By Jenn R.
[this is an insightful and deep article on the narcissistic tactic of love bombing, and yes, even smart people fall for it]
I consider myself an intelligent individual. So it begs the question of how I could be so gullible to fall for love-bombing. Not once. But twice! (At least twice that I'm aware of.)
In the beginning of a relationship, everything is brand new and wonderful. Or so it seems. Your new guy dotes on you, makes you your favorite dessert, spews out compliments left and right. And you just think, "Wow he must really care about me!" (These are ALL calculated efforts, by the way. Everything he does is with purpose.)
Then, little by little, your guy will toss an insult your way, or poke fun at something you said or did. Then after you protest, he'd say "You can't take a joke. You're so sensitive."
In the beginning with my ex, he doted on me and yes, made me my favorite dessert.....chocolate covered strawberries. That was the first time I noticed the love-bombing. (Again, a calculated effort on his part. He NEEDED to have me think he cared. He also does this as reconnaissance to find out more about you....it's called mirroring, and I discuss that below.)
What is love-bombing, anyway? It is an abuser's attempt to flood you with attention, affection, and commonality. He will act like he has common interests or has the same goals. He acts like "Mr. Perfect."
The next (and most obvious) instance of love-bombing came when he wanted to "reconcile." We had been separated a few months, during which time I was living in NJ with my mom. It wasn't a choice of mine to have been separated....it stemmed from an incident at the end of July 2007. (The divorce was supposed to be finalized in January 2008.)
By the end of November 2007, the love-bombing began. I was at work. He harassed me with dozens upon dozens of phone calls to my cell phone WHILE I was at work. I took the phone out into the hallway at one point where he proceeded to love bomb.....He couldn't live without me, he loved me, our 18-month old daughter needed her mommy, he tossed the last one in there for good measure. He KNEW I couldn't say no to my daughter.
I (stupidly) agreed to go back. I put the divorce proceedings on hold. I returned to Washington State at the end of January 2008.
Why did I say stupidly? Because even though I consider myself an intelligent individual, I still allowed myself to get hooked back into his charade. I went back and ended up enduring TWO MORE YEARS of emotional abuse until he discarded me in May 2010.
So if you want to get into a new relationship at some point, how can you tell if someone is love-bombing you or not? What are some of those red flags? You may notice some of all of these in varying degrees.
1. An overwhelming amount of texts, phone calls, and emails that aim to tug at your heartstrings. (Examples could be "good morning, beautiful" texts every morning, a handful of phone calls every day, "goodnight, sweetheart" texts every night.)
2. The sheer amount of contact doesn't give you ample time to ponder things over, or to process things.
3. Excessively stopping by your work or home.
4. Will profess his love for you within a short time, telling you he has never felt this way before.
5. A desire to want to be intimate! He'll pressure you for sex almost as soon as you begin dating.
6. He will mirror you. This means he'll appear to have common goals, interests, etc. Emotional narcissistic abusers have no substance, so they will mold themselves to appear just like you. You will be so amazed at how compatible you are. That is their goal....to appear like your soul mate. They will study you at first, ask seemingly innocent questions about life goals, or stalk you on social media to find out what's most important to you.
I'm sure there are additional red flags, but these are the ones that are most dangerous in my opinion. The abuser aims to pass himself off as the perfect partner.
After my ex, I wasn't sure if I would ever marry again, let alone date again. How would I trust again? How would I know if someone had pure intentions? I did dived into the dating pool about 8 months after my ex discarded me. It only lasted a month, but he ended up teaching me 2 vital lessons......that I was capable of loving again, and that I was worthy of someone's love.
Not long after that, I began dating my now husband. I had countless moments where I had knee jerk reactions from something he said or did. These were PTSD moments. My now husband looked at me and has said, "I'm not him." He has shown me that it IS possible to have a normal relationship. I'm not 100 percent healed, but I take great strides every day in my healing.
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