I have often said that the
narcissist has several driving obsessions that explain much of what
he does. The narcissist MUST have control and power over you, and he
must have supply. These are non negotiable, absolute needs to the
narcissist and he will do whatever he has to do to get them, no
matter how wrong.
Your boundaries....well,
boundaries are what you will and won't do, and will and won't
tolerate. Boundaries are how YOU keep control of YOUR life, and as
you can see, your having control of your life is EXACTLY what the
narcissist cannot tolerate. Boundaries are only boundaries if you
strictly enforce them, and when you do, the narcissist can't tolerate
that...ever. He has lost control and he thinks he needs control in
order to insure you are a reliable source of supply.
The narcissist, as a
result, is always self focused. It's always going to be about him.
Without power, control, and supply, he feels worthless and empty.
Respecting your boundaries would equalize control in the relationship
and narcissists never permit that.
So, the narcissist MUST
destroy your boundaries, or destroy you. He will do the latter,
anyway. He always does. In the case of my now wife's narcX, since
she is not with him anymore, he had to try to destroy her boundaries
at family gatherings, like our grandson's baptism party and the like,
making for some incredibly tense moments where he had to be put in
his place. He acted “hurt”, of course, being the martyr and all
that.
But, here it is, 16 years
after their divorce, and he STILL tries to break down he boundaries.
That's how intolerable losing control of a former victim is to a
narcissist.
If you tried boundaries
and limits...said what you would and would NOT do and tolerate, and
the narcissist had a cow, well, it could not have been any other way.
And, a good relationship will have good boundaries, and a good man
will always respect them.
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