by Jenn R
I want to start off by saying that I am not a victim. I am a survivor. By merely changing that one word, we can begin to change our mindsets and look forward towards healing.
For brevity's sake, I will spare you the whole story of how my ex and I met, the sordid details of the abuse and how he gained custody of our two children. He discarded me in May 2010. Since then, I've been to therapy, reading up on emotional abuse and narcissism, and seeking support from a few close friends and family members.
My ex is most certainly a narcissist. From all the research I've done, he fits it to a T. I see him in everything I read!
There are so many facets to emotional abuse. Too many to go into it all here, so I'll focus on the two that have impacted me the most.
Gaslighting is one of many tactics that emotional abusers use to tear down and destroy their victims. Gaslighting is a malicious form of abuse that aims to make the victim doubt her own memory, perception and sanity.
I'll give you a perfect example. I was notorious for misplacing my keys. My ex knew this. One day, he had hidden my keys. I was frantic looking for them....threw couch cushions, poured out the contents of my purse, emptied kitchen drawers. You name it, I looked there. When I was good and frenzied, my ex said all of a sudden, "Oh, there they are" and pointed to the couch where they were sitting neatly on top of an overturned couch cushion. I said I had looked there several times. To which he replied, "Well, you obviously didn't look hard enough."
He had me feeling like I was going crazy!
And that is the ultimate goal of a narcissistic emotional abuser. To make the victim question her sanity, her self worth, and her self esteem to the point that she will no longer recognize herself. She will lose her confidence, her voice, and subsequently become a shell of what she used to be.
The other facet of emotional abuse that has impacted me is verbal abuse. Some might say that verbal abuse goes hand in hand with emotional abuse. I would have to agree. Verbal abuse was a part of my daily emotional abuse.
Verbal abuse can range from name calling to put downs, and from subtle criticisms to minimizing. It also includes judging, blaming, and withholding. My ex used all these tactics, but his go-to verbal abuse tactics were name calling, put downs and blaming.
He'd come home from work and often say "What did you do all day? Sit on your fat a** and eat Bon-Bons?" I'd get called fat, lazy, worthless, crazy, b*tch, crazy fat b*tch.....you name it, he used that derogatory name.
He would frequently blame me for things that went wrong. If he had a bad day at work.....My fault. If the house wasn't spotless.....My fault. If the dog poo wasn't picked up from the backyard.....My fault. The picked up from the backyard.....My fault. The children were cranky when he got home.....My fault. I react negatively to his abuse, so he yells and stuff.....My fault. The ex also blames me for him being discharged from the military!
I mean, he took the kids, his parents didn't want to be the family care plan, and the military discharged him as a result. Well had he given me custody, he'd still be in the military!
It was so naive of me to even expect praise and compliments for keeping things running while he was deployed for nearly 8 months in 2009. The DAY he came home, I got yelled at because hot chocolate got spilled on the stroller my son was in while we were waiting for those buses to pull up with the troops.
No matter what I did, it was never enough. Narcissistic emotional abusers will never change. Ever. They will discard you, then go looking for a new supply. That cycle will never end.
You best bet is to leave your past behind you. Get yourself into therapy. Trust me, it will help you. Take back your life! You are a survivor.
Dear Jenn, i'd be willing to bet alot of housewives had experienced the name-calling, and so their daughters went out to find paid employment. Thanks narcs, because with so many women, who really have no viable choice but to work outside the home, our economy is a wreck. Virtually all women work outside the home and the children end up in daycare, where they are basically warehoused - their imaginations stunted, then come home to tired, stressed-out moms, messy houses (only 24 hours in a day). Also, so many animals end up in shelter cages because nobody is home during the day. i was a housewife for almost three years (unemployed) and this house was ALOT cleaner then. Of course, i have no children - had sensed way too much narcissism, and at 17 made up my mind to never have kids. Also with so many women in the workforce, many old people, who just need looked in upon here and there, end up having to go into nursing facilities. Once again, thanks narcs, for messing up what was once a great society. By the way, the racists of the past (kkk and such) were full-blown narcs. Every lawn has snakes, and always will until the Lord returns.
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