OK, a confession. After
my split with my ex, I made a mess of it several times over, so what
I say here I learned the hard way. So, first off, when you start all
over again, you'll make mistakes too, likely. But the difference is
that this time I dumped the narcissists in weeks, not months or
years. Here's some really obvious HUGE red flags.....
Huge Red Flag #1: He has
had a string of bad relationships and none of it is his fault. Even
in good relationships, some of the problems are our fault, and owning
up is critical to resolving problems. But, a narcissist will ALWAYS
say that the problems were not mutual, but the fault of his ex. He
makes them ALL out to be crazy, vindictive, and hateful. He'll do
this to you in the end. He's the opposite of the Dave Mason song “We
Just Disagree” which says, “There ain't no
good guy, there ain't no
bad guy. There's only
you and me and we just disagree.” A
narcissist thinks he's perfect and without flaws. Nobody's like
that.
Huge Red Flag #2: Oh boy,
is he EVER important. And smart. And charming. And talented. And
better than other people. You get the drill. It's called “being
grandiose”. He brags and constantly draws attention to himself.
If he says something “humble”, you get the uneasy feeling that
he's fishing for compliments. It's like, “I've said enough about
me, now YOU talk about me.” This is called “getting supply”
and he'll get it anywhere he can, including other women. Know what?
It IS all about him.
Huge Red Flag #3: He's
consumed with anger at people he thinks have wronged him, and if you
listen, he seems to think that people are out to get him. But why?
Ask him, and chances are, it will be something like that they are
jealous or envious of his abilities or talents, and the like. When
talking about it, he gets mean and sarcastic. Believe me, he will
talk to YOU this way eventually, and speak OF YOU like this as well.
Huge Red Flag #4: He puts
down family members and “friends”, but behind their backs and
acts the opposite to their face.
Huge Red Flag #5: He's
rude and abusive to people like wait staff or others who are in a
service position, or anyone who he sees as “beneath him”, and may
refuse to tip over seemingly nothing. Wow, if he does this to them,
he will eventually do this to you. It means he lacks empathy and
compassion for others.
Huge Red Flag #6: He
makes a mistake, or does something thoughtless, and he refuses to
admit it, but instead blames it on you or someone else. Ouch! You
are with a guy who you can resolve no problems because talking to him
about it is like being on a hamster wheel....you go round and round.
These ones really stick
out to me because they are the ones, in my own experience, are likely
to be noticeable. Perhaps you have others. It's really important that you DO NOT cover for the guy. My mantra
is “detach and observe”.
Never ignore Huge Red
Flags...never. It saved me, but, yea, I was embarrassed that I was
fooled at all, but I think that there is no way to avoid that. All I
could do when I saw the Red Flags was to exit, stage left,
immediately, and try again.
Thank you
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