I had been married 20
years and now, here I was, single again. Sorry to tell you, I made a
real mess of it at first, by not sorting out the narcissists right
away. Well, not immediately. But I did bump them out of my life in
a matter of weeks, which was a huge improvement over 20 YEARS in my
previous marriage. So, sez me to myself, how do I sort the narcs out
right away so I don't waste time....and feel like a fool again?
Here's a few tips that might help...
TIP #1: LISTEN CLOSELY.
Watch out for one sided conversations where the person tells you how
wonderful they are, and they seem to think they are fascinating and
that their stories are SOOOO interesting. Do some stories
seem....off a bit? Sometimes they leak information. I dated one
person who inadvertently accidently let it slip that a previous date
was in fact....married. Listen to it all but be sure NOT to feed the
person a lot of personal information, particularly about what you
might be looking for in a person, otherwise, they will “mirror”
you and become exactly that. Do they seem fascinated with their own
sense of being charming and funny? Narcissists are self absorbed and
often show it. They also start right in “love bombing” you by
giving you extremely exaggerated compliments and idealizing you.
Better to have someone who sees you as you really are, and
appreciates you just that way.
TIP #2: DON'T RUSH
THINGS. Are things moving much too fast? Sloooooow things way, way
down. A good person appreciates the caution but this is contrary to
the narcissists game plan of love bombing and instant intimacy. My
now wife and I became friends and she made me wait months for “the
cookie”, as Steve Harvey calls it. I was OK with that. I truly
thought she was a very good person and might make a good wife, but
that was my main interest and I wanted to find out. It was perhaps a
year before the “L word” got said. Don't sell yourself short.
You're a valuable person and the right person will see that. Too
much, too soon, is the tactic of the narcissist, but slow and gradual
is the way lasting relationships are formed. Besides, take it from
me, it was SOOOO worth the wait.
TIP #3: SET AND ENFORCE
BOUNDARIES. And, watch the result. Narcissists HATE boundaries
because they are all about getting control of you and boundaries are
what allow you to keep control of your own life. Boundaries are what
you will and won't do, and will and won't tolerate. If the person
doesn't gladly respect your boundaries, then when you get deeply
involved, they won't then, either. Narcissists never respect or
follow boundaries, including boundaries involving finances, fidelity,
or honesty. If you make it clear what your boundaries are and the
person ignores them...that is the reddest of red flags. You say what
you want and like, and they should respect that fully. If
not....ooops.
TIP #4: WATCH TO SEE IF
THE WORDS MATCH THE ACTIONS. With a narcissist, there is this
constant problem of the words not matching the actions, but instead,
there is a lot of excuses and explanations. I dated one person who
affected a very religious manner, but I found was dishonest in
business dealings. There were professions of being very loving but a
very sketchy past that was unverifiable. With my now wife and I, our
past were clear and easy to see, and our we had access to each
other's friends and family. A narcissist will often go overboard
with gifts and professions of instant love, but the question is how
well the person REALLY knows you, after all. I mean, shouldn't the
person be interested in the real you, not a fantasy? Remember a
narcissist is big on show. You have to get past all that and find
out who the person really is....BEYOND the person's words and love
bombing. Real people seriously interested in a long term
relationship don't love bomb, they appreciate, and being appreciated
for real personal qualities is a very, very good sign.
You can change the habits
and patterns that you use to meet people and form relationships.
Getting the narcissist out of your life is a great opportunity to
rethink how you've done things and come up with a better plan.
No comments:
Post a Comment