Monday, March 7, 2016


Narcissists are great imitators. Let me tell you a story. Once, I mentioned in a conversation with some guys (I am one) that jerks who play women make it hard on guys like me, who mean what they say. Later, one of these guys said to me, “Hey, man, I used your line on a woman, about players making it hard on good guys who are sincere, AND IT WORKED!” The trouble was, it wasn't a me, but he made it into a line by IMITATING ME and how I think and speak. Narcissists are like that. Now, something you and I will say to someone we really love is something the narcissist will say in a calculated way, to manipulate. Here's four examples of things a good person will say that a narcissist will fake..... 
1. WE CAN TAKE OUR TIME AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER....I told my wife after long time as friends, and then dating, that I wasn't crazy, I WAS JUST CRAZY ABOUT HER...said with a smile, but she understood I meant it. The truth is that I had thought this for some time and kept it to myself until I thought the time was right and she was ready to hear it. 
A narcissist who is love bombing, however, will come out with “I'm crazy about you” very quickly as way of finding the down lever on your underwear, getting supply, and gaining control over you. My now wife had been so beaten down by her NarcX that she needed to hear that she was attractive, funny, and smart, and that's really true. But, it's a very good thing she didn't meet another narcissist because he would have TOLD HER EXACTLY THAT, because, like me, he would know she needed to hear it, since he would be imitating the kind of man she needed right then. 
The big, big difference was that me telling her I really loved her came at about 1 year into our relationship, not a week or two, and besides, by then it was written all over me, so she could see it. The key, then, was TIME...I took my time, as did she, and it took three years before the M word came out....marriage. However, with a narcissist, they say this sort of thing very quickly. 
2. I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU AND WHAT YOU DO FOR ME....and I do, very much. However, narcissist are never actually grateful because they feel so entitled, but they know very well that expressions of fake gratitude makes you think they will do the same for you, but they won't, not for long. 
Cooking....I'm terrible and my wife is excellent, and there is something about cooking that warms my heart, I suppose because my ex wife never cooked. A lot of work goes into a nice meal. She appreciates the work I do around the house....we both perk up at the appreciation, and that's a very important part of a good relationship, but for the narcissist, it's a part of the love bombing phase, and then, not only do they not appreciate you, they demean and degrade you. 
The key to this one is CONSISTENCY....with a good person, the appreciation and the gratitude are always there, no matter how long you are together, because real love has come to stay. I consider showing appreciation a part of loving, honoring, and cherishing my wife just as I promised, but as you know, wedding vows and promises mean nothing to a narcissist. 
3. HONEY, WE CAN WORK THIS OUT...LET ME HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.....with the emphasis on WE, not me, on US, not I, and with the emphasis on listening with interest and empathy. Have you noticed....narcissists don't listen, or perhaps we should say that you are never actually heard by the narcissist. 
There is a huge difference between knowing that what you say is important and valued, and being ridiculed and berated with sarcasm. When the narcissist says they want to work it out, they mean that you have to give in and let them win, since winning is their goal, not solving problems. They want you to talk so they can attack, divert, or be dismissive...”Oh, God, not again”. 
Notice that in the way a good person will approach problems, and this is the key to this one, is that there is an assumption of EQUALITY between the two of you, and but for the narcissist there is an assumption that they have the power and control over you and that you belong under their thumb. So, the key difference in this one between a good person and a narcissist is EQUALITY between the two of you, and the desire for a WIN-WIN SOLUTION. 
4. GO FOR IT...I'M HAPPY FOR YOUR SUCCESS....a good relationship is also a very good friendship, where you both got each other's back, and you help each other along in life, so that life opens up for you, and your life blossoms. 
It's that positive message that you hear when you share hopes and dreams, successes and failures. Your partner is always there for you. That's not the narcissist, because the N is always in competition with you, so the narcissist is not happy for your success....they will be happy to spend your money, but not to see YOU get accolades and attention, because you are taking attention and supply away from them.
So, you might hear, when you share a success, “So, now you think you're a big shit. Well, you're not. I know who you really are and so do you”, which is demeaning and also dropping a hint that they might reveal something about your past that you entrusted to them privately. The narcissist is such a “Debbie Downer” that you will get depressed at the negativity, though the narcissist may occasionally throw you a bone of positiveness to keep you around. The key here is that a good person is TRULY HAPPY FOR YOUR HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS, and the narcissist isn't, and if you continue to succeed, the narcissist will try to bring you down and wreck your happiness. 
These four things are just for starters, and I imagine you have others to post below. My point here is that the narcissist TWISTS normal, loving situations into something ugly by manipulation and abuse....and that NOTHING can come out right with a narcissist. I am convinced that good relationships are VERY SIMPLE....just the two of you, being kind, loving, and faithful, and helping each other. What could be more simple? Narcissistic relationships, however, are very complex and unhappy that it's impossible for even fairly normal interactions like those above to come out right.

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