The Stages of ?

The Stages of Recovery From ?

It has been quite a road. A road which I still travel. I don't know if anyone ever reaches the end. So what is it for me?

Grief?

Loss?

Abuse?

Betrayal?

None of those words fit for me...or maybe it is that that more than one do?

Grief and loss do not really fit in my situation. 

I experienced "grief" years ago. 

Grief : deep sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, heartache, heartbreak, agony, suffering, woe, dejection, despair

I LIVED with those things for too many years to count. DURING the relationship but not after it. My life was hijacked, my mind was twisted, my faith trampled, my children abused, my views distorted, my soul stolen, my sanity questioned, my support system corrupted, my self-esteem crushed and my self-assuredness demolished. THAT was the grief...this was NOT grief. 

^^^^^

Loss- the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value.

No...does not fit. What I lost was not of value and I was well aware of that.

^^^^^

Betrayal- to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty.

CERTAINLY, there was betrayal, but that betrayal was not NEW and, truth be known, I was already aware of it. Replacement with another woman was the LEAST profound of the betrayal that I experienced. I slept next to the betrayer for YEARS, in the knowledge that he was betraying me. What could be WORSE than that? 

Certainly an end to that betrayal was MUCH preferable.

^^^^^

Abuse- cruel, malicious and/or violent treatment of a person or animal.

This was happening all along. THIS meant the end of abuse not the beginning.

SO THEN, from WHAT am I recovering?

I have been thinking about it for a long time. I think that if any of those things were more true, this might be easier for me to understand. 

But I do not grieve or feel a loss. I have never wished, for one MOMENT to return to what was. I glory in my escape with my life and my sanity.

I glory in my freedom and the freedom of my children.

In my opinion, I am trying to recover from many, many years of deliberate psychological manipulation, brainwashing and gaslighting. 

I struggle with recovery from the instilled belief that I may be insane, my perceptions incorrect, being told that the world does NOT exist as I see it. 

I struggle with recovery from the instilled belief that even things I ALWAYS thought I could be certain of...the trust of family members, my intelligence, my strength, my stubborn nature, the love of my children, the way others perceived me, the belief that I was trusted, believed, respected...might not have been as certain as I thought. 

I struggle with recovery from the knowledge that there ARE people such as these people. This knowledge has changed EVERYTHING...everything about how I see, how I think, how I behave.

I struggle to deal with how very easily, they are able to fool others...to turn them...to convince them...to ruin them...to control them and to recruit them into doing EVIL things with only their mind control. 

AND I struggle with the fact that they do this without an ounce of regret, guilt or shame but with the true belief that they have every right to do so...and the knowledge that they enjoy it.

I never miss him, I never grieve for what was, I never have memories of the "good times" and I never wonder "What if?" Those things were completely erased, and all questions answered, the day that mask was removed and I saw, with clear horror, that I lived in total ignorance of what slept in my bed for 18 years.

From that day to this one...I have no desire to be in contact with him, hear his voice, see him or even be aware of his existence. 

What I am trying to recover is not FROM anything...I am simply trying to recover what I was BEFORE I was unfortunate enough to meet him.

So, if you will excuse the profanity...I am recovering from a giant, colossal, life changing mind-f*ck. 

I KNOW that I will never see anything as I did before...because you cannot UNKNOW the truth.

One thing is for certain...while I may never be quite the same...I can spot the signs of their disease in a heartbeat now. It will never happen again, of that I am certain.

I am ALIVE, growing, rediscovering what made me "me" and I will never go back to being spiritually dead. 

It is now someone else's turn to learn that horrible secret.