Now that you've been described as “crazy” by the narcissist, especially
after learning about the N's affairs, you're experiencing a kind of
soul destroying, demeaning traumatic stress and depression. Worse, the
narcissist may have thrown the new supply in your face.....my NX denied
until the end, when the split came, then was triumphant about the new
supply (which didn't last).
This pattern is the trademark move of
the narcissist, and is a narcissistic strategy called “triangulation”.
The narcissist acts like the new supply is soooo much better than you
are. Besides, the new supply is so much more.....fun....does the “fun
stuff”, ah, you know, the stuff that grossed you out and you thought
degrading. So, if you believe the N, that it's all YOUR FAULT. Wrong.
It isn't. You figure that out in time. And, the new supply, is not
better than you are, and neither are the others in the harem. THEY ARE
ACTUALLY A LOT LIKE YOU, only they are "some strange”. That's about it.
Remember, we once thought the narcissist was “all that”...a wonderful
person, a dream come true. So, when you find out that the N is a very
bad person....you question yourself...maybe YOU'RE the one with the
problem. I mean, that's what you're being told. Your thinking like
this means you have a degree of humility that the N doesn't have. But,
in the end, you know the truth....the narcissist is a very selfish, evil
person.
So, the new supply is actually VERY much like you, and
when you realize this, you will have the impulse to contact the new
supply and warn them. But, since the N prepares every new supply for
that eventuality, just like you, they won't listen.
Although the
the new supply is not at all unlike you, what's true and real is that
it's the NARCISSIST THAT'S COMPLETELY UNLIKE YOU.....totally unlike you.
Narcissists don't love, and are only good to someone in order to get
what they want....supply, sex, power over them, control, money....and
they are never motivated by doing what's best for the partner's
happiness. The reality is the opposite of what the N presents....you
are good, kind, loving, and faithful, and the N is the one with the
problem, and the one responsible for the end of the relationship.
The narcissist never enters a relationship or a marriage in good faith,
out of love, but the new supply believes that the N does, just as you
did. When you wake up from the brainwashing, you begin to see the
truth, but when you were in the middle of it, you were confused and
controlled, and enthralled with the N, and so, you wouldn't listen to
anything that contradicted the carefully crafted illusion set up by the
narcissist.
So, contacting the new supply and warning them will
do nothing but keep you involved in the narcissist's drama. There can
be a very strong impulse to contact the new supply.....a humanitarian
impulse, to save the person from the confusion and pain you went though.
They are in the middle of a nightmare and they don't know it, but they
have to have that epiphany, just like you did.
It's different if
the new supply contacts you. That means they have doubts, so then you
can speak up. But, for now, you need to concentrate on recovery, which
means concentrating on strict “no contact” (or minimal contact if you
have kids with the N. See the notes section to the left side of this
page for how to do this), and in addition, not doing “narc dipping”,
meaning, not viewing his Facebook page, or rereading texts, or emails,
or listening to “your song” or love songs that remind you of the N, or
watching videos of you two. This is the irreducible basis of recovery.
Then, you need to learn a lot about what happened to you. It's
amazing how different things seem once you do. But, even that's not
enough. Give it time. Do what you would do if you had never met the
narcissist, even if you don't feel like it at the moment. Remember,
feelings follow action....if you DO, you will eventually FEEL like
doing. Don't wait until you feel like moving on....just begin to move
on.
If you know other victims of this narcissist, getting
together can be a very powerful experience. Absent that, a women's
group can be a great help. This page is a fine community of those who
have been there, done that, and there is strength in numbers.
Narcissists think they are so unique, but on here, you learn that they
are tediously the same, and that there is NOTHING special about them.
They are just con artists. That, they are good at.
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