Something I rarely hear
mentioned about narcissists is their use very deliberate use of
SHAMING, which is interesting because narcissists feel no shame at
all. Feeling ashamed for doing a specific thing can be good for us,
and normal....like feeling ashamed of hurting someone, for instance,
and that's the result of having a conscience, which is why the
narcissist doesn't feel healthy shame.
Toxic shaming is one of
the weapons of an abusive relationship. Narcissists make victims
feel shame about WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE, so there is no way to make
amends or remedy it, and that's called “TOXIC SHAME”. If you
already have toxic shame in your past, say your childhood, the
narcissist has an intuitive sense about who they can victimize, and
once the narcissist learns this about you, he very deliberately love
bombs you to make you feel safe, accepted, and loved. This is the
set up that makes you want to be vulnerable to the narcissist.
What comes next is the
abuse....demeaning, belittling, withholding...including the silent
treatment, stonewalling, withdrawing and leaving, manipulation,
cheating, lying, AND BLAMING THE VICTIM, which triggers the toxic
shame and makes the target fear abandonment, which is what she
learned from the narcissist that she deserves.
If there's one thing the
narcissist is truly an expert at it's producing toxic shame in
victims. You are not good enough and can't ever be good enough,
because you are inherently defective. It doesn't matter how much you
give to the narcissist, you can't EVER be good enough, so she feels
trapped in a no win situation. Soon, the victim begins TO DISLIKE
HERSELF, criticize herself, and she's filled with self doubt, which
destroys her self esteem.
Healing from narcissistic
abuse, IMHO, starts with healing from toxic shame. It's difficult
and one of the jobs of a good therapist experienced with narcissistic
abuse, and of a good recovery group for abused women.
It's also why recovery is
so hard and one of the reasons women go back to the hoovering
narcissist who abused them....somewhere, deep inside, they may
falsely believe that they don't deserve better, but believe me, they
do....or may not believe that a normal, happy relationship is even
possible for them, and that comes from low self esteem caused by
toxic shame.
You only have the
happiness you believe you deserve. Therapy, time, no contact with
the narcissist, good support, and detached reflection on your
relationship with the narcissist are you beginning building blocks of
recovery.
WOW... WOW.... WOW!!!! You have truly just nailed my past THREE relationships!!! I've most recently even wondered if this latest narcissist was a sociopath & had NO IDEA until JUST NOW that there was such a thing as them having BOTH!!! SO VERY HAPPY that I stumbled across this blog!! P.S. ~ The feeling of NEVER EVER being right & it ALWAYS being MY FAULT (especially being a Virgo) is just an impossible situation!!!! Just waiting for the day that an Empath like me DOESN'T fall for a Narcissist!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing!!!