WHEN IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER. SO, WHY THE HOOVER?

Not for the narcissist. For the narc, it's NEVER over, which is why they hoover you again and again (hoovering = named after the vacuum, meaning, to try to suck you back into their life). A lot of victims want to know WHY the narcissist does this. I mean, the N SAYS that they miss you, that they're sorry, and all that, maybe even that they still love you. Chances are, you let the narc back into your life at least once, and maybe more times. I did. My now wife did, three times near the end of their marriage. Yet, it turns out that the narcissist hasn't changed at all, and given that they continue to abuse and cheat, the reason for the hoover can't sensibly be LOVE. So, why do they do it?

First, as most of you know, the main goal of the narcissist is supply, and you're a good source of supply. Hey, if the N can crap all over you and you still take them back, to them, HEY, THEY GOT IT...AND THEY GOT YOU. What the narc hates is when they mean nothing to you and you are indifferent to them. So, they hoover.

Second, narcissists are big ego maniacs and control freaks, so getting you back into their lives after they dumped you is a huge ego boost, and now they have control over you again, and can use you for sex and supply, money, or anything they wish. To the narc, although they will end up crushing your dreams, they are thinking, “How cool is this?”

Third, narcs love to abuse and manipulate, and if they can hoover you, they can twist your head in knots, and maybe even triangulate you with the new supply or other women. You are so incredibly encouraged, happy, and hopeful at this point, the narcissist is in sheer glee at the thought of tearing you to shreds.

Fourth, it makes anything you've said about the narcissist seem like a lie. In fact, when asked by your friends why you went back, you will defend the narcissist, destroying your credibility and allowing the narc to end up calling you crazy and unstable, meaning, they can play the victim to others.

You are a threat to the narcissist's image, and hoovering you neutralizes that threat.

Then, there is the blackmail factor. There always has to be in the back of the victim's mind that if they refuse the hoover and turn their back completely on the narcissist, the N will destroy the victim's reputation with secrets the N knows now, and with total lies, and by twisting the truth, so as to isolate the victim and deny them any form of support.

What other people don't understand is that a break up with a narcissist is NOT ANYTHING like a break up with someone else. That's hard enough, but this is like being at the center of a hurricane and the destruction is total. Breakups are an ending and there soon is another beginning, but recovery from a narcissistic relationship is extremely difficult and takes a long time.

Well meaning friends who want you to just get on with it are a problem in themselves. You've been through sheer hell and now, you have to deal with friends telling you NOT to go back with the N, and others telling you what a catch the N is. The drama is endless, and then, BINGO, here comes a hoover.

That's why it's VERY important to learn all about setting boundaries, one of which is “NO CONTACT” of any kind with the narcissist, and no narc dipping (checking the N's Facebook page, reading emails, reading texts, looking at pictures, etc). This site has good articles on setting boundaries and going no contact.

If you have children with the narcissist, you might read the article on having MINIMAL contact with the narcissist.

Without good boundaries and NO OR MINIMAL CONTACT, you will let the narcissist continue to manipulate, use, and abuse you. Recovery begins with NO CONTACT, and then, give yourself time, and lots of it. You will recover and have a good life. Many of us have. So will you.