So very alone....confused and crazy!
Reprinted with permission from a reader....
A very difficult thing for me to face was the reaction of my teenaged twin sons to this situation.
AGAIN, I had not realized how very complicit I had been in their abuse! Not until one of my sons told me.
As I said in earlier posts...I KNEW I was being abused...KNEW of the abuse of MY sons (those not related to the N)...but I had NO IDEA that there was abuse occurring to OUR sons.
LITERALLY...NO IDEA!
I KNEW that they were being kept under his thumb...I knew that they were having role modeling that was not in their best interest...but the VERY LAST DELUSION I lost was the delusion that the N was a GOOD FATHER...that he loved our children and that he would place their well-being at the top of his priority list.
Until the reality of what he his is, and what he was willing to do to my children, actually hit me...this was simply IMPOSSIBLE for me to see.
When he decided to walk out...to discard me and move onto his next victim ...he made the statement that, for the children, NOTHING WOULD CHANGE. The divorce would not affect them at all! I was aware that this was incorrect but my ASSUMPTION is that the N would COME TO SEE THIS and realize that all our choices do affect our children.
What I failed to realize it that this statement was not a misconception...
AGAIN, I had not realized how very complicit I had been in their abuse! Not until one of my sons told me.
As I said in earlier posts...I KNEW I was being abused...KNEW of the abuse of MY sons (those not related to the N)...but I had NO IDEA that there was abuse occurring to OUR sons.
LITERALLY...NO IDEA!
I KNEW that they were being kept under his thumb...I knew that they were having role modeling that was not in their best interest...but the VERY LAST DELUSION I lost was the delusion that the N was a GOOD FATHER...that he loved our children and that he would place their well-being at the top of his priority list.
Until the reality of what he his is, and what he was willing to do to my children, actually hit me...this was simply IMPOSSIBLE for me to see.
When he decided to walk out...to discard me and move onto his next victim ...he made the statement that, for the children, NOTHING WOULD CHANGE. The divorce would not affect them at all! I was aware that this was incorrect but my ASSUMPTION is that the N would COME TO SEE THIS and realize that all our choices do affect our children.
What I failed to realize it that this statement was not a misconception...
not an error...
NOT a misspoken statement of FACT...
BUT AN EDICT!
He was not stating that nothing would change for them.....
He was not stating that nothing would change for them.....
but he was DEMANDING THIS TO BE SO!
He was, in fact (and by his own words) demanding that I continue to sing of his PERFECTION to our children. Take the BLAME by proxy in telling them that he had done NOTHING WRONG. Tell them that they needed to obey him immediately, without question without a single hesitation. Advise them that they are not EVER to question, to express an "unapproved" opinion, disagree or argue. Keep telling them that if THEY ARE UNHAPPY IN THAT SITUATION that the problem is IN THEM because it CERTAINLY IS NOT IN HIM.
As a "good" mother...I thought I had hidden the N's abusive nature from OUR children. Thought that they were on the outside of it and they had no need to know. I had bought into the DELUSION that they were blind and dumb...without reason...mere empty slates!
So when I was confronted by one of our children, about my failure to be honest, MY failure to prepare them, MY FAILURE to SEE what was happening and to PROVIDE PROTECTION for them...I was flabbergasted!
Simply stated, my son said "I thought that your marriage was PERFECT! I thought that we had a PERFECT family! I thought that it was ME who was wrong!
As a "good" mother...I thought I had hidden the N's abusive nature from OUR children. Thought that they were on the outside of it and they had no need to know. I had bought into the DELUSION that they were blind and dumb...without reason...mere empty slates!
So when I was confronted by one of our children, about my failure to be honest, MY failure to prepare them, MY FAILURE to SEE what was happening and to PROVIDE PROTECTION for them...I was flabbergasted!
Simply stated, my son said "I thought that your marriage was PERFECT! I thought that we had a PERFECT family! I thought that it was ME who was wrong!
Other people kept telling me how wonderful my life is and how happy I should be and I thought I was CRAZY"
When he looked at me with his own version of my Mother's flashing eyes (which I also, occasionally, see in the mirror) and stated
"HOW could you do this to me?!"
...I was in shock.
When he told me of his depression, of his long talks and reaching out for support from his peers, of his isolation..of his numb feelings...of his "lost" periods of time...of his decision to internalize and contain his rage at being discounted and treated as a soul less, puppet...things he had been suffering for YEARS under the thumb of the N....I stood dumb with my mouth hanging open...
But when he came to the part when he told me that it was NOT only the N who had abandoned him but it was BOTH OF US...
When he looked at me with his own version of my Mother's flashing eyes (which I also, occasionally, see in the mirror) and stated
"HOW could you do this to me?!"
...I was in shock.
When he told me of his depression, of his long talks and reaching out for support from his peers, of his isolation..of his numb feelings...of his "lost" periods of time...of his decision to internalize and contain his rage at being discounted and treated as a soul less, puppet...things he had been suffering for YEARS under the thumb of the N....I stood dumb with my mouth hanging open...
But when he came to the part when he told me that it was NOT only the N who had abandoned him but it was BOTH OF US...
I was devastated!
By keeping my mouth shut..by agreeing with the N by my silence...by holding the N up as a perfect and above reproach man who was ALWAYS correct...I had BECOME AN ABUSER MYSELF.
When my son had attempted to speak to me about the fact that his opinions did NOT count and that he was not able to speak on his own behalf and not allowed to voice any decent or disagreement...I SHUT HIM DOWN...JUST AS THE N DID!
While uncomfortable to me, I had to admit that this was, indeed, an exactly correct and wholly VALID assessment of the situation.
By keeping my mouth shut..by agreeing with the N by my silence...by holding the N up as a perfect and above reproach man who was ALWAYS correct...I had BECOME AN ABUSER MYSELF.
When my son had attempted to speak to me about the fact that his opinions did NOT count and that he was not able to speak on his own behalf and not allowed to voice any decent or disagreement...I SHUT HIM DOWN...JUST AS THE N DID!
While uncomfortable to me, I had to admit that this was, indeed, an exactly correct and wholly VALID assessment of the situation.
All I could do was apologize.
He asked me, at that very moment...to PROMISE him that I would NEVER set him up this way, ever again. He asked for my honesty and my support. He asked me NOT to treat him as my possession but as a thinking human being who has a RIGHT to KNOW about what is happening and how it can and will affect him.
I PROMISED this, both to him and to myself, on that very day!
NOW my truthfulness (note: NOT vindictiveness, not bad mouthing, NOT telling him that the N is evil, NOT telling him to not have a relationship with the N, NOT telling him to shun the N, not telling him he should not LOVE the N) is being called alienation and my OWN LAWYER is telling me that I must, ONCE AGAIN, lie to my son and abandon him to the delusional world of the N...because it is "bad for my case and it will look bad"
I ADMIT DEFEAT HERE!
I simply CANNOT go back to this emotional abandonment of my children. I try to avoid unnecessary talk about the misdeeds of the N...but when faced with direct questions...when my son begins to question his perceptions, his rights, his very SANITY...
He asked me, at that very moment...to PROMISE him that I would NEVER set him up this way, ever again. He asked for my honesty and my support. He asked me NOT to treat him as my possession but as a thinking human being who has a RIGHT to KNOW about what is happening and how it can and will affect him.
I PROMISED this, both to him and to myself, on that very day!
NOW my truthfulness (note: NOT vindictiveness, not bad mouthing, NOT telling him that the N is evil, NOT telling him to not have a relationship with the N, NOT telling him to shun the N, not telling him he should not LOVE the N) is being called alienation and my OWN LAWYER is telling me that I must, ONCE AGAIN, lie to my son and abandon him to the delusional world of the N...because it is "bad for my case and it will look bad"
I ADMIT DEFEAT HERE!
I simply CANNOT go back to this emotional abandonment of my children. I try to avoid unnecessary talk about the misdeeds of the N...but when faced with direct questions...when my son begins to question his perceptions, his rights, his very SANITY...
I cannot, once again, turn my back on him.
I CANNOT and I WILL NOT!
If this causes me harm in court, I will have to deal with that. If both my children, and I, must pay consequences for this behavior...then we WILL PAY THEM.
To me, his very emotional, psychological and mental WELL BEING are at stake here. I REFUSE to take away the support of his only sane parent. They will be 18 in a few years. If they MUST survive that period of time with the abuses of the N then survive it they WILL!
I WILL GIVE THEM ONE SANE, reasonable, parent to speak honestly to. One who supports the truth and the knowledge that, in THEIR relationship with the N, the problem is NOT in them but in him. One parent who sees them as HUMAN BEINGS and not possessions.
I am not discussing the issues in our sham of a marriage with our children.
I CANNOT and I WILL NOT!
If this causes me harm in court, I will have to deal with that. If both my children, and I, must pay consequences for this behavior...then we WILL PAY THEM.
To me, his very emotional, psychological and mental WELL BEING are at stake here. I REFUSE to take away the support of his only sane parent. They will be 18 in a few years. If they MUST survive that period of time with the abuses of the N then survive it they WILL!
I WILL GIVE THEM ONE SANE, reasonable, parent to speak honestly to. One who supports the truth and the knowledge that, in THEIR relationship with the N, the problem is NOT in them but in him. One parent who sees them as HUMAN BEINGS and not possessions.
I am not discussing the issues in our sham of a marriage with our children.
I can accommodate that.
But I will not leave my own children struggling with the fear that they are defective and substandard and continue to cover for the misdeeds, lies and selfishness of this self-centered, malicious, little,
self-proclaimed, demi-God.
I HAVE NO OPTION!
I HAVE NO OPTION!
The alternative is too unspeakable to imagine...
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