Sunday, January 10, 2016

Why is getting back to "normal" so DIFFICULT?!

So MANY of us have to deal with people who keep asking what is WRONG with us. WHY are we stuck? Why is it so DIFFICULT to move on from a relationship that we state was ABUSIVE?! After all, if you are GLAD to be FREE why are you so UNHAPPY?

I can speak ONLY for myself here....but the picture above shows what happened to me over the course of 18 years.

If you look at each will see the representation of 100% of my attention and my energy.

Out of necessity...the "work" area can be changed ONLY in a very limited way. Most of us MUST work and we must continue to function at that energy MUST be maintained.

In column #1 you see where I was when I met the EK. Everything pretty well balanced...

In column #2 you see the "honeymoon phase" including the love bombing time. All OTHER areas of my life LOST my focus and the FIRST to go is family and friends. This is a common tactic used by a predator. ISOLATION. 
Focus on daily life and children also decreased as I ALLOWED the EK to become my MAIN FOCUS...the user of all my attention and energy. During THIS period, the EK was a POSITIVE OTHER WORDS...I CHOSE to focus on him as we were "crazy in love" (or so I thought)

As time progressed, we get to Column #3. In this column you see the MAJORITY of the 18 years. My focus continued to grow in maintaining a relationship that continued to deteriorate and become more and more abusive. The focus was no longer POSITIVE, but was a protection of my children, my family, my self. I lost energy for all else that was not NECESSARY for the SURVIVAL of myself and my children. EVERY WAKING MOMENT became ABOUT THE ABUSER. EVERY thought, every action, every decision was judged NOT on anything else but on how it would be acted upon BY THE ABUSER. 

Would it make him angry?
Would he like it?
What would he say?
What was going to be the price? (and there ALWAYS WAS A PRICE)

The entire household, and the lives of everyone in it, revolved around HIS THOUGHTS, HIS EMOTIONS, HIS RULES, HIS WHIMS.....none of the rest of us mattered at all. We lived this for more than 16 years!

When he discarded us...I was left with Column #4. 

THIS IS THE PART that others cannot understand! 
I WANTED him gone...this is TRUE...

BUT despite that fact...over the course of that 18 years I lost touch with...lost sight of....lost energy for....and IGNORED THE NEEDS OF....EVERY OTHER AREA of my life!

This is what I was left with...Column #4

Column#4 with a BIG BLACK HOLE. The main reason for MY EXISTENCE... even if it was HORRIFIC and ABUSIVE and AWFUL....was GONE. 

It was gone in a SINGLE DAY. 

NOT over a period of years...not with any warning...not with fighting and daily struggle between us. He simply DISCARDED me one day, without warning.
Just the week before he DENIED his affair....stated "we would make it some how". He gave no indication of his intention. 

No matter how dysfunctional and perverted and crazy my life was....

it was the ONLY LIFE I HAD. 

When that turmoil, that I had ALLOWED to become my ONLY REASON FOR FUNCTIONING was GONE...there was very little left.

No reason to go reason to get PURPOSE in living.

I felt like a robot that had lost its programming and I spun around in circles.

A difficult concept to grasp...why the loss of someone who caused you misery is STILL A LOSS. 

Why you do NOT want to go BACK but you do not seem to be able to move FORWARD.

Why you feel so EMPTY and unable to enjoy the freedom...and why you still live with the ghost of the feeling that you are EMPTY and USELESS.

Particularly difficult when the abuser has NO SUCH issue...and others around you think that you should be GLAD to be free (and you are)....and yet...

What you FEEL LIKE is a wounded bird. One that has been kept in a cage since a chick...treated poorly but kept alive...never learned to fly (or perhaps simply forgot HOW)...who is suddenly dumped into the world and expected to be HAPPY WITH FREEDOM but with absolutely NO SKILLS to deal with the new life you are expected to embrace....

and constantly aware that there is a PREDATOR out there stalking you...waiting for you to falter....hoping to witness your destruction and gleefully hoping to be the CAUSE OF IT.

Sound familiar?


  1. This was my life for around 17 years too. Three children, did what he said when it was told, worked when he told e to work, etc...and the list goes on and on. It's now been almost 14 years away from my abuser but it still creeps in every now and then.I have any triggers and cannot have a serious relationship with any other man from the fear that is still inside me. Maybe one day it will stop, but for now the battle still continues inside of me.

  2. I am in a relationship like this. One year in. I am financially dependent on him he owns his company. Foolishly, I fell trap to being his unpaid office manager when he fired his previous one.
    I'm a repeat offender. My ex husband and father to my 6 year old was a covert sociopath and narco. Custody battle ensued when I got the courage to leave.
    That was 4 years ago. I lost primary custody because of smear campaign and his family endless money. I was stay at home mother with no resources.
    Now I realize I'm a codependent and suffer pstd from the trauma I ensued. Therapy and prayer and my faith has been my foundAtion.

    My ( major) problem is, I had a postive pregnancy test on 3/11/2016. He's "elated".
    I'm terrified. All the last traumas I experienced with ex husband are resurfacing.

    I am terrified . I do not want to raise a child together with this man. Cheating, lies, disappearing...silent treatment, the roller coaster pattern.
    Does anyone know of a suport group that would help me sort through my co dependency , in hopes I can learn to end the cycle, assume my accountability in the situation, while braving the long yet arduous journey to self happiness and peace.
    A healthy minimally stress free pregnancy is my priority.
    Kindnes to myself and the miracle growing inside me is my goal.
    Any suggestions or support groups that you may know of would be a godsend.
    Thank you for taking the time to read.

    1. It is a long journey but if you make it, you will find peace not possible where you are. I wish you the best!