The Cult of the Family

"One-on-one or family cults are based in belief in one’s partner, parent, or teacher above all else. Generally an intimate relationship is used to manipulate and control the partner, children, or students, who believe the dominant one to have special knowledge or special powers. Often there is severe and prolonged psychological, physical, and sexual abuse. Practices and influence techniques include pleasure/pain syndrome, promoting self-blame, induced dependency, induced fear and insecurity, enforced isolation, battering and other violent acts, incest, or deprivation."

Once, when I was about 16, I became peripherally involved with a religious Cult. The cult still exists.
"The Way". I was invited to a Bible Study and a Hay Ride. The two men who were "recruiting" in my area were young and very handsome. Very charming. My interest in one of these men actually led me to go to those events.
At this age, I was still fairly independent and I was not good at "biting my tongue". I pointed out a few issues, a few inconsistencies...I was a bit too verbal and too strong. They quickly realized I was not going to be of any use to them. They turned their attention elsewhere and I escaped. At the time, I did not see it that way, did not realize how very close I had come. In retrospect, we tend to see these things.

I escaped one cult to become involved in a different kind of cult...one that was just as dangerous and one that likely harmed me far more.

Recently, I watched a documentary on NetFlix. The name of the documentary is "Holy Hell". It is about a "religious cult"... but when you watch it, it soon becomes apparent that it was not about Religion at all. It was a cult of Personality and a cult of family... the only difference is that it contained many members who were unrelated.

****IF YOUR EXPERIENCE WAS SIMILAR TO MINE, this film could be very triggering. I cannot stress strongly enough that the feelings, actions, mental distress and even sexual abuse of the members struck me very deeply and was triggering. FOR ME, it is important to see things like this...to see that this is not an isolated experience. Many of us share experiences and support. To see one man do to 120 odd people the same thing that was done to me and my family, is eye opening.

Perhaps this is not something that you need to see in your own journey. We each progress on our own paths. Perhaps seeing this film will help someone else to process the reality and stop questioning their own perceptions. The parallels between my life and the lives of these people...the parallels between the mind control, the manipulations, the programming used to achieve the result are mind blowing.

As I watched the film my mind was hearing the words and statements of these people and thinking "Exactly!". As I watched the film, the second time, I actually wrote down the parallels. I felt their pain and I KNEW what they were feeling. While someone who had not been there might not be able to truly comprehend and understand... I DO.

At the end, I felt their regret, their pain, their confusion, their gratitude, their hatred and that remaining ambivalence. I feel it daily.

Each of our situations has similar experiences and differences. Our captivities were not all alike. The abuses we suffered were not the same. The length of abuse, the damages, the depth to which we bought into it is variable.

This video IS MY STORY....told by many strangers and regarding a man they let into their lives and made their God.

This statement, made by a very intelligent, articulate man, while tears flowed in his pain (MANY YEARS after he was no longer involved with his "master") said it all.

 “Here I was serving this man every day, carrying his chair, meeting his needs. Hating him for what he was doing. Yet I served him day after day and remained silent, and did what he said and was afraid not to do what he said. I HATED HIM! But here I was in this group, not wanting to leave. Afraid to leave. Not knowing if perhaps I was simply not aligned with God’s path. Doubting myself, doubting what I thought I was seeing. Half convinced that I was simply unworthy. I felt like I was losing my mind! Yes, I was losing my mind”

Parable of the Two Caged Lions (AKA- Lessons in Reacting to Low Self-Esteem)

Experts say that many of our abusers lack self-esteem and this causes them to hide it with an outward show of obsessive self love and attention seeking. 

That has always puzzled me. 

It leads many of us, in an attempt to be kind, and to try to address the deeper issue, to allow ourselves to be further harmed.

To attempt to LOVE away the disease.

I BELIEVE it is often true that abusers, at the very CORE of their problem, have been made to feel worthless as young children...or to be feel that their WORTH was dependent on the way others saw them.

...but in the case of the abuser I dealt with, that self esteem issue was so deeply buried that he could not recognize it. 

No one, including him, would EVER consider his self esteem to be low. 

Whats funny about it is that heaping praises upon him does not HELP his issues but only further "feeds" his feeling of being BETTER than other people. 

On the other hand, people on the other end of the low self-esteem spectrum CAN be helped by being praised and lifted up. 

I guess that is why it is important to figure out the best way to react to someone who may, indeed, have low self esteem... to minimize the harm to ourselves and to learn that we cannot help these people by sacrificing all that we are.

The Parable of the Two Caged Lions

You enter a room in which there are two caged lions. 

Both have been beaten and starved.

You are told that, at one time, the two lions were caged together but had to be separated because Lion#1 was attacking Lion#2.

When the keeper would throw in the limited food available, Lion#1 would consume it immediately and injure Lion#2 if he tried to take even a mouth full.

Eventually, Lion#1, becoming hungry, had actually attempted to kill and eat Lion#2.

You are facing the cages. You have been given a steak to feed to each lion.

Lion#1 is thin, but beautiful. His coat shines, he paces back and forth. He has no scars. He paces back and forth at the door of the cage,  His gaze is fixed on that steak in your hand and he roars loudly. His attention focused only on getting his needs met. Angry, insistent, pawing at the bars.

Lion#2 is thin and scarred by the many attacks of Lion#1. He cringes way in the back of the cage, afraid to approach because he has been beaten by humans so many times. He looks longingly at the steak in your hand and starts to drool, but takes his eyes off you only for a second and then looks downward. Beaten, frightened, hopeless, knowing he is powerless.

When you open the cage to feed Lion #1. He POUNCES on you and disregards the steak you offer. 

Why would he want a small steak when there is a much BIGGER meal just ASKING to be taken? 

He is angry and full of hatred toward people. He is interested ONLY in feeding, in surviving. You are worthless to him as anything but a source of food, RIGHT NOW.

When you open the door to feed Lion #2, he eyes you with suspicion...hesitates to come forward. When he finally does it is typically because he is so hungry he has nothing left to lose. He FEARS you and is afraid of you...but he knows that you are not FOOD. So he grabs the steak and runs to the back of the cage to eat it.

In the end, both lions began with the same issues and both will end up with a meal....but the harm to you is very different.

They both learn different lessons from this experience....

Lion#2 learns "Maybe not every human is bad" and becomes more trusting, less fearful, more calm and patient. 

Lion#2 can be helped by kindness.

Lion#1 learns "If I just wait long enough, another person will come along for me to eat" and becomes more aggressive, more cunning, more dangerous. 
Lion #1 is incapable of being helped by kindness. He will continue to kill and consume everyone who opens that cage door.

Your Path Forward

NO one else can really know YOUR TRUTH.

No one else can tell you how to proceed

No one else knows your path or your struggles

No one else is an EXPERT on your life

No one has lived your life

No one owns your life

No one owns your voice

No one owns your truth

No matter how much knowledge another may have...no matter how much you respect their opinion...no matter if their actions worked in their life... no matter how strong someone appears...no matter how many assurances and promises they may make....

IN THE END YOU MUST WALK YOUR PATH,

PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKES,

LIVE WITH YOUR TRUTHS.

There truly is no one "correct" path. The wiser people around us realize this. It is impossible for anyone to walk in your shoes, no matter how close they have been to you. For what they have seen barely scratches the surface of what you have experienced.

It is not our job to make others understand....that is impossible.

In order to move forward we may choose to listen to others, share our truths, weigh our options...

BUT...in the end, only we know our path.

We must find the strength to understand that WE walk this path.

Though we may have companions and helpers and people who support us... and though we have many who tell us we are wrong, misguided or "crazy"...

Only we can decide where we are truly going and why.

Only WE have to live with the outcome.

When the Child of a Narcissist Finally Understands... They will never be accepted.

Shortly after I was discarded by the abuser, one of the twins announced that he/she was TRANSGENDERED. 

The abuser is a very VERBAL HOMOPHOBE. While I was able to accept this as his belief, and remain supportive, I SERIOUSLY advised him NOT to tell his Father. 

I truly feared what his reaction would be. 

This was his chosen "Golden Child" and I KNEW that the abuser was NOT going to accept that the one he had slated as his "Mini Me" was "imperfect". 

Truthfully, I thought perhaps it was a phase induced by the trauma of the divorce and the horrible stress we had been living under....my second thought was that maybe he was gay and just could not accept it due to the homophobic rhetoric he was exposed to since birth. 

Of course, he refused to remain silent any longer (stating that he knew for a long time but was "afraid" to tell me while his Father was here) and he DID tell her Father. 

(Here, at home, "he" began to be referred to as "she", which is the way she is referred to in this way below).

Her Father first said I put her up to it, then said she was mentally ill, then allowed her to dress in private, during visits, but was always badgering her, making fun of her to his friends...dismissing her. LAUGHING AT HER like it was a big joke. She tolerated this in hopes that he was ACTUALLY accepting her but I KNEW BETTER. I said nothing...because I ALSO knew that she was going to find out the truth eventually. His "acceptance" was merely for the courts. The abuser THOUGHT he could "fix her". 

There WAS no TRUE acceptance. 

But I did not dash her hopes. I knew the abuser would do that eventually.

During a visit with the abuser a few months ago...my transgender child (by that time 16 years old) attempted to speak to him, rationally, about hormone blockers (which the abuser refuses to allow) and was met with the same lies, lack of acceptance and BS that he always spews. 

"It is your Mom's fault!" 

You see, he is telling our child that if I PAY to have her evaluated by an endocrinologist, pay for all the labs and fees, pay for the abuser to spend time with the endocrinologist...he will then consider allowing the blockers if I PAY FOR THEM.

BUT you see, the problem is, the abuser has already told ME that he is NEVER going to sign for this treatment. 

This is just one more way for him to make me spend money, to stress me financially to pay for something that will make NO DIFFERENCE in his decision and to make everything appear to be my fault. 

I had already told my daughter why it is USELESS to have the work up done because her Father has already STATED that he will NEVER ALLOW THE TREATMENT. I had encouraged her simply to wait until she is 18 when he will not be able to stop her. 

Again, my child does not accept the fact that her future is being controlled by her Father's intolerance and that the changes her body will go through in that period can never be reversed. 

So, the confrontation ended with an angry outburst that is TYPICAL of a frustrated 16 year old... and a complete drop of the abusers mask. 

The abuser began screaming, ranting and losing his shit, kicking our child out of his home and stating "You no longer have a Father". 

He loaded her into the car, without even contacting me first to tell me what happened, and unceremoniously discarded her on my doorstep at 11PM on a school night. 

She was shaking and nearly hysterical. She was unable to attend school the next day...unable to sleep. 

She just sat there that night, eyes full of tears but not falling down her face, curled up, holding her knees to her chest, on the floor. At first unable to speak at all and then speaking with a shaking voice full of shock and uncertainty. 

When she finally told me what happened, it turns out she was so angry she actually said (to her brother) 

"He is ruining my life. I feel like just going to the kitchen and getting a knife and killing him!"

Turns out the abuser was listening at the closed door, spying (his constant habit) and heard her. 
That was when the crap hit the fan. 

She is 5-4...barely 100 lbs...she made no attempt to actually obtain a knife. Even I COULD, physically, defend myself from her if I truly needed to...but she has NEVER been violent.. 

She was verbally releasing anger in what, she had a right to assume, was a safe environment...during a private conversation with her sibling. 

You see...its not about the abuser being physically afraid (although...that is what he maintains and that, in itself, is not something I would proudly claim....a grown man afraid of a slight, petite, 16 yr old girl. I do not know if he realizes how very idiotic and pathetic that claim is...and how quickly the court would see through it). 

IN REALITY...NO one is ALLOWED to be angry with him...no one is ALLOWED to display any disagreement or anger at him... NO one is allowed to QUESTION HIM. No one is allowed to attempt to communicate anything to him. When HE DECIDES the conversation is over...it is OVER. NO ONE is allowed to call him on his lies and his bullshit. Anyone who does is quickly discounted, discarded and vilified.

HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO COUNTS...always was and always will be. When it comes right down to it...when his rules were not followed, his true self comes out...and that true self is incapable of being a father because he never grew up. He discarded his child because she was no fun to play with anymore and refused to follow the "unspoken rules" and was, therefore, UNWORTHY of his love...UNWORTHY of his attention...and of no further USE to his plan.

As her REAL PARENT, I advised her that if she had said that about me, I would also have been upset. (who knows...perhaps she has..perhaps all of my children have, at one time or another, said they hated me, they wished I would die, etc...but since I do not SPY on my children and invade their privacy..I would not know would I?)

HOWEVER, I also told her that, in my opinion, her Father's reaction was not appropriate. 

I would have wanted to talk about it, to get to the root of that anger, to try to come to a solution. 
THAT IS WHAT A PARENT DOES. 

Speaking from experience...I can imagine why she was in a state of shock, so confused and afraid. I have SEEN what she likely saw in his eyes that night. I have FELT that fear and I saw it in her. I truly felt for her and I also knew that it changed her in ways that will never entirely go away. 

She has finally internalized the COLLAPSE of the delusion he had built over her entire lifetime. It is painful and life altering. 

She is not just "upset with her Father" ...this was not a "fight" or an "argument". This is not a typical confrontation between parent and child. 

Evidence of that fact lies in that this is one of the FIRST confrontations they have ever had...and her Father chose to move to the "big guns" immediately. 

His response was NOT "You are really making me ANGRY" 

but it was "Get OUT of my house!" 

She now FEARS HIM and what she FEARS he might be capable of. She no longer feels SAFE with him. I do not think that is going to go away and she most CERTAINLY is not going to "forget about it".

You see...even in the actions of the abuser he is showing that he KNOWS that  I AM THE REAL PARENT...

I am the one who has been here ALL THE TIME...

I am the one who has the responsibility to ALWAYS BE THERE for my kids...

HE only plays with them, uses them for attention (and ALWAYS HAS), when it is convenient...and then when they do not behave as he thinks they should, he ceases to act in the role of parent and becomes a childish bully. 

DISMISSING them from his presence with threats and fear. 

The next day the abuser would call her "homicidal" and "mentally ill" while speaking to her Brother. That was enough for my daughter. She refuses to have any further contact. She fears for her safety and feels very unaccepted over there. She is ridiculed, made fun of, dismissed, marginalized and treated as an abomination and a mental defective. 

He did not attempt to contact her for over a week...punishing her (in his eyes), leaving her to worry and stress. THAT was part of the plan. 

In HER eyes, the abuser was simply confirming the fact that he was not sorry, not concerned, did not care about her, her concerns or her pain. 

He waited for her to RELENT. 

Even when a normal parent and child is in a reasonable conflict, even when the parent is convinced the child is wrong... typically, it is the LOVE of the parent (for the child) that leads them to attempt to resolve the conflict as quickly as possible and minimize the damage to the relationship. 

It is NOT NORMAL to purposely increase the distress of ANYONE YOU LOVE in order to TEACH THEM A LESSON.

Can you imagine telling your minor child you are no longer their parent, kicking them out of your house in tears and NOT trying to reach them for more than a week? Then, once you finally get them on the phone...pretending as if nothing happened?

No, I would bet not.

Instead of showing any love, or even concern, the abuser waited for HER to realize SHE was "wrong". Waited for her to APOLOGIZE for being what she is and return to the pattern of being a compliant, non-questioning, emotionless possession.

NOT part of HIS plan was that the damage is done...this is not going to go away...she is not going to apologize and feed his fantasy of being the victim. She is not going to pretend this did not happen

She is DONE.

I don't think the courts can change that... no matter how many times he says "Make it so".

A question of faith

A question of Faith

Sometimes I feel like I may be a “whiner”. Each time I write on a different subject, I always seem to be saying…

 “This is the WORST thing that happened during my “psychological captivity”.

As I go through this process, I have started to recognize just HOW much this captivity, and my refusal to deal with it, has damaged my children and me. Each aspect was awful and they ALL seem devastatingly so now. So please excuse my repetition of this phrase…

One type of abuse that I had nearly TOTALLY failed to consider until very recently was the SPIRITUAL abuse. I suppose this is because I figure that I am an adult woman. My Faith in a Higher Purpose was already ingrained prior to meeting my captor.  It is normal that my Faith will be tested and may ebb…as this is just LIFE. I always KNEW that I had been given a firm footing and that my Faith would return to me.

What I FAILED to consider was that this was not true for my CHILDREN!

My Mother was deeply religious…flawed, just as we all are, but her FAITH was always present and unwavering.

For those who are not religious…I am not speaking of RELIGION. I am speaking of FAITH, wherever you may choose to place it.

·         

•        Faith in God
•        Faith in a Higher Power
•        Faith in the Universe
•        Faith in Jah
•        Faith in the Human Race
•        Faith in Karma
•        Faith in YOURSELF

It does not matter WHERE you place your FAITH…
Only that you have something to place your FAITH IN!

During my captivity…I began to place MY faith in my captor. Within just a few years that transition was complete. My faith in all other things was swept aside…even my faith in ME. I began to see HIM as the center of my universe. As I examine my magical thinking, and the delusions I HAD which resulted from this, it now seems pretty lame. 

As my faith in THESE ILLUSIONS began to wane over the last 5 years of the relationship …I was truly FLOUNDERING! 

I had FAITH in NOTHING ELSE to sustain me. I had SO COMPLETELY placed my FAITH in this “tin God” that I had no faith in anything else…so when my faith in him was shaken…I stood ALONE. My life became pointless and useless and petty and worthless. I began to see myself as SO COSMICALLY INSIGNIFICANT that, had I been prone to thought of suicide…that may have seemed like the best option.

Thankfully, My “Mr. Spock” often has thoughts of the illogical nature of suicide.

“So…you die and you have no more problems…but you are dead and cannot enjoy this “Problem Free” state so what is the POINT?!?”

If I was depending upon my faith in GOD to help me…that would have been bad…as I did not feel any. My TIN God was telling me I was insane, could not trust myself, damaged beyond repair, insufficient, unworthy, defective, useless…My GOD was my Captor.

So, instead, I walked around as a Zombie. I went through my day to day life in a state of numb, resolute, fugue. My only emotion was anger and even that appeared only in dealing with “outside” issues, such as employment. At home…I simply closed my eyes and forged ahead blindly. I felt totally HOPELESS and OUT OF CONTROL…Empty and drained.

THIS I did to MYSELF! 

I CHOSE to put my faith in this pompous little windbag captor!

My CHILDREN…however…had no such CHOICE. I CHOSE for them as well. THAT I deeply regret and the consequences that are being paid by those children are awful.

I cannot UNDO this…I cannot reverse time! If I BALK TOO MUCH at it now…I, once again, will appear to be a fanatic, a vindictive Bitch, a mental defective, a liar and a hypocrite.

NOW I MUST WORK SLOWLY to model faith for my children...hoping they will FIND their FAITH, in SOMETHING! I know that I cannot CHOOSE what they will put their faith IN. 

At this point, as I see it, one seems to have his faith based in HIMSELF and his intelligence…one has his FAITH based in the universe and Karma, one has his faith based in the overall existence of good people and the human race and the last (the one that worries me MOST) still has his faith based in the CAPTOR.

NONE of them profess a belief in GOD, at all. 

How can I blame them…I have modeled NO SUCH FAITH for them. While I always believed in God...God was never a consideration in our household. The only God we feared, lived for, tried to pacify was the self-professing imitation of perfection that tormented us, used us, tried so hard to turn us against each other and then, eventually, released us after he found a more "lucrative" victim on which to concentrate.

The abuser who spouts Bible verses, posts "praise God" each morning and "Thank you Father" each night... and between times commits every sin known to man and God without fear, regret, guilt or shame. One who has no empathy and seems to BELIEVE that GOD HIMSELF feels that he is worthy of being given a "pass" to do whatever "feels good" to him in the moment...including those things that are against man's laws...little things like paying taxes. 

He does not worry about this at all...because he truly feels he is ABOVE IT and too smart to be caught. 

His crimes do not merely fall into a MORALITY issue but a CRIMINAL issue as well. 

While I do not hate him, there is a part of me that hopes he will, one day, be forced to face those consequences and the danger his actions placed our family in for all those years. 

FINGERS CROSSED. 

I think a little audit by the IRS, some hefty fines, a few days in jail and the loss of his business license might just do the trick! 

LOL!

Still, in order to be happy and content... Everyone needs to have faith in SOMETHING. 

It does not matter what.

But it must be something in which faith has a chance of being deserved. At least three, of my four, sons have SOME CHANCE of having faith in something that is realistic. 

The fourth may be headed for a big FALL.

Because of all things he might have had faith in…he has selected the ONE thing that is BOUND, without a shadow of a doubt, to prove UNWORTHY of that FAITH.

It really hurts me to see that…and I feel guilt and shame for my part in it…

Still, we have marched through guilt and shame many times. Some of it we deserved to carry....much of it was thrust upon our backs by the abusers. They have no ability to accept, feel or process feelings of regret, empathy or shame. Their only "option" is to shift it onto others.

As the saying goes...I have "broad shoulders" and though I may be stooping under the weight at times...I cannot be broken. 

We cannot be truly broken anymore than the abusers can be truly unbroken.

MY 21 YEAR HELL

By Elizabeth Milton 

 

I was perfect for him and everything he wanted in a wife. I had the perfect body and hair. He could hardly keep his hands off me. I was the one he had vowed to wait for. He listened attentively as I gave him every detail of my difficult childhood, my hopes, and my dreams. It was as if he could read my mind and know what I wanted in a man. 

 

I wanted a Christmas wedding and he didn’t want to wait another year so we married 13 months after we met. I saw some problems. He sometimes didn’t keep planned dates, he lost his temper over minor things and he had a knack for needing to have talks with his ex. But he was so charming and always had an explanation for everything. 

 

When he asked my parents for my hand in marriage he told me they had told him I would be hard to live with. I now know he used this lie to isolate me from them and manipulate me. Later, I discovered that our first date was a deception and the first manipulation he involved me in was a triangulation between me and his ex during our dating and engagement. 

 

For a period of time he was a visitation pastor in a large church. He often sat with the sick and dying and comforted them and their families. He was viewed as the most compassionate of men and often was requested to speak at funerals.

At home it was another matter. When I miscarried, went through childbirth, or during times when I was sick and had sick children to care for he didn’t seem to care for me like he cared for others. There was the time I hemorrhaged after the birth of our third child and he was angry with me for calling his cell too often. I should have gotten someone else to take me to the hospital. 

 

Or the time I passed out and he left me covered with a blanket, lying on the floor, under the care of our three children under 8, because he couldn’t be late for work. When I was sick I could care for myself. I did not understand where my attentive man went. 

 

By our sixth anniversary he had begun his first affair. It lasted almost two years. With this began the first notable gas-lighting and projection. When I caught them at our home together he set into motion a massive manipulation that spanned three years. 

 

No less than 5 respected and well educated men were drawn into covering for him. All believed they were very good at discerning truth form lie and they all believed he was truthful. They were convinced of his innocence and praised his candor and vulnerability. 

 

I was sick with self-doubt. Why couldn’t I just trust him the way they did? Didn’t my parents tell him I‘d be hard to live with?

 

His second affair started just a year after the first ended. When he decided to end it he stole money from our tiny church and gave it to his mistress. He then concocted a detailed story of how he had intended to take the money to the bank, but lost it on his way. He even went out for hours pretending to look for it. He personally contacted and gave tearful confessions to every man in leadership over him. They all believed him and thanked him for his honesty and insisted he didn’t need to pay the church back. 

 

The visits to prostitutes started around this time. I knew something was going on, but his constant gas-lighting and projection had me convinced that I was imagining things and losing my mind. He came clean about all of his sexual indiscretions only after contracting a STD. 

 

I was crushed in a way only a victim of narcissistic abuse could understand. Being a woman of faith, I offered him a second chance (even though the church offered to support me if I chose divorce). He was weak, he said, he had been led astray by unscrupulous women, and he was desperate to prove his love for me and the kids. 

 

He went to a counsellor for most of a year and was able to convince him of his reformation. He had weekly meetings with a mentor and pastor who both became convinced that he had changed. He was congratulated for how he was able to overcome his weaknesses. He was treated like a rock star. 

 

He was love bombing me at an incredible level. I was taken with him all over again. But his at home behavior wasn’t quite the same as his public behavior. I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on. I was too lost in nightmares, pain, deepening depression, and suicidal thoughts all mingled with the feelings of being freshly in-love. 

 

And he was so changed and good. Weren’t my messed up emotions proof that I was a major contributor to our problems? 

 

Once our reconciliation and vow renewal had happened and his time of counselling was finished, he wanted to move. He chose a piece of property hours away from any family and friends. He would have a fresh start where no one would know us. He began breaking promises almost immediately. 

 

We built a little dream house and within a year of moving there he had attached himself to a respected businessman. Within three years he had convinced the man to sell us his business and train him to run it. Everyone began to refer to my husband as the son this man had never had. He became well known in town, really all over the county. 

 

Everywhere I went I met women who told me I had a real catch. He became at least two different men. There was the man we had at home and the man the public saw. 

 

In the last two years signs of infidelity began to reappear. My every suspicion was dismissed as me being untrusting and unreasonable, even with physical evidence. I had constant pain, often cried in the closet to hide my tears from the children, and hardly slept at night. 

 

Once, when I felt suicidal, I asked him to take his loaded pistols to his office or lock up the ammo. The next day his loaded .45 lay on the night stand as usual and his .357 was still hidden in a stack of my clothes. I fought the urge to believe he had done it on purpose. How could a man who loved his perfect match do something like that? 

 

He regularly switched from love bombing to cold disinterest. I never knew what I was getting. Eventually the only communication I got was icy, black eyed glares. Nothing I did met with his approval. 

 

He even began to ignore the children. Nothing they did was quite right and none of their interests were worth his time. Our more intuitive daughter started to pull out her hair. He said I was driving her to do it. That she didn’t need therapy. That I just needed to leave her alone. 

 

I was sure I was going crazy. And now I was driving my children crazy as well.

He walked out last winter, but not before beginning his smear campaign. In the days before he left I confessed to everything he accused me of. I begged and promised I get help so that I’d be easier to live with. I pleaded for him to not break up our home. He remained untouched. 

 

I had ruined his life, he said. He had never really loved me to begin with. He let our pastor know I would be coming in desperate need of therapy and that I was crazy and abusing the children. He then began to spread it to other men. He claimed he had suffered years trying to prove his love to me and I just never was satisfied. 

 

No one could have known what really went on between us or in our home, because he pretended to be an attentive father and a head over heels in love husband when he was out in public. Everyone who heard we separated was shocked. 

 

Thankfully, some of the men he tried to recruit as flying monkeys didn’t fall for his tale. They came along side of me and listened to me and began to help me understand that I needed a lawyer and fast. 

 

Our pastor encouraged me to not have any contact with my husband, because he felt he might become violent. So I started with no contact right away. My mental and physical health immediately began to improve. I feel better now than I have in a decade. 

 

After a talk with a friend I was encouraged to see a counsellor who introduced me to narcissism and narcissistic emotional abuse. For the first time I feel like I’m not the crazy, at fault person in the relationship. 

 

Five months into no/minimal contact and I am completely changed. People I’ve known for seven years say they feel they are just beginning to know the real me. I am reconnecting to family and friends. I’m discovering who I am. 

 

His leaving and our divorce is the best gift he has given me. My faith has returned as have more open relationships with people who genuinely care and are full of truth. 

 

That is all I need in this world.

The Stages of ?

The Stages of Recovery From ?

It has been quite a road. A road which I still travel. I don't know if anyone ever reaches the end. So what is it for me?

Grief?

Loss?

Abuse?

Betrayal?

None of those words fit for me...or maybe it is that that more than one do?

Grief and loss do not really fit in my situation. 

I experienced "grief" years ago. 

Grief : deep sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, heartache, heartbreak, agony, suffering, woe, dejection, despair

I LIVED with those things for too many years to count. DURING the relationship but not after it. My life was hijacked, my mind was twisted, my faith trampled, my children abused, my views distorted, my soul stolen, my sanity questioned, my support system corrupted, my self-esteem crushed and my self-assuredness demolished. THAT was the grief...this was NOT grief. 

^^^^^

Loss- the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value.

No...does not fit. What I lost was not of value and I was well aware of that.

^^^^^

Betrayal- to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty.

CERTAINLY, there was betrayal, but that betrayal was not NEW and, truth be known, I was already aware of it. Replacement with another woman was the LEAST profound of the betrayal that I experienced. I slept next to the betrayer for YEARS, in the knowledge that he was betraying me. What could be WORSE than that? 

Certainly an end to that betrayal was MUCH preferable.

^^^^^

Abuse- cruel, malicious and/or violent treatment of a person or animal.

This was happening all along. THIS meant the end of abuse not the beginning.

SO THEN, from WHAT am I recovering?

I have been thinking about it for a long time. I think that if any of those things were more true, this might be easier for me to understand. 

But I do not grieve or feel a loss. I have never wished, for one MOMENT to return to what was. I glory in my escape with my life and my sanity.

I glory in my freedom and the freedom of my children.

In my opinion, I am trying to recover from many, many years of deliberate psychological manipulation, brainwashing and gaslighting. 

I struggle with recovery from the instilled belief that I may be insane, my perceptions incorrect, being told that the world does NOT exist as I see it. 

I struggle with recovery from the instilled belief that even things I ALWAYS thought I could be certain of...the trust of family members, my intelligence, my strength, my stubborn nature, the love of my children, the way others perceived me, the belief that I was trusted, believed, respected...might not have been as certain as I thought. 

I struggle with recovery from the knowledge that there ARE people such as these people. This knowledge has changed EVERYTHING...everything about how I see, how I think, how I behave.

I struggle to deal with how very easily, they are able to fool others...to turn them...to convince them...to ruin them...to control them and to recruit them into doing EVIL things with only their mind control. 

AND I struggle with the fact that they do this without an ounce of regret, guilt or shame but with the true belief that they have every right to do so...and the knowledge that they enjoy it.

I never miss him, I never grieve for what was, I never have memories of the "good times" and I never wonder "What if?" Those things were completely erased, and all questions answered, the day that mask was removed and I saw, with clear horror, that I lived in total ignorance of what slept in my bed for 18 years.

From that day to this one...I have no desire to be in contact with him, hear his voice, see him or even be aware of his existence. 

What I am trying to recover is not FROM anything...I am simply trying to recover what I was BEFORE I was unfortunate enough to meet him.

So, if you will excuse the profanity...I am recovering from a giant, colossal, life changing mind-f*ck. 

I KNOW that I will never see anything as I did before...because you cannot UNKNOW the truth.

One thing is for certain...while I may never be quite the same...I can spot the signs of their disease in a heartbeat now. It will never happen again, of that I am certain.

I am ALIVE, growing, rediscovering what made me "me" and I will never go back to being spiritually dead. 

It is now someone else's turn to learn that horrible secret.