My now wife had been intensely abused for over 25 years by her NarcX. I met her 5 years after her divorce, and for quite some time, whatever she did, whatever decision she made, she'd turn to me, looking very worried, and ask, "Is that OK?"
This was about very small decisions, including buying anything in the grocery store, however small, or going to have coffee with a friend. Big decisions were paralyzing. She had been so beaten down, criticized, and punished by her NarcX for decisions she made that this was the result.
I told her I wasn't her jailer, I was her BF (later husband) and she should do as she thought best. That proved a hard sell. Finally, we made an agreement that she should buy anything under $20 without asking....that was a rule SHE wanted, not me, but even then, she was uncomfortable with it. That number got raised to $100, then eliminated. Recovery is gradual. Now, she is courteous in telling me where she's going, but never asks permission anymore, and has no fear of spending money as she thinks best.
Good relationships cause us to grow and flourish, and produce independence of mind, even while you have interdependence in your relationship. The indecisive and insecure woman she once was....that was caused by FEAR of her ex's disapproval, for that would result in abuse. The ugly truth is that her NarcX wanted her to be that way. He made he like that...it's a life filled with high anxiety...and then, he criticized her for THAT as well, something he caused, something she could not help under the circumstances.
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