How a BAD LAWYER can be WORSE than NO LAWYER!
I
did NOT select the first lawyer that I met with. I saw THREE before finally
choosing the one I did. He was young and charming. He appeared to be competent.
He talked a good game...told me about what he would do for me and what he would
fight against. He DID tell me...in that FIRST conversation, that if at ANYTIME
I became "unreasonable" he would DROP me because he does not
represent "unreasonable" people.
I
saw no real problem with that...I AM REASONABLE. So I put my life, and the
lives of my children, in his hands...along with a significant chunk of money.
Money which I had been forced to BORROW.
At
our SECOND MEETING, he uttered the words that should have been my FIRST RED
FLAG. I had JUST told him about some of the evil things that the abuser had
been doing and he said...
"Well!
He is simply a NORMAL man who is terrified that he is going to lose his
children. You will see, he will CALM DOWN once he sees that this will not
happen!"
After
advising my lawyer that I was CERTAIN that he would soon see that this was NOT
a description that fit MY abuser" He looked at me with an all knowing,
patronizing grin, flashing me his straight, white teeth and made no comment.
So
it went. He kept INSISTING that he would see that I was treated fairly,
instruct me about what EVIDENCE I needed to collect and then PROCEED to CAVE on
EVERY single thing my abuser demanded.
He
asked me, in the beginning, what was the single MOST IMPORTANT thing that I
wanted...and I told him I wanted majority time share with my children.
He
stood by, without even arguing on my behalf while the abuser continued to abuse
me....with the help of an attorney who did not care about the truth, fairness
OR about what was best for the children.
With
EACH unreasonable demand MY attorney would say "That is what a GOOD lawyer
does. I would do the same thing if HE was MY client!" That never made
sense to me. I WAS HIS CLIENT and he did NOTHING to protect me.
Following are
some of the things they that he FACILITATED happening. This is the stuff of narcissistic nightmares....
- The abuser took (carted off) 70% PLUS of our marital
possessions and I never got them back. The police stated he could take
anything he wanted and I could not stop him because we were legally
married. As an example, they used my car. They assured me that he could
TAKE MY CAR and leave me without transportation and NOTHING would be done
because it was just as much HIS as MINE. From That day on I slept with the
keys around my neck on a lanyard. My lawyer stated that he thought I should “just
let him KEEP the STUFF and we would go for CASH” I never got any of the
stuff back…nor did I get any cash. He didn’t even ASK FOR ANY.
- The abuser LIVED in the marital
home for THREE MONTHS after I filed for divorce, coming and going as he
pleased, eating my food, getting dressed for dates, treating our home as a
hotel room while posting FB pictures of his new "soulmate"...and
REFUSED TO PAY ONE PENNY toward the bills. HE LIVED FOR FREE and stocked
up his money. My lawyer stated that there was no way to get him out of the house
and I just needed to grow up and deal with it. He further stated that I
would have to pay the bills ANYWAY so him being there was NOT ACTUALLY
causing any financial hardship.
- During this three month period,
while I was working two jobs, paying all the bills and he was “dating” and
paying NOTHING….he REFUSED to get out of the marital bed. He gave me the
option of SLEEPING WITH HIM…or camping on the couch. I slept on the fold
out couch for that entire three months while he was nice and comfortably “recovering”
from his DATES. Sometimes he would be gone for DAYS…but I did not DARE to
sleep in there for fear he would show up unexpectedly…so the bed was EMPTY
half the time and I was on the couch. My lawyer said he could not be concerned with such “petty
nonsense”
- During this SAME three month
period, my children were going through HELL and both of them felt the need
to sleep with me. I think they were trying to protect me…and it DID
decrease his abusive rants and threats because he did not want the kids to
hear him. SO…it was me and TWO teenaged boys, sleeping on a fold out couch…for
three months, while he slept in my king sized bed. Lawyer did not care and thought
I was “exaggerating”
- Same period, the abuser expected me
to pay his car payment and Insurance and give him gas money for his date
nights. When I refused to do that he stated that he was going to sue me
because I was SUPPOSED to continue paying the bills I had BEEN PAYING in
the marriage. EXCUSE the French…I told him to GO FUCK HIMSELF. The lawyer stated that, in
actuality, the abuser was correct but that he DOUBTED he would pursue it.
- On a couple of occasions, I
awakened to find him standing over me, staring down at me with this
creepy, blank faced grin. He stated he was “Just standing there and had
every right to do so”. This freaked everyone out. I am convinced he was
SHOWING me that he could have done ANYTHING to me and that I was
vulnerable at all times. My lawyer stated that this could not be considered to be threatening
in ANY WAY and I needed to “get a grip”
- The abuser lied in court, hiding
his income, as he is self-employed, and ended up paying NOTHING toward the
support of our children. My lawyer made NO EFFORT to show that he was hiding income because he
stated “It is impossible to prove cash income”. He told me I would have to
deal with it. He MADE NO EFFORT even to point out the OBVIOUS
INCONSISTENCIES.
- The abuser, despite paying NOTHING,
was given the right to claim one of the children as a tax exemption. The lawyer stated that he went
ahead and AGREED to this because it is ordered 100% of the time by the
judge anyway. No way to fight it!
- He slandered me continuously and told all the members of his church that I had “Tried to hire a hit man to kill him”. When I advised him that I would be suing him for slander since I am QUITE AWARE that I have NOT tried to hire a hit man….he stated he found out that it was “a mistake” but STILL left all the church members with the assumption that I am a crazed, murderous, loon. As far as I know…they STILL believe it. When I asked him why he did not tell them he was WRONG he stated “It is none of their business!” (My lawyer stated that he was no interested in this “kindergarten crap and told me I needed to grow up”)
- At FIRST- The abuser made me 100%
totally responsible for maintaining the marital home, paying all mortgage,
taxes, insurance and paying for ALL REPAIRS. He maintained rights to a
FULL 50% of the equity and the ability to watch the house like a
hawk...tormenting me in the process. My lawyer automatically agreed to this stating that “at
least I got to keep the kids in their home”
- Later- in the final divorce, the
abuser insisted that the house be sold (although he had PROMISED our
children NOT to do this) and refused to pay for half of the cost of
cleaning and preparing the house for sale. He still received a FULL 50% of
the equity. My lawyer stated
that this was the best possible outcome because it would further separate our
finances.
- The checking
account my pay checks went into was in BOTH our names. It was granted to
me in the divorce as he NEVER added anything or utilized it and I had many
auto payments coming out of it. After being TOLD that the account belonged
to me, he REPEATEDLY contacted the bank and changed the address on the
account to HIS address so he could keep tabs on my money. The bank stated
that, short of closing the account or him signing off of it…he had just as
much right to receive the statements as I did. My lawyer, again, just advised
me to just close the account and did not say ANYTHING about him purposely
breaking the court order by trying to get access to MY ACCOUNT. It seemed
to HIM that by keeping the account open…I was “nearly INVITING him to
invade my account”
- During initial mediation, when I
ABSOLUTELY refused to pay him alimony, he tried to SELL me an extra day
every two weeks, with my children, IF I paid him $1000 a month. My attorney merely CHUCKLED and
stated “If I was his attorney, I would do the same!” There was no mention
of how DESPICABLE this was or use to show that he was more concerned about
money than time with the kids.
- While he was still in the home, there were several incidents
of things BREAKING or turning up MISSING...VANDALISM, etc. Each incident
occurred WHILE he was there but was not DISCOVERED until he
was, coincidentally, GONE. At one point he
vandalized the well and I called the police. They stated he denied it and
they had no reason to think he would do such a thing. Another time he went
into the attic and vandalized equipment which belonged to the cable company.
The technician stated there WAS NO QUESTION ABOUT THE FACT THAT IT WAS
DONE PURPOSELY and that this could not have “just happened”. It REQUIRED
that the person enter the attic, crawl all the way to the other side and
PURPOSELY disconnect it. He was willing to allow my son to record these
assertions…which we did. My lawyer did not think this was pertinent.
- He would sneak into the
house, listen in on conversation, record conversations illegally and,
basically, pop out of nowhere, showing us that we could NEVER be safe. My lawyer stated he had the
right to come and go as he wanted and he did not find this at all
threatening.
- He carted off ALL THE GUNS
in the house (INCLUDING MINE- Total estimated value of guns and gun safe-
At LEAST $5000) but never failed to let us know that HE was ALWAYS
carrying a loaded gun either in his car or on his person. My lawyer stated “what do you
guns for? Let him HAVE THEM!”
- He bought the kids new cell
phones and told them that it was IMPERATIVE to their SAFETY that they
NEVER go ANYWHERE with ME without taking the phones. Told them to keep the
PHONES CHARGED at all times and told them that if they did NOT he was taking
the phones back. (My lawyer stated
that he was CERTAIN that he was only concerned that he does not lose
contact with the kids)
- He told our children that he
had “tracers on their phones” and that “they could NEVER be ANYWHERE that
he could not “get to them”. He then threatened them stating “I will KNOW
if you go to a counselor” and “YOU BETTER refuse to talk to them if your
Mom MAKES you go!” “I will ALWAYS KNOW and I want you to call ME
IMMEDIATELY and I will come and get you!” (My lawyer called THIS a different “parenting
style” and not inappropriate)
- He was CONVINCED that I was
taking them to see a counselor one day. There was no court order to FORBID
it…but stupid ME, I listened to my LAWYER who stated I should delay all
counseling until after the divorce was final. On THAT day, the abuser
REFUSED to allow me to leave the house with the children. He got between
my open door and the car, hovering over me, and badgered me about “my
plans to take the kids to therapy” and stated “If you DO, you will be
SORRY!” refused to move and allow me to leave. The kids were in the car in
a near panic and trembled for over an hour asking “What do you think he is
going to DO?!” Then, I took the kids out for dinner, to try to get them
OUT of the turmoil for a little while. He called and texted their phones
every 5-10 minutes, for the ENTIRE EVENING….demanding that they TELL HIM
WHERE THEY WERE and further scaring the shit out of them. (My lawyer FINALLY suggested
that I apply for an order to get him to leave the house…an order of
protection. He stated he DOUBTED whether it would approved…it was DENIED
because the judge said he did not “constitute a real and present danger to
me or the children)
- After THAT, I refused to
allow them to take the phones with them when we went on an outing. This
was met by THREATS to press charges against me because he had a RIGHT to
KNOW where his children were 24/7. He stated he had BOUGHT THE PHONES FOR
THE CHILDREN and I MUST allow them to carry them at all times. I told him
to show me that law and I would oblige. Of COURSE, no such law exists. (My lawyer again stated this
was “piddly crap” and refused to address it)
- He, multiple times, threatened
my adult son with physical harm by stating that he felt, falsely, "THREATENED"
(when my son was not doing anything) by him and RECORDING this…while all
the while carrying a loaded gun (after telling several people that he
would “LOVE to have an excuse to shoot the little Ni***r). (I had multiple
WITNESSES to THIS and my lawyer stated (“It is unlikely we will have to call any witnesses…anyway,
they are your family members so the court will think they are lying for
you.”)
- Called up my adult, disabled
son’s disability with SSA and FALSELY reporting that he was WORKING. THIS
was an absolute LIE, however, the burden was placed on us to DISPROVE it…and
not on him to PROVE it. This resulted in the loss of his benefits for a
period. (Regardless of the fact that the abuser TOLD OUR MINOR
CHILDREN THAT HE, did indeed, do this and He stated, in front of them,
that my family needs to learn to respect him and that my son needed to be
PUNISHED for his disrespect...) (My lawyer stated, with only the children as
witnesses, we could not PROVE he did this. Better to just let it go!)
- My lawyer talked me into
signing a TOTALLY UNFAIR divorce agreement by saying, over and OVER…”If
you do NOT sign this, as it is, HE IS GOING TO TAKE YOUR CHILDREN!” Like
an idiot…I BELIEVED HIM. I KNEW I had done nothing wrong, but I was
TERRIFIED that the court would take my children. I would have SIGNED
ANYTHING at that point. (When I complained about it to the lawyer he stated…”Well, you GOT
the kids for majority time share…you would THINK that this is what you
would be concerned about…not all this OTHER CRAP”)
POST
divorce
· He
sued me for “Contempt” accusing me of everything from hiding his belongings
that I had ALREADY GIVEN HIM…to accusing me of ALIENATING the children….AND
trying to utilize my personal BLOG (which was partially anonymous) as evidence against
me. (My attorney stated “If I was his attorney, I would do the same!”
and that I BETTER start FORCING my teen-aged children go with their Father or I
could end up in jail. He stated the court was likely to side with the abuser. The
abuser had done EVERYTHING he could think of to FORCE them to go and was unable
to as they were seeing how dirty he was playing and they began to fear him. Still,
my attorney stated that he ”KNEW darn well that I COULD MAKE THEM GO and that
would be very clear to the court as well….and that it was OBVIOUS that this was
the case”)
· Asked
that I be FORCED to pay his legal fees since I “Forced him to sue me because I
was not following the parenting plan” (My lawyer stated that this was very possibly going to be
ordered since I made more money- despite the fact that I am, basically, paying
100% for their support. He stated I needed to “be more reasonable and offer to
make it up to the abuser”)
· Asked
that I be JAILED for contempt (My lawyer stated that it was quite possible that I would be jailed if it
went before the judge and advised me to “GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED TO SETTLE outside
of court”)
This
is just a PARTIAL LISTING of what my first lawyer let them do to me without A
SINGLE WORD. When I would get frustrated, and ask why, he would tell me that I
was UNREASONABLE and shout at me, displaying anger and disrespect.
He ONCE called me a LIAR in front of
opposing counsel (not in the court room of course) and then allowed opposing
counsel to do the same….stating “It is OBVIOUS that you are lying! Even your
OWN ATTORNEY thinks so”.
In
mediation, prior to appearance for the contempt charges, (which my lawyer
insisted on even though I told him I was NOT giving the N ANYTHING ELSE
VOLUNTARILY) my OWN lawyer tried to get me to amend the contract to take away
his need to TRANSPORT the children back and forth when it was his time share.
His EXACT words were “Well! It would not HURT
you to provide transportation a little more frequently. It would be a show of
REMORSE if you volunteered”. When I told him that SHOWING REMORSE would be
ADMITTING GUILT and I was NOT GUILTY…he was uninterested in hearing that.
He
also told me, that day, that “EVERY WOMAN says her ex is a Narcissist and he just didn’t BUY IT” He
said that the “PROBLEM in the divorce was ME because I was being UNREASONABLE”
and that “HE HAD SUCCEEDED in getting me MAJORITY time share which was what I told
him was most important to me”
In actuality…the abuser OFFERED to give
me majority time share if it meant he would NOT HAVE TO FINANCIALLY SUPPORT THE
CHILDREN!
In my LAWYER’S consideration he had done
a GREAT job and I was too vindictive and unreasonable to see that!
THAT
was the day he called me a liar and started screaming at me for being “Unreasonable”
and on that day….
I had heard enough.
I SHOULD have dumped his sorry ass way
back at the beginning….but he knew what to say to make me THINK he believed me
and would fight for me…and then CONSISTENTLY FAILED to do it. I was trying to
give him the benefit of the doubt…I should NEVER have done this. This is MY
LIFE and the life of my CHILDREN we are talking about.
He
had NO CONCERN about the outcome because when it was over… he would go home and
FORGET about us!
I
stepped from an abuser at home to an abuser that I was PAYING. In SOME ways, I
think he may have been even worse…because he was taking my money and NOT DOING
what I paid him to do.
I
had no money to hire another lawyer. I was broke because I was paying to
support my children and had been forced to find, and obtain, new housing which
was VERY EXPENSIVE. My FAMILY tried DESPERATELY to convince me NOT to go to court on the contempt with this idiot lawyer. I was going to go in WITHOUT a lawyer but, in the end, knowing
that the abuser and his unscrupulous lawyer would try ANYTHING to badger me and
break me down, one of them loaned me the money to obtain new counsel.
My
NEW Lawyer seems to be a WHOLE LOT MORE “in my corner”. She BELIEVES me at
least and says, after reviewing the paper he encouraged me to sign, she stated
that I was COMPLETELY SCREWED and suggested that I might want to consider
reporting him to the bar. She has handled MANY divorce case of abused spouses..and she is QUITE WELL AWARE that NARCISSISTS DO EXIST...and the lengths to which they are willing to go to WIN. She LISTENS to me and seems to GRASP what I am trying
to get across. Most importantly, she will fight for what is important to ME.
She might make SUGGESTIONS but she understands that it is ME who will have to
live with the results.
She
assures me that I have NOT committed CONTEMPT is ANY conceivable way…with the
exception of the children refusing to go with him for a period of time. Once
the threatened to have me jailed, the kids decided to just GO. They wait for
each hour to pass until they get to come home again….but they DO GO…for now.
Since I neither told them NOT TO GO nor did I have the POWER to MAKE THEM GO…who
can tell how long they will bow down to his threats against me. I guess we will
see. I FULLY intend to make sure the JUDGE hears me say that...as I do not want to end up in court AGAIN.
At any rate, they are now 16 years old. I think it is pretty obvious that I could neither STOP THEM from going if they WANTED TO or MAKE THEM GO if they refuse. Their own Father has admitted that HE CANNOT...but expects ME TO DO SO. My new lawyer DID POINT THAT OUT out during the first hearing and she insinuated that this was RIDICULOUS.
Hey! If a big, powerful, he-man cannot force them...why assume I AM ABLE TO FORCE THEM? In the first hearing she was able to point out several inconsistencies (LIES) that he and his lawyer told...and I believe the Judge may be starting to get the picture.
With HER by my side, I am better able to relax and remain calm and composed.
My
contempt trial (part 2) is coming up this month…I will post an update about how my new
lawyer fares!
So
THAT is part of my story…and EVERY WORD of it is true.
That stupid attorney did
me GREAT HARM by showing the JUDGE that HE did not even believe me!
I could NOT
have done any worse if I had represented MYSELF and I would not have been out
$12,000…I still owe him $2000 and he has petitioned the court to make me pay
him.
My new attorney quickly pointed out that there was “no language to allow
for this in the divorce decree” and the judge said
“You are CORRECT! Too bad
for Mr. ______!”
He could STILL choose to SUE me for the money and I do NOT DOUBT
that he likely will.
I will face that when I come to it!
In closing....
Please,
Please, PLEASE, PLEASE make sure that your attorney BELIEVES you and is willing
to fight for you.
If not, change at once. I wish I had!
I had two lawyers, that did and said the same thing. I didn't get my annulment and then though the hearing happened in July.. nothing was done for 2 months all for immigration purposes..Why have a lawyer who isn't going to fight for you? How do you find them?
ReplyDeleteYou either had a P or an N lawyer
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