Here's what WE see when we
detach and observe the narcissist closely. It's striking how fantasy prone a
narcissist is and how self centered and self absorbed, and what a radical difference between how the narcissist sees themselves compared to how they really are. For example, the narcissist:
- Turns every conversation to him or herself.
- Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs but not vice versa.
- Is oblivious to the impact of his negative comments on you.
- Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you and tells you what you should and should not feel.
- Focuses on blaming you or others instead of taking responsibility for his own behavior.
- Expects you to anticipate his every need.
- Is highly absorbed in his own hobbies, interests, to the point of ignoring your and your children's needs.
- Constantly seeks to be the center of attention.
- Inappropriately teases and ignores the hurt he causes.
- Refuses to acknowledge his own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and uses anger to shut it down.
- Has an attitude of “anything you can do, I can do better.”
- Engages in one-upmanship to seem important.
- Acts in a seductive or flirtatious manner and pours on the charm when in public.
- Expects to be admired...may use false modesty to fish for compliments.
- Thinks he has to have latest, or the “biggest” and “best.”
- Very status oriented
- No sense of gratitude, but rather thinks YOU owe THEM.
- Fake persona, acts like the “perfect” person, husband, or father, to gain admiration.
- Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants. Lets you know you'd better cater to his sexual fantasies or he will find someone who will.
- Sees himself above the rules and doesn't expect to be penalized for not following them.
- Shames your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings.
- Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own.
- Wants to control what you do and say—tries to micromanage you.
- Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own.
- Has poor insight
- Has shallow emotions and interests.
- Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
- Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants.
- Engages in physical, psychological, or sexual
abuse....makes you feel used.
After point two (2) the author seems to assume that all narcissists are male.
ReplyDeleteUse of the masculine pronoun for all is common. Much easier than constantly saying he/she or him/her
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteIf the gender roles were reversed, chances are someone would be accusing the male wirter of being a misogynist by using only the female pronoun: shall we therefore assume this female writer is a misandrist? With such an emotionally charged subject matter, the sensitjve thing to do would be to use the plural pronoun “they”; if it’s really too much effort for the wirter to use ”he/she”. Or better yet, In this age of gender equality, why not use the feminine gender pronoun as the norm? Or would this female writer be too biased to consider gender equality when it come to exposing the negative behaviour displayed by her own sex? But hey, I’m just a guy, so what do I know, right?
DeleteI have known female and males with narcissistic personality disorder and they all have the majority of these traits. Although I am a woman, I never thought the author was just speaking about males with this disorder. I assumed it included the females with this disorder as well. Both sexes can be affected with it, although there is a higher percentage of male's with this diagnosis. And no, a man who is a misogynist will have some of these traits but not every misogynist has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There is some crossover, but generally people with Narcissistic personality disorder treat their closest loved ones like this. Whether they are in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, does not matter. It is about how they react to those who they use as narcissistic supply.
DeleteThis is so much my husband
DeleteI feel lost and like I'm nobody because he tells me I'm nobody and nobody likes me
Delete@southerngal ...Please get counselling from a women's support centre... No one deserves to be made to feel that do not matter... We are each created by miraculous odds of The Universe's & Our Maker's design... You are connected to all in Creation purposefully and perfectly as you are meant to be.. NO one has the right to try and deaden your unique BEING... You have a right to be your authentic self with the authentic passions, goals, and abilities only given to you, and no one else in the same way. You were created to connect with those who inspire your own passions and callings of the quiet calm message that tries to reach you from the Universe. Try to only connect with those that do not feel toxic to you. Sometimes the lesson in life is to know when to move on or walk away. We level up in life when we do what is hard... and a life does NOT require you to do what is hard alone... There are supports who will relate and can help you. xo
Delete@southerngal, i am in the same situation, if u need to talk please email me. N if want u can contact me.
DeleteMy email is rosa0330@aol.com, please i need to talk to someone too, he leaves me alone every night, n i cant seem to get him out of my mind.
My ex best friend did all of these things to me, she is an evil woman!
DeleteThis is my husband to a t.
DeleteYes, but it is assumed that we are intelligent enough to realise that it refers to all genders. It's very common to write in this way. Unfortunately for me almost all reflects what I'm dealing with. Once your eyes are open to their tactics there's no going back. My trust and kindness was seen seen as weakness. I stayed too quiet for decades. Now I'm seen as a bitch for standing my ground. That's OK, I can live with that. I'm a survivor. When your back's up against the wall,you have only two choices. I chose me after four decades of abuse, in one form or other. Anyone out there going through this, I suggest start making plans to escape (it can take years). Do everything quietly and tell no one.
DeleteUnknown, you are so very right. I wasted 30 years thinking he could change. What I saw was very different from what my kids and everyone else saw. I didnt even realize what narcissism was and since he wasnt physically violent I didnt consider myself as being a victim of domestic violence. Well it is very much so domestic abuse. Who knows really how many have gave up and done the unthinkable. The last comment is spot on when you finally see it in someone dont waste anymore time in your life trying to change them a narc will never change and if they are a covert Marc like mine was they are the worst. Start make your escape plans even if it $10 or $20 here and there be very quite about it do not tell anyone. You need to get yourself out as soon as possible. I didnt do it the smart way I just up and outted him and went to stay with a friend well that was my biggest mistake because his manipulation kicked in and long story short he managed to take away my job, my phone, my car, no money, homeless, and with his lies turned what family I had left against me and most of my friends. If it wasnt for a very of my friends who seen him for who he was I probably myself would have done the unthinkable. Now a year later the judge in our divorce was disgusted at what my situation had become and made him pay for his actions and now im about to move in my new apt. I have a decent job, and my divorce is almost final. Alot of my relationships with family and friends are permanently damaged and it still hurts. But I did get to find out who was true in my life and to those people I will forever be in their debt and true to them. Had I done things a little differently maybe I wouldnt have had the struggles I did but im free now and I can breathe for the first time in 30 years I can be me and i used to care about what people thought of me and ive had to come to terms with the fact there are going to be people who still believe the lies they were told and for the first time in my life I truely dont give a rats ass what thise people think because he no longer has that control over me. For young people out there going through this there is help out there reach out. The center for the prevention of abuse was my lifesavor amd the game changer for me. Narcissist abuse is absolutely domestic abuse and there is all kinds of help out there for it.
DeleteYeah, I noticed that but the friend I am sending this to is male dealing with a female narcissist/soul sucker.
ReplyDeleteI have to own up to most of the observations, however I thought that these are the norms of the human condition. A sort of self protection mechanism.Often used in banter in order not to be crushed in convivial conversation.
ReplyDeleteSame, I agree
DeleteYep.....I concur....that is my ex.
ReplyDelete@Gurubrew
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIf the gender roles were reversed, chances are someone would be accusing the male wirter of being a misogynist by using only the female pronoun: shall we therefore assume this female writer is a misandrist? With such an emotionally charged subject matter, the sensitjve thing to do would be to use the plural pronoun “they”; if it’s really too much effort for the wirter to use ”he/she”. Or better yet, In this age of gender equality, why not use the feminine gender pronoun as the norm? Or would this female writer be too biased to consider gender equality when it come to exposing the negative behaviour displayed by her own sex? But hey, I’m just a guy, so what do I know, right?
ReplyDeleteMy Ex would do 22/29 of these examples. HE (yes, HE is a man) sees himself as a good person. Even after being separated from him for over 3 years he is still trying to cross boundaries (imposing himself on me, touching me, letting himself into my home when I'm out), manipulating...it is all about him and how bad things are (for him), I did this to him (by ending the relationship) and have destroyed our family. Our children will suffer etc. (actually, kids are doing great! so am I as we are not suffering his emotional abuse on a regular basis).
ReplyDeleteWondering why are you attacking this author? The information is sound. Some of their examples are him/her inclusive, just not all. I would personally use "they" and be gender neutral, but am not offended by he/she references. I see many authors add disclaimers regarding gender references in their writing, I suppose this author could do the same. However the article is not 'man bashing' or 'woman bashing' it is just about a personality type that (statistically) shows up in more men than women:
" Both men and women can be narcissists. However, the motivations of male and female narcissists are different.
They also manipulate situations to their advantage in different ways. Roughly 6% of the population has
narcissistic personality disorder. Research over the years has shown that it is also more prevalent in men than
in women — 7.7% vs 4.8%."
source: https://www.businessinsider.com.au/the-main-difference-between-narcissistic-men-and-women-2017-10?r=UK&IR=T
I’m really sorry you had a bad time with the narcissistic man in your life; I’m also really sorry I’ve had a bad time with the narcissist mother in my life. But does that give me the right to make indiscriminate sweeping generalisations depicting narcissists as being female by using “SHE” instead of “they”, when making a general reference to non-gender specific narcissistic behaviour? That’s as reprehensible as typifying criminals of a certain type as being black, because more blacks are convicted of that type of crime. I would be ashamed of myself, just for holding such an intrinsically prejudiced attitude, let alone trying to promote it as being “statistically justifiable”.
DeleteAs for your statistic that more narcissistists are male than female, the research you rely upon is woefully out of date. Current health care practices are discovering that it’s closer to 50-50, and that this statistic may actually be underestimating the incidence of narcissistic abuse of men, because of the social pressures upon men which mean that male victims are far less likely to report being victims of abuse by a woman, or even to seek help (mainly because this “patriarchal” society values men so much that it is commonly held that abuse of men by a woman doesn’t count anywhere near to the same degree as abuse of women by a man).
https://www.paracelsus-recovery.com/en/blog/male-victims-of-female-narcissists
Since you have spoken from your own experience, I shall now take that same privilege to myself (it being the age of equality). My own experience of narcissism started as a male child raised by a narcissistic mother. While my sister would get any amount of comforting and reassurance when she was upset, as the male child, I was roundly told by that same mother, to stop sniffling and be a man, even at times when “SHE” (yes, SHE was a mother, and thus a woman), had just wrongly punished me for something my sister had admitted doing. Visiting my friends’ homes as a child, this desensitisation of boys by their mothers seemed very much common practice in society at large, but most powerfully imprinted by the mother upon the male child. I can’t help but wonder why society doesn’t understand why men so readily resort to expressing their emotions physically, when that same society has conditioned men to believe they have no valid platform for gaining unbiased recognition of their peacefully expressed emotions in a sympathetic arena.
Thanks to a great deal of counselling, I have managed to remove myself from the toxic relationship with the narcissistic mother, and even identified and neutralised some narcissistic behavioural tendencies imprinted upon me by HER.
They say behind every great man, there’s an even greater woman; shall I now feel entitled to say, behind every great narcissist man, there’s an even greater narcissist mother (did anyone mention the word “SHE”)? I rather think not; although, the statistics suggest I may be justified (that is, if I were to lower my standards of justification to those you express as acceptable, i.e. the statistics of first-hand experience).
Really, I do hope you find resolution with your narcissist situation, especially for the sake of your family. I am permanently imprinted in my very character and being, by the narcissistic SHE that reared me (not to mention the other narcissistic women by whom I’ve had the pleasure of being targeted. But that’s a story I shall have to save in response to your reply to this comment).
However, in spite of all this, I still don’t think that it gives me the right to refer to narcissists as being female (SHE) when making pejorative and damning statements in general terms about a group (THEY) that is both male and female (that would be inaccurate, misleading, and, if done deliberately, morally corrupt and deceitful).
In all sympathy, as a fellow narcissism survivor.
May your God go with you.
Some people get caught up in nonstop totally taking away the real purpose of the article, use your imagination be flexible, for what I have seen all narcissist act the same way, sometimes I've been surprised to realize the gender of the person hurt by a narcissist, it creeps me out is like they are telling the story of my life. Its incredible how consistently twisted they all are.
DeleteExactly the purpose of this blog is to bring awareness of a problem that has existed forever but never talked about. Cant we all just put the political correctness aside and talk about the true subject. I dont think some of the people commenting even realized they are using pronouns such as she or he they are just telling their story from their prospective rather they were abused by a women or man. I believe we can all be intelligent enough to know that both women and men can be a narcissist and that both men and women can be victims. What's sad is here we are most of us victims ourselves and we all know how hard it is to come forward and tell our story especially the ones who are still enduring the abuse so when they do muster up enough courage to participate (which is the first step) we get on here and attack them for not using the correct grammer in their comments boy we are showing some good support here people. Come on lets grow up and stoo that. We are no better than abusers when we do that. We could truely help someone here but if their only experience here is to get attacked they wont reach out because they get enough of that at home. If someone makes a comment and refers to his or her abuser as a he or a she lets just assume thats because the gender of this particular persons abuser is just that and lets not read any further into than that
DeleteThank you for giving me some insight on the matter. You are right about narcissistic mothers telling their sons to man up and more or less swallow their emotions as their was a newly divorced woman in our neighbord who instantly made her son the man of the house when he was only a little boy robbing him of his childhood and dumping way too many responsibilities on him. Your connection between physical abusers and their bei g raised by narcissistic mothers was an eye opener yet so obvious that I wonder why more hasn't been written on the subject. Parents need to be schooled on childrearing because children don't come with a handbook and just becausr two people can make a child it doesn't mean they know how to raise one. Best wishes in your recovery and once again thank you.
ReplyDeleteGravity has a #DominoEffect, and, like narcissism, really sucks!
ReplyDeleteI feel that the term narcissist is just thrown around too loosely these days. Every time someone breaks up (usually the person who gets dumped) they say the other person was a narcissist. They read the description of a narcissist and immediately see the person they were once in a relationship with. So maybe they are not necessarily a narcissist, maybe they just don't like or love you. If you are around someone who is self absorbed and mentally abusive, recognize it and spend as little time as possible in the presence of this person. I think we used to refer to these narcissists as con artists, liars, manipulators or users. I know some don't have the choice to distance themselves for many reasons, but being aware of someone's intentions is priceless in navigating your life. So, don't focus on the label so much, or why they are the way they are..etc. It does not matter how they got there, they are the used car salesmen of the world of psychology and you just ran the Carfax. Doesn't matter how the car was totaled...what matters is that you are no longer interested in it because you are informed. Be wary, the world is full of selfish people.
ReplyDeleteEnding my life next year...after 8+ years living with and taking care of my mom, severely cruel narcissist, and begging for help (I'm stuck under her thumb with no way to get away from her) to no avail....I'm done! There's so much I could say here, but frankly, I'm tired of being dismissed and ignored and told I'm too sensitive or that I'm exaggerating blah blah blah blah.
ReplyDelete
DeleteI really hope you don’t chose to end your life. You are not the problem. She is!!! I hope you are able to find someone to help you through this. Don’t give her the chance to play the “poor me” victim role if you end your life. Your life is worth it. Keep fighting!!!
Good article, comments by a bunch of nit picking ninnies!
ReplyDeleteThis is amazingly accurate. I was IN a relationship with a man I “accidentally” called a narcissist, or rather had narcissist tendencies. His interest in me was fading and I never knew how he felt about “us.” He made me feel special in a way no other man had. Ironically he has now made me feel like a horrible useless person he has zero respect for. When I attempted to explain my poor choice of words to explain his sudden changes, he asked to take a break from me. Said something was missing in our relationship but never told me what he needed. I took the breakup hard as it was done over the phone 5 days before Christmas. He was very non-chalant about it which hurt me further. We stopped talking about a month after it ended. Then out of the blue I received a text from him that led to a lot of flirtation and nostalgic feelings. He could text whenever but when I did I was perceived as annoying, needy, overly sensitive, irratic and wrong constantly. I was going through a very difficult time because I had to testify in court against a stranger who broke in my home and sexually assaulted me. My ex knew this but rather then simply let me go through my emotions became irate when I would text him long texts. I was trying to distract myself from the stress I was under and never insulted him just vented. He found this extremely annoying and never once took into consideration that I had to relive a trauma and my emotions were all over the place. After sentencing I sent him a message explaining what the judge said. He responded with a long paragraph about how we should limit our interactions out of respect for people we may end up dating, then the last sentence was glad sentencing went well. WTF?? I was then blocked. He would then reach out to me on words with friends and open the lines of communication again. I will spare all the details because there are too many. But over a year after the relationship ended he brought up the narcissist comment again!! This impacted him so much that he could not accept any explanation for what I was sensing. He has since said I was boring, lacked interests, communication skills, continually messed things up and then said I had low self esteem. Geez, after all of that feedback from a man who I spent 9 months with every weekend who wouldn’t?? He has no regards for my feelings ever and despite disrespecting me will always blame me somehow. He is NEVER at fault, EVER. Nor once apologized for hurting me despite me over apologizing to a fault for calling him a narcissist. Then he propositioned me for sex, and I stupidly agreed. He refused to kiss me and when I later questioned it, he said he just didn’t do that. Without asking further, he elaborated saying “kissing is special and I’m saving that for someone that’s special and means something.” I was shocked those words came out of the same man I spent an awful amount of time with and thought it was so lucky to meet a man like that. After finding someone else, I’m sure, he would say things to trigger me. I refrained from overreacting because that was another fault. Finally after being home sick with the flu I texted asking his opinion of some clothes. He called me up and screamed at me stating he didn’t care if we had history I no longer exist to him and don’t ever expect to hear from him again. I am just beginning to realize the fairytale beginning was all a lie and it’s heartbreaking. I now see everything revolved and was based on one thing, HIS NEEDS! PERIOD. He has manipulated me countless times and sadly I don’t even know who he is anymore. Do you think I am to blame or am I the victim of narcissist abuse?
ReplyDeleteSome of what you describe I would consider narcissist behavior. Im not a Dr. So to say yes forsure he is I cant. But anyone who does those things is definitely a toxic person and no one not you or anyone deserves to be treated like that. Dont you think if you were that annoying to him he would just block you. That tells me he enjoys hurting you and he leave the door open hoping you will walk back through it so he can have someone to berate. Leave this person alone and find someone who will treat you with respect like you deserve.
DeleteIf he hurts you (and I understand that he does and has), STOP all communications with him. BLOCK him and any friends who are friends with him as he is shadowing you through them. No casual questions - no trying to be friends - nothing. He feeds off of you as he needs someone to destroy at will. No sentimental feelings as they werent real with him. He is incapable of that with anyone. Stop or just continue to expect more of the same.
DeleteI have been living this for years with my daughter. Now 30 with 2 children, this behavior started at age 8. No amount of counseling helped. Now its manifested itself into an almost schizophrenic disorder. I can't count the amount of "honeymoon phases" I've gone thru.
ReplyDeleteIt is impossible to fix and at best can be managed to some degree. Sorry you have this to live with as the stress is huge. So helpless feeling to not be able to fix it.
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ReplyDeleteMy ex narcissist tried to kill me twice. Yes I went back to him, like most victims too. The first time he poisoned me and I was hospitalized for several days. That was May 2017.
ReplyDeleteIn September 2017 while on our way home from dinner he managed to open the door and shove me out of his truck at 55 miles an hour. I fractured my skull in two places and had to have emergency brain surgery.
I’m a single mom of 13-year-old twin boys and prior to the accident I Had quit my job like you said and was going to help him run his office. Needless to say I’m still waiting on disability, even though my neurologist insists that I cannot return to work.
It’s a process has been exhausting and I find myself constantly on edge. It amazes me that this man is even walking free. Also, turns out he was married.
The good news is that his wife now has the courage to face him in court as well. Apparently he tried to drown her. Hopefully between the two of us we can put them in prison where he belongs.
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ReplyDeleteI have a nacisstic mother and had a narcissistic husband. Between the two of them I was so exhausted. Eventually my husband passed waway from prostate cancer. Then the PTSD kicked in. I would dreams he was still alive and wake up terrified. I had no idea how deep the 40 years of dealing with his emotional abuse had affected me. My mom I had to disconnect from since every time I was around her, I would break out in shingles. Sad thing is I didn't learn about narcissistic personality disorder until I was 60 years old. I was trying to raise my 2 sons, be a good teacher and keep peace in my family. But ultimately it came at my expense health wise. I still cannot understand how a person can be so self absorbed and so mean to another person, but they are.
ReplyDeleteThis is him, every word of it....there's no ever having an opinion, just get to be bull dozed over and his opinion crammed down your throat at every interaction...it's demeaning.hes always right ..,I am told constantly that I am the reason everything is failing, I am a bad mom, I am a bad house keeper..can't do the dishes right, can't do the laundry right..he even drug me out of the bedroom to inform my kids that I was a scum bag
ReplyDeleteHe controls all the money in the house, and degrades me when I make dinner , or clean the house up..he will walk by me and call me names, then be a prince to my kids, when I break after not being able to handle it ..he shows the kids how crazy i am..he frequently threatens to take the kids away and kick me out..because i am a acum bag....he convinced me for years that i desrved this treatmeht ..i am depressed, i am living in this nightmare with no way or help out..all of ,y friends abd fsmily think hes the greatest guy in the world..no one believes me, i am alone...lost ...in hell..a.
I've been dealing with a female narcissist mixed with being a sociopath that is a master at gaslighting and toss in what I determined to be a Jezebel spirit. We are separated after 23 years together and raised 3 kids, whom the last one is graduating HS this year. I moved to another state but I find myself still going back to the house I own to help in times of emergencies or now a pandemic. I try to distance myself as much as possible but end up getting lured in through niceness, familiarity and sex. It all comes to sudden stop a couple of days into the visit or once whatever she wants done then I'm guilted into everything the child needs. It's difficult to find literature on female narcs and like this article you can plug in the "she" part but it really doesn't work that easy because there are differences on the way men and women think and all around general make up. Woman typically dont physically bully you. Woman are emotional creatures by makeup and are smarter on using the knowledge of emotions to manipulate and guilt.
ReplyDeleteThis is my soon to be ex wife
ReplyDeleteI think it's more common in men because we're commonly raised with abandonment and self love issues. Were raised to put up and shut up, and big boys don't cry, the world isn't fair so I don't have to be, sort of attitude. I can honestly say I'm guilty of alot of these things, subconsciously, I watch myself alot to figure myself out and I know when my ego is threatened or in disrespected in some way, my brains defense mechanism falls into some pretty complex/manipulative actions/conversations. But know that we are big children, trapped in men's bodies who haven't healed from traumas. There is only one example of a narcissist being healed in the Bible. Nebachudnezzer, god humbles him by making him eat grass with the animals and not speaking for 7yrs. I am already vegan, next step is a speech fast?
ReplyDeleteGET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. THE OLDER THEY ARE, THE WORSE THEY GET. ESCAPE AS SOON AS YOU CAN. THERE IS AND WILL NEVER BE A CURE FOR A NARSISIST.
ReplyDeleteMy ex husband has all these traits. I was married to him for 22years and had 6 children with him, thinking they would give me the love I didn't get off him.. but when they became teenagers they by learnt behaviour treated me the same as him .... no respect and swearing at me .. when the 5th started doing this it broke me and I had to leave with-£5000 after 22yrs I had to rent a two up two down and start from the beginning while head the home he bought the children cigarettes and drinks and told the boys "women were only good for one thing" they were brainwashed by him .... I have spent the last 20yrs trying to have a normal relationship with my children, I have spent a lot of days not getting out of bed and crying, but as the years have gone by I have put myself into working all the hours hiding from being hurt
ReplyDeletewow you really nailed it!
ReplyDeleteThe national statistic is 1 in 25 is a narc. Narcissism is a character disorder, NOT a mental illness. Character disorders are, however, on a spectrum, much like other mental health conditions. The character disorder spectrum starts with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, then progresses through sociopaths all the way to psychopaths. Unlike mental conditions, which are often caused by imbalances in brain chemistry, and, therefore, can often be treated with medication, character disorders are neuronally hard-wired into the brain. There is NO TREATMENT and NO CURE. THAT is why you are admonished to go NO CONTACT. These are monsters that will VERY DELIBERATELY completely destroy you just for fun. There is a reason why it is referred to as "silent murder."
ReplyDelete