This single sentence means
a lot to me. My now wife said it when I first met her, after a 26
year marriage to a narcissist who just about destroyed her. But,
this can happen to you in just a matter of months. How does the
narcissist drive you crazy?
To begin with, what I
noticed about my wife, which had been true in my marriage of my own
NX, was that her life was totally out of control. That's what gives
you that feeling of craziness....feeling that things are out of
control. And you feel that way because your life IS out of control.
It's chaotic. You have no security and are always on guard. You
walk on egg shells all the time. You're depressed. You're angry.
The feeling is one of DISPAIR.
I told my wife what I'll
tell you....you're not crazy, though the narcissist called you crazy,
and told your family and friends this as well. No, you're not
crazy....you're just reacting normally to a crazy situation. You
have a psychological injury called “narcissistic abuse syndrome”,
which has been proposed as a new diagnosis, since therapists are
seeing so much of it these days.
What having NAS means is
having some or all of the following: PTSD, nightmares, high anxiety,
flashbacks, phobias and fears, eating disorders, keeping secrets,
panic attacks, feeling numb, disassociation (standing aside and
watching yourself, feeling distant from the present reality),
depression, guilt and shame, not being able to remember some
traumatic situations (amnesia of traumatic situations), cutting or
other self harming, and, isolation and loss of contact with friends
and family.
You've become the target
of character assassination and slander...to yourself, your employer,
and your friends and family. It's like being in an emotional
hurricane of lies, hate, manipulation, and betrayal. You are so
beaten down that you feel helpless. That's LEARNED HELPLESSNESS and
is the end result of NAS. But, if you learned it, you can unlearn
it. I watched my now wife become strong, happy, and confident again.
You feel helpless because you see the narcissist as powerful and
yourself as weak, but that's what the narcissist WANTS you to
believe.
First, go no contact with
your narcX, or if you have minor children, have the absolute minimum
contact via email only, and then only respond to reasonable questions
about health, school, and visitation. These are your first
boundaries and it all begins with boundaries, starting with NO
CONTACT.
Boundaries are a statement
of what you will and won't do and will and won't tolerate. Boundaries
are not about controlling the narcissist, it's about gaining and
keeping control of YOUR OWN LIFE. You communicate your boundaries
clearly and YOU ENFORCE your boundaries. Yes, the narcissist will
have a cow, will do everything to break down your boundaries
including using others to help, and even go into a rage. If you need
to, get a restraining order.
So, hey, what's begun to
happen here? You're regaining control of your life again. You're
reversing the “out of control” feeling you used to have. It
feels good...it feels strong...it makes you smile. It's hard at
times, and frightening at times, but hang in there. And, oh yea, the
narcissist will do ANYTHING to distract you from regaining control,
including “hoovering” you.
But, here's the
thing....the narcopath HAS NO POWER TO MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING once you
are not in your exN's immediate presence. He can only manipulate you
into doing what he wants. That's why you adopt the policy I call
“Detach and Observe”. You step back inside yourself and start
observing him carefully and calmly. You state to yourself what he is
trying to do and why. Notice that this is the exact opposite of the
feelings I first described above. It's also “being in control”
of yourself and life.
Now, the narcissist FEELS
the loss of control, and that's very frustrating to him...it feels
like failure to him, weakness, and powerlessness. No wonder he
redoubles his efforts for a time. But, you maintain good boundaries
and no contact and just go on. The thing he really hates is to be
irrelevant to your life...which is why you “gray rock” him. That
means having the same emotional reaction to him as a “gray
rock”.....you show him nothing in any way.
Then, you begin to move on
with your life. You morn the loss of your innocence and the loss of
time, but do it in private or only with your most trusted friends.
It will take time, but the beginning of recovery is certainly losing
that feeling of losing your mind. You didn't get to that point over
night and you won't recover over night. But you will recover. And,
no, you're not crazy and never were. And, oh, BTW, he's not crazy
either. Just evil.
That's what has happened to me after 57 years of marriage and caring for my wife in every detail, even writing for he r as she is dyslexic ,had a bad education due to fear depend son me for all the bills and money to be paid and uses money to buy whatever she desires. No sex for years and no touching or kissing etc. Just controls me our 4 adult kids love her so do I and believe her lies ,I am really broken as I stood up to her last week & she left me high and dry don't know where she is .She has not contacted me only our kids <><
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