A question of faith

A question of Faith

Sometimes I feel like I may be a “whiner”. Each time I write on a different subject, I always seem to be saying…

 “This is the WORST thing that happened during my “psychological captivity”.

As I go through this process, I have started to recognize just HOW much this captivity, and my refusal to deal with it, has damaged my children and me. Each aspect was awful and they ALL seem devastatingly so now. So please excuse my repetition of this phrase…

One type of abuse that I had nearly TOTALLY failed to consider until very recently was the SPIRITUAL abuse. I suppose this is because I figure that I am an adult woman. My Faith in a Higher Purpose was already ingrained prior to meeting my captor.  It is normal that my Faith will be tested and may ebb…as this is just LIFE. I always KNEW that I had been given a firm footing and that my Faith would return to me.

What I FAILED to consider was that this was not true for my CHILDREN!

My Mother was deeply religious…flawed, just as we all are, but her FAITH was always present and unwavering.

For those who are not religious…I am not speaking of RELIGION. I am speaking of FAITH, wherever you may choose to place it.

·         

•        Faith in God
•        Faith in a Higher Power
•        Faith in the Universe
•        Faith in Jah
•        Faith in the Human Race
•        Faith in Karma
•        Faith in YOURSELF

It does not matter WHERE you place your FAITH…
Only that you have something to place your FAITH IN!

During my captivity…I began to place MY faith in my captor. Within just a few years that transition was complete. My faith in all other things was swept aside…even my faith in ME. I began to see HIM as the center of my universe. As I examine my magical thinking, and the delusions I HAD which resulted from this, it now seems pretty lame. 

As my faith in THESE ILLUSIONS began to wane over the last 5 years of the relationship …I was truly FLOUNDERING! 

I had FAITH in NOTHING ELSE to sustain me. I had SO COMPLETELY placed my FAITH in this “tin God” that I had no faith in anything else…so when my faith in him was shaken…I stood ALONE. My life became pointless and useless and petty and worthless. I began to see myself as SO COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT that, had I been prone to thought of suicide…that may have seemed like the best option.

Thankfully, My “Mr. Spock” often has thoughts of the illogical nature of suicide.

“So…you die and you have no more problems…but you are dead and cannot enjoy this “Problem Free” state so what is the POINT?!?”

If I was depending upon my faith in GOD to help me…that would have been bad…as I did not feel any. My TIN God was telling me I was insane, could not trust myself, damaged beyond repair, insufficient, unworthy, defective, useless…My GOD was my Captor.

So, instead, I walked around as a Zombie. I went through my day to day life in a state of numb, resolute, fugue. My only emotion was anger and even that appeared only in dealing with “outside” issues, such as employment. At home…I simply closed my eyes and forged ahead blindly. I felt totally HOPELESS and OUT OF CONTROL…Empty and drained.

THIS I did to MYSELF! 

I CHOSE to put my faith in this pompous little windbag captor!

My CHILDREN…however…had no such CHOICE. I CHOSE for them as well. THAT I deeply regret and the consequences that are being paid by those children are awful.

I cannot UNDO this…I cannot reverse time! If I BALK TOO MUCH at it now…I, once again, will appear to be a fanatic, a vindictive Bitch, a mental defective, a liar and a hypocrite.

NOW I MUST WORK SLOWLY to model faith for my children...hoping they will FIND their FAITH, in SOMETHING! I know that I cannot CHOOSE what they will put their faith IN. 

At this point, as I see it, one seems to have his faith based in HIMSELF and his intelligence…one has his FAITH based in the universe and Karma, one has his faith based in the overall existence of good people and the human race and the last (the one that worries me MOST) still has his faith based in the CAPTOR.

NONE of them profess a belief in GOD, at all. 

How can I blame them…I have modeled NO SUCH FAITH for them. While I always believed in God...God was never a consideration in our household. The only God we feared, lived for, tried to pacify was the self-professing imitation of perfection that tormented us, used us, tried so hard to turn us against each other and then, eventually, released us after he found a more "lucrative" victim on which to concentrate.

The abuser who spouts Bible verses, posts "praise God" each morning and "Thank you Father" each night... and between times commits every sin known to man and God without fear, regret, guilt or shame. One who has no empathy and seems to BELIEVE that GOD HIMSELF feels that he is worthy of being given a "pass" to do whatever "feels good" to him in the moment...including those things that are against man's laws...little things like paying taxes. 

He does not worry about this at all...because he truly feels he is ABOVE IT and too smart to be caught. 

His crimes do not merely fall into a MORALITY issue but a CRIMINAL issue as well. 

While I do not hate him, there is a part of me that hopes he will, one day, be forced to face those consequences and the danger his actions placed our family in for all those years. 

FINGERS CROSSED. 

I think a little audit by the IRS, some hefty fines, a few days in jail and the loss of his business license might just do the trick! 

LOL!

Still, in order to be happy and content... Everyone needs to have faith in SOMETHING. 

It does not matter what.

But it must be something in which faith has a chance of being deserved. At least three, of my four, sons have SOME CHANCE of having faith in something that is realistic. 

The fourth may be headed for a big FALL.

Because of all things he might have had faith in…he has selected the ONE thing that is BOUND, without a shadow of a doubt, to prove UNWORTHY of that FAITH.

It really hurts me to see that…and I feel guilt and shame for my part in it…

Still, we have marched through guilt and shame many times. Some of it we deserved to carry....much of it was thrust upon our backs by the abusers. They have no ability to accept, feel or process feelings of regret, empathy or shame. Their only "option" is to shift it onto others.

As the saying goes...I have "broad shoulders" and though I may be stooping under the weight at times...I cannot be broken. 

We cannot be truly broken anymore than the abusers can be truly unbroken.