What Does "Crazy" Look Like?

For YEARS, I was accused of being "crazy"....and I finally was...

In a support group the other day, we were discussing the, VERY REAL, possibility of being diagnosed with a mental disorder based upon what you can become after long term psychological abuse. One person shared that they had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after many years in this Hell, but has made a SURPRISING 100% recovery since the abuser has been gone.

This got me thinking about what a PSYCHIATRIST would have thought about me if they had seen me for the last two years of the abuse and the first year after the discard.

NOT a pretty picture...

I had lost 20 lbs, my skin was grey. I often did not shower every day. I was a shell and all I did was what I HAD to do to survive and care for my children. I was tense every moment of every day...I was fearful. I jumped at every noise and I was ALWAYS waiting for the NEXT foot to fall on my neck. 

I was angry and often felt rage when I sensed that something would upset the abuser. I DEMANDED that everyone else in the house walk on eggshells to avoid escalating the abuse of them...and of ME. This was done by isolating all of us...few in...few out...because
the long LIST of things that MIGHT upset the abuser was never ending. 

If ALL his props were in their proper place and there was no one brought into the house....we might be safe for a bit. Seldom worked...but not for lack of trying. No friends for the kids, family slowly started to stay away.

I conspired CONSTANTLY with my children to hide any issues that might come up. 

OMG! YOU threw a ball and broke a decorative plate! 

(I didn't give a damn about the plate but HE DID)

I found the same words coming out of my mouth over and over...more and more frequently.

"If HE finds out about this I am not going to be able to protect you!"

No. There was not much actual physical abuse...and NONE against me at all.

THAT is NOT what I was trying to protect them from. If you UNDERSTAND this, you are in the right place. 

My CHILDREN understood EXACTLY what I meant.

We ALL became props in "HIS WORLD". We functioned in a relatively normal way (even given my shell of an existence) UNTIL we heard the truck pull into the driveway.

EVERYONE would stop, say "He's back" and scatter for cover...hiding away in silence and hoping to be un-noticed. We BECAME his props and the whole household lived to keep HIM FROM GETTING ANGRY.

After the discard, it became even worse for a time. With his threats to take the children... prove me unfit, to ...

"RUIN ME if I did not do what he told me to do and keep my mouth shut"
"Take everything you HAVE including the kids"
"Make you pay me so much alimony and child support that you will be living in a car"
"Have you supporting me AND the kids" (as well as his mistress with whom he was living)

His Golden Circle of friends closed around him believing EVERY WORD he said. He told his CHURCH that I had hired a hit man to try to murder him. He told our children that I was insane and dangerous. He had his PASTOR (whom I had met only twice for a total of 10 minutes) agreeing to TESTIFY IN COURT that I was unfit.

He carried a loaded gun and made audios of himself saying he was being threatened by my adult son. I TRULY expected to come home from work, one day, and find that my son had been "shot in self-defense". (The court allowed him free access to our home for over three months as they decided "He was not a real danger"....I would wake up and find him standing there just "smirking" at me...standing over me in my sleep. 

Our minor children (14 year old sons) were terrified to let me sleep alone. We all slept together on a fold out couch so they could "protect me". 

During that time, there were probably at least 3 times when I KNEW I WAS NOT STABLE. I have a history of depression and I KNEW that I was in crisis...that I TRULY NEEDED to be admitted to a hospital....but the FEAR STOPPED ME. 

I KNEW he would use that against me to try to take my sons.

You see...he HAD driven me "crazy" and a psychiatrist...seeing nothing happening inside our home....who spoke to the charming, meek abuser...would have diagnosed ME with some type of paranoia and who knows what else.

I share this because I KNOW I am not the only one who has gone through this. If it sounds familiar...please know....

You are not CRAZY!

The CRAZY rubbed off for a little while...it is part of their plan...but it DOES fade away once they are out of your life.