What are the abusers trying to gain? What is the desired pay off? You might be surprised

Each abuser is likely to have their own desired pay off....

the THING for which they endlessly SEARCH.

This may have its roots in childhood issues.

 

This is a very difficult concept because, as in nearly everything with the narcissist…it may seem to make no sense and it may be illogical. It would be EASY if all the abusers sought something tangible….like MONEY. In that case they would merely be “gold-diggers” and we can easily understand that. It may be despicable but it is within our capability to understand.

What the abusers seek can be totally intangible and it can be something very CHILDLIKE…something that a normal person could SCARCELY see the allure of. To further confound us, at times it seems that the Narcissist actually DISCARDS a target that is much more beneficial to them than the new target…in nearly every way.

If we examine it closely, we will see that the narcissist abuser is likely looking for something VERY specific and does not have the ability to see the forest because they are busy looking for a specific insect, on a specific BRANCH, of a specific tree...

Of course, the abuser is certainly willing to TAKE whatever the new victim has to GIVE…so if they start out LOOKING for ONE thing and they reap the benefits of another…it is a BONUS for them! The main “pay-off” that they initially seek is only the STARTING POINT on which they build their repertoire of abuse and manipulation.

This THING that they are looking for is, often, some unmet need or OBSESSION from childhood. Many experts agree that there is, often, some major trauma (or something they considered to be a major trauma) in their childhood. There may be other abuses, neglect or traumas in their childhood but there is likely to be ONE that stands out. The other damages become clustered around the fulfillment of this MAIN NEED…the one thing they keep searching for.

It can be hard for “normal” people to understand…especially because the abuser will OFTEN DENY the effect this incident had on them…if they tell you about it AT ALL. If you observe them, however, you can sometimes SEE the abuser reverting into childhood when discussing this trauma. Their posture, facial expresses…even the tone of voice and the words they use, as well as the level of emotion and anger, may become much more childlike when they are “retelling or reliving” this event in their mind.

Experts also agree that if this trauma or event occurred in adolescent years, the level of emotional development of the abuser often gets “stuck” at that level and they cease to mature past that time. Their emotions, and actions, effectively remain at that level throughout their lives. They remain that adolescent...angry and defiant...with the added lack of any EMPATHY to place limits on their behavior.

Case Study- Nick

For example…let’s look at Nick.

Nick was raised as the GOLDEN CHILD in a home with an overbearing, selfish, negative, overtly narcissistic mother. His father was mainly absent from the home…he worked as a salesman on the road. His mother condemned his father routinely telling her children that he was worthless and useless. She utilized her children as emotional allies and “parentified” them….particularly Nick. She ruled the home with an iron fist and controlled every aspect of her children’s behavior.

She had no tolerance for errors or mistakes and took NO RESPONSIBILITY for anything negative which happened in the home or in her marriage. Nick’s Father routinely cheated on his mother, having frequent affairs with other women. She kept them filled in on this as well, though she never attempted to leave her husband. They were moderately well off with a large home and had few financial worries. His mother never worked outside the home and had no education past high school. In all likelihood, these are some of the reasons she stayed, despite the continuous HATRED for him that she spouted and immersed the entire household, and her children, in.

The children were physically taken care of and wanted for nothing financially. What was NOT present was a sense of unconditional love. The way in which they were raised made it clear that IMPERFECTION was intolerable and the result of mistakes or transgressions was NOT the normal, reasonable consequences of error…but the withdrawal of love, affection or attention when she was displeased.

The children were STRICTLY CONTROLLED. They were allowed no privacy. She made a habit of routinely “bugging” their conversations and repeating back what was said in their rooms behind closed doors (no locks allowed). She stressed to them that they would “Never be able to hide anything from her” and that she would “ALWAYS know what they were up to even if they THOUGHT she did not”. The children, unaware of the “bugging” grew up seeing her as an all powerful, all seeing, God with some type of “magical power”.

When Nick was about 15, his father was caught committing white collar crimes and was jailed. All the assets of the family were taken away and Nick and his family were left, basically, destitute. The large home was sold and they faced financial hardship for the first time. The mother was forced to find employment for the first time.

At that time, Nick’s family was raising and keeping St. Bernard dogs. Nick LOVED those dogs and had a couple that he spent a great deal of time with. Beloved pets. The sale of the house and the decrease from a large house to a small apartment made it impossible for them to retain these dogs…and they were SOLD. This devastated Nick.

The children were able to make it through into adulthood but not in a comfortable way. Nick’s mother HATED his father for this and INCREASED the badmouthing of her husband…even after divorcing him while he was in prison, blaming him for all their issues and showing NO hint of understanding or human empathy for him whatsoever. The children never communicated with him in prison and were encouraged to HATE him and never have contact with him again.

Nick, as an adult, would tell you that NONE of this had ANY effect on him at ALL. He would tell you that he had the “best mother in the world” and would BALK at any hint that she was abusive in any way. THIS is what he internalized as “normal” and the pattern he would try to follow in raising his OWN children. In his estimation, the tactics of his mother had produced GLORIOUS RESULTS (him) and so he would go on to try to raise his children the same way.

In observing Nick, it was evident that the thing that MOST EFFECTED him, through ALL of this was the LOSS OF THE DOGS. Not the loss of his home, not the loss of his father, not the fact that his mother was forced to work for the first time. His DEVELOPMENT and maturation seemed to CEASE at the moment those dogs were sold. When he spoke of this you could nearly SEE him turn into that 15 year old boy who watched those dogs taken away. THIS colored his ENTIRE life moving forward.

IMHO….the following is a list of the things that Nick has been ENDLESSLY seeking since becoming an adult:

1. Unconditional and Absolute Love. Not the kind of unconditional love you and I discuss….but a delusional kind of love where no mistakes or abuses are even SEEN. He does not seek someone who will love him DESPITE his imperfections…he seeks someone who will believe that he HAS NO IMPERFECTIONS.
2. Absolute ADORATION and worship
3. A relationship that remains in the “madly in love” stage forever….not a relationship that grows and deepens with the years but a relationship that will maintain the “giddy in love” feelings forever. The feelings that are NORMAL in a 16 year old boy in the face of his first love, but that are IMPOSSIBLE to sustain in an adult, long-term relationship.
4. A relationship in which he will never be questioned or given any feedback that is NOT GLOWING.
5. POWER- The power to keep anyone from ever telling him what to do or take anything away from him (think- the dogs). The power to absolutely control his partner, his family and his children and to prevent any of THEM from seeing that frustrated, frightened 15/16 year old boy who lost everything and had no power to stop it.
6. FREEDOM to do as he pleases…to PLAY as he pleases…without a MOTHER to answer to.
7. The adulation and attention of EVERYONE. Family, friends and even TOTAL STRANGERS. He DEEPLY desires others to see him as strong, competent and powerful. He wants to be seen as THE BEST at whatever he chooses to do, the EXPERT, the “whisperer”.

Nick is willing to do ANYTHING to attain these goals. He does not seek great WEALTH but he MUST have the resources, and freedom, necessary to meet #6 on the list. He cannot be hampered by working for someone else, meeting someone else’s schedule or being responsible for specific things….only things he CHOOSES to be responsible for.

In his 16 year old thinking, he does not believe he should be forced to do ANYTHING he does not WANT to do and he certainly has not attained the adult maturity to self-discipline and realize that some things simply MUST BE DONE. If they MUST be done, and he does not WANT TO DO THEM, then he FULLY expects someone else to step up and take care of it. If he no longer likes his job, he feels free to quit...even if it means his partner must work multiple jobs to support him. He does not feel compelled to curb his spending in the slightest and has the expectation that his partner should, OBVIOUSLY, find SOME WAY to make the money to get him what he desires.

You might notice some things missing from the list. Things like a committed partner, someone who is faithful, someone who will be a good mother…etc. etc. In Nick’s case, considering what he is looking for, he does not require those things in, and of, themselves. He also does not require a BEAUTIFUL woman or a woman of any specific age.

What he requires is a woman who ….

• Has some (although not necessarily excessive) financial resources (or a good job)…enough to allow him to work, or not work, according to his desires…moment to moment.
• Is adoring and worshipping and who will NEVER point out his mistakes or abuses
• Will see him as PERECT and above question or reproach
• Who is MADLY, obsessively, crazy, in love with him and who will remain so FOREVER.
• Someone who will ALWAYS put him first…before herself, before her family, before her friends and even BEFORE HER CHILDREN.
• Who will take the back seat in the relationship and allow him to make all decisions. Allow him to be in total CONTROL of the relationship including sex and finances.
• Who will NEVER reject sex or refuse to participate in sex for ANY REASON, at ANY TIME.
• Who will NEVER utilize logic to take things from him (again, think dogs)…who will place, as first priority, what is important to him even if it is financially infeasible.
• Who will allow him full use and access to all financial resources and who will NEVER attempt to reign in or track his spending in any way.
• Who will never insist on him breaking away from his mother. Who will allow his mother to abuse her at will and NEVER RESPOND NEGATIVELY in any way. Who does not see their relationship in its, truly, dysfunctional reality.
• Who will immediately and unquestionably TRUST HIM even if he breaks trust, lies or cheats over and over again.
• Is respected and looked up to in his current social circle. Who will make him look good and lend an air of respectability to him inside his chosen circle. (i.e. his CURRENT chosen circle which may change frequently)
• Who will see him as her SUPERIOR in some, if not all, ways.

I do not believe that ANY WOMAN will be able to meet these requirements in the long term. Even to meet them in the SHORT TERM a woman is likely to have to have very low self-esteem, be overly passive and needy in some way. She also needs to have very few, or no, boundaries and be willing to answer to him constantly but NEVER attempt to question him at ALL. This is a TALL ORDER. One which will likely NEVER be filled.

So he goes from woman to woman…relationship to relationship…trying to FIND this woman. Often, in the very beginning of each relationship, he believes he has FOUND this woman. But, eventually, he discovers that he was mistaken because he NEVER realizes that no woman will ever be able to be EVERYTHING to him and NOTHING to herself FOREVER.

The life this woman must lead begins to damage people very quickly. They begin to lose their soul and their will to live. He then sets out to MOLD this woman. He does not care what HARM he must do to her to crunch her “into shape”.

He tries, utilizing emotional and psychological abuse, to make her SEE HIM AS GOD. To make her dependent on him. To keep her from ABANDONING HIM. His ONLY CONCERN is finding a relationship that will suit this bill. THIS is what he feels he DESERVES and he will never be satisfied with anything less than that.

When the woman FAILS to meet these REQUIREMENTS he will lash out at her in ANGER and RAGE asserting that he was "TRICKED into the relationship" because she has "CHANGED" and that she "Lied about who she was in the beginning, pretending to be something she was NOT" This may lead his partner to try DESPERATELY to be what he wants her to be but she will ALWAYS FAIL. Eventually, either she will walk away or he will DISCARD HER to go in search of the "ONE" once again.

Once she has DISSAPOINTED him and has FAILED to live up to his expectations, he RAPIDLY changes her (in the blink of an eye) into an "Enemy to be destroyed" and there is no limit to what he is willing to do, the lies he is willing to tell, the laws he is willing to BREAK...to PUNISH HER for disappointing him. She is at the receiving end of the FURY of that 15 year old boy, with the cunning and resources of a man, and the mind of a monster. The attacks are constant and EVIL in nature...and they can go on for YEARS, even AFTER he has established a NEW TARGET. He feels JUSTIFIED, by her BETRAYAL, to take everything from her if possible. To UTTERLY and COMPLETELY destroy her. It is of NO CONSEQUENCE to him if her destruction causes pain to the children. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SECONDARY.

He may, or may not, be aware of his own abusive nature….if he is, he sees that as normal based on his childhood modeling. He sees EVERYTHING he does as JUSTIFIABLE and sees ONLY the GOAL...not his method of attaining it.

He sees his children as secondary and their needs as secondary. His goal in life is to be able to control his family, JUST AS HIS MOTHER DID…and to find a woman who will allow him to become her all seeing, all powerful, GOD. Who will worship him and see him as PERFECTION personified.

He has NO INTEREST in finding a woman who is willing to accept him…warts and all. He wants a woman who is BLIND to any warts and believes that she DESERVES whatever treatment and abuse he determines is appropriate. This woman must be ready and willing to lie, cheat or steal for him on demand. The relationship he seeks is more aligned to cult leader/cult follower than to a romantic relationship.

He will NEVER settle for ANYTHING ELSE. He will keep going through life, destroying woman after woman, in an attempt to create this “Frankenstein”.

While I do believe that this is true…I do not allow my empathy for that 15/16 year old boy to excuse this behavior. The purposeful destruction of other people is NOT acceptable or excused by childhood traumas. MOST of us had SOME TYPE of childhood trauma and we do not try to FIX that by DESTROYING others.

I find this type of examination leads me to a better understanding of what forces help to create these monsters.

In no way do I believe, for a moment, that they can be changed or “helped” (since they do not desire to change and they do not think they need help).

This understanding can help us learn to deal with these people, when we are FORCED to deal with them and cannot completely avoid any contact with them. No contact is the best and safest way but it is not always possible….especially if minor children are involved.