OK, let me say right off
that I'm not a therapist, and that I made up the name “Mary Poppins
Syndrome”. But, I think it does describe how narcissists see
themselves.
See, narcissists are
extremely touchy when it comes to any suggestion that they are less
than perfect, although they are fully capable of FAKING humility.
That's because they are oh so prickly about anything that smacks of
criticism. But, there's so much more behind this problem.
A person who's been
verbally abused can be touchy about criticism, but they don't think
they are practically perfect. After you've been with the narcissist
for a while, you get a funny feeling, like something just isn't
right. You get hints that they are selfish and are can be combative
rather than engaging in rational discussion. Something is going on
here and you don't quite know what it is.
The reality is that
Narcissism is a PERSONALITY DISORDER, meaning, their world and how
they view it, and themselves, is totally different than yours, which,
to you, causes so much confusion it can be disorienting. And, one of
those very different traits is an exaggerated sense of self, called
being GRANDIOSE.
I had so many
conversations with my NX about being “moderate and reasonable”,
including about herself, but as you have guessed, that went nowhere.
I think the reason for this is that the narcissist is highly
competitive and constantly comparing themselves to others. And,
with the narcissist there are only winners and losers, and that means
they will always be the winner. The point of being grandiose is that
they are better than you and almost everyone. My NX said she was
smarter than Einstein (really), and meant it. She's intelligent, but
so are lots of people. But thinking of yourself in a sensible way is
NORMAL thinking. The narcissists mind is not organized in that way.
My NX still thinks this
way, though many years of experience should have taught her
otherwise. But, from the narcissists way of thinking, unless they
are better than everyone, they are worse. Their thinking is very
black and white. In fact, to make themselves seem better to
themselves, they are contemptuous of others, including you. You have
to be put down so they can rise to the top.
The reason for this,
weirdly, is that the narcissist actually has low self esteem papered
over with grandiosity, but they can't let themselves, or anyone else,
know this. That's why they are never introspective. Why should they
be, since they are “practically perfect in every way”?
So, let's examine the
narcissists mind and how they think....since they KNOW they are a
good person (the facts not withstanding) and their way of looking at
things never wrong....well, you must be a horrible person if you
disagree in any way. Your job is to worship their perfection. If
you say that the narcissist is hurting you, that's just a lie. They
would NEVER do something like that. Even their preferences in TV
shows and movies are the best and yours dumb. In fact, anything they
like or any way they think, is superior to yours.
Abuse? You're imagining
it. You're making it up. You deserve every demeaning and degrading
thing they say about you. In this way, they justify their habitual
cruelty, which to them is not cruelty but honesty. They may banish
you from the presence of the king, also known as a discard.
I now have to tell you
something that took a very long time to get through my head....20
years, in fact. YOU CAN'T TALK OR REASON A NARCISSIST OUT OF THIS
WAY OF BEING. It's in their DNA. It's who they are right to the
core. It's how their mind works. It's why therapy is never
successful and why they don't get better with age, but rather worse.
You have never been able
to reason with them because your mind is organized around reality, a
sensible view of yourself, and being reasonable and moderate, but the
narcissists' mind is organized around DEFENDING THEIR OWN
INFALIBILITY AND GRANDIOSITY. The “king” lives behind castle
walls fifty feet high. They are paranoid and suspicious because they
know you think in a normal way, so they control you with abuse so you
don't dare challenge them.
One day, when I realized I
could NEVER change my NX, I got out, only to find out another
disturbing fact about narcissists....that they want to clone
themselves in their children....to make them into a “mini me”,
and that's why they carry it over into the divorce and why they seek
to alienate the kids from you. But, that's a topic for another post.
Love this thank you
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