The first item you'll see
in most descriptions of narcissists is that they are grandiose, that
is, the narcissist exaggerates
achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior
without commensurate achievements.....
grandiosity may be described this way: An unrealistic sense of
superiority, a sustained view of oneself as better than others"
that causes narcissists to view others with disdain or see them as
inferior. It also refers to a sense of uniqueness; the belief that
few others have anything in common with oneself and that one can only
be understood by a few or very special people....in other words, is
full of themselves and think they are “all that”.
You,
by comparison, are a mere mortal who should love and admire the
narcissist. The narcissist may believe that they are destined for
greatness. My NarcX, for instance, told me she was one of the
smartest people in the world and had an IQ higher than Einstein, and
would win the Nobel Prize. When this doesn't match their actual
life, they will often fabricate success and falsely
lay claim to
things that might make them looked
up to,
or exaggerate their own importance and position.
This
is done so they can be admired by others, which they think, of
course, that they deserve. My narc ex has written and self published
several books which no one reads. If they sold 25 copies, it would
be a lot for what she did. However, this allows her to say to others
that she is a “published author”. She also touts her success,
but in reality, she is broke and deep in debt, which, to her, is an
injustice, given that she “deserves” to be rich.
Narcissists
often tell all sort of random
lies
and exaggerate to an extraordinary degree. My NarcX claims to have
lived in over two dozen places in the USA, but the real number is
more like a dozen. Why? Because, to her, it makes her “story”
more interesting. No amount of calling the narcissist on the lies
will dissuade the narcissist from telling them.
Narcissists
react in two main ways to “narcissistic injury” in which someone
doesn't believe their lies, or accept that they are superior, and
treats THEM as a mere mortal. One type of reaction is that they
become very angry and
may fly into a rage at not being treated like royalty, since they
think they deserve admiration and respect. This sort of narcissist
can be quite abusive when “dissed”, and they
use their anger to dominate and control others.
Another
reaction is the one that therapists call the “vulnerable
narcissist”...this means the narcissist may act like a hurt victim,
vulnerable and sensitive. I believe these are less TYPES of
narcissists than strategies by narcissists, since my own NarcX does
both, depending on what she believes will work best at the moment.
However,
an
apparently “vulnerable”
narcissist, while being grandiose, may also fear abandonment, and so,
be quite controlling and insecure, forcing the partner to account for
every second of time and every location, and imply that the partner
is not being loving enough if they do normal things with friends.
The partner's world can gradually collapse to the level that makes
the narcissist most comfortable, which can be near imprisonment. The
partner may be accused of infidelity, despite the fact that the
narcissist is the unfaithful one. My
(non expert) opinion is that this type of narcissist may have a
secondary diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but in any
case, has some features of this disorder.
One
obvious aspect
of all narcissists is that they MUST have loyalty, and they react
badly to anything they see as a betrayal, which may be merely
disagreement with what they say or
want, or failing to support their false self.
My NarcX considered my son's desire to spend time with me as
disloyalty, for instance.
When
people are turned off by the narcissist's offensiveness, they have
“turned against” the narcissist. My NarcX characterized the
judgment of the Guardian ad litem and my son's therapist that I was a
good father who deserved full parental rights....as them having
turned against her, and she said so on the witness stand, much to the
surprise of the judge. Personal loyalty takes precedence over truth
and justice, or
reason and common sense, which
are irrelevant to the narcissist.
Narcissists
are chameleons. They can be one thing, then another, so if you see
both types of behavior in the narcissist, don't be surprised.
However, some are mainly the overtly grandiose type, and others
mainly the vulnerable type. I believe that these are strategies that
the narcissist has discovered works for them, and they become expert
in using that tactic.
One
aside....the covert narcissist is also grandiose, but my wrap their
grandiosity in fake humility, or pretended religious belief.
However, the grandiosity can leak out, as when the narcissist
frequently
proclaims themselves a “person of God”.
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