The Bitch is Back!

Well, Ladies and Gentleman who share my journey…. 

I think I FINALLY had an epiphany. 

This great wave of knowing exactly what to do….and knowing that I PLAN to do it. I MUST do it. I have no CHOICE but to do it.  That I WILL do it regardless of whether others say it is a “mistake”. No matter if it is approved, recommended, or advised against.

I know that several people have helped me to finally SEE. It has taken 3 years. In that three years I have taken back some of my life and day to day control of my home…BUT I had not taken back my POWER. I have STILL been running from “Sir Crazy”. Running from his threats, his lies, his abuse of my children (and of me) by the court system.

I have been advised and warned to the point where I had become catatonic.

More importantly, I have been “duped” into repeating the biggest, most GUILT PRODUCING mistake I have EVER made.

As you may know, I brought my innocent children into the relationship with the abuser when they were about 6 and 8. That was 20 years ago. Despite the shame it causes me, I know the truth.

In action, I CHOSE the abuser over my children. I SACRIFICED their well-being in order to have my “Soul Mate”. Even once I began to recognize that he was not what he pretended to be I did not step in to protect them sufficiently. I became an abuser by proxy. A flying Monkey. I made excuses for him and I taught my children to remain silent and to accept the treatment they received.

I hid behind them, even KNOWING that they were being damaged. The only option was to walk away and, at that time, I simply could not do that.

For reasons of my own, based on weaknesses of my own, based on DELUSIONS and LIES I found it more convenient to believe than to question… the well-being of my children was the sacrifice I made in an attempt to appease, pacify and maintain the abuser and the relationship.

This is NOT my epiphany. I realized this years ago and I have suffered under the guilt of that knowledge. I have tried to make amends, apologized over and over and used every coping skill I could muster to try to forgive myself for the one SIN that, in my mind, is the most despicable and the most unforgivable…

Abandoning my children.

Failure to protect my children.

Not putting my children above all else.

NOT BEING A GOOD MOTHER.

Those children are now grown and the damages of what they suffered will never be completely wiped away. Like everything else life throws at us, there are “gifts” of that damage and “costs” of that damage. My sons would not be the people they are if things had been different. THAT is a DOUBLE EDGED sword. My adult sons still love me and we have a good, if somewhat distant, relationship. They will never fully trust me again. Damages done during childhood cannot be “logically incised”. They understand what happened and why I was the way I was. They do not BLAME ME but the damage is done, the trust is damaged, the questions will always be there and the pain is still there.

Fast forward to the children that I share with the abuser. Two more sons. Looking at things from their viewpoint is startling and devastating.

For the first 10 years of their lives, I was their “Father”. I was always working. The abuser was the one who took them to the Doctor, the one who went to the school meetings, the one who took them on outings and flew rockets and displayed his BEST SUPER DAD image to all who were viewing. I COMPLETELY relinquished control of our children to him as I was convinced that he would NEVER do anything to harm them.

You see, I never TOTALLY RELINQISHED control of MY children to him because I KNEW he did not love them. I saw his cruelty and, so, I did maintain some presence. As little protector as I was, I still had the presence of mind to have SOME boundaries around what I allowed him to do…. BECAUSE HE DID NOT LOVE THEM.

In some ways, it was “us” against “him”. He would later say that and I denied it…but it was true.

Each time he would say awful things to them, I would tell the it was untrue. I was their sounding board. When he was unfair or cruel to them I would validate their feelings. My Mother also did this. We BOTH made up excuses for the abuser’s behavior, but at least my son’s had someone telling them that his estimation that they were “worthless, useless little pieces of shit” was UNTRUE. That he was WRONG and that what they were seeing was REAL and unacceptable. It did not STOP the abuse but at least they had an opposing opinion to lean upon.

In the case of our shared children, the mistakes were even GREATER. You see, I was convinced by his show of his GREAT LOVE for them (as was my Mother). Because I was convinced that he did love them and that he would not harm them, I completely gave in to his control. He was not CRUEL to them in the same way he had been to my children. You see, at this point I realized his ABUSE but I STILL did not see his PATHOLOGY. Through the years I did not see the damages being done, the favoritism, the refusal to allow them to grow, the punishments for displays of autonomy or different opinions or even showing “undesirable emotions” such as anger or disagreement or questioning or behavior that “embarrassed him” or threatened to tarnish his carefully crafted image. In ALL THINGS he was in control of them and I became the “provider” and “work-a-holic”. The “absent Mother” the one who stood by him and agreed with him and enforced his rules.

I received great PRAISE about how well-behaved they were. How cooperative, how kind, how passive what “little gentleman” they were. Teachers and others sang praises of what WONDERFUL PARENTS we must be to be raising such obedient children! I did not see the death of their spirit or the little “robots” they were becoming…and I PARTICIPATED in the brainwashing by standing with the abuser and agreeing and telling them that he was RIGHT, he was PERFECT.

The children saw this. They saw that there was no fighting, that they had a “perfect family” and others told them how lucky they were! I did not know that they were not FEELING very lucky and that they were feeling “crazy” because while it appeared they SHOULD BE HAPPY…they did not feel happy. They did not see that I was too damaged to fight, I had given up and I thought I must be “crazy” as well…because I SHOULD be happy…but I was not either. OTHER people told me how LUCKY I was and how WONDERFUL he was and I felt as though I must be insane because that is NOT what I was seeing.

Through about the age of 12, this was their life. Involved Father, uninvolved Mother. Oh, I did many of the things that Mothers do. I helped with school projects, I shopped, cooked, cleaned, threw parties and participated in the charade of the PERFECT FAMILY. But, in private I was distant and powerless and depressed and anxious and DYING.

This was the perfect way to introduce the idea that I was “not quite right” to the children. I was painted as “troubled”, “unstable”, “Volatile” and even “Dangerous” and they had no reason to question that. I certainly played the part, they just did not understand that I was being subjected to the same gas lighting that they were.

They BELIEVED him because he was PERFECT (everyone said so, even me).

So, for the first 12 years, they were much closer to him than to me. I was the “worker” and they had to “stay out of my way” because “they never could tell what I might do”. They were taught to fear me and to obey me but it was “them” against “me”. He carefully crafted that.

But then he became interested in OTHER THINGS. So from 12 to 14, changes started happening. While I still worked a great deal, the children were old enough to understand that I was away out of necessity. On the other hand, the abuser was away by CHOICE. He suddenly had more important interests.  With his constant extracurricular activities, I was the one who was there (when I could be). I became the primary caregiver. As they started to mature they became much less interesting and much more of a bother to him.

Looking back, I thank GOD for those two years. Without them, his plans would likely have worked. They would have chosen him over me, of that I am CERTAIN.

Over that period they STILL heard no arguing, still thought that our family was strong and “normal” and that we would be together forever. But they had the chance to see that I loved them and that I was not “crazy”. Many times, it became “us” again. “Us” who were increasingly seeing his mask erode and his behavior erode and his increasing intolerance and his INPERFECTION. ME who they came to for protection and to hide mistakes from him for fear of his over-reaction. ME who started encouraging them to grow.

ME who, once again, became the “buffer” between them and his rigid conformity and his requirement of their perfection.

Near their 14^th Birthday he suddenly announced he wanted a divorce. No fighting, no conflict, no reason that they could see. It devastated them. It was more than they could comprehend.

The abuser FULLY EXPECTED that the prior two years would have no effect on the work he had done over the first 12 to make himself appear perfect and make me appear abusive. He EXPECTED them to want to leave with him. Like the little tin men he thought he had created, he believed that if he SAID we were going to divorce, they would accept that and simply discard me just as he had. If HE SAID that divorce was the RIGHT thing, they would KNOW that he was right and PERFECT and it would be easily accepted and be a small hiccup in their lives.

He thought that he would move on to his next “conquest” and she would BECOME their MOTHER and that they would replace me with her fully and without reservation….just as HE HAD.

When that is NOT WHAT HAPPENED, he was infuriated. The tide of rage and threats and manipulation and vandalism and crocodile tears and masks and false accusations and court actions and lies was unbelievable.

At one point he even tried to tell them that it was THEIR FAULT.

Oh, he didn’t say it that way.

He told them that he LEFT for THEM because they needed a stable HOME and a stable MOTHER and that they would see in time that he had done this FOR THEM.

The TORMENT he put them through was unconscionable.

THAT is the one thing that I will never forgive and that they will never forget. While I was NEVER perfect, I did not CLAIM to be. But when they saw his mask fall off it was shocking and life altering. He was determined to punish, buy or manipulate that truth out of their minds.

But…it was too late.

They SAW IT and he waited just a little TOO LONG to fool them any longer.

They tried to stand up to him and they did, for a while. But there was still one thing he could use to control both them and ME.

The fear of harm.

When they refused to go with him because they were being mistreated and he was trying to gaslight them into believing his lies…he took me to court and threatened to have me JAILED if they did NOT go with him as scheduled.

They tried to protect me from Jail by going with him even though they were not being treated as people their age should be treated. I was afraid that I would be jailed and that they would be at his MERCY without me as a buffer…so I asked them to go.

ONCE AGAIN, I let the FEAR he instilled in me guide me to ENCOURAGE them to accept his abuse, to pretend to believe his lies, to accept his racism and false religion, his blatant hypocrisy, his unfair punishments and remain as silent as possible. I allowed myself to be manipulated, by his threats, and by fear, into using another set of children as HUMAN SHIELDS.  

I was encouraged to do this by two lawyers who kept saying “It’s only a few more years and then they can decide for themselves”.

And so it went for a year. They would come home upset and depressed and they did not speak to me of what happened over there because they did not want to hurt me or cause me pain or see my anger when I would hear the way they were treated.

Until last week. Last week, he became angry and threw them out of his home. He told them he was no longer interested in seeing them. He pulled them out of bed and dropped them off without even contacting me.

He told them if they did not want a Father he would be happy to oblige. He WOUNDED THEM in a way no parent should ever WOUND a child. He tore off his mask again and he DISCARDED THEM. Just like trash. Just like he had done 3 years ago.

That week was Hell for them. Full of anxiety and extra therapy visits, extra Psychiatry visits. ANYTHING to try to get them past this awful experience.

They did not think he would come back, but I knew better.

On his scheduled day, he showed up to pick them up as if nothing had happened. He did not speak to them for a week…. left them in agonizing pain…full of fear and doubt… devastated their world, once again.

That was their punishment you see.

But when he decided he wanted another crack at them…he thought they would just forget it.

They refused to go. I told them it was up to them and they refused to subject themselves to the retribution they KNEW would be coming. They were AFRAID to go back and they had made up their minds.

So this is my epiphany.

If and when this is brought back into court and I am, once again, threatened with jail if I do NOT MAKE my children continue to accept this abuse. (these “children” are now nearly 17 years old and are young men) I will not WAVER. I will stand and state that I CANNOT make them go and if that means I go to jail… so be it. I am DONE hiding behind my children.

They have suffered enough and I have allowed my fear, and his threats, to control me for the last time.

I am their MOTHER and their ADVOCATE and it is time I started acting like it. They are free to go at any time but their love for me and my love for them will no longer be utilized as a weapon.

It is over… one way or another.

The BITCH is, indeed, BACK!