Saturday, February 11, 2017

“Always remember…there is his side, there is her side and THEN THERE IS THE TRUTH.

Fallacy number 1-

“Always remember…there is his side, there is her side and THEN THERE IS THE TRUTH. The truth always lies somewhere in the middle”

How many times have we each repeated this? How many of us grew up believing this very strongly? Sorry to say, it is PATENTLY UNTRUE.
For example?

OK. Say you have lived in Arizona your entire live. You have never left the state for more than a short vacation. You went to school in Arizona, all the way through College. You have neither applied for college or attended any other college in any other school other than the one you graduated from in ARIZONA.

Say the abuser goes and tells many people (over a long period of time…often repeating this story several times to increase its believability), that you actually attended school in Georgia at one point. You had flunked out and did not like to talk about it because it really embarrasses you. Perhaps it was because you suffered some kind of mental breakdown. Became suicidal perhaps. Those being told this have NO REASON to question its validity. I mean “WHY would the abuser make up such an unimportant lie? What would be the purpose? None that you can see. The abuser carefully warns you NEVER to attempt to discuss this with you. The abuser warns “She is always right on the edge…and she might just be pushed over the edge. It would be CRUEL for you to bring up such a traumatic event that has no bearing on TODAY”.

Funny thing is, no one ever ASKS or CONSIDERS WHY the abuser would bring this up! If it is so traumatic and does not matter now…what was the purpose of discussing it at all?! This person is supposed to love you! Well, of COURSE! He/she is simply TRYING TO PROTECT YOU! That is the conclusion of most normal people.

Your friend casually mentions, one day, that the abuser said that you had once spent some time in Georgia. Something that you deny. Not angrily but with great conviction. You have NEVER even BEEN to Georgia! Your friend, seeing your reaction, becomes quiet, convinced that this event was very difficult for you and trying not to “push you over the edge”.

This is simply confirmation, to your friend that the abuser is correct. You are willing to lie about it….and that you are “on the edge”. Your friend may begin to decrease the time she spends with you. After all, if you cannot be honest with her about such a small thing…maybe you really do not consider her a friend.

You are now seen as a liar and a mental wreck who is apt to go “over the edge” any time.

Where does the “Truth in the middle” come into this scenario?


Wrestling with an abusive dinosaur- #1 FORWARD

Wrestling with an abusive dinosaur- how and why you can never truly WIN and it will never be OVER

Fallacies about lies and liars

There are all types of little “bits of wisdom” that we are taught regarding a lie. for most normal people among us our entire justice system is based on these beliefs. PERHAPS they ARE TRUE in most cases…or at least in SOME cases. For the unlucky among us…. a number that will continue to escalate…. These are fallacies that are used to abuse and torture us. They are used to distance our families, our children, turn these people against us and gain favor in the court. As a JOYFUL side-affect for the abuser, they are the weapon used to DESTROY OUR LIVES. It is difficult to understand this concept. It is impossible for most people to understand it until it happens to them. In the meantime, the victim faces abuse from every direction, watches their whole life crumble, and develops CPSD because it SUDDENLY becomes clear that the “good guy” does not win. The liar does not get caught. Justice does not prevail and this is accomplished (in great part) by the mass destruction of our very character. Imagine what it would be like to have your OWN FAMILY (a close family) turn on you and not believe a single thing you say. Imagine knowing that your children have been convinced that you are a liar, unstable, even INSANE/MENTALLY ILL. Imagine your children being manipulated to the point that they are willing to completely ignore what they have seen WITH THEIR OWN EYES….and imagine living in this emotional hell while having the responsibility of COMPLETE financial support (court sanctioned) of your children, the ones who think you are insane. You may work 2 or 3 jobs to barely make ends meet and then the abuser has plenty of money to supply them with the things you cannot. 

The children see that abuser of the good guy and are RAPIDLY AND DEFTLY convinced that you are a “workaholic” who works several jobs to “ESCAPE” your children because you never carded about them….and “because your other parent just LOVES to work. Gets off on it! I have been telling you, all along, that she was a crappy Mother. She makes all that money and spends it all on herself. What did SHE get you for Christmas?!!”

It is a TORTURE that is hard to describe.

I was watching an ID case tonight, where a woman was convinced, under direction of one of these people, to commit murder. Admittedly, that is extreme and I do not think I would ever have been pushed THAT FAR. Likely because the abuser would not likely be able to do commit a murder. OH NOT BECAUSE he finds it WRONG or because he feels any pity. Simply put, the abuser I dealt with is TERRIFIED of going to jail, because he FEARS OTHER MEN. He fears them to the point of hiding behind his mate, of hiding behind his own children. After being married for nearly 20 years, I can say, very CONFIDENTLY, that if he was somehow 100% certain he would NEVER be caught, I would not be here to write these truths.

So I never committed murder due to his brainwashing. All the same, I DID do things that I would NEVER have done before. I plan to reveal these things so that the whole story is known. I am not an angel. None of us are.

So, I hope you will read this with an open mind if you have been abusing a victim at the behest of the abuser. (This is called being a “Flying Monkey”). Perhaps you do not even realize you are doing it. If you have been the victim of this, you will recognize most of it immediately.

My divorce is over. Yet, knowing what I now know, I know the danger of exposing the identities of these people. I KNOW that my children will be only FURTHER convinced of my insanity. I know that would accuse me of being “unable to move on”. Chastise me for “not being able to forgive”. SHAME me for being unwilling to simply lie down and NOT WARN others (and there will be others) who are going to suffer this way. So, I inform you now that I am writing this under a pseudonym. All names have been changed as well as identifying details. It does not matter who the abuser is, or who I am. I no longer even have a thought of “winning” or “coming out on top”. Indeed, the one success I HAVE HAD is being willing to walk away from EVERYONE…including family and children…to PERHAPS have a few years of peace before I die. Not very lofty goals I guess. It becomes very important to those who experience this.

I HAVE NO solutions…I only offer understanding that the victim is NOT insane ALL THE TIME. The “really nice, church going, caring narcissist….the one who would actually be GLAD if the victim was to die (although you have been married for nearly 20 years and have children) but would NO DOUBT show up at the victims funeral in tears and full of grief… the one who, with the help of many others (many unwittingly), has you about 80% convinced that you ARE INSANE…because what others see is merely a mask. One that is VERY EFFECTIVE…and one the abuser (male or female) will rip off suddenly once you are of no further use to them.

If you are a victim sit back and understand you are not alone. If you belief you know someone who is “insane” because the abuser convinced you it was true. Think carefully and keep an open mind. NO ONE IS SAFE. Once you are around this master of disguise for an extended times, you WILL begin to see the lies and experience the evil…in short bursts. The abuser will, of course, easily convince you that you have blown everything “out of proportion”. If they are unable to do this, they will proceed to more manipulation which will begin to warp your perception of the world around you. Make you question your reality and your sanity. Failing this they may even admit that they DID whatever it is they did. But “It is still YOUR FAULT” somehow.

Keep in mind, if they become aware that you are on to them, they will resort to threatening to leave and take everything, they will threaten to make your children hate you. You will know (by this time) that the abuser WILL DO ANYTHING TO DESTROY you. No moral limits, no guilt, no shame and the ability to actually begin to BELIEVE their own lies. When you are of no further use of the abuser, and you can no longer be “controlled”. When the mask can no longer cover the evil that you, often you alone, has seen. You WILL BECOME THE ENEMY TO BE DESTROYED. You will discover that the framework is already laid. 

The LIES do not START NOW. They started on DAY ONE of your relationship and you can NEVER recover from what others believe about you

Don’t ever say I did not warn you!

Sunday, November 13, 2016

The Cult of the Family

"One-on-one or family cults are based in belief in one’s partner, parent, or teacher above all else. Generally an intimate relationship is used to manipulate and control the partner, children, or students, who believe the dominant one to have special knowledge or special powers. Often there is severe and prolonged psychological, physical, and sexual abuse. Practices and influence techniques include pleasure/pain syndrome, promoting self-blame, induced dependency, induced fear and insecurity, enforced isolation, battering and other violent acts, incest, or deprivation."

Once, when I was about 16, I became peripherally involved with a religious Cult. The cult still exists.
"The Way". I was invited to a Bible Study and a Hay Ride. The two men who were "recruiting" in my area were young and very handsome. Very charming. My interest in one of these men actually led me to go to those events.
At this age, I was still fairly independent and I was not good at "biting my tongue". I pointed out a few issues, a few inconsistencies...I was a bit too verbal and too strong. They quickly realized I was not going to be of any use to them. They turned their attention elsewhere and I escaped. At the time, I did not see it that way, did not realize how very close I had come. In retrospect, we tend to see these things.

I escaped one cult to become involved in a different kind of that was just as dangerous and one that likely harmed me far more.

Recently, I watched a documentary on NetFlix. The name of the documentary is "Holy Hell". It is about a "religious cult"... but when you watch it, it soon becomes apparent that it was not about Religion at all. It was a cult of Personality and a cult of family... the only difference is that it contained many members who were unrelated.

****IF YOUR EXPERIENCE WAS SIMILAR TO MINE, this film could be very triggering. I cannot stress strongly enough that the feelings, actions, mental distress and even sexual abuse of the members struck me very deeply and was triggering. FOR ME, it is important to see things like see that this is not an isolated experience. Many of us share experiences and support. To see one man do to 120 odd people the same thing that was done to me and my family, is eye opening.

Perhaps this is not something that you need to see in your own journey. We each progress on our own paths. Perhaps seeing this film will help someone else to process the reality and stop questioning their own perceptions. The parallels between my life and the lives of these people...the parallels between the mind control, the manipulations, the programming used to achieve the result are mind blowing.

As I watched the film my mind was hearing the words and statements of these people and thinking "Exactly!". As I watched the film, the second time, I actually wrote down the parallels. I felt their pain and I KNEW what they were feeling. While someone who had not been there might not be able to truly comprehend and understand... I DO.

At the end, I felt their regret, their pain, their confusion, their gratitude, their hatred and that remaining ambivalence. I feel it daily.

Each of our situations has similar experiences and differences. Our captivities were not all alike. The abuses we suffered were not the same. The length of abuse, the damages, the depth to which we bought into it is variable.

This video IS MY STORY....told by many strangers and regarding a man they let into their lives and made their God.

This statement, made by a very intelligent, articulate man, while tears flowed in his pain (MANY YEARS after he was no longer involved with his "master") said it all.

 “Here I was serving this man every day, carrying his chair, meeting his needs. Hating him for what he was doing. Yet I served him day after day and remained silent, and did what he said and was afraid not to do what he said. I HATED HIM! But here I was in this group, not wanting to leave. Afraid to leave. Not knowing if perhaps I was simply not aligned with God’s path. Doubting myself, doubting what I thought I was seeing. Half convinced that I was simply unworthy. I felt like I was losing my mind! Yes, I was losing my mind”

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Parable of the Two Caged Lions (AKA- Lessons in Reacting to Low Self-Esteem)

Experts say that many of our abusers lack self-esteem and this causes them to hide it with an outward show of obsessive self love and attention seeking. 

That has always puzzled me. 

It leads many of us, in an attempt to be kind, and to try to address the deeper issue, to allow ourselves to be further harmed.

To attempt to LOVE away the disease.

I BELIEVE it is often true that abusers, at the very CORE of their problem, have been made to feel worthless as young children...or to be feel that their WORTH was dependent on the way others saw them.

...but in the case of the abuser I dealt with, that self esteem issue was so deeply buried that he could not recognize it. 

No one, including him, would EVER consider his self esteem to be low. 

Whats funny about it is that heaping praises upon him does not HELP his issues but only further "feeds" his feeling of being BETTER than other people. 

On the other hand, people on the other end of the low self-esteem spectrum CAN be helped by being praised and lifted up. 

I guess that is why it is important to figure out the best way to react to someone who may, indeed, have low self esteem... to minimize the harm to ourselves and to learn that we cannot help these people by sacrificing all that we are.

The Parable of the Two Caged Lions

You enter a room in which there are two caged lions. 

Both have been beaten and starved.

You are told that, at one time, the two lions were caged together but had to be separated because Lion#1 was attacking Lion#2.

When the keeper would throw in the limited food available, Lion#1 would consume it immediately and injure Lion#2 if he tried to take even a mouth full.

Eventually, Lion#1, becoming hungry, had actually attempted to kill and eat Lion#2.

You are facing the cages. You have been given a steak to feed to each lion.

Lion#1 is thin, but beautiful. His coat shines, he paces back and forth. He has no scars. He paces back and forth at the door of the cage,  His gaze is fixed on that steak in your hand and he roars loudly. His attention focused only on getting his needs met. Angry, insistent, pawing at the bars.

Lion#2 is thin and scarred by the many attacks of Lion#1. He cringes way in the back of the cage, afraid to approach because he has been beaten by humans so many times. He looks longingly at the steak in your hand and starts to drool, but takes his eyes off you only for a second and then looks downward. Beaten, frightened, hopeless, knowing he is powerless.

When you open the cage to feed Lion #1. He POUNCES on you and disregards the steak you offer. 

Why would he want a small steak when there is a much BIGGER meal just ASKING to be taken? 

He is angry and full of hatred toward people. He is interested ONLY in feeding, in surviving. You are worthless to him as anything but a source of food, RIGHT NOW.

When you open the door to feed Lion #2, he eyes you with suspicion...hesitates to come forward. When he finally does it is typically because he is so hungry he has nothing left to lose. He FEARS you and is afraid of you...but he knows that you are not FOOD. So he grabs the steak and runs to the back of the cage to eat it.

In the end, both lions began with the same issues and both will end up with a meal....but the harm to you is very different.

They both learn different lessons from this experience....

Lion#2 learns "Maybe not every human is bad" and becomes more trusting, less fearful, more calm and patient. 
Lion#2 can be helped by kindness.

Lion#1 learns "If I just wait long enough, another person will come along for me to eat" and becomes more aggressive, more cunning, more dangerous. 
Lion #1 is incapable of being helped by kindness. He will continue to kill and consume everyone who opens that cage door.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Your Path Forward

NO one else can really know YOUR TRUTH.
No one else can tell you how to proceed
No one else knows your path or your struggles
No one else is an EXPERT on your life
No one has lived your life
No one owns your life
No one owns your voice
No one owns your truth

No matter how much knowledge another may matter how much you respect their matter if their actions worked in their life... no matter how strong someone matter how many assurances and promises they may make....


There truly is no one "correct" path. The wiser people around us realize this. It is impossible for anyone to walk in your shoes, no matter how close they have been to you. For what they have seen barely scratches the surface of what you have experienced.

It is not our job to make others understand....that is impossible.

In order to move forward we may choose to listen to others, share our truths, weigh our options... the end, only we know our path.

We must find the strength to understand that WE walk this path.
Though we may have companions and helpers and people who support us... and though we have many who tell us we are wrong, misguided or "crazy"...

Only we can decide where we are truly going and why.
Only WE have to live with the outcome.

Friday, July 8, 2016

When the Child of a Narcissist Finally Understands... They will never be accepted.

Shortly after I was discarded by the abuser, one of the twins announced that he/she was TRANSGENDERED. 

The abuser is a very VERBAL HOMOPHOBE. While I was able to accept this as his belief, and remain supportive, I SERIOUSLY advised him NOT to tell his Father. 

I truly feared what his reaction would be. 

This was his chosen "Golden Child" and I KNEW that the abuser was NOT going to accept that the one he had slated as his "Mini Me" was "imperfect". 

Truthfully, I thought perhaps it was a phase induced by the trauma of the divorce and the horrible stress we had been living second thought was that maybe he was gay and just could not accept it due to the homophobic rhetoric he was exposed to since birth. 

Of course, he refused to remain silent any longer (stating that he knew for a long time but was "afraid" to tell me while his Father was here) and he DID tell her Father. 

(Here, at home, "he" began to be referred to as "she", which is the way she is referred to in this way below).

Her Father first said I put her up to it, then said she was mentally ill, then allowed her to dress in private, during visits, but was always badgering her, making fun of her to his friends...dismissing her. LAUGHING AT HER like it was a big joke. She tolerated this in hopes that he was ACTUALLY accepting her but I KNEW BETTER. I said nothing...because I ALSO knew that she was going to find out the truth eventually. His "acceptance" was merely for the courts. The abuser THOUGHT he could "fix her". 

There WAS no TRUE acceptance. 

But I did not dash her hopes. I knew the abuser would do that eventually.

During a visit with the abuser a few months transgender child (by that time 16 years old) attempted to speak to him, rationally, about hormone blockers (which the abuser refuses to allow) and was met with the same lies, lack of acceptance and BS that he always spews. 

"It is your Mom's fault!" 

You see, he is telling our child that if I PAY to have her evaluated by an endocrinologist, pay for all the labs and fees, pay for the abuser to spend time with the endocrinologist...he will then consider allowing the blockers if I PAY FOR THEM.

BUT you see, the problem is, the abuser has already told ME that he is NEVER going to sign for this treatment. 

This is just one more way for him to make me spend money, to stress me financially to pay for something that will make NO DIFFERENCE in his decision and to make everything appear to be my fault. 

I had already told my daughter why it is USELESS to have the work up done because her Father has already STATED that he will NEVER ALLOW THE TREATMENT. I had encouraged her simply to wait until she is 18 when he will not be able to stop her. 

Again, my child does not accept the fact that her future is being controlled by her Father's intolerance and that the changes her body will go through in that period can never be reversed. 

So, the confrontation ended with an angry outburst that is TYPICAL of a frustrated 16 year old... and a complete drop of the abusers mask. 

The abuser began screaming, ranting and losing his shit, kicking our child out of his home and stating "You no longer have a Father". 

He loaded her into the car, without even contacting me first to tell me what happened, and unceremoniously discarded her on my doorstep at 11PM on a school night. 

She was shaking and nearly hysterical. She was unable to attend school the next day...unable to sleep. 

She just sat there that night, eyes full of tears but not falling down her face, curled up, holding her knees to her chest, on the floor. At first unable to speak at all and then speaking with a shaking voice full of shock and uncertainty. 

When she finally told me what happened, it turns out she was so angry she actually said (to her brother) 

"He is ruining my life. I feel like just going to the kitchen and getting a knife and killing him!"

Turns out the abuser was listening at the closed door, spying (his constant habit) and heard her. 
That was when the crap hit the fan. 

She is 5-4...barely 100 lbs...she made no attempt to actually obtain a knife. Even I COULD, physically, defend myself from her if I truly needed to...but she has NEVER been violent.. 

She was verbally releasing anger in what, she had a right to assume, was a safe environment...during a private conversation with her sibling. 

You see...its not about the abuser being physically afraid (although...that is what he maintains and that, in itself, is not something I would proudly claim....a grown man afraid of a slight, petite, 16 yr old girl. I do not know if he realizes how very idiotic and pathetic that claim is...and how quickly the court would see through it). 

IN REALITY...NO one is ALLOWED to be angry with one is ALLOWED to display any disagreement or anger at him... NO one is allowed to QUESTION HIM. No one is allowed to attempt to communicate anything to him. When HE DECIDES the conversation is is OVER. NO ONE is allowed to call him on his lies and his bullshit. Anyone who does is quickly discounted, discarded and vilified.

HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO COUNTS...always was and always will be. When it comes right down to it...when his rules were not followed, his true self comes out...and that true self is incapable of being a father because he never grew up. He discarded his child because she was no fun to play with anymore and refused to follow the "unspoken rules" and was, therefore, UNWORTHY of his love...UNWORTHY of his attention...and of no further USE to his plan.

As her REAL PARENT, I advised her that if she had said that about me, I would also have been upset. (who knows...perhaps she has..perhaps all of my children have, at one time or another, said they hated me, they wished I would die, etc...but since I do not SPY on my children and invade their privacy..I would not know would I?)

HOWEVER, I also told her that, in my opinion, her Father's reaction was not appropriate. 

I would have wanted to talk about it, to get to the root of that anger, to try to come to a solution. 

Speaking from experience...I can imagine why she was in a state of shock, so confused and afraid. I have SEEN what she likely saw in his eyes that night. I have FELT that fear and I saw it in her. I truly felt for her and I also knew that it changed her in ways that will never entirely go away. 

She has finally internalized the COLLAPSE of the delusion he had built over her entire lifetime. It is painful and life altering. 

She is not just "upset with her Father" ...this was not a "fight" or an "argument". This is not a typical confrontation between parent and child. 

Evidence of that fact lies in that this is one of the FIRST confrontations they have ever had...and her Father chose to move to the "big guns" immediately. 

His response was NOT "You are really making me ANGRY" 

but it was "Get OUT of my house!" 

She now FEARS HIM and what she FEARS he might be capable of. She no longer feels SAFE with him. I do not think that is going to go away and she most CERTAINLY is not going to "forget about it".

You see...even in the actions of the abuser he is showing that he KNOWS that  I AM THE REAL PARENT...

I am the one who has been here ALL THE TIME...

I am the one who has the responsibility to ALWAYS BE THERE for my kids...

HE only plays with them, uses them for attention (and ALWAYS HAS), when it is convenient...and then when they do not behave as he thinks they should, he ceases to act in the role of parent and becomes a childish bully. 

DISMISSING them from his presence with threats and fear. 

The next day the abuser would call her "homicidal" and "mentally ill" while speaking to her Brother. That was enough for my daughter. She refuses to have any further contact. She fears for her safety and feels very unaccepted over there. She is ridiculed, made fun of, dismissed, marginalized and treated as an abomination and a mental defective. 

He did not attempt to contact her for over a week...punishing her (in his eyes), leaving her to worry and stress. THAT was part of the plan. 

In HER eyes, the abuser was simply confirming the fact that he was not sorry, not concerned, did not care about her, her concerns or her pain. 

He waited for her to RELENT. 

Even when a normal parent and child is in a reasonable conflict, even when the parent is convinced the child is wrong... typically, it is the LOVE of the parent (for the child) that leads them to attempt to resolve the conflict as quickly as possible and minimize the damage to the relationship. 

It is NOT NORMAL to purposely increase the distress of ANYONE YOU LOVE in order to TEACH THEM A LESSON.

Can you imagine telling your minor child you are no longer their parent, kicking them out of your house in tears and NOT trying to reach them for more than a week? Then, once you finally get them on the phone...pretending as if nothing happened?

No, I would bet not.

Instead of showing any love, or even concern, the abuser waited for HER to realize SHE was "wrong". Waited for her to APOLOGIZE for being what she is and return to the pattern of being a compliant, non-questioning, emotionless possession.

NOT part of HIS plan was that the damage is done...this is not going to go away...she is not going to apologize and feed his fantasy of being the victim. She is not going to pretend this did not happen

She is DONE.

I don't think the courts can change that... no matter how many times he says "Make it so".

Monday, July 4, 2016

A question of faith

A question of Faith

Sometimes I feel like I may be a “whiner”. Each time I write on a different subject, I always seem to be saying…

 “This is the WORST thing that happened during my “psychological captivity”.

As I go through this process, I have started to recognize just HOW much this captivity, and my refusal to deal with it, has damaged my children and me. Each aspect was awful and they ALL seem devastatingly so now. So please excuse my repetition of this phrase…

One type of abuse that I had nearly TOTALLY failed to consider until very recently was the SPIRITUAL abuse. I suppose this is because I figure that I am an adult woman. My Faith in a Higher Purpose was already ingrained prior to meeting my captor.  It is normal that my Faith will be tested and may ebb…as this is just LIFE. I always KNEW that I had been given a firm footing and that my Faith would return to me.

What I FAILED to consider was that this was not true for my CHILDREN!

My Mother was deeply religious…flawed, just as we all are, but her FAITH was always present and unwavering.

For those who are not religious…I am not speaking of RELIGION. I am speaking of FAITH, wherever you may choose to place it.
  •        Faith in God
  •        Faith in a Higher Power
  •        Faith in the Universe
  •        Faith in Jah
  •        Faith in the Human Race
  •        Faith in Karma
  •        Faith in YOURSELF

It does not matter WHERE you place your FAITH…
Only that you have something to place your FAITH IN!

During my captivity…I began to place MY faith in my captor. Within just a few years that transition was complete. My faith in all other things was swept aside…even my faith in ME. I began to see HIM as the center of my universe. As I examine my magical thinking, and the delusions I HAD which resulted from this, it now seems pretty lame. 

As my faith in THESE ILLUSIONS began to wane over the last 5 years of the relationship …I was truly FLOUNDERING! 

I had FAITH in NOTHING ELSE to sustain me. I had SO COMPLETELY placed my FAITH in this “tin God” that I had no faith in anything else…so when my faith in him was shaken…I stood ALONE. My life became pointless and useless and petty and worthless. I began to see myself as SO COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT that, had I been prone to thought of suicide…that may have seemed like the best option.

Thankfully, My “Mr. Spock” often has thoughts of the illogical nature of suicide.

“So…you die and you have no more problems…but you are dead and cannot enjoy this “Problem Free” state so what is the POINT?!?”

If I was depending upon my faith in GOD to help me…that would have been bad…as I did not feel any. My TIN God was telling me I was insane, could not trust myself, damaged beyond repair, insufficient, unworthy, defective, useless…My GOD was my Captor.

So, instead, I walked around as a Zombie. I went through my day to day life in a state of numb, resolute, fugue. My only emotion was anger and even that appeared only in dealing with “outside” issues, such as employment. At home…I simply closed my eyes and forged ahead blindly. I felt totally HOPELESS and OUT OF CONTROL…Empty and drained.

THIS I did to MYSELF! 
I CHOSE to put my faith in this pompous little windbag captor!

My CHILDREN…however…had no such CHOICE. I CHOSE for them as well. THAT I deeply regret and the consequences that are being paid by those children are awful.

I cannot UNDO this…I cannot reverse time! If I BALK TOO MUCH at it now…I, once again, will appear to be a fanatic, a vindictive Bitch, a mental defective, a liar and a hypocrite.

NOW I MUST WORK SLOWLY to model faith for my children...hoping they will FIND their FAITH, in SOMETHING! I know that I cannot CHOOSE what they will put their faith IN. 

At this point, as I see it, one seems to have his faith based in HIMSELF and his intelligence…one has his FAITH based in the universe and Karma, one has his faith based in the overall existence of good people and the human race and the last (the one that worries me MOST) still has his faith based in the CAPTOR.

NONE of them profess a belief in GOD, at all. 

How can I blame them…I have modeled NO SUCH FAITH for them. While I always believed in God...God was never a consideration in our household. The only God we feared, lived for, tried to pacify was the self-professing imitation of perfection that tormented us, used us, tried so hard to turn us against each other and then, eventually, released us after he found a more "lucrative" victim on which to concentrate.

The abuser who spouts Bible verses, posts "praise God" each morning and "Thank you Father" each night... and between times commits every sin known to man and God without fear, regret, guilt or shame. One who has no empathy and seems to BELIEVE that GOD HIMSELF feels that he is worthy of being given a "pass" to do whatever "feels good" to him in the moment...including those things that are against man's laws...little things like paying taxes. 

He does not worry about this at all...because he truly feels he is ABOVE IT and too smart to be caught. 

His crimes do not merely fall into a MORALITY issue but a CRIMINAL issue as well. 

While I do not hate him, there is a part of me that hopes he will, one day, be forced to face those consequences and the danger his actions placed our family in for all those years. 


I think a little audit by the IRS, some hefty fines, a few days in jail and the loss of his business license might just do the trick! 


Still, in order to be happy and content... Everyone needs to have faith in SOMETHING. 

It does not matter what.

But it must be something in which faith has a chance of being deserved. At least three, of my four, sons have SOME CHANCE of having faith in something that is realistic. 

The fourth may be headed for a big FALL.

Because of all things he might have had faith in…he has selected the ONE thing that is BOUND, without a shadow of a doubt, to prove UNWORTHY of that FAITH.

It really hurts me to see that…and I feel guilt and shame for my part in it…

Still, we have marched through guilt and shame many times. Some of it we deserved to carry....much of it was thrust upon our backs by the abusers. They have no ability to accept, feel or process feelings of regret, empathy or shame. Their only "option" is to shift it onto others.

As the saying goes...I have "broad shoulders" and though I may be stooping under the weight at times...I cannot be broken. 

We cannot be truly broken anymore than the abusers can be truly unbroken.