"Starving them out" refers to
denying the narcissist all forms of supply....it amounts so
abandoning the narcissist emotionally. Now, any form of emotional
reaction at all is supply, whether positive or negative....starving
them out means giving them no attention whatsoever. This is known as
"the gray rock method", meaning, you give the narcissist
the same response and attention as would a gray rock....none at all.
From the standpoint of the narcissist,
it's "love me, or hate me, but I am always in your head".
What the N fears and dislikes the most is TO BE IRRELEVANT TO YOUR
LIFE...TO MEAN NOTHING AT ALL TO YOU. The narcissist has no "me",
no self...the only exist in what they see in you, that is, you are a
mirror to them and if you take that away, they disappear.
Let's put it this way....your usual
reaction to the narcissist is like playing PING PONG...the narcissist
hits the ball your way, so you hit it back. But, what it you never,
ever hit it back. What if you just stand there, with no expression,
and do nothing. Doesn't make for a very good game, does it? ANY
hitting of the ball back, or even trying, amounts to VALIDATION for
the narcissist. In fact, think of it this way....they keep hitting
the ball to you because they are begging for your attention.
The narcissist has to put a LOT of
effort into maintaining the narcissistic image they project, and when
it comes to supply, they tend to see others this way.....those who
give it are allies, and everyone else is an enemy....but, what about
those who give them no response at all, like they don't exist? It's
perplexing to the narcissist.
So, "starving a narcissist out"
comes after the relationship ends, or the divorce is over, and the
narcissist is in the attacking phase, seeking to discredit you, or in
the hoovering phase, seeking to "use, abuse, and lose" you
again. Starving out makes the narcissist go away and leave you alone
in the shortest time. Every narcissist is different, and some may
try to hoover many months and even years later. But you can be sure
that getting no response is, for the narcissist, the worst of all
possible responses. The narcissist hates that. They feel invisible.
You've shown them that you could care less about them, what they
think, feel, or do.
To get a response, the narcissist will
provoke. No response. Attack. No response. If your friends or
kids tell you something the narcissist is saying, you speak the
truth. You can just reply, "That's not true", followed by
a brief statement of the truth, so you don't create a conversation by
proxy through friends and relatives.
To starve a narcissist, you don't
speak...communications, if at all, are by email, say, about kid's
visitation, health, or school, but never about anything personal.
You never respond to a text or voice mail. In social situations, if
the narcissist speaks to you, give no facial expression at all and no
response. Never show any emotion of any kind, not even anger.
How long it takes for the narcissist to
go away varies with the narcissist, but if you give the narcissist
ANY form of response, it resets the clock back to zero. I should
add, finally, that starving the narcissist is the way to go
REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY FEELING AT THAT MOMENT. Yes, it
can be difficult, but with practice, you'll get it. Keep in mind,
what you want from the narcissist is to have no narcissist in your
life, and starving them out is the best way to accomplish that.
Wow! This article has led me to completely understand the reason why Narcissists feign Indifference. To a Narcissist, Indifference is their biggest fear because, to them, Indifference equates to absolute worthlessness to the point of non-existence. Therefore, when a Narcissistic person treats you with indifference, you can be assured that they are anything but indifferent to you. The Narcissist uses this tactic to communicate to you that you are of no consequence, which to them would be equated with not existing, so that they can feel better about themselves having given you the ultimate insult from The Narcissists' Handbook. This is why Indifference is the best strategy to use against the Narcissist. Thank you so much for this article.
ReplyDeleteVery enlightening. Starve the narcissist out!
ReplyDeleteJust tried this no emotional response as an approach to the poking and prodding of a narcissist. The result is unexpected and has the monster showing care; care because I don’t care.
ReplyDelete