WORDS YOU SHOULD KNOW: REFRAMING

DO YOU MAKE EXCUSES FOR THE NARCISSIST'S BEHAVIOR?

DOES THE NARCISSIST? TOLERATING ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR BY REFRAMING....

This can be especially true around the holidays, but, really, it is can become a co-dependent habit in a victim. The narcissist loses their temper...you reframe... that they are just a sensitive person.

You told him that you needed more attention and more affection, and positive feedback...his reframing: you're too needy.

He's gone an unusual amount of time...he hides is phone...closes his computer when he comes into the room. It looks like cheating....she reframes like this...he just needs his space. If she gives him his space, he'll be grateful and love her more.

The narcissist slaps you while screaming at you...you reframe it as "At least the N didn't use a fist/weapon because they love me."

You work hard to keep the house clean but the narcissist doesn't help with the house or kids but engages in their hobbies instead....you reframe it as "this is how the N relaxes".

The narcissist neglects the kids and breaks promises, and the children's feeling are hurt...they feel unloved...you reframe by explaining to them that the this is the way the N loves them.

The narcissist complains about your body or your appearance....instead of realizing that the narc is being abusive, you begin a weight loss program and exercise.

No only do victims of narcissists reframe their present reality, they reframe the PAST, making excuses for past bad behavior by reinterpreting the behavior as less culpable. "He/she was younger then." "We were going though a bad time."

A narcissist can reframe by saying that people who object to the domineering behavior are "just jealous", or that the N is far smarter than the critics, or some personal attack.

Constant and intense reframing is a form of brainwashing as the narcissist reframes over and over, so as to demean and belittle you, to degrade and dominate you. Isolating you can be reframed as, "I miss you so much when you're not here." Your quite normal friends are reframed as "sluts and whores". You dress up and the N says..."are you going to wear THAT?", reframing you into having bad taste in clothing.

The narcissists engages in a horrible bout of verbal abuse, which makes you cry, and you ask how the N could do that...and it gets reframed as "you're lucky I put up with you. No one else would."

If this WAS you, thank God you got away. If it IS you, consider making a carefully thought out plan to leave once and for all. You might ask a counselor and a domestic violence shelter for advice.

HOLIDAYS AND CELEBRATIONS..AVOIDING CONTACT WITH THE NARCISSIST

IF YOU HAVE TO BE AROUND A NARCISSIST, DO THIS.....at holidays and special occasions, you may be in the same place as a narcissist, especially if you have grown kids and grandkids. We are at birthdays for our grandkids at the same time as the narcissist. Here are our rules, from hard experience:

1. STAY AWAY...stay across the room and if the narcissist starts toward you, move away and make it plain that this is unwanted.

2. COMMUNICATE YOUR BOUNDARIES to your children and to the narcissist...use email with the narc. Enforce these boundaries invariably and never allow the narcissist or one of their flying monkeys to push you into removing a boundary.

3. IF YOU SIT, SIT AWAY FROM THE NARCISSIST AND ANY FLYING MONKEY...never be drawn into a conversation with or about the narcissist or the narcissist's life.

4. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THE NARCISSIST...in fact, look the other way. This is a clear rejection of the narcissist and any hoovering attempts the narcissist might want to make.

5. IF THE NARCISSIST "AMBUSHES YOU" walk away. Example, you turn around, and the narcissist is right behind you, and speaks to you. Don't communicate in any way. Just calmly go speak to someone else.

6. NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SPOKEN TO ONE ON ONE by the narcissist. The narcissist may try charm, sentimentality, or any other means to talk to you by yourself, away from others. NEVER permit this for any reason. This is a clear hoover attempt, and never permit any form of hoover.

7. EXCUSE YOURSELF IF YOU HAVE TO with an excuse if the narcissist or their flying monkeys get aggressive in pushing contact on you.

We do not permit holiday celebrations with the narcissist. The narcissist can have their time, and we our time. A child's birthday party is different, and we have found these rules to work.

Needless to say, the narcissist and their flying monkeys have tried repeatedly to break these down, without success...so now, the attempts are rare and tend to be more subtle, but are always rebuffed. Don't be afraid to show anger at these attempts. We don't disrupt the event, but we make our feelings known later.

NARCISSIST'S BRAINS DIFFERENT, SAYS SCIENCE

WHY NARCISSISTS DON'T GET BETTER...SCIENCE SHOWS THAT THEIR BRAINS ARE DIFFERENT....narcissists are deficient in the brain in areas that support empathy and compassion. They can be crafty and exhibit strategies that are incredibly damaging to their victims, and no amount of therapy will work, and no matter how long you stay, or how much you love them, will turn them into a normal, kind, decent person. All you can do IS TO GET FAR AWAY AND STAY FAR AWAY FROM A NARCISSIST. Read this:

A far-reaching disorder of the self-esteem is denoted as a narcissistic personality disorder. Persons with pathological narcissism on the one hand suffer from feelings of inferiority, while on the other hand projecting themselves to the world as arrogant, disparaging and self-absorbed.

One of the key features of a narcissistic personality disorder is the lack of empathy. Although patients suffering from such a disorder are well able to recognize what other persons feel, think and intent, they display little compassion.

In this study, the team of scientists led by Privatdozent Dr. Stefan Röpke from the Charité Department of Psychiatry and Director of the personality disorders working group, have for the first time demonstrated the structural correlate of this deficit. They analyzed a total of 34 test subjects, of which 17 suffered from a narcissistic personality disorder.

By means of various tests, the researchers had already revealed in a preliminary study that these patients actually exhibit a deficit of the ability to empathize. Using magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) methods, the scientists measured the thickness of the patients' cerebral cortex. The cerebral cortex forms the external nerve cell layer of the brain.

The findings revealed that those subjects suffering from narcissistic personality disorder exhibited structural abnormalities in precisely that region of the brain, which is involved in the processing and generation of compassion. For patients with narcissism, this region of the cerebral cortex was markedly reduced in thickness compared to the control group.

"Our data shows that the amount of empathy is directly correlated to the volume of gray brain matter of the corresponding cortical representation in the insular region, and that the patients with narcissism exhibit a structural deficit in exactly this area," states Dr. Röpke, commenting on the findings. "Building on this initial structural data, we are currently attempting to use functional imaging (fMRI) to understand better how the brains of patients with narcissistic personality disorder work."

THAT IS THE SCIENCE OF NARCOPATHS...

What remains to be understood is whether someone's brain is like this from early childhood, or becomes this way over time, and if so, why. It has been known for some time, from PET scans, that the brains of narcissists and sociopaths FUNCTION differently, that is, the areas of the brain that function for empathy and compassion don't function normally in these people. This study tends to show that the reason for this is that their brains are structurally different...i.e., they have a "different brain type" if you will, so once you discover this, it would be predictable that they would leave a line of victims in their wake over their lifetime. Can anything, other than to stay away from them, be done? Unknown. One thing I do know...ordinary people, who are "givers" and empaths need to find relationships with people like themselves. The real problem is that narcopaths IMITATE the rest of us very well..that is, they know what is expected of them and are able, if they wished, to conform their behavior to social expectations, but they don't want to. They delight in abusiveness and manipulation, and love, in the sense you and I mean it, is not possible for them, it would seem.

5 BIG RED FLAGS YOU MIGHT MISS...

HOT BUTTON ISSUES WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW....you may have read the signs someone is a narcissist, but let me tell you a few things that can be a HUGE red flag....from my experience and the experience of others.

1. Overt the top with religiousness....especially if they know or believe you are religious or spiritual. The idea is that being religious, or "Godly" means they are particularly trustworthy and moral. Oh, how I wish that were true. My NarcX simply found out my religious views and "mirrored" them back to me. Be careful of this one, even if the person regularly attends services. DO NOT assume that they are sincere, even if they have the support of their religious leader or congregation. Narcissists often do.

2. The person goes out of their way to describe themselves as being the embodiment of virtue. Look, we all have flaws and faults. Worse, the person tells YOU that you are perfect. No, you aren't, and you know that. This is typical of the "idealization phase" of the narcissistic relationship, in which the love bombing occurs.

3. They claim to have advanced educational degrees or extraordinary accomplishments...they are an engineer...they were a Navy seal and won heroic medals....they know important people...etc. My wife made me show her my degree, my transcripts, my military records, and the like...and this is very smart, and exactly what she should have done. This is a "no excuses" situation...put up, or shut up. I wasn't offended and no good person will be because they understand the reason for the request.

4. They claim they are accomplished professionals. Narcopaths can go to extraordinary measures to make it seem as though they are exactly that, and generally, they will say they are in a high paying profession. Once narc who said he was the president of a corporation actually took the woman into his office on the weekend...except the was the janitor. One man who wore a physicians white coat and drove an expensive car, took the victim to his beautiful home, except he was the keeper and maintenance person for the doctor, not the doctor.

5. They have a tragic past. They are widows or widowers, or the victim of a horrible, lying, cheating ex...they are so hurt, so broken, that they virtually beg to be rescued and mended. Except it isn't true, but it's a highly effective strategy.

How about you? What have you noticed as BIG RED FLAGS that you may be with a narcissist? Let us know, below.

WHEN THE MASK DROPS OFF....

WHEN THE NARCISSIST KNOWS THEY'VE GOT YOU, THE MASK COMES OFF.....it may be right after the wedding, or it maybe after they've moved in and you believe that you are on the way to getting married, or, in my case, it was when my NarcX wife was very pregnant, and especially after the birth of our first child.

With my now wife, it was when she and her NarcX were married and bought their first home. In any case, when the narcissist knows you are totally "all in", that's when the abuse begins, and then, it picks up steam, getting worse the longer you are with the narcissist. However, the narc knows how to produce a trauma bond...but mixing good times in with the bad, by off and on giving you a "dose" of love bombing, just enough to keep you hooked.

As this goes on, this intermittent reinforcement/abuse cycle keeps you walking on egg shells, so you constantly yearn for the narcissist's approval, and at that point, it becomes an addiction to the process and to the abuser, which survives the discard and sets you up for the next phase: the hoover. It's all tactics to the narcissist, not love.

MISUSING BIBLICAL PASSAGES

NARCISSISTS MISUSE AND MISINTERPRET BIBLICAL PASSAGES TO SUIT THEIR OWN PURPOSE.....we are not required to do more than God would do, right?...but rather, as God would do. SINCERE repentance, as show by actions and a change of their life, including making real amends to those you've hurt, PRECEDES forgiveness, and even that wouldn't prevent us from doing what would protect ourselves in the future. Narcissists want "cheap grace". 

Forgiveness WITHOUT sincere repentance or making amends or making real change is what the narcissist is after...in short, the narcissist is after our submitting to their wrong, lies, and abuse, which is something we must not do, and God does certainly not require. 

To paraphrase...resist the narcissist and he will flee from you....flaming abuse the whole way.

NARCISSISTIC VICTIMS CAN BE INDECISIVE AND SECURE

My now wife had been intensely abused for over 25 years by her NarcX. I met her 5 years after her divorce, and for quite some time, whatever she did, whatever decision she made, she'd turn to me, looking very worried, and ask, "Is that OK?"

This was about very small decisions, including buying anything in the grocery store, however small, or going to have coffee with a friend. Big decisions were paralyzing. She had been so beaten down, criticized, and punished by her NarcX for decisions she made that this was the result.

I told her I wasn't her jailer, I was her BF (later husband) and she should do as she thought best. That proved a hard sell. Finally, we made an agreement that she should buy anything under $20 without asking....that was a rule SHE wanted, not me, but even then, she was uncomfortable with it. That number got raised to $100, then eliminated. Recovery is gradual. Now, she is courteous in telling me where she's going, but never asks permission anymore, and has no fear of spending money as she thinks best.

Good relationships cause us to grow and flourish, and produce independence of mind, even while you have interdependence in your relationship. The indecisive and insecure woman she once was....that was caused by FEAR of her ex's disapproval, for that would result in abuse. The ugly truth is that her NarcX wanted her to be that way. He made he like that...it's a life filled with high anxiety...and then, he criticized her for THAT as well, something he caused, something she could not help under the circumstances.

WORDS YOU SHOULD KNOW: OBJECTIFICATION

OBJECTIFICATION means to treat a person like an object.  The computer or phone you use is an object.  Your car is an object, as is your faucet.  With an object, you don't have to consider the hopes and dreams, or emotions of an object...an object is USEFUL for some purpose.

You can't lie to an object, or cheat on an object, or hurt an object...if you break it, you get another one.  I pick up my iced tea and drink it, and discard what I don't use.   A narcissist views PEOPLE as objects and treat them like we treat objects in our lives.

I take care of an object in my life, say my car, but that's for my sake, not the car's sake.  I need the car for a purpose, but when I need another, I trade it in for a better model that does the job for me.  Now, obviously, I don't think of my beloved wife this way, but a narcissist does think of their partner, and everyone else, this way.  I don't have a commitment to my car but I do to my wife.  I don't make promises to my car, but I do to my wife and my son.

Likewise, a narcissist places different values on people as objects, based on how useful they are for a purpose, say, sex, money, or supply.  The narcissist may discard you at one time, and find you useful FOR A PURPOSE at another time, hence, the hoovering...for instance, to use as an occasional sex partner and for a temporary source of supply.

Narcissists can treat people as status objects as well, like buying an expensive car.  You may be arm candy.  Or, if you have a special talent, or are respected, so the narcissist wants this to rub off on them.

Another type of object is TOOLS, and people can be tools for a narcissist.  An example of this are flying monkeys who support and defend the narcissist and attack the narcissist's victims.

So, if you are still with a narcissist, or you are considering going back to the narcissist, you should know that you are no more than an object.  You have a certain usefulness to the narcissist, even as an object to abuse, which gives the narcissist enjoyment, or someone to use, and to beat down, to the delight of the narcissist.

And, if  you wonder why you will never get closure with a narcissist....well, you don't feel remorse about discarding a soda can, do you?  You have no more significance than that to a narcissist.  You are truly worthy of real, lasting love, faithfulness, and honesty.  How the narcissist sees you is very, very disturbing, which is why you need to put all narcissists out of your life permanently.

BUT I STILL LOVE THE NARCISSIST!.....

YOUR HEART VS YOUR MIND....it can be a tug of war after you are no longer with the narcissist.  I have heard many people say that although they KNOW what the narc is, and know that the narc is using them and is bad for them, destroying them, that they don't go no contact with the narcissist or keep the narc out of their lives because "they love" the narc.

But, do they?  The experts say that this is called a "trauma bond", and survivors need to read up on that topic.  One thing is for sure...there is NO SILVER BULLET that ends the feelings...or, if there is one, it's TIME, and moving on with your life, and maintaining strict no contact (if you have kids with the N, use minimal contact, as explained on the left side of our main page, under Notes).

To put it plainly, YOU are the one who can help you and it takes a lot of guts, and you have to be strong and resist the feeling of wanting to contact the narc, or letting the narc contact you FOR ANY REASON.  This is a time of HEAD OVER HEART...that is, you have to do what you KNOW is right and best for you, not what you feel like doing.

This is because trauma bonding is AN ADDICTION TO A PERSON, and you are having withdrawal feelings like any addict, and like any other addict, you have to resist "using" again, in this case, the narcissist.  Do counseling, or find a recovery group, which will help.  But, in the end, whether you move on to a much better life, and the love you always wanted, is up to you.

Like any addict, you may be clean and sober, so to speak, for quite some time and then, experience cravings again...6 months later, or 6 years later.  No matter.  Expect it to happen.  Take a step back, and detach and observe yourself.  Talk to yourself about it.  You can do this.  The world is full of victims who have moved on to happiness.  This forum has many.  You will be one of them.

And, by the way, the good times will NOT return...at least not for long, and the narcissist will NOT change, not for long.  You will be love bombed, then devalued and abused, then discarded, again...and again....and again....as long as you allow it...but you're smarter than that.