structure.

They will not (cannot) , for instance,  realize that their children have SEEN what they have done. No number of lies will overcome the MEMORIES of a child of sufficient age. A rational person would likely chance ADMITTING the truth and count on the love and integrity of the child to obtain forgiveness. ( i.e "Trying to repair damage that is only a level or two down")

Instead, they will steadfastly DEMAND that the children believe EVERY LIE they have been told. If necessary, the abuser will resort to gas-lighting in order to attempt to RECONSTRUCT the memories of their children.

Perhaps this is because they know that if the "cards" start to fall from the top they MAY just dislodge some nearer the bottom as well...and the whole thing may come tumbling dawn.

Once the fall starts, the lack of a core will be obvious to all. For this reason, they give ALL ENERGY to guarding the house of cards. They will try to DESTROY anyone who threatens it.

NO ONE and NOTHING is important enough to divert their attention away from this task because they KNOW that it is very possible that nearly every person in their lives will be lost when the house collapses anyway. For THIS reason they sacrifice everyone who might love them...one person at a time...in a foolish attempt to keep the truth hidden forever and maintain their personas.

The sad thing is that they are only PARTIALLY right. There are some people who might be able to deal with the truth and remain present with the N in their pile once it falls... but instead of appreciating that loyalty, the N continues to abuse and use them in order to protect the unstable house.

EVENTUALLY, they succeed in completely burning those relationships as well....showing each victim, including their own children, that they are UNIMPORTANT in their lives...willingly and purposely destroying them in order to try to "win".

Throughout the span of a lifetime, they run into many people who have the capacity to start the collapse by bringing to light the lies upon which the construct is built. This exposed lie may be near the top of the pile or it may be very near the bottom...and the damage that can be done SIMPLY BY TELLING THE TRUTH, is likely to be significant.

The only choice the N sees is to attempt to destroy these people or make them FEAR telling the truth by threat.  If the attempted destruction of this person is INCOMPLETE...the threat REMAINS, FOREVER. This is likely the reason that N's never seem to really move on completely. They are too busy trying to PROTECT the house of cards from ALL threats.

Some threats just never go away and some threats refuse to be silenced.

Funny thing is, for the MOST part, these threats have NO INTEREST in bringing down this house...they merely want to be left alone and would gladly walk away from that house without doing any damage.

 The more the N torments these "threats" and forces them to defend themselves against the lies that they tell...the more the threat must defend and attempt to bring those lies to light.

It would be INFINITELY smarter for the N to simply "play nice" or walk away...but they do not have this capability. They live in a delusion of omnipotence, entitlement and superiority. They feel justified in making the "threats" PAY for seeing their own power, for knowing the truth, for LIVING.

The abuser often FEELS like they are winning and they may have some small victories, but NOTHING will save that house when it starts to fall.
What is true is that the liars house of cards is doomed from the very beginning.
It can only be built so high before GRAVITY brings it down.

NOTHING STAYS BURIED FOREVER.

A lifetime of abusing everyone in their path is very likely to leave the abuser standing alone in the pile of cards that is the wreckage of a lifetime of evil acts.

It is inevitable.