Now that you've been
described as “crazy” by the narcissist, especially after learning
about the N's affairs, you're experiencing a kind of soul destroying,
demeaning traumatic stress and depression. Worse, the narcissist may
have thrown the new supply in your face.....my NX denied until the
end, when the split came, then was triumphant about the new supply
(which didn't last).
This pattern is the
trademark move of the narcissist, and is a narcissistic strategy
called “triangulation”. The narcissist acts like the new supply
is soooo much better than you are. Besides, the new supply is so
much more.....fun....does the “fun stuff”, ah, you know, the
stuff that grossed you out and you thought degrading. So, if you
believe the N, that it's all YOUR FAULT. Wrong. It isn't. You
figure that out in time. And, the new supply, is not better than you
are, and neither are the others in the harem. THEY ARE ACTUALLY A LOT
LIKE YOU, only they are some “strange”. That's about it.
Remember, we once thought
the narcissist was “all that”...a wonderful person, a dream come
true. So, when you find out that the N is a very bad person....you
question that....maybe YOU'RE the one with the problem. I mean,
that's what you're being told. You're thinking like this means you
have a degree of humility that the N doesn't have.
So, the new supply is
actually VERY much like you, and when you realize this, you will have
the impulse to contact the new supply and warn them. But, since the
N prepares every new supply for that eventuality, just like you, they
won't listen.
Although the the new
supply is not at all unlike you, what's true and real is that it's
the NARCISSIST THAT'S COMPLETELY UNLIKE YOU.....totally unlike you.
Narcissists don't love, and are only good to someone in order to get
what they want....supply, sex, power over them, control, money....and
they are never motivated by doing what's best for the partner's
happiness. The reality is the opposite of what the N presents....you
are good, kind, loving, and faithful, and the N is the one with the
problem, and the one responsible for the end of the relationship.
The narcissist never
enters a relationship or a marriage in good faith, out of love, but
the new supply and the harem believes that the N does, just as you
did. When you wake up from the brainwashing, you begin to see the
truth, but when you were in the middle of it, you were confused and
controlled, and enthralled with the N, and so, you wouldn't listen to
anything that contradicted the carefully crafted illusion set up by
the narcissist.
So, contacting the new
supply or warning the harem will do nothing but keep you involved in
the narcissist's drama. There can be a very strong impulse to
contact the new supply.....a humanitarian impulse, to save the person
from the confusion and pain you went though. They are in the middle
of a nightmare and they don't know it.
It's different if the new
supply contacts you. That means they have doubts, so then you can
speak up. But, for now, you need to concentrate on recovery, which
means concentrating on strict “no contact” (or minimal contact if
you have kids with the N. See the notes section to the left side of
this page for how to do this), and in addition, not doing “narc
dipping”, meaning, not viewing his Facebook page, or rereading
texts, or emails, or listening to “your song” or love songs that
remind you of the N, or watching videos of you two. This is the
irreducible basis of recovery.
Then, you need to learn a
lot about what happened to you. It's amazing how different things
seem once you do. But, even that's not enough. Give it time. Do
what you would do if you had never met the narcissist, even if you
don't feel like it at the moment. Remember, feelings follow
action....if you DO, you will eventually FEEL like doing. Don't wait
until you feel like moving on....just begin to move on.
This is a great page with a wealth of info for me right "NOW" in my life much better than the therapist Thank you!!!!!!
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