GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST?

Is that even possible? Well, to begin with, what you call a good relationship is not what a narcissist calls a good relationship. I suspect you mean kindness, compassion, empathy, trust, mutual respect, and a deep, mature love. Most of us know only too well how hard it is to have that at all, but with a narcissist? I'm afraid not.

Narcissists are not capable of being this way...oh, they know it when they see it, and can imitate it for a while, but as Mark Twain said, they know the words but not the tune. They are completely unable to actually do these things over time because it's all an act and not a natural result of deep love.

Couldn't I just explain this to them so they'd find a way to change, maybe with therapy? Well, the narcissist would have no idea what you were talking about. It's as if you were to say to a person who had been deaf for his whole life that something sounded like a bell. How would the person know what a bell sounds like? They know what a bell looks like, but they have no experience of a bell. So, explaining is futile. Besides, since how they are is all they've ever known, then they can't conceive of there being anything wrong with them.

Let's try another example. Since I am a normal, empathetic person, if I was acting in a movie, I could play a cold blooded, evil person with no conscience, but I wouldn't be one. I'd be acting the part, not becoming that person. Likewise, the narcissist can act the part of an empathetic person, but they can never become one. However, their acting is so good that they fool us into thinking they are a normal, empathetic person just like us.

However, after a while, their true self comes to the fore, because the normal person they are playing is not who they are inside. The other factor is that narcissists enjoy the process of abuse, which is why they do it for seemingly no reason. Enjoyment of sadistic pleasure is the reason. I enjoy gardening and baseball....so, I do them, and it's as simple as that.

The narcissist is always self centered and ego driven, and strongly driven to gain supply. A combination of maximizing their supply, feeling powerful by being in control, and from abusing, is their way of seeing the world, and you can see that this is so totally different from your own, that telling them they need to change would mean nothing.

Once our basic needs are fulfilled for food, shelter, and the like, the most valuable things to us are our human relations, especially with our partner. Our feelings of love, compassion, kindness, our spiritual life, empathy, plus our happiness for other people's happiness, are our most important, and most fulfilling things in our lives.

The narcissist, however, feels none of these and so, is an empty shell, which they try to fill up with possessions, status, the admiration of others, sex, and other sources of supply. They are otherwise completely empty and may express this by saying they don't really know who they are, because there are only what they see reflected back to them from other people.

So, we are GIVERS. But, the narcissist is a TAKER. We give love and acceptance because we know that this makes the other happy. The narcissist does what they do to make THEMSELVES feel better, not you. We believe (wrongly, as it turns out), that all people are capable of being good. The narcissist believes that all people are just like them and are hypocrites who won't admit it.

When a problem arises, we seek to resolve it....but the narcissist seeks to win at all costs. We make a mistake, we admit it and apologize....the narcissist blames you or someone else. We feel warm when we are kind and compassionate....the narcissist is a consummate manipulator. We forgive....the narcissist has to have revenge. We prize loyalty and fidelity.....the narcissist prizes novelty and new supply.

So, now you can see just how impossible it is to have a lasting relationship with a narcissist.  No matter how long you stay with the narcissist, or how loving you are, or how forgiving, or how loyal, the narcissist will invariably lie, cheat, steal, abuse you, and bad mouth you to others, because it is NEVER about your happiness. Everything the narcissist does is for themselves and their ego....to get what they want.

My questions is: Is this how you want to live?