THE NARCISSIST'S DEFENSE....GO ON THE OFFENSIVE...

OK, the narcissist is caught doing something...lying, cheating, stealing...something definitely WRONG. What's interesting is how stereotypically they react to this. The narcopath thinks that the best defense if a good offense, and it goes something like this...

*They give a surprised denial. What? How dare you accuse me of that. I'd NEVER do something like that. I'm not that kind of person. The problem is that the facts say otherwise.

*If the above doesn't work, try a about a non denial denial. I wasn't watching porn...it was a pop up. I don't have a profile on that dating site...I was just curious. They can go for your sympathy. I was feeling lonely because we haven't been close. I liked the attention because I wasn't getting the attention from you.

*Go for PROJECTION....they accuse YOU of cheating. YOU'RE lying. You're only accusing them because you're doing it. That way, the discussion gets switched from them to whether or not you're the problem.

*Threaten you and provoke you into an argument which will allow them to storm off, maybe even leaving the house for hours or days, while they wait for you to become conciliatory and ask them to come back. They hope to make you panic that you've lost the relationship/marriage, and so, shut up and live with it.

*Counter attack, ridiculing you, calling you crazy to your face and to your friends and family, burying you in an avalanche of abuse that is frightening and confusing. This is in fact a way of sewing confusion in you, your friends, and your family about who is to blame for your problems, and changing the topic from them to YOU. This or any form of diversion from the real topic...their behavior....works for the narcopath.

*Play the victim.....they've put up with so much from you. You're insanely jealous. YOU'RE abusive. You're financially irresponsible. You're arrogant and they are ever so humble and such a good person. What's wrong with you, anyway?

My NX was and is like this and so, no problem could ever get discussed and solved and no concern of mine was ever addressed. And, my NX carried this over into our divorce, using tried and true tactics. All this is incredibly frustrating to the rest of us and I have found out the hard way that there IS NO END TO IT. This is a part of their DNA.

The best thing I ever did was to minimize my contact with my NX to nearly nothing. Now that my son lives here, it's two short emails a year. Otherwise, the craziness really gets to me and I don't need that.