1. THE DESIRE FOR
CLOSURE....there is no closure with a narcissist, ever, but it's the
natural human desire to have closure that keeps the victim stuck.
The narcissist has manipulated and gaslighted the victim to the point
that they have difficulty realizing that the N is sheer evil, and the
victim wants some sort of understanding of why all this happened
OTHER THAN THE REALITY OF THE N'S EVIL, but there is no other
explanation. That's a difficult conclusion to come to, so the victim
often seeks out the narcissist for some [non existent] other
explanation. However, the only closure with the narcissist is the
realization that you will never hear the truth from the narcissist,
but you can know the truth anyway, and the truth will set you free.
2. I WANT AN ADMISSION TO
THE LIES AND CHEATING....when it becomes obvious to the victim that
they were told lie after lie, including the lie that they would have
a life together with the narcissist, and when they realize that the N
was cheating all along while professing love for them, they naturally
want the N to face the facts and admit the truth, which the N will
never do. It doesn't matter how many facts and how obvious the
truth, the N will deny you this, because the N can never admit
fallibility. However, the narcissist WILL admit to something if they
feel it will hurt you even more...example, my NarcX admitted to an on
going affair with her boss as the marriage ended, because she thought
it would hurt me. It didn't. I was just glad to be rid of her.
3. I WANT AN
APOLOGY.....of course, an apology would make sense IF the narcissist
thought, sincerely, that they had done something wrong, but they
don't. The narcissist is NOT sorry for anything they did, and so
will never apologize.
4. I WANT AN
EXPLANATION.....that would be nice, except that the narcissist can't
even explain themselves to themselves. The only thing true is that
they want what they want, when they want it, and have no moral values
at all. An explanation has a certain underlying assumption, namely,
that the N cares about right and wrong and that their behavior must
make some kind of sense in some way, but it doesn't. The explanation
of the narcissist's behavior will never come from the narcissist,
because the truths are shocking....it's about getting supply at all
costs no matter how wrong, having power over you, control of you, and
the enjoyment they got from abusing you. The N is never going to
admit that.
5. I WANT YOU TO
UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME....this assumes the narcissist
doesn't know, but the narcissist DOES know, and enjoyed it the whole
time, since abusing and hurting you makes them feel powerful.
Sickening, right? Narcissist are abusers IN THE FIRST DEGREE, that
is, the engage in willful, deliberate, and premeditated abuse, with
malice aforethought. It's likely that if you try to explain how much
the N hurt you, the N will just laugh at you, or treat you with
disdain.
How about you? Are any of
these 5 things keeping you stuck? Are there others you'd add to this
list? Let us know in your comments.
I have come to the realization that he isn't sorry. Je doesn't know why. Doesn't care that he hurt me and he is evil. He'll never admit he did something wrong because his narc mother told him always take it to the grave.
ReplyDeleteI'm healing in spite of his cruel treatment. He stealing. His manipulation. His lies. He took nearly four years but he's not getting any more. Thanks for your post. I deserve better. He's homeless. Jobless. Has major health issues. And now he's without me.
Well, I can check them all off and that is sad but true. I have tried so hard for 20 months to wrap my head around this mess, but just can't do it.
ReplyDeleteI am and will continue to move on. During our relationship 'post-mortem', I tried to get closure, an apology, etc. It was no use. I spent 11 years hoping my husband would empathise with me. But he only understands and lives for his own happiness.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad he cheated on me. Like the author, I'm rid of him. The other woman, has fallen for his sob story. We have two young children, so I find it hard to feel sorry for her. She clearly has her issues.
23 years total and 14 yrs married. I call him a black hole. I'm finally finished. When I think of how CALLOUS he is and how naive I was to fall for every moment he seemed to be honest in his gestures or in what he would say...I become so sad then angry. THEN I feel stuck. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt but no more. Word of advice, whatever you feel try very hard to keep it to yourself. The N will collect EVERYTHING you say and use it against. As well as EVERYTHING you do if you lose control of yourself. 23 years 3 kids, and No dreams have come true. I will not live with a black hole for another year.
ReplyDelete23 years total and 14 yrs married. I call him a black hole. I'm finally finished. When I think of how CALLOUS he is and how naive I was to fall for every moment he seemed to be honest in his gestures or in what he would say...I become so sad then angry. THEN I feel stuck. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt but no more. Word of advice, whatever you feel try very hard to keep it to yourself. The N will collect EVERYTHING you say and use it against. As well as EVERYTHING you do if you lose control of yourself. 23 years 3 kids, and No dreams have come true. I will not live with a black hole for another year.
ReplyDeleteFUTURE FAKING.. that got me stuck for a long time, until i had to realise the it will never happen. And whet if it did happen? More abuse, more control. Once I realised that I could leave him and not miss him, not miss the future together. He future faked a lot.
ReplyDelete