BE FRIENDS WITH NarcX AND AFFAIR PARTNER?

I'VE MOVED ON...HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP (OR REMARRIED)...SO, DO I HAVE TO "BE FRIENDS" with my NarcX, and NX's new supply, who my NX cheated with?

Short answer: hell no! This SEEMS to get complicated because of your children, who like NX and the new supply, and say to you that you SHOULD be friends with NX/new supply. How do you handle this? And, your friends and family think you should as well.

They say "let bye gones be bye gones", right? My wife and I have gone though this. Here's what we told them....YOU can be friends with them, if you'd like, but we will never be friends with them. And, you have to tell them the reason, in an age appropriate manner.

The NX and the affair partner/new supply are plugging for the "friends" issue because they are plugging the idea that "it was all for the best", which means that their affair was a GOOD THING, and there is a parity between you and them...that is, they are no more guilty of doing a terrible wrong than you are...that what was an absolute betrayal was a GOOD thing. You're happy, they're happy, so it's all good, right?

Absolutely not! What they did was absolutely wrong, and the N is a liar, abuser, and cheater and the fact that you have managed, after a huge amount of pain and heartache, to recover, doesn't change anything.

You have the NX to thank for the terrible financial hardship you endured, and the divorce/split, the sleepless nights, the therapy you paid for...and the NX/new supply wants you to sweep it under the rug and whitewash them? Not gonna happen.

That would be like the NX DELIBERATELY driving a car with you in it into a tree, severely injuring you with pain that will never fully go away, causing you years of recovery time, and expecting you to tell everyone what a great driver NX is, and then, to be the NX's friend and act like it never happened. I will NOT pretend like that because I had to pretend everything was OK when NX and I were together and I'll NEVER do it again.

You still have to deal with the injustice that most people, perhaps even your kids, treat NX as if NX hadn't done all the rotten things they did. Yes, but you can't control that. However, standing your ground and moving on with your life and being happy is how you recover a real life again.

You have a new and better life now. NX tried to destroy you and didn't succeed, so you're the victor in that battle, but there is no reason for you to act in a fake and phony way just because other people, especially your NX, wants you to. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF and what you know to be your truth.

The Bitch is Back!

Well, Ladies and Gentleman who share my journey…. 

I think I FINALLY had an epiphany. 

This great wave of knowing exactly what to do….and knowing that I PLAN to do it. I MUST do it. I have no CHOICE but to do it.  That I WILL do it regardless of whether others say it is a “mistake”. No matter if it is approved, recommended, or advised against.

I know that several people have helped me to finally SEE. It has taken 3 years. In that three years I have taken back some of my life and day to day control of my home…BUT I had not taken back my POWER. I have STILL been running from “Sir Crazy”. Running from his threats, his lies, his abuse of my children (and of me) by the court system.

I have been advised and warned to the point where I had become catatonic.

More importantly, I have been “duped” into repeating the biggest, most GUILT PRODUCING mistake I have EVER made.

As you may know, I brought my innocent children into the relationship with the abuser when they were about 6 and 8. That was 20 years ago. Despite the shame it causes me, I know the truth.

In action, I CHOSE the abuser over my children. I SACRIFICED their well-being in order to have my “Soul Mate”. Even once I began to recognize that he was not what he pretended to be I did not step in to protect them sufficiently. I became an abuser by proxy. A flying Monkey. I made excuses for him and I taught my children to remain silent and to accept the treatment they received.

I hid behind them, even KNOWING that they were being damaged. The only option was to walk away and, at that time, I simply could not do that.

For reasons of my own, based on weaknesses of my own, based on DELUSIONS and LIES I found it more convenient to believe than to question… the well-being of my children was the sacrifice I made in an attempt to appease, pacify and maintain the abuser and the relationship.

This is NOT my epiphany. I realized this years ago and I have suffered under the guilt of that knowledge. I have tried to make amends, apologized over and over and used every coping skill I could muster to try to forgive myself for the one SIN that, in my mind, is the most despicable and the most unforgivable…

Abandoning my children.

Failure to protect my children.

Not putting my children above all else.

NOT BEING A GOOD MOTHER.

Those children are now grown and the damages of what they suffered will never be completely wiped away. Like everything else life throws at us, there are “gifts” of that damage and “costs” of that damage. My sons would not be the people they are if things had been different. THAT is a DOUBLE EDGED sword. My adult sons still love me and we have a good, if somewhat distant, relationship. They will never fully trust me again. Damages done during childhood cannot be “logically incised”. They understand what happened and why I was the way I was. They do not BLAME ME but the damage is done, the trust is damaged, the questions will always be there and the pain is still there.

Fast forward to the children that I share with the abuser. Two more sons. Looking at things from their viewpoint is startling and devastating.

For the first 10 years of their lives, I was their “Father”. I was always working. The abuser was the one who took them to the Doctor, the one who went to the school meetings, the one who took them on outings and flew rockets and displayed his BEST SUPER DAD image to all who were viewing. I COMPLETELY relinquished control of our children to him as I was convinced that he would NEVER do anything to harm them.

You see, I never TOTALLY RELINQISHED control of MY children to him because I KNEW he did not love them. I saw his cruelty and, so, I did maintain some presence. As little protector as I was, I still had the presence of mind to have SOME boundaries around what I allowed him to do…. BECAUSE HE DID NOT LOVE THEM.

In some ways, it was “us” against “him”. He would later say that and I denied it…but it was true.

Each time he would say awful things to them, I would tell the it was untrue. I was their sounding board. When he was unfair or cruel to them I would validate their feelings. My Mother also did this. We BOTH made up excuses for the abuser’s behavior, but at least my son’s had someone telling them that his estimation that they were “worthless, useless little pieces of shit” was UNTRUE. That he was WRONG and that what they were seeing was REAL and unacceptable. It did not STOP the abuse but at least they had an opposing opinion to lean upon.

In the case of our shared children, the mistakes were even GREATER. You see, I was convinced by his show of his GREAT LOVE for them (as was my Mother). Because I was convinced that he did love them and that he would not harm them, I completely gave in to his control. He was not CRUEL to them in the same way he had been to my children. You see, at this point I realized his ABUSE but I STILL did not see his PATHOLOGY. Through the years I did not see the damages being done, the favoritism, the refusal to allow them to grow, the punishments for displays of autonomy or different opinions or even showing “undesirable emotions” such as anger or disagreement or questioning or behavior that “embarrassed him” or threatened to tarnish his carefully crafted image. In ALL THINGS he was in control of them and I became the “provider” and “work-a-holic”. The “absent Mother” the one who stood by him and agreed with him and enforced his rules.

I received great PRAISE about how well-behaved they were. How cooperative, how kind, how passive what “little gentleman” they were. Teachers and others sang praises of what WONDERFUL PARENTS we must be to be raising such obedient children! I did not see the death of their spirit or the little “robots” they were becoming…and I PARTICIPATED in the brainwashing by standing with the abuser and agreeing and telling them that he was RIGHT, he was PERFECT.

The children saw this. They saw that there was no fighting, that they had a “perfect family” and others told them how lucky they were! I did not know that they were not FEELING very lucky and that they were feeling “crazy” because while it appeared they SHOULD BE HAPPY…they did not feel happy. They did not see that I was too damaged to fight, I had given up and I thought I must be “crazy” as well…because I SHOULD be happy…but I was not either. OTHER people told me how LUCKY I was and how WONDERFUL he was and I felt as though I must be insane because that is NOT what I was seeing.

Through about the age of 12, this was their life. Involved Father, uninvolved Mother. Oh, I did many of the things that Mothers do. I helped with school projects, I shopped, cooked, cleaned, threw parties and participated in the charade of the PERFECT FAMILY. But, in private I was distant and powerless and depressed and anxious and DYING.

This was the perfect way to introduce the idea that I was “not quite right” to the children. I was painted as “troubled”, “unstable”, “Volatile” and even “Dangerous” and they had no reason to question that. I certainly played the part, they just did not understand that I was being subjected to the same gas lighting that they were.

They BELIEVED him because he was PERFECT (everyone said so, even me).

So, for the first 12 years, they were much closer to him than to me. I was the “worker” and they had to “stay out of my way” because “they never could tell what I might do”. They were taught to fear me and to obey me but it was “them” against “me”. He carefully crafted that.

But then he became interested in OTHER THINGS. So from 12 to 14, changes started happening. While I still worked a great deal, the children were old enough to understand that I was away out of necessity. On the other hand, the abuser was away by CHOICE. He suddenly had more important interests.  With his constant extracurricular activities, I was the one who was there (when I could be). I became the primary caregiver. As they started to mature they became much less interesting and much more of a bother to him.

Looking back, I thank GOD for those two years. Without them, his plans would likely have worked. They would have chosen him over me, of that I am CERTAIN.

Over that period they STILL heard no arguing, still thought that our family was strong and “normal” and that we would be together forever. But they had the chance to see that I loved them and that I was not “crazy”. Many times, it became “us” again. “Us” who were increasingly seeing his mask erode and his behavior erode and his increasing intolerance and his INPERFECTION. ME who they came to for protection and to hide mistakes from him for fear of his over-reaction. ME who started encouraging them to grow.

ME who, once again, became the “buffer” between them and his rigid conformity and his requirement of their perfection.

Near their 14^th Birthday he suddenly announced he wanted a divorce. No fighting, no conflict, no reason that they could see. It devastated them. It was more than they could comprehend.

The abuser FULLY EXPECTED that the prior two years would have no effect on the work he had done over the first 12 to make himself appear perfect and make me appear abusive. He EXPECTED them to want to leave with him. Like the little tin men he thought he had created, he believed that if he SAID we were going to divorce, they would accept that and simply discard me just as he had. If HE SAID that divorce was the RIGHT thing, they would KNOW that he was right and PERFECT and it would be easily accepted and be a small hiccup in their lives.

He thought that he would move on to his next “conquest” and she would BECOME their MOTHER and that they would replace me with her fully and without reservation….just as HE HAD.

When that is NOT WHAT HAPPENED, he was infuriated. The tide of rage and threats and manipulation and vandalism and crocodile tears and masks and false accusations and court actions and lies was unbelievable.

At one point he even tried to tell them that it was THEIR FAULT.

Oh, he didn’t say it that way.

He told them that he LEFT for THEM because they needed a stable HOME and a stable MOTHER and that they would see in time that he had done this FOR THEM.

The TORMENT he put them through was unconscionable.

THAT is the one thing that I will never forgive and that they will never forget. While I was NEVER perfect, I did not CLAIM to be. But when they saw his mask fall off it was shocking and life altering. He was determined to punish, buy or manipulate that truth out of their minds.

But…it was too late.

They SAW IT and he waited just a little TOO LONG to fool them any longer.

They tried to stand up to him and they did, for a while. But there was still one thing he could use to control both them and ME.

The fear of harm.

When they refused to go with him because they were being mistreated and he was trying to gaslight them into believing his lies…he took me to court and threatened to have me JAILED if they did NOT go with him as scheduled.

They tried to protect me from Jail by going with him even though they were not being treated as people their age should be treated. I was afraid that I would be jailed and that they would be at his MERCY without me as a buffer…so I asked them to go.

ONCE AGAIN, I let the FEAR he instilled in me guide me to ENCOURAGE them to accept his abuse, to pretend to believe his lies, to accept his racism and false religion, his blatant hypocrisy, his unfair punishments and remain as silent as possible. I allowed myself to be manipulated, by his threats, and by fear, into using another set of children as HUMAN SHIELDS.  

I was encouraged to do this by two lawyers who kept saying “It’s only a few more years and then they can decide for themselves”.

And so it went for a year. They would come home upset and depressed and they did not speak to me of what happened over there because they did not want to hurt me or cause me pain or see my anger when I would hear the way they were treated.

Until last week. Last week, he became angry and threw them out of his home. He told them he was no longer interested in seeing them. He pulled them out of bed and dropped them off without even contacting me.

He told them if they did not want a Father he would be happy to oblige. He WOUNDED THEM in a way no parent should ever WOUND a child. He tore off his mask again and he DISCARDED THEM. Just like trash. Just like he had done 3 years ago.

That week was Hell for them. Full of anxiety and extra therapy visits, extra Psychiatry visits. ANYTHING to try to get them past this awful experience.

They did not think he would come back, but I knew better.

On his scheduled day, he showed up to pick them up as if nothing had happened. He did not speak to them for a week…. left them in agonizing pain…full of fear and doubt… devastated their world, once again.

That was their punishment you see.

But when he decided he wanted another crack at them…he thought they would just forget it.

They refused to go. I told them it was up to them and they refused to subject themselves to the retribution they KNEW would be coming. They were AFRAID to go back and they had made up their minds.

So this is my epiphany.

If and when this is brought back into court and I am, once again, threatened with jail if I do NOT MAKE my children continue to accept this abuse. (these “children” are now nearly 17 years old and are young men) I will not WAVER. I will stand and state that I CANNOT make them go and if that means I go to jail… so be it. I am DONE hiding behind my children.

They have suffered enough and I have allowed my fear, and his threats, to control me for the last time.

I am their MOTHER and their ADVOCATE and it is time I started acting like it. They are free to go at any time but their love for me and my love for them will no longer be utilized as a weapon.

It is over… one way or another.

The BITCH is, indeed, BACK!

BOOK REVIEW: WHY DOES HE DO THAT?

BOOK REVIEW: WHY DOES HE DO THAT? INSIDE THE

MINDS OF ANGRY AND CONTROLLING MEN 

by Lundy Bancroft

I hasten to mention that my abuser was my NarcX wife, so this applies to female abusers as well. My favorite take away from this book: abusive men want very much for you, and other people, to think that their abusive actions have their origin in some complicated and deeply buried traumas from their pasts. But the reality is actually quite simple and clear – the real cause is the abuser's belief that they have a RIGHT AND ARE ENTITLED to control their partner, and to abuse them.

This detailed book is the mother lode of practical information on domestic violence and verbal/emotional abuse.

This book has sections on:

1. How an abuser THINKS, including a chapter on the many tactics of abusive partners from "Mr. Sensitive" to "the Water Torturer" to "Rambo")...you'll be able to find your abuser in one of these types. Bancroft explores 17 myths about abusers, and you'll realize that your thinking about the abuser has been highly dependent on these myths.

2. How abusers function in relationships, and how abusers fool others, given that it's rare for an abuser to seem like "the type," and how therapists are fooled by abusers.

3. The process of change for an abuser, and the fact that they very, very rarely change, even after years of therapy.

4. Bancroft addresses useful questions such as whether the abuser's apologies and claims to have changed are sincere, or just a part of the hoovering cycle.

If you are thinking of reading this book, it sadly means you likely know you've been, or are being, abused, but after reading it, you'll be glad that you did. It may also mean you want to know if the abusive narcissist is going to change...and you'll find that the answer is “when pigs fly”.

Here's what you'll learn from this book that will change the way you look at the N abuser:

* Behind abuse is a sense of having a right to abuse (entitlement) and degrading opinion of the abused.

* If you think drugs, alcohol, past trauma, or past relationships are causing the abuser to abuse, you're wrong about that. There is no relationship, though the N abuser will go out of their way to make you believe there is, as an excuse.

* The abuser gets a whole lot out of abusing, what, exactly is explained, and thus has little incentive to change. For one thing, for example, the abuser usually has the freedom to do what they want whenever they want, so they generally contribute little to the household, but expect you to to.

* The N abuser constantly uses tactics like manipulation and diversion, in order to confuse you and to continue their habit of abuse.

* The abuser going to substance abuse treatment doesn't stop the abuse because the abuse is caused by the enjoyment of abuse and the sense that the abuser is entitled to abuse you, though the abuser may learn how to use treatment programs to get leverage over you and keep you in the abusive relationship.

*The desire to abuse, the sense of entitlement and ownership of you, the manipulation and other habitual tactics are deeply ingrained and very unlikely to undergo change.

So, knowledge is power, as they say. This book will arm you with loads of knowledge that will completely change your way of looking at the Narc abuser.

Bancroft writes: “Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not the product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.” And, he will tell you why THERAPY OFTEN MAKES ABUSE WORSE.

And, since most abusers are also cheaters, this is also discussed in detail, and also the constant use of triangulation by the abuser. It's harder to leave an abusive relationship than a good one, ironically, and you'll learn the dynamics of trauma bonding as well.

There is much more. This book is not a long one, but it's packed with an amazing amount of information. This book changed my way of looking at N abusers totally. Are they responsible? Are they the victim of biology or bad parenting? You won't have any doubt...they know what they are doing, and they are making conscious decisions to abuse...which they love to do, and they gain a whole lot out of. I highly recommend this book.

An AGONIZING question for someone with empathy...."So, If they CAN'T control it or be helped...shouldn't I pity them?"

When your EMPATHY causes confusion and self-doubt

Can they love?

Can they love our children?

Can they be held accountable if they truly cannot feel love?

This is where it can get a little difficult to comprehend how they "work". 

IMHO...at least in the case of the abuser I dealt with...I believe he THINKS he loves and is attached to people. Since he has no normal concept of "love" as we know it...he ASSUMES he loves. I TRULY believe that he goes into relationships hiding his motives (even partially from himself) and that he believes that THIS IS THE ONE. 

I think that it is even more complicated than we sometimes imagine. 

While I KNOW that he targets people for REASONS...I also think that he convinces himself that he truly DOES love them and that these are merely "benefits" of this love. In his case, I think much is at a sub-conscious level in the beginning as he enters into his delusion of "perfection" and a doting, worshiping soul mate. 

His NORMAL behavior is abusive...which begins to wear on, and damage, his victim. As the feelings of "love" for him begin to be cooled by abuse he begins to demonize the victim for "lying to him" when she PRETENDED to be so in love with him and for no longer seeing him as perfect due to the abuse she endures. 

The spiral continues and his anger and rage grows until either she leaves him or he discards her.

In the interim, he senses her pulling away and may try to do things designed to get her back to the worshiping stage. 

The one thing he CANNOT do is change the abuse he doles out on a daily basis because he does NOT SEE IT AS ABUSIVE. 

While the victim enters a stage of realization of his imperfection and may STILL be willing to stick around (since normal people KNOW that NOBODY is perfect) the abuser CANNOT TOLERATE being seen for what he is (even if the VICTIM is willing to accept him for what he is) and DEMANDS that the relationship return to the stage of her seeing him as "perfect". This is not possible for the victim because the abuser is OBVIOUSLY not what she thought he was. 

In a NORMAL relationship this is seen as relationship "maturing" and is seen as NORMAL. In the abusive relationship this is intolerable to the abuser. 

Eventually either she leaves or he discards....at which time he determines that she is to blame because she LIED to HIM when she said she thought he was "perfect".

She then becomes the enemy to be destroyed and he will commit PURPOSEFUL harm to her feeling very justified in doing so because she is a "LIAR" and never "REALLY LOVED HIM". 

He finds another doting, worshiping victim and the cycle starts all over with him BELIEVING that THIS TIME he has found the RIGHT ONE....

Male or Female....many any times the abuser never believes they have done anything wrong and that is why it is so confusing. 

They DO KNOW that what they do would be wrong for others. 

They KNOW morality and they know right from wrong. 

They would quickly condemn others for doing the very things they do. 

The thing is ...they TRULY think that they have acceptable reason to do what they want. The BELIEVE the rules should not apply to them. They are INCAPABLE of experiencing accountability. So while they do very evil things they do NOT see themselves as evil or wrong. 

It is almost like dealing with someone who has an emotional/mental deficit.

It leaves MOST of us, at some point, scrambling to come to terms with our duel feelings of anger at them and pity for them. Truly...if they CANNOT SEE that what they are doing is WRONG...can we hate them for it...can we even EXPECT them to understand it? Many of us have had to pass through this process. 

In the END, the truth is, they are harmful. Whether it is their fault is immaterial. No matter what delusions they hold, or why, they harm one person after another...including innocent children. 

Whether to hate or pity or both depends on the victim, but the fact that what they do is wrong and unacceptable is a fact! And no one deserves to live that way!

Pitying them will not change what they are...nothing will. We must escape it or be destroyed by a person who has no chance of not destroying everything they touch and, eventually, destroying themselves...whether or not they ever see that.

I think, eventually, we end up neither hating or pitying...but we come to point when we see a lost cause for what it is and simply walk away and live a normal life. It is someone else’s turn to take the journey. We have paid enough.

I equate it to this. 

If a Doctor told me, TODAY, that everything I think and feel is a delusion, that nothing is as I thought it was and that there were a range of feelings that I simply did not possess but other people did would I ever accept that? 

Likely not.

LOVE BOMBING: HOW I FELL FOR IT

6 CRYSTAL CLEAR SIGNS OF LOVE BOMBING...

By Jenn R.

[this is an insightful and deep article on the narcissistic tactic of love bombing, and yes, even smart people fall for it]

I consider myself an intelligent individual. So it begs the question of how I could be so gullible to fall for love-bombing. Not once. But twice! (At least twice that I'm aware of.)

In the beginning of a relationship, everything is brand new and wonderful. Or so it seems. Your new guy dotes on you, makes you your favorite dessert, spews out compliments left and right. And you just think, "Wow he must really care about me!" (These are ALL calculated efforts, by the way. Everything he does is with purpose.)

Then, little by little, your guy will toss an insult your way, or poke fun at something you said or did. Then after you protest, he'd say "You can't take a joke. You're so sensitive."

In the beginning with my ex, he doted on me and yes, made me my favorite dessert.....chocolate covered strawberries. That was the first time I noticed the love-bombing. (Again, a calculated effort on his part. He NEEDED to have me think he cared. He also does this as reconnaissance to find out more about you....it's called mirroring, and I discuss that below.)

What is love-bombing, anyway? It is an abuser's attempt to flood you with attention, affection, and commonality. He will act like he has common interests or has the same goals. He acts like "Mr. Perfect."

The next (and most obvious) instance of love-bombing came when he wanted to "reconcile." We had been separated a few months, during which time I was living in NJ with my mom. It wasn't a choice of mine to have been separated....it stemmed from an incident at the end of July 2007. (The divorce was supposed to be finalized in January 2008.)

By the end of November 2007, the love-bombing began. I was at work. He harassed me with dozens upon dozens of phone calls to my cell phone WHILE I was at work. I took the phone out into the hallway at one point where he proceeded to love bomb.....He couldn't live without me, he loved me, our 18-month old daughter needed her mommy, he tossed the last one in there for good measure. He KNEW I couldn't say no to my daughter.

I (stupidly) agreed to go back. I put the divorce proceedings on hold. I returned to Washington State at the end of January 2008.

Why did I say stupidly? Because even though I consider myself an intelligent individual, I still allowed myself to get hooked back into his charade. I went back and ended up enduring TWO MORE YEARS of emotional abuse until he discarded me in May 2010.

So if you want to get into a new relationship at some point, how can you tell if someone is love-bombing you or not? What are some of those red flags? You may notice some of all of these in varying degrees.

1. An overwhelming amount of texts, phone calls, and emails that aim to tug at your heartstrings. (Examples could be "good morning, beautiful" texts every morning, a handful of phone calls every day, "goodnight, sweetheart" texts every night.)

2. The sheer amount of contact doesn't give you ample time to ponder things over, or to process things.

3. Excessively stopping by your work or home.

4. Will profess his love for you within a short time, telling you he has never felt this way before.

5. A desire to want to be intimate! He'll pressure you for sex almost as soon as you begin dating.

6. He will mirror you. This means he'll appear to have common goals, interests, etc. Emotional narcissistic abusers have no substance, so they will mold themselves to appear just like you. You will be so amazed at how compatible you are. That is their goal....to appear like your soul mate. They will study you at first, ask seemingly innocent questions about life goals, or stalk you on social media to find out what's most important to you.

I'm sure there are additional red flags, but these are the ones that are most dangerous in my opinion. The abuser aims to pass himself off as the perfect partner.

After my ex, I wasn't sure if I would ever marry again, let alone date again. How would I trust again? How would I know if someone had pure intentions? I did dived into the dating pool about 8 months after my ex discarded me. It only lasted a month, but he ended up teaching me 2 vital lessons......that I was capable of loving again, and that I was worthy of someone's love.

Not long after that, I began dating my now husband. I had countless moments where I had knee jerk reactions from something he said or did. These were PTSD moments. My now husband looked at me and has said, "I'm not him." He has shown me that it IS possible to have a normal relationship. I'm not 100 percent healed, but I take great strides every day in my healing.

A REAL LIFE STORY OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE...AN ABUSE ENCYCLOPEDIA....

by Jenn R 

I want to start off by saying that I am not a victim. I am a survivor. By merely changing that one word, we can begin to change our mindsets and look forward towards healing. 

For brevity's sake, I will spare you the whole story of how my ex and I met, the sordid details of the abuse and how he gained custody of our two children. He discarded me in May 2010. Since then, I've been to therapy, reading up on emotional abuse and narcissism, and seeking support from a few close friends and family members. 

 My ex is most certainly a narcissist. From all the research I've done, he fits it to a T. I see him in everything I read! 

There are so many facets to emotional abuse. Too many to go into it all here, so I'll focus on the two that have impacted me the most. 

Gaslighting is one of many tactics that emotional abusers use to tear down and destroy their victims. Gaslighting is a malicious form of abuse that aims to make the victim doubt her own memory, perception and sanity. 

I'll give you a perfect example. I was notorious for misplacing my keys. My ex knew this. One day, he had hidden my keys. I was frantic looking for them....threw couch cushions, poured out the contents of my purse, emptied kitchen drawers. You name it, I looked there. When I was good and frenzied, my ex said all of a sudden, "Oh, there they are" and pointed to the couch where they were sitting neatly on top of an overturned couch cushion. I said I had looked there several times. To which he replied, "Well, you obviously didn't look hard enough." 

He had me feeling like I was going crazy! 

And that is the ultimate goal of a narcissistic emotional abuser. To make the victim question her sanity, her self worth, and her self esteem to the point that she will no longer recognize herself. She will lose her confidence, her voice, and subsequently become a shell of what she used to be. 

The other facet of emotional abuse that has impacted me is verbal abuse. Some might say that verbal abuse goes hand in hand with emotional abuse. I would have to agree. Verbal abuse was a part of my daily emotional abuse. 

Verbal abuse can range from name calling to put downs, and from subtle criticisms to minimizing. It also includes judging, blaming, and withholding. My ex used all these tactics, but his go-to verbal abuse tactics were name calling, put downs and blaming. 

He'd come home from work and often say "What did you do all day? Sit on your fat a** and eat Bon-Bons?" I'd get called fat, lazy, worthless, crazy, b*tch, crazy fat b*tch.....you name it, he used that derogatory name. 

He would frequently blame me for things that went wrong. If he had a bad day at work.....My fault. If the house wasn't spotless.....My fault. If the dog poo wasn't picked up from the backyard.....My fault. The picked up from the backyard.....My fault. The children were cranky when he got home.....My fault. I react negatively to his abuse, so he yells and stuff.....My fault. The ex also blames me for him being discharged from the military! 

I mean, he took the kids, his parents didn't want to be the family care plan, and the military discharged him as a result. Well had he given me custody, he'd still be in the military! It was so naive of me to even expect praise and compliments for keeping things running while he was deployed for nearly 8 months in 2009. The DAY he came home, I got yelled at because hot chocolate got spilled on the stroller my son was in while we were waiting for those buses to pull up with the troops. 

No matter what I did, it was never enough. Narcissistic emotional abusers will never change. Ever. They will discard you, then go looking for a new supply. That cycle will never end. 

You best bet is to leave your past behind you. Get yourself into therapy. Trust me, it will help you. Take back your life! You are a survivor.

GROOMING TACTICS OF NARCOPATHS

DEFINITIONS FIRST:

GROOMING refers to the process of manipulating and maneuvering a person, adult or child, into a position that creates trust and vulnerability. The target is often isolated from support systems at least to the extent of keeping secrets, and made dependent emotionally or financially, or both. This is done to facilitate abuse, and is practiced by predators, sociopaths, and narcissists, who target vulnerable people for exploitation.

GROOMING YOU AS AN ADULT means creating a situation where you can be abused and exploited for the narcopath's purposes. This is done by “love bombing”, seduction, charm, giving you gifts, being very charming, and flattering. This may be followed after a time by threats, gaslighting, and forced keeping of secrets, which become the victim's “new normal”.

GROOMING YOUR CHILD refers to the manipulative tactic of creating a bond with a child so as to lower the child's resistance to the narcopath, and often results in the psychological and/or physical abuse of the child, and sometimes, sexual abuse, or alienation of the child from the other parent.

THE NARCOPATH will gain the target's trust, brainwash the victim into believing they are loved, and then manipulate the victim to get what the narcopath wants.

GROOMING IN THE BEGINNING......

CREATING A BOND...the narcopath bonds you to him by intermittent reinforcement (good times, bad times; loving, then abusive), and may share personal information to get you to do so as well, which is suppose to be secret between the two of you. In other words, you think you are being trusted, so you trust the narcopath. Using shared secrets, the narcopath takes you down the path of breaking down your boundaries...financial, sexual, and personal. Then, the narcopath makes you fear disclosure of embarrassing secrets you've told or things you've done. They create what you think is a “special connection” with the narcopath so it's difficult to imagine the narcopath is actually evil.

THE VULNERABLE VICTIM can be almost anyone because narcopaths are highly practiced in grooming and manipulation. They focus on kind, caring, and empathetic people, that is, the tend to pick the best people.

WHY GROOMING WORKS....it works because it feels so good when you're being love bombed, it's truly exhilarating. It feels amazing to you. You become absolutely enthralled with the narcopath because he seems like the perfect person, and he tells YOU that you are the perfect person...what could be better? You've never been showered with this much attention.

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER YOU'VE BEEN GROOMED...ABUSE AND DISCARD....

“LOVE BOMBING” IS FOLLOWED BY ABUSE AND DISCARD, RESULTING IN FEELINGS OF SHAME, CONFUSION, AND DEPRESSION. At the discard, you can hardly believe it's happening. You may be desperate to get the narcopath back...and he may come back...for a while. That's called “hoovering” and it gives him an ego boost to get you to take him back after, but when the next discard comes, it hurts worse. He will do this AS MANY TIMES AS YOU'LL LET HIM. The pain is horrible because you've lost what you though was a deep bond unlike any you've ever had. It's incredibly difficult to come to the truth, which was that the narcopath played you and was never sincere. That is one of the most difficult conclusions you'll ever make in your entire life. But, it seems like the end, but in truth, it's the beginning...of a new life.

Note: all references to “him” also apply to female narcopaths as well.

DISTORTED NARCISSISTIC THINKING...ACCORDING TO EXPERTS

In Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders, Aaron T. Beck, Arthur Freeman, and associates (1990) list typical beliefs associated with each specific personality disorder. Here are the typical beliefs that they have listed (pp. 361-362) for Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• I am a very special person.
• Since I am so superior, I am entitled to special treatment and privileges.
• I don’t have to be bound by the rules that apply to other people.
• It is very important to get recognition, praise, and admiration.
• If others don’t respect my status, they should be punished.
• Other people should satisfy my needs.
• Other people should recognize how special I am.
• It’s intolerable if I’m not accorded my due respect or don’t get what I’m entitled to.
• Other people don’t deserve the admiration or riches that they get.
• People have no right to criticize me.
• No one’s needs should interfere with my own.
• Since I am so talented, people should go out of their way to promote my career.
• Only people as brilliant as I am understand me.
• I have every reason to expect grand things.
  

From Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown

• Turns every conversation to him or herself.
• Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs.
• Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you.
• Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you.
• Focuses on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior.
• Expects you to jump at his every need.
• Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions and ignores your needs.
• Has a high need for attention.
• Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases and is flamboyant, loud and boisterous.
• Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off.
• Becomes angry when his needs are not met and throws tantrums or intimidates.
• Has an attitude of “anything you can do, I can do better.”
• Engages in one-upmanship to seem important.
• Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming.
• Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him.
• Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best.”
• Seeks status. Spends money to impress others.
• Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today.
• Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration.
• Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants.
• Does not obey the law—sees himself above the law.
• Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines.
• Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings.
• Tells you how you should feel or not feel.
• Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions.
• Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours.
• Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own.
• Wants to control what you do and say—tries to micromanage you.
• Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own.
• Has poor insight and can not see the impact his selfish behavior has on you.
• Has shallow emotions and interests.
• Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
• Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants.
• May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children.
  

….AND I MEAN IT....4 THINGS PEOPLE REALLY IN LOVE SAY SINCERELY THAT NARCISSISTS NEVER SAY WITH HONESTY.....

Narcissists are great imitators. Let me tell you a story. Once, I mentioned in a conversation with some guys (I am one) that jerks who play women make it hard on guys like me, who mean what they say. Later, one of these guys said to me, “Hey, man, I used your line on a woman, about players making it hard on good guys who are sincere, AND IT WORKED!” The trouble was, it wasn't a line...to me, but he made it into a line by IMITATING ME and how I think and speak. Narcissists are like that. Now, something you and I will say to someone we really love is something the narcissist will say in a calculated way, to manipulate. Here's four examples of things a good person will say that a narcissist will fake..... 

 

1. WE CAN TAKE OUR TIME AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER....I told my wife after long time as friends, and then dating, that I wasn't crazy, I WAS JUST CRAZY ABOUT HER...said with a smile, but she understood I meant it. The truth is that I had thought this for some time and kept it to myself until I thought the time was right and she was ready to hear it. 

 

A narcissist who is love bombing, however, will come out with “I'm crazy about you” very quickly as way of finding the down lever on your underwear, getting supply, and gaining control over you. My now wife had been so beaten down by her NarcX that she needed to hear that she was attractive, funny, and smart, and that's really true. But, it's a very good thing she didn't meet another narcissist because he would have TOLD HER EXACTLY THAT, because, like me, he would know she needed to hear it, since he would be imitating the kind of man she needed right then. 

 

The big, big difference was that me telling her I really loved her came at about 1 year into our relationship, not a week or two, and besides, by then it was written all over me, so she could see it. The key, then, was TIME...I took my time, as did she, and it took three years before the M word came out....marriage. However, with a narcissist, they say this sort of thing very quickly. 

 

2. I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU AND WHAT YOU DO FOR ME....and I do, very much. However, narcissist are never actually grateful because they feel so entitled, but they know very well that expressions of fake gratitude makes you think they will do the same for you, but they won't, not for long. 

 

Cooking....I'm terrible and my wife is excellent, and there is something about cooking that warms my heart, I suppose because my ex wife never cooked. A lot of work goes into a nice meal. She appreciates the work I do around the house....we both perk up at the appreciation, and that's a very important part of a good relationship, but for the narcissist, it's a part of the love bombing phase, and then, not only do they not appreciate you, they demean and degrade you. 

 

The key to this one is CONSISTENCY....with a good person, the appreciation and the gratitude are always there, no matter how long you are together, because real love has come to stay. I consider showing appreciation a part of loving, honoring, and cherishing my wife just as I promised, but as you know, wedding vows and promises mean nothing to a narcissist. 

 

3. HONEY, WE CAN WORK THIS OUT...LET ME HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.....with the emphasis on WE, not me, on US, not I, and with the emphasis on listening with interest and empathy. Have you noticed....narcissists don't listen, or perhaps we should say that you are never actually heard by the narcissist. 

 

There is a huge difference between knowing that what you say is important and valued, and being ridiculed and berated with sarcasm. When the narcissist says they want to work it out, they mean that you have to give in and let them win, since winning is their goal, not solving problems. They want you to talk so they can attack, divert, or be dismissive...”Oh, God, not again”. 

 

Notice that in the way a good person will approach problems, and this is the key to this one, is that there is an assumption of EQUALITY between the two of you, and but for the narcissist there is an assumption that they have the power and control over you and that you belong under their thumb. So, the key difference in this one between a good person and a narcissist is EQUALITY between the two of you, and the desire for a WIN-WIN SOLUTION. 

 

4. GO FOR IT...I'M HAPPY FOR YOUR SUCCESS....a good relationship is also a very good friendship, where you both got each other's back, and you help each other along in life, so that life opens up for you, and your life blossoms. 

 

It's that positive message that you hear when you share hopes and dreams, successes and failures. Your partner is always there for you. That's not the narcissist, because the N is always in competition with you, so the narcissist is not happy for your success....they will be happy to spend your money, but not to see YOU get accolades and attention, because you are taking attention and supply away from them.

 

So, you might hear, when you share a success, “So, now you think you're a big shit. Well, you're not. I know who you really are and so do you”, which is demeaning and also dropping a hint that they might reveal something about your past that you entrusted to them privately. The narcissist is such a “Debbie Downer” that you will get depressed at the negativity, though the narcissist may occasionally throw you a bone of positiveness to keep you around. The key here is that a good person is TRULY HAPPY FOR YOUR HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS, and the narcissist isn't, and if you continue to succeed, the narcissist will try to bring you down and wreck your happiness. 

 

These four things are just for starters, and I imagine you have others to post below. My point here is that the narcissist TWISTS normal, loving situations into something ugly by manipulation and abuse....and that NOTHING can come out right with a narcissist. I am convinced that good relationships are VERY SIMPLE....just the two of you, being kind, loving, and faithful, and helping each other. What could be more simple? Narcissistic relationships, however, are very complex and unhappy that it's impossible for even fairly normal interactions like those above to come out right.

I WANT TO MOVE ON...WHY IS IT SO HARD AND TAKING SO LONG?

I often see that survivors say how long it has been post Narc, and wonder how long it will be until everything is fine again....until they are happy, until they can trust and love again. Recovery is....well, it happens differently for each of us. At times, you may feel much better, then later, not so much. The truth is that recovery is somewhat unpredictable, and even those of us who have been at this for quite some time...for me, 14 years, can tell you that they are still a work in progress, and always will be.

I have an opinion on what this is. For one thing, we all have PTSD, or at least every survivor I and my now wife have ever met. You may be familiar with the issue of “triggers”...things that cause you to instantly feel the old feelings...fear, anger, or pain, for instance...and the truth is that you have no control over your triggers. However, the gradualness of recovery is the gradual lessening of the strength of these triggers.

PTSD...after a while, with treatment, it becomes like an unwelcome visitor and the harder you resist the feelings, the stronger it becomes, so, you learn to accept what you can't change...you learn, gradually, to live with the feelings. I know that sounds like bad news, but it's neither good or bad...it just is.

Then, there are the memories, and the dreams. I found that the med called prazosin, originally for blood pressure, makes the bad dreams better. For your anxiety, which we all have, for some time, antianxiety meds can be a bridge. The depression...not being able to feel the happiness anymore...meds do help. Yea, you likely need meds. I still take prazosin and antidepressants, and I've learned to be OK with that...it's fairly common if you've been in a prolonged narcissistic relationship.

Failure...that's often how we see ourselves after the narc, especially since the narc is still in our heads. It takes some time and experience in the real world with normal people until we see ourselves as just a normal person who lived in a terrible situation.

Revenge...karma.....for a long time, it wasn't that I wanted revenge. It was that I wanted, somehow, for God, or karma, or something, to balance the scales. It took a lot of time before I stopped thinking about this, but I did, eventually. I knew that if I didn't let it go, I'd be wasting mental energy thinking about it. I decided to just live right. Period. In the end, it came out right, but the only justice has been that brought about by my NarcX's own bad judgment.

At first, I was afraid of loving again. This was made worse by meeting another narc, but I got this one out of my life in a few weeks. That helped my confidence. I saw the red flags and I did the right thing. But, it happened again, and again I got the N out of my life in two weeks. I got very cautious, but I wanted, very much, to at last have real love, and I found it, one day, most unexpectedly. And, yes, that helped me a lot. But, my wife and I had to live with the fact that we were both damaged goods...and be OK with that. It helped that we understood since we had both been married to a narc for over 20 years. We were not perfect and still aren't, but we loved each other the way we are. It helps recovery a lot just to be accepted and loved instead of being criticized and demeaned. It REALLY changes things.

So, that's what I have to say. I wish I could give you a short list that would make everything better, but that wouldn't be honest or fair. I remember feeling so bad, so sad, so depressed, so much anxiety...and wondering, “For God's sake, when is this going to end.” Honestly....never. It doesn't end, but it gets a hell of a lot better. Much better. Slowly. Gradually. But it does happen.

I'm happily married, very happily married to a wonderful woman who, imagine this, thinks she married a wonderful man. It was hard and I'm still processing it, otherwise, I wouldn't be doing all this. Every year, I learn more, understand more, and get stronger. But, I've learned that I'm not so strong in myself. My faith means a lot. I lean on God and I lean on my wife, who is so strong....well, we are strong, if we lean on each other.

12 signs you are or have been with a Narcissist, aka a Man Child

1. He stops making cute gestures or performing simple acts of kindness. The narc/man-child isn’t able to pick up on your little hints about what would make you happy. Being nice is too much work for him. Let’s say you’ve gone on about your crappy day and you hint that you would like to talk about it. Because he is unable to think or feel outside himself, he will NOT let you talk, but rather will talk about himself, no matter how many hints you’ve dropped. He will, however, be thinking about what you can do for him. 

 

2. He has no empathy. He lacks compassion, and that DOES matter when you date or marry someone. 

 

3. He is a bad conversationalist. When you’re with a narc/man-child he is either thinking, “What can I say next?” and “What's going on my MY life”, so he actively ignores you when you're talking while thinking about what’s going to come out of his mouth next. 

 

4. He never puts giving you a wonderful night at the top of his list He can’t even fathom that maybe your interests or needs are important. It never occurs to him to just do something really nice for you, or take you some place special. The narc/man-child is so wrapped up in his own world that he forgets to consider you. 

 

5. His relationships with others can go very wrong If you can pick up on his negative traits, others can, too. If others don't do things his way, he becomes angry. How dare they stray from his plan, and if they do, he will get weird or angry. If he argues with someone, so forget about helping him by playing devil’s advocate. It’s his way or the highway. The highway is better....remember that. 

 

6. He’s bad at sex. He is self-centered out of bed, so he is also self-centered in bed. The narc/man-child wants nothing more than to get himself off. When he is finished, you’re finished. It’s a sad and very short story. Or, he makes sex all about what a great lover he is.

 

7. He suffers from a dysfunctional family of origin He did not grow up in a family that was loving or emphasized sharing. As he matured he didn’t learn basic interpersonal relations skills. He fell through the cracks as just one of many in a dysfunctional family. He usually reacts poorly when he isn't the center of attention. 

 

8. He has no mutual goals. If he accomplishes something it’s for him, not for the two of you. If he wants something, it's for himself, and you'd better go along with it, or you'll be discarded. 

 

9. He is paranoid. He is under the illusion that someone’s negative opinion of him is completely unfair, even if it actually describes him perfectly will. Trapped in his bubble, he has a twisted way of making everything about what he wants and needs.

10. He always has an excuse. He never accepts responsibility for what he does, 

however wrong, and he always has an excuse for even the worst behavior. 

 

11. He acts like a victim He plays dumb about the wrong things he has done, and is doing. Instead, he says he is being misunderstood...and he's hurt. 

 

12. He pretends he settled for less, when the opposite is true. The narc/man-child will always take the easy way out, and that is never what anyone deserves in a lover or husband. He seriously believes he is settled for you, but the reality is that you settled for him.