DATING AGAIN? TIPS TO AVOIDING ANOTHER NARCISSIST

Narcissists have an intuitive understanding of who will make a victim...they seek honest, loving, compassionate, and empathetic people because they are easiest to fool and to hook. After three years of dating and some doozy mistakes, I came up with a plan to try to weed out narcissists and find a good person. It worked for me. I'm married now, and very happily. Here's what I did, and I know you'll have some ideas yourself, so please post them below...lets help one another. Here's what I did:

1. Before I got involved...you know what I mean...I talked, talked, talked. Well, no...I got THEM to talk, endlessly, about everything, especially their past relationships. Do their exes think they are terrible? Do they say that multiple exes hate them? OK...well, contact the exes and listen closely. Notice how they characterize their achievements and successes....do they think that THEY are so special that they deserve all the credit? Also, what do they think are the most important things in and about their lives? Let them talk about their family of origin...and then, meet the family to see if it's populated with narcissists and abusers, or filled with secrets and lies. Let them talk about their friends. Do they have an inordinate number of opposite sex friends? How do they describe their same gender friends? Meet them....if their friends are players and cheaters, so are they. When you talk, do their eyes glaze over as they wait so they can talk again?

2. Get them to talk about their past plans and their plans for the future. Are the plans sensible and realistic.....or grandiose? When they talk about their plans, does it seem as though they are looking for you to assist financially? Are they a good provider NOW, and do their plans equal a stable and reliable future?

3. Are they frank about their flaws and faults? We all have them...we all have a past....we all have embarrassments. No, the person doesn't have to go into gory details, but do you get the sense that they have a realistic view of themselves and their flaws, and are telling you the truth? Or, are they manipulating YOU, your impressions of them, and do you see them doing that with others? Trust your instinct about the person...does it feel like mind games to you? Does something make you feel unsettled? Do they seem to be empathetic and caring...how to they treat others, say, servers at restaurants? Do they treat some people as if they are beneath them? Are they self righteous?

4. Watch them in social situations...do they always seek to be the center of attention? Do they habitually flirt? Do they brag? Do they have stories that are attention getting and make you wonder how true they are? Do they think their opinion on everything is important? Look on social media. Do they think that everything they do is worthy of attention? Is it all about them?

5. Focus on personal qualities, not on charm, looks, or finances. Finances are important in so far as the person is a steady worker and financially responsible, but if the person is using money as a hook, be very, very careful.
   The qualities I decided to focus on were the ones that were the very opposite of my NX, namely, that the person should be the following: kind, considerate, giving (not selfish or a taker), caring, loving, stable and reliable, and honest and faithful, and their history should show that about them.

As you can tell, this method is time consuming. However, if the person isn't willing to take time, and give you time to be sure, they they are the wrong person. Too much pressure for sex? Wrong person.

Now......a confession.....I have to admit that most of my dating mistakes before adopting this way were because I found it very difficult to be celibate, so I made some bad mistakes at first because of this, I think in no small measure because things with my NX had been so bad for so long and I had split so long ago. But, I decided to slooooow down and be sure. It worked. BTW, I walked away from quite a few possibilities before I met my now spouse. But, given that we are about to celebrate our 8th anniversary, it was worth it. And, yes, my spouse is the very opposite of my ex, and does have all those qualities.