IT'S YOUR FAULT! YOU'RE TO BLAME FOR ALL THIS! YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, NOT ME!

Sound familiar? It's virtually universal in narcissistic relationships...making you the scapegoat for everything. Of course, the narcissist couldn't be the problem, being a virtually perfect person, after all. But, that begs the question...why not just resolve problems in a reasonable way and be happy?

Narcissists engage in “projection”, meaning that they project their faults ON YOU, resulting in demeaning tirades that are like an IED to your self esteem because THEY LIKE TO ABUSE. The pain is enormous, the confusion complete, and the experience exhausting, because you are constantly having to defend yourself against baseless accusations. Projection serves the practical purpose of deflecting blame from the narcissist, where it actually lies.

I was accused of infidelity, not being loving and caring, being financially responsible, being a terrible parent, and so much more, and, TALK ABOUT PROJECTION.....this describes, not me, but the narcissist, to a T. The narcissist was all those things and still is. You've probably been there, done that, and you can list the false accusations of your narcissist below so as to help others.

However absurd the accusations, arguing with the narcissist about something that has no reality is playing the narcissists game. What you want, sensibly, is peace and to have no contact with someone who abuses you with false accusations. Just remember, the narcissist will ALWAYS do this, so there is no winning the argument. Besides, the narcissist will always find the things THAT HURT YOU THE MOST, and poke you there.

The narcissist can't survive emotionally any other way. I've watched them for decades and they don't change, but get worse as they learn more, and because they have NO LIMITS on their own behavior and are willing to do anything...and I mean, anything to get what they want.

So, how do you fight back? YOU DON”T, not exactly. You don't engage in this kind of discussion but instead, you get boundaries. Boundaries are what you will and will not do, and will and will not tolerate. Boundaries are only boundaries if you strictly enforce them. If my NX says something accusatory, I “gray rock” her....that is, I give the same response as a gray rock....absolutely nothing at all. The narcissist hates this. They want to be always in your mind, positively or negatively, but they don't want to be irrelevant. Having boundaries that include strict “no contact” (with minor children involved, extremely limited contact) and gray rock...that's the winning strategy.