Tuesday, December 1, 2015
LESSONS LEARNED DURING RECOVERY...the hard way...
WHAT I LEARNED AS I RECOVERED....my long, slow, difficult process...what was that like? Well, here goes:
I know what it's like to want the narcissist to just say they were wrong, but, they never will...or if they do, it will be a manipulation to get something from us.
It's good that you can have good days. Good days are very important to recovery...good days and good feelings...in fact, they will gradually become a habit if we make it so. My good day became far more plentiful when I met my now wife, especially when we began a relationship. Now, life is so different for me, but how well I can remember those difficult day of early recovery.
I had to think about what had happened to me, and did, but with a little help from friends. I had to decide that there is no virtue to being miserable...I wouldn't be a martyr...that wouldn't get me to happiness, so I had to tell myself that I wouldn't allow myself to wallow in misery, or allow my ex to make me do so.
Calm and peaceful....that was SO DIFFERENT than when I was with my ex. The problem was, when there was calm with my ex, it was the prelude to something bad...just the calm before the storm. Now, I had to learn that calm was normal, and calm and peaceful preceded more of the same, but, darn, it was hard to get used to. I have to say if I was calm and peaceful for a while, I would begin to obsess about my ex...I would "borrow trouble", as my friend used to say. It was what I had learned living with a narcissist.
Now, a good day is not wrecked by a bad day following...it's just good days every day, but it took time. I had to learn not to wreck my own good days by constantly thinking about my ex...going over and over in my mind the things she did and said...and was still doing and saying.
I had a friend who pointed out how often I interjected her into the conversation, indicating I was obsessing. She was right. I had to learn to gently nudge her out of my mind and come to the present moment, and just live.
I had to learn again how to live every day without narcissistic abuse in my life...how NOT to be miserable, or have drama, or confusion. Strangely, I had to learn to have good feelings which weren't followed by bad feelings, as had been the cycle. Since I met my wife, the worst day I have is far better than my best day with my NarcX.
And, I had to learn not to criticize myself for the fact that my ex WOULD come back into my mind again and again....I would just nudge the thought out and go on. I had the thought that if I was recovering from narcissistic abuse that this wouldn't be happening, but that's not true. It will, and it does, and that's OK.
I think I felt ashamed that I was still obsessing about the abusive days, but that was of no help to me. I had to accept myself the way I was, with this problem too, to come to peace within myself and so, learn to grow and change.
And, yes, it was two steps forward and one step back, and that's OK too. It's the way recovery happens. We regress sometimes....but that's just the process of learning about ourselves and growing. It's OK...and you can accept that about yourself, too.
Otherwise, we can fall into the trap of thinking we have to recover PERFECTLY, which isn't possible. We will have as many problems as we have along the way, and that's OK...it's the process. It's not perfectly recovering that we want, but acceptance of who we are, the way we are.
It's knowing that it's alright, and we're alright, just the way we are, with these imperfections....and that we ARE recovering in our own way and in our own time.
at 5:04 PM