1. Name YOUR limits.
You can’t set good boundaries if
you’re unsure of where you stand. So identify your physical,
emotional, mental and spiritual limits. Consider what you can
tolerate and accept and what makes you feel uncomfortable or
stressed. “Those feelings help us identify what our limits are.”
Boundaries are what you will and won't do and will and won't
tolerate. You have to know what your limits are, and you may want to
write them down at first as you are beginning to set and enforce
boundaries. This is new to you, and you have to know where you
stand, and others do to. There a mental/emotional limits (verbal
abuse and manipulation), physical boundaries (stay away from me,
don't touch me, don't come to my home), and spiritual limits as well.
You will need to be in touch with your feelings and anything that
makes you feel stressed or uncomfortable needs limits.
2. Get in touch with your inner, deeper
feelings
If someone is doing something that
makes you mad or uncomfortable, that's a red flag and you need to
examine why that's happening. What is this person doing that's
bothering me? You are gaining self awareness now.
Feeling manipulated or taken advantage
of....that may cause you anger or resentment. It means someone is
over the limit of what is good for us and we are allowing it at that
time. If they are manipulating you into tolerating it because they
induce guilt in you...that means they are imposing THEIR values,
needs, desires, or expectations on you and it also means they are
crossing a boundary.
3. Communicate your boundaries clearly
and directly
You can't hint or beat around the bush.
This is where a person who's running over your boundaries will take
advantage of your natural inclination to be courteous. It takes
practice, but you'll get used to not mincing words about your
boundaries.
4. You're the boss...give yourself
permission to be in control of your life
Boundaries are not about controlling
others. They are about gaining and keeping control of YOUR life.
Victims of narcissists are usually beaten down and so are filled with
self-doubt and fear. What if they act offended when you set
boundaries? You can be sure that if you've let yourself be walked
on, when you set boundaries, some people will be surprised, some
happy for you, and some angry....the last one is because they can
take advantage of you any more. Self respect is priceless and
boundaries go a long way toward self respect.
5. Know yourself...your past, and your
present
Victims of narcissists have ignored
their own needs for so long that they do it habitually. Your
relationships will tend to be one sided rather than relationships of
equals, and tend toward the narcissist, and others, have no respect
for you, so none for your boundaries. Did you even have any
boundaries? Perhaps not, and that would be common, so boundaries
will make a HUGE change in your life.
In the past, people pushed your buttons
to prevent you have enforcing healthy boundaries. Knowing yourself,
tuning into yourself, being frank with yourself about your past, will
help you understand your feelings now and is absolutely critical to
defending your boundaries.
6. Take care of YOURSELF now
This isn't selfish and it's something
that victims of narcissists are often not used to doing since they
are used to taking care of the narcissist, and perhaps others at the
expense of their own needs and feelings. Now, is the time to honor
and respect those feelings. Giving yourself permission to do self
care is very empowering for victims and brings a degree of peace of
mind. Doing self care makes you a better parent, partner, and
friend.
7. Know who supports you and your
boundaries and ditch those that don't
A self help group often helps
strengthen boundaries, as does counseling with a therapist
experienced in narcissistic abuse. Victims of narcissists often lose
as many "friends" and they gain. There is a huge weeding
out process that results in only positive, supportive friends in your
life, while the negative and critical people who don't understand
your journey get left in the dust.
9. Understand and study assertiveness
Boundaries are ONLY boundaries IF THEY
ARE STRONGLY ENFORCED. Being words only is not boundaries.
Boundaries are not just an intellectual exercise....it means saying
"no" when you mean "no". Now, real friends will
care about you and understand why, and those that keep crossing
boundaries after you've stated them clearly are not your
friends...not really. Personally, I've found it helpful to
IMMEDIATELY shut down ANYONE who tries to talk me into a relationship
with my narcissistic ex. That is something I will NOT tolerate and
it sends a clear message. It's also very assertive, but sensibly so.
I am polite but definite about my boundaries. It's not uncommon for
people to test your boundaries to see if you're serious. And, BTW,
having the narcissist test your boundaries about non-involvement with
him is called "hoovering".
9. Practice, practice, practice
Practice in front of a mirror. Say it
out loud. This is a new skill and it will take practice just like
anything else. If you continue to practice, then your boundaries
will get stronger over time as YOU get stronger. What you might have
timidly asserted as a boundary at one point, a year later if that
person tries to cross that boundary, you're likely to be a mama bear.
Here's the thing....START NOW, and
remember this is a learned skill, so give your self time. You can do
this.
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