BOOK REVIEW: WHY DOES HE DO THAT?

BOOK REVIEW: WHY DOES HE DO THAT? INSIDE THE

MINDS OF ANGRY AND CONTROLLING MEN 

by Lundy Bancroft

I hasten to mention that my abuser was my NarcX wife, so this applies to female abusers as well. My favorite take away from this book: abusive men want very much for you, and other people, to think that their abusive actions have their origin in some complicated and deeply buried traumas from their pasts. But the reality is actually quite simple and clear – the real cause is the abuser's belief that they have a RIGHT AND ARE ENTITLED to control their partner, and to abuse them.

This detailed book is the mother lode of practical information on domestic violence and verbal/emotional abuse.

This book has sections on:

1. How an abuser THINKS, including a chapter on the many tactics of abusive partners from "Mr. Sensitive" to "the Water Torturer" to "Rambo")...you'll be able to find your abuser in one of these types. Bancroft explores 17 myths about abusers, and you'll realize that your thinking about the abuser has been highly dependent on these myths.

2. How abusers function in relationships, and how abusers fool others, given that it's rare for an abuser to seem like "the type," and how therapists are fooled by abusers.

3. The process of change for an abuser, and the fact that they very, very rarely change, even after years of therapy.

4. Bancroft addresses useful questions such as whether the abuser's apologies and claims to have changed are sincere, or just a part of the hoovering cycle.

If you are thinking of reading this book, it sadly means you likely know you've been, or are being, abused, but after reading it, you'll be glad that you did. It may also mean you want to know if the abusive narcissist is going to change...and you'll find that the answer is “when pigs fly”.

Here's what you'll learn from this book that will change the way you look at the N abuser:

* Behind abuse is a sense of having a right to abuse (entitlement) and degrading opinion of the abused.

* If you think drugs, alcohol, past trauma, or past relationships are causing the abuser to abuse, you're wrong about that. There is no relationship, though the N abuser will go out of their way to make you believe there is, as an excuse.

* The abuser gets a whole lot out of abusing, what, exactly is explained, and thus has little incentive to change. For one thing, for example, the abuser usually has the freedom to do what they want whenever they want, so they generally contribute little to the household, but expect you to to.

* The N abuser constantly uses tactics like manipulation and diversion, in order to confuse you and to continue their habit of abuse.

* The abuser going to substance abuse treatment doesn't stop the abuse because the abuse is caused by the enjoyment of abuse and the sense that the abuser is entitled to abuse you, though the abuser may learn how to use treatment programs to get leverage over you and keep you in the abusive relationship.

*The desire to abuse, the sense of entitlement and ownership of you, the manipulation and other habitual tactics are deeply ingrained and very unlikely to undergo change.

So, knowledge is power, as they say. This book will arm you with loads of knowledge that will completely change your way of looking at the Narc abuser.

Bancroft writes: “Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not the product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.” And, he will tell you why THERAPY OFTEN MAKES ABUSE WORSE.

And, since most abusers are also cheaters, this is also discussed in detail, and also the constant use of triangulation by the abuser. It's harder to leave an abusive relationship than a good one, ironically, and you'll learn the dynamics of trauma bonding as well.

There is much more. This book is not a long one, but it's packed with an amazing amount of information. This book changed my way of looking at N abusers totally. Are they responsible? Are they the victim of biology or bad parenting? You won't have any doubt...they know what they are doing, and they are making conscious decisions to abuse...which they love to do, and they gain a whole lot out of. I highly recommend this book.