This is a common question...how do I go minimal contact when my NarcX
have a child (children) together? Good question. I have dealt with
this for many years and have made personal rules that I learned the hard
way. One thing I learned was to communicate my rules (“boundaries”) in
a clear and unambiguous way, and to be strict about my rules right from
the beginning, otherwise, the N will ignore them since all N's are used
to getting their way and walking all over you. Now, instead of no
contact, I did “minimum contact”. Here are my rules:
1. I
communicate ONLY by email and never directly, and only about my son's
health, school, and visitation...and NEVER about anything personal, not
ever. I never answer, even negatively, any “friendly” comments
(manipulations), or personal remarks or attacks. ANY response, positive
or negative, only encourages the N. Needless to say, there is never
any response to anything that seems like “hovering”. If the emails are
abusive, save a copy for court or for a restraining order. In some
cases, if they are so bad, or are practically book length, you can have a
helpful friend read them and only tell you about health, school, or
visits.
2. My NarcX is blocked on my cell. My son has his own
cell and she can call him on that if she wants to. That way there is no
responsibility on my part for insuring communications between them, and
nothing to discuss about it.
3. Any voice mails are
deleted immediately and NEVER listened to, and the N knows that's my
policy...if she wants to tell me something, she should email me. Not
that they will do this right away, but after a while they get the
futility of doing anything else.
4. If you are
getting an order, or modifying one, never allow anything ambiguous in
the order, especially something that says “cooperate” or “consult”, or
“agreement between the parties”. That will NEVER work with an N. The
order needs to be written extremely clearly and YOU NEED TO FOLLOW IT
STRICTLY, TO THE LETTER, making exceptions, not for whims, but for a
very important reason only, and never routinely. See No. 6, below.
5. If she says “HI” to me somewhere, say school, I just nod, and I stay
away from the N. If the N approaches you to talk, you'll need to tell
them not to do that, which will make them angry for a while. My now
wife's NX started rushing over to her to hug her, which was incredibly
awkward and unwanted, as a part of a hoovering attempt. He now has to
stay across the room and not speak to either of us, and that's best.
6. Make no allowances for the N's whims as far as visits. I have
allowed variation, against my normal rule, only in extraordinary
circumstances, and told her it was a one time thing and not the rule,
because otherwise, the N will do everything according to their own whims
and make chaos out of the order.
7. Do not allow the N
into your home for any reason. This is YOUR personal space and this is
a clear boundary issue. Pick up is best done in the driveway or at the
curb, not at the door. If your ex is hostile or threatening, as mine
was, well, I made all pick ups and drop offs in front of the ordering
counter at McDonalds since there are cameras and she knew it. This ends
false accusations about what was said or done, and even then, I never
get closer than 10 feet.
8. My NX tried to shred the
decree with constant changes and variations, and ridiculous
interpretations, according to her whim since she is so unreliable and
unpredictable, but the order is there to force predictability and so is
best followed right down the line. If you won't do what the N wants,
expect the N to get very angry and abusive. That's the time to “gray
rock” the N, meaning, having the same emotions as a gray rock...none at
all. If the N can get any emotion out of you, the N will do it again and
again.
9. So, the point of only communicating by
email is that you have a record of the inevitable verbal abuse, and can
use it against the N when the time comes, since it shows the N with the
mask down. Keep your emails short and business like, and factual, not
personal.
10. Never count on the N's agreement for
anythings since they are passive aggressive and just won't give it, so
have a back up plan. My favorite is to ask by email and state what I
intend to do, then do it, and so long as it makes sense, the court is
fine with it. However, never violate the provisions of the order dealing with custody or visitation because the the N will hammer you in court.
11. No sex. Yea, the N says “one more
time, for old time's sake”....N using you and keeping your hooked,
and boy, it's nearly impossible to move on if the N is still spending the
night. It's also incredibly confusing for the kids. Plus, it makes
some other good person go in the other direction, seeing you involved with
your NX, letting the N in your house, and letting the N stay. So, your life
never gets right. Plus, if you do date as well, the kids won't have any
idea what to think about this because it makes no sense to them and
makes a poor role model for adult behavior.
That's
what I can think of right now. I've been going down this road for many
years, and believe me, these rule I came by the hard way. However, if
you are consistent you get the best result. The N is never going to
become reasonable. This is a marathon that lasts until your kids are
all over 18, and these rules got me by so far. 1 more year and I'll be
done, thank God.
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