Anything that builds up a
narcissist's ego, makes the N feel superior, or makes the narcissist
feel powerful, feared, or significant will be supply to the
narcissist, whether POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE, and that's important,
because many people think that after the break up, contact with the
narcissist in which they display clear hostility will discourage the
narcissist and make them go away. It won't, because it's also
supply. What makes the N go away is DEPRIVING THE N OF SUPPLY by
refusing to give any response of any kind, called the gray rock
method, that is, giving the same response as a gray rock.
But, that's not the two
types of supply you need to know about. The two types are PRIMARY
SUPPLY and SECONDARY SUPPLY, and after this you will be able to
easily identify them, and knowing this makes the narcissist's
behavior more understandable.
Primary supply means being
adored, adulation, being looked up to, being popular (or famous), or
negatively, being feared or being notorious. You notice that some
people commit horrible crimes so they will be known and hated, and be
notorious....but they are not anonymous and irrelevant....that's also
primary supply.
The narcissist may
cultivate a reputation for sexual conquests, or for having friends in
high places (supposedly), or military or personal exploits, or for
extraordinary spirituality and religiousness. In a negative sense,
they may use lies, and fear of physical abuse, or emotional abuse, or
play on your fear of them spreading terrible rumors and other slander
about you. Supply, and power and control go hand in hand.
Now, the other type of
supply is called SECONDARY SUPPLY, which is derived from things like
being thought a good family man and leading a “normal” life (as
far as people know, that is), having an admirable partner, attending
religious services, being financially secure, and the like.
Secondary supply can also be gotten by the success of the
narcissist's partner and the N's association with them. Whatever
would be a status symbol in the narcissist's group of friends and
would be thought of as success IN THAT GROUP is secondary supply.
Secondary supply is about the general appearance that the
narcissist's life gives to the narcissist's friends and family, and
the world generally.
Now you can understand why
the narcissist chose you. You are part of the narcissist's plan to
get secondary supply and appear normal, or successful to those the
narcissist is trying to impress. You were chosen because you are
normal, kind, loving, a good parent, responsible, so your being with
the narcissist means that the narcissist MUST be a good person and
WORTHY of your love, which the N is NOT.
You were chosen for your
VIRTUES in order to cover the narcissist's vices. That's right...YOU
WERE COVER for his facade, his fake self, and when you no longer
serve that purpose, or someone else will serve the purpose better,
you will be discarded. If the new supply fails to serve this
purpose, then you will be hoovered (trying to draw you back into the
N's life) and the N will resume the relationship for a while so the N
is not without secondary supply , but hoovering also has other
purposes as well.
Keep this in mind...to the
narcissist, you serve a purpose, just like an appliance...you have
utility for a practical purpose, which is supply. When someone tires
of an appliance, or they think another appliance works better, they
discard the old appliance in favor of a newer model. It's hard to
come to the reality that this is how the narcissist actually viewed
you, despite the N claiming that they loved you. They didn't. THEY
LOVED WHAT YOU COULD DO FOR THEM, and it was never more than that.
That's sad, but
understanding that to the narcissist, your daily life was nothing
more than secondary supply means that when the N hoovers, you see the
N is a totally different and more realistic way. The fog lifts, and
you see the truth....and so, you can move on.
Yep, although my narcissist has repeatedly told me he does not love me, he wants us to continue to live as husband and wife. His reason? He does not want to jeopardise the chance of promotion! I've told him he needs to move out. Cheek!
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