The KEY to reality and peace

I am NOT a psychologist or an "expert"...but I have spent 10 years living with an abuser (actually it was 18 years but after the FIRST 8 I could no longer pretend that he was normal) and, after much research and sharing, I have come to believe that he is one of the most CLASSIC cases of  covert narcissism that exists. Based on this I would like to say that, in my opinion, there is one major KEY to moving on and living in reality.

REALIZATION

In the beginning, we are hurt and we are angry. We see the abuser as a "dick head" or a "bitch". We attribute NORMAL emotions and capabilities to them. We see them as flawed humans...with the ability to reason, the ability to change, the ability to act honorably...but who are CHOOSING NOT TO.

OF COURSE WE DO!

This is the only thing many of us have ever seen and we are drawing on our own experience! Its all we have. None of us are perfect. MOST of us have made mistakes and wronged others. I have done things I should not have done...injuring people...even KNOWING I was injuring them. I am not proud of these things and I can easily bring myself to tears with the guilt I feel over doing them! As a normal human being...I am flawed!

How easy is it to look at them and think that they are like us...flawed, imperfect and capable of change and self reflection?

When  dealing with a TRULY disordered abuser, this is a GRAVE MISTAKE.

We, as normal people...do not like to have discord. We seek to UNDERSTAND WHY they have done the things they have done. We NATURALLY try to see what part WE played. What we DID that caused they to do these things to us!

WE WANT CLOSURE.

Perhaps we do not seek to keep them in our lives but we CERTAINLY want them to acknowledge
what they have done...admit the truth...move on with HONOR.  We want them to admit, just as most of us have, that they have made mistakes...done things which were cruel. EVEN the admission of doing these cruel things in ERROR and an apology would be good enough!

BUT THEY CONSISTENTLY DENY US THAT. We assume, at first, that they simply do not UNDERSTAND and we seek to reason, to obtain that validation....for what normal person could SEE absolute proof of something and still continue to DENY the truth?

NO! NOT JUST DENY IT...but truly BELIEVE their own lies?

A normal person usually cannot.

It cannot be forced...it takes time...and the trigger is different for everyone....
But ONE DAY, the victim SEES that the abuser they are dealing with is NOT a normal human being!

As this realization becomes fixed in your mind....and you see reality...it becomes VERY CLEAR.

They will never realize they have done something wrong...because they can JUSTIFY each action.
They will never realize their lies because they have buried them so deeply that they cannot see them.
They will never see your point because YOU are a liar.
They will never change because they see no reason.
NOTHING you can show them will be PROOF ENOUGH because they see what they want to see.
They will always see themselves as "faultless" no matter what befalls them.
They will never feel like they deserve anything that happens to them because they are ruined by others.
They will take every "negative" and turn it into a positive in their own MINDS.
They will ALWAYS CLAIM VICTORY no matter how obviously they are defeated.
KARMA may strike them...but they will NEVER see it that way and find someone else to blame.

THEY WILL continue to live in this delusion...convincing themselves that they are in TOTAL CONTROL and ALWAYS CLAIMING VICTORY...utilizing the "sweet lemons" approach until they die.

Telling them what they have lost, what they have given up, it far less than useless.
Their DELUSION IS FAR TOO STRONG.
Even if you do WIN at times they will not see it.
If you win the lottery they will say "Think of all the taxes, glad it wasn't me!"
If their children turn away from them they will BELIEVE "It is only because they were brainwashed by the ex"
If you find a healthy relationship they will say "Boy, he/she doesn't know what they are getting into"

On the day that realization is cemented in your mind...

You will see that speaking to them, arguing with them, trying to convince them of ANYTHING...even trying to HELP THEM...is a waste of time and likely to be turned around on you.


THEY ARE LOST and they don't even know it.
They will NEVER live outside their delusion and in reality.
THEY CANNOT.
There is no true person in there...the mask is all they have.


NO CONTACT (or minimal until minor children turn 18) is the only sane option in reality.


I wanted to add one more thing. Most normal people want (and expect) the terror and discord of a breakup/divorce to fade over time. THEY also expect that. The difference is, while the normal person dreams of, someday, having peace and being able to have a "normal" social relationship for the sake of adult children perhaps....the abuser wants something totally different. They cannot BE NORMAL because they are not.

One of the last things the abuser said to me was 

"I don't understand why we cannot just be friends. You are friends with your first ex husband!"

and, indeed, I am.

what I SAID to him, in anger, at the time was...

"YOU are not HALF the man he is and you never will be!"

Later...the truth came to me...and that is that my first ex was NOT a psychopath.

There will NEVER be a chance for peace or a polite "amiable" relationship between us. Despite how great that would be for our children whom I dearly love. The fact is...in reality...any contact I have with him is DANGEROUS and harmful and I will never be where he is...ever again. 

I have thought about what this means for our sons as they mature. 
What about weddings? 
The birth of children? 
Graduations? 

Because I know WHAT he is I have made a decision that this cannot be a rule I break.
They will have both parents...but there will NEVER BE CONTACT between them.

It is difficult for them to understand now as they wish for peace. One day I think they will understand. 

The person the abuser pretended to be is DEAD. I have no use for the thing that remains.

In my situation...it would be like trying to make friends with a Cobra. While he might not STRIKE every time....it only takes one time. 

He will never have that chance.

He is dead to me.