Future faking is a great
tool for a narcissist to get and keep you hooked. The narcissist
gives hints or direct statements about the future in order to control
you in the present. This is a part of “managing your expectations”
of what will happen in the relationship, since if you expect your
dreams to come true, you'll act accordingly now, giving the
narcissist supply and trust.
This is not about breaking
a promise of something in the present...he didn't take you to that
concert, or come over on Friday, as he said he would (excuses will
follow), but rather about spinning a beautiful picture of a wonderful
future that will never happen. It also provides a great way to end a
disagreement...he shows you the moon, and you melt. Now for some
examples...
The narcissist interrupts
a fight in which you are suspicious of his behavior by saying, “Will
everything be OK if we just get married? Will you trust me then?”
Notice that this isn't an actual engagement, which would require a
ring and a date. This gets him back in control of the situation by
seeming to promise the ultimate.
The narcissist hoovers
with future faking you after you've gone no contact. When the
narcissist sees you're moving on and had enough, you unfortunately
break no contact for some reason, and what he says to seal the deal
of you letting him back into your life is that he's sorry, realizes
how wrong he was, and WANTS TO GET MARRIED. That means he's serious.
He's changed. Right? Wrong. It's future faking to the hilt. “I
just want to have kids with you and grow old together”....he'll say
it if he thinks it's what you want to hear.
The narcissist future
fakes you during the initial phase of the relationship when he's love
bombing you. “I've never met anyone like you. I know you'd make a
good wife and mother.” “I can't believe we're so much alike...we
have so much in common. I could do this forever.” “Look at you.
You're gorgeous. We'd have beautiful children together.”
The narcissist future
fakes you in casual conversation. “My business is really taking
off. I wonder what Hawaii would be like when it's winter here.”
“I've always wanted to stand on the Eiffel Tower and it would be
great if you were by my side.”
Now, here's the thing. If
you've been with a narcissist for very long, and you think back,
you'll realize that you've been future faked time and time
again....it's bait so he can keep reeling you in emotionally.
However, there comes that day when he future fakes you, and you look
at him with empty eyes. No excitement anymore. The dreams were all
fake, and none of it was ever real.
Then, you'll realize that
it wasn't so much that you loved the narcissist as that you loved the
dream, and if your dreams are ever going to come true, it won't be
with the narcissist.
3 years of my life are wriiten in this article. It took me so long to finally admit that our "forever" relationship was so unhealthy. I was the one who left. And now, a year later, I can't understand why I stayed so long with someone who was only capable of loving himself .He always said we were Soulmates. But wouldn't that require both of us having a soul?
ReplyDeleteThey are devoid of a soul! My ex said that crap and when it ended and I reminded him that he said I was his soulmate he laughed and said "yea, thats before you fucked up everything" they blame blame blame
Delete3 years of my life are wriiten in this article. It took me so long to finally admit that our "forever" relationship was so unhealthy. I was the one who left. And now, a year later, I can't understand why I stayed so long with someone who was only capable of loving himself .He always said we were Soulmates. But wouldn't that require both of us having a soul?
ReplyDeleteExactly but the others died with in them self usually during child hood
ReplyDeleteHi Kimberly, I have to believe what you say is true. But what do you think happens to a person during childhood which causes such a change? We talked extensively about his childhood. He never bothered to ask me about mine. It was always about him.
ReplyDeleteHi Kimberly, I have to believe what you say is true. But what do you think happens to a person during childhood which causes such a change? We talked extensively about his childhood. He never bothered to ask me about mine. It was always about him.
ReplyDeleteI experiences this for the past 9 months. When I wanted him to deliver on those dreams he was selling? Things like "oh, I'll have more time once school ends." At first I questioned if he was being unfaithful, because school let out and he was still calling me really late, like 11:30p. I accused him of cheating. We argue and he would not only not tell me what he was doing *exactly* but wouldn't adjust the time to call me early. He got mad and we broke up. Him citing "not liking being accused of things I haven't done." So, a few days later? I apologized. And he ignored me. Sounds like a cop-out to me.
ReplyDeleteOf course there were more instances. This was just the last straw.
I endured 13 years of this. I never really thought about it until this blog. I got the "I want to grow old with you", "we're soulmates" etc. I would also express my dreams. I'd get excited that maybe she is finally going to have my back on something I want to do. Just to have them crushed time and time again.
ReplyDeleteMy ex would get me all excited,send me trip ideas for my birthday, XMas, my big 50 birthday- etc-----at the last minute he would get mad at me- cancel and give me the silent treatment----
DeleteTrips to Disney and a cruise. She had no money. These were promised. Guess who probably would have gotten stuck with the bills? Lists of things we would do; sexually and socially. One or two happened. I'm a soft touch. "A fool and his money"!
ReplyDeleteIn my case, I was paying the bills (although he was male Narc)...he promised to me: winter holidays (he broke with me on a Christmas eve), wait until my daughter corrects grades...things like these...never materialize...But, I am glad we broke (he broke with me), but my therapist said - I caused it - made him too much trouble with my questions etc. He even accused me of being "selfish" and not helping him financially...I feel like my role was to help him financially (short and long term) because I realized he is in huge debts.
DeleteWe never went out. Never.
ReplyDeleteI died.
I had to go.
Then he started going out every day and every night.
And, I had to find out that sometimes he had his fun-but was not telling me.He used me up -for whatever it was ....
Oh my I never knew this term 'future faking' until now. I wish I had known 8 months ago. She has been future faking me since we first met. Having little experience with the opposite sex I didn't question it. Suggesting future trips, events and subtly hinting at moving in together when we were in the early stages of dating. It certainly worked, I was infatuated with her for far too long and was oblivious to the red flags. Now I've come to realise after all this time that I wasn't in love with her, just the idea of the 'fake future'. I feel relieved and slightly sad. Someone I spent intimate time with, thought I had come to know like my own reflection and would have loved unconditionally likely suffers from NPD. Someone who seemed and looked so sweet was just wearing a 'mask' this whole time and using me for narcissistic supply. Her profession also made it harder to recognise and her repeated claims of being caring and honest. I cannot believe how many times this tactiv was actually used on me, old promises are going through my head as I type this. I would like to ask her why but knowing how she is, how narcissists are. I would not get any clarification, I won't receive an actual answer due to the narcissist losing control. The saddest part for me is that I care for her - knowing that she is suffering and more than likely will never experience happiness. Narcissism can be so difficult to spot, even if you have prior knowledge.
ReplyDeleteI was future faked for eighteen months. I made what I thought was a very good friend whom I felt was close to. He was not a narcissist but he was selfish. He used me as a listening post, as a sounding board, but took no interest in my own affairs. To make sure I was available to listen he constantly suggested that we would do the kind of stuff that friends would do together such as go to the cinema, go swimming, go bowling etc. Of course none of this ever happened and I continued to swallow the bait. Eventually I came to realise what was happening, whereupon the 'friend' dropped me and I have never heard from him again. I have recently heard from a mutual acquaintance that he has found a new victim.
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