This is not as simple as
it seems, since what the narcissist will say when love bombing may
also be said by a sincere, normal guy. However, the wording, timing,
and motivation are very, very different.
Get this....a narcopath
love bombs to get INSTANT GRATIFICATION since getting supply a
primary motivation, and love bombing gets them that, right? I
remember that sense of awe and wonder when I was love bombed. Part
of the love bombing was “mirroring”....my NX learned all about me
and became very much like that...interests, politics, faith, values,
hopes and dreams.
Now, lets face a fact.
NOBODY FALLS IN LOVE IN A FEW DATES, or a week, or even two. Nope.
Love that is love takes time. You have to get to know the person and
know them well. You need experience with them in a variety of
situations to really know them. Knowing their friends and family
helps a lot, too. Love begins from a developing appreciation of who
and what the person is.
Love does NOT imagine
perfection. Love bombing does. We all have flaws and faults. We've
all done stupid things we regret and are embarrassed about. That's
life, and any grown up adult man will know and accept that about you.
No, you don't HAVE to reveal all that. If you do, to a narcissist,
he will use it against you.
Personally, after a while,
when were becoming serious, told my beloved EVERYTHING stupid I'd
ever done that I could remember, and believe me, there was a lot to
tell, but I knew she'd be OK with that because she'd had a disastrous
marriage to “Mr. Perfect”, and so....now was happy with an
imperfect guy who treated her like gold. Another thing....since we
got to know each other extremely well, she could see from what I said
how much I'd changed over the years of my marriage to my NX. I was
never unfaithful and it was family first with me.
Time....time is the foe of
love bombing because the narcopath needs that instant gratification
from you (and others) so GRADUAL is not in the cards for him. Love
bombing is romantic overkill, not a reasonable assessment of the
person's character and values, nor even a natural attraction,
physical or personal. It's a fantasy situation without caution or
balance. It's based on DECEPTION, not appreciation. And, so, it's
temporary.
A normal romance is an
unfolding appreciation of someone who may be able a long term, even
permanent, partner who stands beside you as an equal. Love bombing
is a quest for control. It's the very same tactic used by cults and
it's object is the same....to make you a devoted disciple.
A normal relationship
creates a space for both of you to grow and flourish, and find their
deeper self. Love bombing creates an instant and captive source of
supply. Besides, narcissists have NO real self. They only have a
False Self which is based on the image they can get others to
believe, and notice that this is a serious part of love
bombing...that he seems “perfect”.
Love bombing is an extreme
and lavish show of gifts, attention, extraordinary levels of praise
and affection FOR THE TIME you've been together. Love bombing is a
blitz attack because the “need to feed” is profound in a
narcissist. The idea is to sweep you away before you can catch your
breath and get your feet on the ground, and it's like entering an
alternate universe.
Because the narcissist is
an empty shell, being without supply is almost like dying inside,
since it's the only thing that gives them reality. I once told my NX
that she should drop the constant pretense and just be herself. In
an unguarded moment, she said, “I have no idea who I am”. She
meant that she only exists in the minds of others and not within
herself. So, she put up a false and highly grandiose self for others
to see. And, that being the case, the need for supply is constant,
to avoid a feeling of emptiness.
So, love bombing occurs in
the part of the narcissistic cycle called “idealization”...that's
what love bombing is. This will be followed by devaluation and
abuse, and then, the discard.
Now, a thoughtful person,
when they meet someone they really like, is careful so as to not hurt
themselves or the other person. Let me contrast what the narcissist
does and says when love bombing, with what a normal person would do.
When my wife and I first met, I expressed appreciation for her time
and told her I really enjoyed being with her.....that I appreciated
her cooking....that this dress looks very becoming on her....that I
thought we had similar tastes in movies (but not necessarily books),
that I could tell she was a “family first” person, and I noticed,
and commented on, her kindness and considerateness to others. Notice
I was DESCRIBING THINGS SHE DOES as specific personal qualities.
What I DID NOT say was
that she was the most amazing person I'd ever met, that I was in love
with her, that we were soul mates, or that no one understood me like
she did, that she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever met, that I
wanted to marry her.....and the like.
However, and here's where
timing comes in. A year later, and two years later, I DID say things
that were very loving and romantic, but never have there been
expressions of her perfection. That would not only be untrue, it
would make her very uncomfortable. We love each other just the way
we are, warts and all, and BTW, love is like that. My words were
SPECIFIC COMPLIMENTS and also, I think, things she knew about
herself. I was telling her I noticed and appreciated them, and what
I said was sensible, given the time involved. Now, of course, I do
tell her how much I love her, but it has no ulterior motive. It's
just an expression of love, pure and simple and I don't expect to
gain anything....certainly not supply....from saying so.
I said at the beginning
that I might indeed say something like what a narcissist would say,
but it was a matter of wording, timing, and motive. My wording was
never extreme and lavish. It was specific and amounted to noticing
her good qualities. Timing....well, what I said at 1 or 2 years I
would not have said at 1 week or 2 months. And, motive....I was
seeking NOTHING in return.
I am struck with the fact
that for me, it's my now wife's happiness that matters to me most of
all, more than anything in the world. For the narcissist, it is HIS
happiness that matters most of all. The motives of two such people
could not possibly be different, and the outcomes of a relationship
with both will be entirely different, as my now wife, and I, know
quite well.
We were both love bombed.
Our exes left, then hoovered us with love bombing to get taken back.
We fell for it because it FELT SO GOOD at the moment. I think it is
very much like drugs. I feel sure, that crack makes you feel good at
the moment, and I feel just as sure that love bombing likely triggers
pleasure centers in the brain, just like drugs, and I think love
bombing is easily as addictive as drugs, and can be just as hard to
get off of.
That's why I think victims
feel this gnawing need for the narcissist after he's gone, and why
hoovering works.....you're getting a hit of love bombing again and it
feels just as good. Getting away from a narc takes a lot of
discipline, and toleration of feelings of withdrawal to boot. But,
it's oh so worth it. You will have love again, but this time, you'll
be smarter. You can do this.
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