Wednesday, October 7, 2015

WORDS YOU SHOULD KNOW: NARCISSISTIC ILLUSION


An inherent part of any narcissistic relationship is the illusion...that the relationship is not what it seems to be, but rather, during the initial phase, called “love bombing”, the narcissist feeds the victim a false view of himself, their relationship, and the future.

This is a form of brainwashing that is intended to give you a feeling of certainty about the choices you are making, and to make you feel confident and safe. This comes in the form of extremely positive statements about the victim to the effect that the victim is everything the narcissist ever wanted, that they have never met anyone like the victim, and never felt this way, and that the victim is perfect. That the praise is way over the top, and comes far too soon, is a sure sign of love bombing.

This makes the victim feel that they are in the driver's seat in the relationship...namely, that the power balance in the relationship, which should be equal, is actually far in the favor of the victim, since IT APPEARS that the narcissist wants the relationship so much that the victim is extremely treasured and exceptionally special. The victim LOVES this level of attention and it seems so sincere that the victim believes the narcissist's lies, setting up the illusion. This is love bombing phase is called by therapists “the idealization phase”.

The victim is now set up for the biggest disappointment of their life since they believe, quite reasonably, that they have found the perfect partner...it is the fulfillment of a dream. We have all heard that if something seems to be too good to be true, it is, and we all know this saying, but the narcissist is an incredibly good actor and extremely convincing.

What happens next comes as a shock...the narcissist begins to change and instead of showing admiration for the victim, they show contempt, disdain, negativity, and abuse...and, they tell the victim that THEY are to blame. The victim is now in what therapists call “the devaluation phase.” The victim can do nothing right at this point and, in fact, the confusing thing is that what was once praised is now criticized. In fact, now the victim is despised for the very qualities that were admired...for instance, the victim's independence and self reliance is now criticized as not paying enough attention to the relationship, and so means requiring the victim to get the approval of the narcissist for nearly everything. This causes the victim to walk on egg shells...which therapists call “hyper vigilance”. This, in turn, produces high anxiety in the victim.

In addition, the narcissist begins to show contempt for the victim in that the narcissist's fidelity is reasonably in doubt....guarding the phone, hiding surf history, sexy emails, lost time...and any mention of this is met with anger and accusations that the victim is irrational...crazy.

Now, you might wonder why the victim doesn't leave at this point? Some do, but most don't. The reason is that the victim still believes the illusion that the narcissist gave them early in the relationship....AND, the narcissist gives the victim just enough positive attention, sort of a mini love bombing, to keep them hooked until the narcissist is done with them. In addition, by now, the victim has lost all their self esteem and has no confidence, and is beaten down, depressed, and stressed...barely holding on. The narcissist now convinces their friends and family that the victim is mentally ill.

By this time, the victim has lost all sense of self and is in the control of the narcissist, and focused on the wants and needs of the narcissist, and pleasing the narcissist, with their own needs left behind. The victim has lost much of the ability to reason for themselves, because they have been GASLIGHTED, meaning, the narcissist has caused them to doubt their own mind, thinking, and perceptions, by manipulating the victim into thinking they can't trust themselves to understand and know what is happening in their life. In this way, the narcissist makes the victim think that they need the narcissist just to survive since they are helpless without the narcissist. The narcissist makes the decisions for the victim. This, too, is part of a new illusion...the illusion of helplessness.

At some point, either the narcissist discards the victim, or the victim is in such pain that they leave, but since the narcissist has turned all their friends and family against the victim (called “flying monkeys” by therapists), they don't know who they can trust, and it is likely that these people will do the victim more harm than good. This produces isolation.

Now, the destruction of the victim's life is complete because not only are they beaten down, depressed, stressed, and in pain, they are also alone, and fearful of having a new relationship for fear that they can trust no one. This keeps the victim in the control of the abuser even in the abuser's absence, since it give the narcissist the opportunity to “hoover” the victim by love bombing them again. Hoovering is the term used by therapists to refer to any form of manipulation meant to “suck the victim back in” to the narcissist's life, and is named after the vacuum. The victim now has to either face the harsh reality of life and begin to reconstruct a new and better life, or fall back into the illusion, be abused, and discarded yet again...and again...and again...

In order to begin a new life, it's necessary for the victim to give up the illusion and realize that the narcissist is a con artist and never loved them, that it has been a lie all along, done for the express purpose of doing the above, of abusing and hurting them. This may be the most difficult moment of your life since it destroys the beautiful dream that never was. You will still want to believe it was true, and that perhaps the narcissist does love you, that you could be happy, if only.... You can cling to that illusion if you want to, but if you do, your misery will go on and on.

Once you realize that the narcissist has been abusing you, and that there is nothing wrong with you and never was, and that the narcissist has been deceiving you, and that the narcissist never was the perfect partner, so there is no getting back what never was, then you can begin to STOP TRYING TO PLEASE YOUR ABUSER.

It takes a long time for you to get better...a very long time. It's slow and gradual, and having no contact with the narcissist is the best, and only way to begin. If you have a child, and must do minimal contact, I suggest you read the post on our Facebook page under the Notes section about how to do this.

You will slowly begin to understand, and slowly begin to trust yourself again. Narcissistic abuse CAN be healed. I have healed, as has my now wife. Life can be better, and happier, and the evil reality of the narcissist can and will be but a distant memory. Your life has been touched by a deep evil and by a liar and a predator. On this site's Facebook page, you will find friends who truly understand what you have been through and can provide support.

Talk to them...post your thoughts...regularly. It's liberating and validating. You'll notice that now you see the red flags of narcissism that you once missed. If you are love bombed again, you'll know you are with a narcissist and exit the situation. You'll get stronger with time. And independent again. And then, you will be ready for a new relationship...a genuine one. I know. Been there, done that, got the marriage license to prove it.


30 comments:

  1. I want to thank you for putting together the perfect words to describe what happened to me from the time of 5 years old. After then I duplicated that experience of abuse over and over again. It is what I was taught love is. I am 51 years old and just now finding the words myself to explain what happened to me. My parents would sit down with me at the table and ask me, "Dawn, what is wrong?" I was paralyzed. Ohhhh how things would have been different for me if I had the words back then.

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  2. I'm having trouble finding support on these narcissistic awareness fb pages, I am the other woman, unwitting, but still I was, there is so much malice towards the new target that I feel lumped in wirh the narcissist in the villain character, don't understand why the exes of these men don't accept that we were lied to also. Just wondered if anyone else felt this, or if I am on my own. Thanks

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    1. I was the "other woman" before I became the "victim" in other ways as well. I think that, for the most part, the victims of the narc abusers actually do quite a GOOD job of NOT completely blaming the "other person". They are, quite often, recognized to be just additional victims. AS the other woman...the one who was cheated WITH and then cheated ON...I see myself in both ways. I am neither a tremendous VILLIAN or completely innocent. I have to see myself for what I am...an imperfect person who has made mistakes. I can ask for others to forgive me but I do not have the ability to DEMAND this foregiveness. Those demands lie within the entitlement of the ABUSERS and they, alone, feel justified IN commanding OTHERS TO FORgive THEM.

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    2. My narc cheated on me!You don't think I knew it?I didn't know with who but its not hard to figure when my narc is gone for periods of time with no explanation!And they do it continually!!!But youre the other woman and you didn't know?Youre not smart enough to figure out the guy lives with someone else?So that makes you a victim too?Youre full of shit!!!Of course you knew but you didn't care!!!You are nothing more than the typical home wreaker who didn't get your way and now you want everyone to feel sorry for you!!!!well I sure as fuck don't!!!I will tell you what I would say to any home wreaker GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!Oh and HA HA HA!!!I love it when the other woman gets burnt!!!That's the perfect ending!!!!!

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    3. Oh and yes you were lied to by the narc!You were manipulated into thinking that the narc was going to leave his woman for you!But he DIDNT!!!You are not the victim here!!!The woman he lived with is the REAL victim!!!!!

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  3. I'm having trouble finding support on these narcissistic awareness fb pages, I am the other woman, unwitting, but still I was, there is so much malice towards the new target that I feel lumped in wirh the narcissist in the villain character, don't understand why the exes of these men don't accept that we were lied to also. Just wondered if anyone else felt this, or if I am on my own. Thanks

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    1. Margaret, then why not accept that you are also a victim, get out, and support the other women who have been victims of the Narc? Perhaps an apology to the woman who you know you wronged while believing the Narcs lies. It's sure to validate both of you and infuriate the Narc because it'll show you both have him figured out and you are a team.

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    2. I am out, once I found out I got out, she doesn't want an apology from me, sorry for what? Again this is what I mean, I am alone in this, thanks for clarifying

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    3. I am out, once I found out I got out, she doesn't want an apology from me, sorry for what? Again this is what I mean, I am alone in this, thanks for clarifying

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    4. Did you assist the Narc in the smear campaign or help him lie? That's what I want an apology for from his new supply. I think as victims begin to heal they realize that the new target is a victim as well. But at first there is a lot of anger toward the new supply. As you learn and process and begin to heal you do realize they are a victim too and the narc used pity to win the new target over making the original victim look like the bad guy. If you got out before you were replaced you did not experience the same discard as the victim before you. Some people are luckier than others.

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    5. No, nothing like that, he was my first love, 30 years later he comes back, tells me about his horrible life with his ex wife and how he is a wreck caring for a mentally ill woman, I think he is a good guy, lost soul, and I loved him, thought of him all my life, and here he was again, madly in love with me, I helped him financially, etc. Anyway turns out they are together, she collects ss for mental illness, lives with him, divorced but it works for them money wise, he lies and lies, lies to her too, plays us both, I end it, they are together, she drives the car I helped pay for and has harassed me wirh horrible emails and my kids, he still , till a few weeks ago is begging me to be with him while she fights like a lunatic to keep him, I didn't know, he lied, I tried to be kind, anyway, I'm broken because I believed him, I loved him, she was really nasty, I thought she was sick and I was helping, guess I did, she has a new car, oh well, I left him, he would have kept going, idk, how could I gave known people would just try and hurt you for no reason? I thought he loved me,

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    6. No, nothing like that, he was my first love, 30 years later he comes back, tells me about his horrible life with his ex wife and how he is a wreck caring for a mentally ill woman, I think he is a good guy, lost soul, and I loved him, thought of him all my life, and here he was again, madly in love with me, I helped him financially, etc. Anyway turns out they are together, she collects ss for mental illness, lives with him, divorced but it works for them money wise, he lies and lies, lies to her too, plays us both, I end it, they are together, she drives the car I helped pay for and has harassed me wirh horrible emails and my kids, he still , till a few weeks ago is begging me to be with him while she fights like a lunatic to keep him, I didn't know, he lied, I tried to be kind, anyway, I'm broken because I believed him, I loved him, she was really nasty, I thought she was sick and I was helping, guess I did, she has a new car, oh well, I left him, he would have kept going, idk, how could I gave known people would just try and hurt you for no reason? I thought he loved me,

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    7. I was such a fool, I bought presents for her for hid children for mothers day, he was filled with such hatred for her, I constantly talked to him about respect, kindness, the bad example he was setting for his kids, he played me, for money, sex, just the joy of wrecking my life, they just went on vacation together, I found out online, by accident, I don't know what she thought about it, I never even saw her, just emails that confused the hell out of me, once I realized it was all lies it made sense, then I Google liar and wound up here, but I'm not the ex wife I'm yhe idiot who thought she was with a single guy, sorry, guess I just feel so bad, need to say it. Thanks

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    8. I was such a fool, I bought presents for her for hid children for mothers day, he was filled with such hatred for her, I constantly talked to him about respect, kindness, the bad example he was setting for his kids, he played me, for money, sex, just the joy of wrecking my life, they just went on vacation together, I found out online, by accident, I don't know what she thought about it, I never even saw her, just emails that confused the hell out of me, once I realized it was all lies it made sense, then I Google liar and wound up here, but I'm not the ex wife I'm yhe idiot who thought she was with a single guy, sorry, guess I just feel so bad, need to say it. Thanks

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    9. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Sounds like maybe she has some personality issues as well, if she is so hateful towards you, especially if she knew you were clueless and you ended it when you found out. We do fall hard for them and it's such a long recovery process, because we are grieving something we never truly had. Even if you don't find exactly what you are looking for in these blogs or pages, keep searching and gaining knowledge. You are a survivor. Remember that you are loveable, worthy of respect, dignity, honesty, and loyalty. That is my mantra and what I teach my kids. I hope that helps you and you don't feel so alone.

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    10. P.S. I wouldn't consider you "the other woman", you didn't date him knowing he was with someone else. You are a victim/survivor like the rest of us that are searching for answers.

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    11. http://letmereach.com/2014/08/10/the-narcissist-the-ex-and-the-new-girlfriend-the-art-of-triangulation/

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    12. Thankyou amy, thankyou for listening and responding, really appreciate it.

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    13. Thankyou amy, thankyou for listening and responding, really appreciate it.

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  4. So validating when I read this. 12 years of this circle of madness. I left my Husband in 2008 and it has become a whole different kind of hell. Yes , Iam single but he still terrorizes us just as much but more. He has made a second career taking me to court. He has not had a girlfriend or any kind of life besides making my life and now our 14 yr. Old daughters life miserable. No judge or police can see past the " wolf in sheep's clothing" how do I move on. Iam basically an introvert and do nothing. Afraid....

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  5. So validating when I read this. 12 years of this circle of madness. I left my Husband in 2008 and it has become a whole different kind of hell. Yes , Iam single but he still terrorizes us just as much but more. He has made a second career taking me to court. He has not had a girlfriend or any kind of life besides making my life and now our 14 yr. Old daughters life miserable. No judge or police can see past the " wolf in sheep's clothing" how do I move on. Iam basically an introvert and do nothing. Afraid....

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  6. Thank you to the author for the excellent explanation on the stages of narc abuse. Nothing is by accident, we are reading these blogs/posts to learn, grow and heal!

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  7. I am recovering from my 2nd narc and still a struggle for me at times because strangely enough I miss him terribly. It has been 6 months that feels like an eternity. I have gone no contact but feel guilty at times for "hurting his feelings" for not talking to him. Ughhhh! The recovery is very slow and I can still hear the abusers words that I will never find anyone again at my age. This last one was a shy/covert narc and threw me for a loop. (1st one was overt narc and an alcoholic to boot--my husband of 15 years). With the shy/covert narc of 3 years I was the recipient of hot n cold attention, silent treatment, emotional withholding, unmotivated, poor me victim behavior (that I was just so sure I could rescue), defensiveness, and rage episodes. My needs were not being met emotionally and when I would share my feelings I faced only more of a stone cold heart, anger, rage and being told I was crazy. I was crippled with extreme anxiety, self doubt and lost all confidence to the point I did not recognize myself. The pain was so bad to the point of experiencing panic attacks. Love shouldn't be this hard, I shouldn't feel so physically ill by another person. Stress weakens our bodies and minds and gives a window of opportunity to disease. It was extremely difficult but I was able to stand up for what is meaningful to me and walk away. I had held on tight to the perception of what we had that didn't really exist. I held on tight to the dream of what our future held, which was in reality blank and there never was any future. I was in love with his potential and not who was standing before me. It is a tremendous relief to be free of that daily stress and angst. I am feeling like my ole self, rebuilding my confidence and getting that twinkle of exuberance back in my eyes.

    I have to admit I've been feeling paranoid of being abused again and reluctant to date. Having trouble trusting myself even when my intuition knew in both narc experiences that something was not right and something was very out of balance with that person. My advice, trust your instincts and act on them! I've learned a ton about codependency and how to take care of myself first. It is a slow process but I am on my way. I still hold the vision of being in a healthy relationship and have mutual love with someone who is whole and genuine. I know they exist! In the meantime I will keep praying and take excellent care of ME!

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  8. This article was written about my husband. It just has to be. His behavior and the demise of my once perfect marriage. ..Although VERY short lived... is EXACT. I have recently been discarded after a particularly horrendous 8 year marriage and just started the longgggg painful process of healing. I can only pray for the woman he left me for

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  10. My NX ran to another woman right after he dumped me. She is married and a self proclaimed peace-loving hippy who loves everything and everyone. I contacted her to warn her and was very easy going and nice about it. (which I will never do again, learned my lesson). Needless to say, it back fired and we got into it (Again, my stupid mistake and will never do again) Me confronting her was then a trigger for a massive smear campaign. She was the perfect bait ..She then joined his smear campaign against me and supported his needs. Here is what I wrote to her afterwards and after I was able to make a police report for the online harassment and bullying that she helped him with:
    " You were the accomplice in his plot against me. You helped him and thought it was being done FOR you. What you don't understand is, he didn't have you in mind. He has his own vengeful needs that he needs to satisfy. Don't think he was defending your honor. He was simply using you as a means to let it all out on me. If you think this was some valiant effort to prove how much he cares about you, think again. You were the perfect bait and are the perfect type to be manipulated into doing anything for his attention. This wasn't some chivalrous act to swoop in and save the damsel in distress, you were used to commit a crime. He knew that you could and will get in trouble legally for this because you are in the US and he is not, yet he threw you to the wolves any way.. The perfect situation and position to be in and not get his hands dirty. Being that you preach peace and love, what YOU did makes you a hypocrite. You are a fraud and this proves you are blind to what you think you are involved with and I actually feel bad for you. The fact that you threw all your morals and spirituality aside for his revenge plot against me says everything about who you are trying to be. And just so you know, the less I care about you, the less value you are to him. Once I'm gone, you will be nothing to him."

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  11. I'm needing help understanding my situation with my ex narc. I've known my narc since we were kids. Ages 13 and 11. At that young age he really liked me and it was obvious to others. We never dated because we were living different lives but saw each other from time to time. He came to my birthday parties and any family events if his siblings came up until high school. My 1st year of college we hung out for a bit. He had a girlfriend throughout high school and at that time in college the same one, we were strictly friends in my eyes but i could see he was interested. Anyways I got married and pregnant and we talked through text, he was like my best friend never crossed a boundary or made his feelings known. Then stopped talking to me for a year and blocked me on Facebook because his girlfriend asked him to. Another year went by and we bumped into each other at college with his girlfriend. She walked away and he stayed to talk with me for sometime. We didn't talk for a few months after that encounter then he added me on facebook again. We started talking again here and there then we met up with family members to see him and again obvious that he liked me. Eventually we continued to hang out and then got sucked into a brief affair for a few weeks. I didn't sleep with him thank God or do any other sexual acts but we missed and cuddled and etc..still it's cheating. Anyways i was ready to leave my husband for him but by the second month of getting into this I finally decided to end things with the narc. He was devastated and so was I. Since leaving him it's been 3 years of back and forth reaching out to try to be friends or stay in each others lives somehow. But I kept ending those attempts because he kept crossing the boundary of just trying to be friends. It's been 6 months since I last saw him and he has a girlfriend now. He has told me that what's happening between us needs to stop now and that I'm obsessed with him and he has a beautiful girlfriend now who is good to him then when I was saying ok I'm done and that I hated him he tried to convince me to see him and to not hate him. That i needed to move on from him and why can't I because he easily has been able to. I started questioning if I was the one who kept this going? Was I really the one who was crazy that I couldn't let go of the relationship but he could have easily? Anyways he has ignored me and my messages for 6 months now and I've finally decided to let go and do no contact. A few things I noticed during the time I was in the affair with him was that he would fantasize about me going on dates with him, wearing a specific detailed dress, having kids with him and how many. When he was in Mexico visiting family was fantasizing of me being there with him. Then he would at times tell me specific memories he had when we were 13 and 11 of what i was wearing what conversations we had what i specifically said and he specifically said. I had completely forgotten those details and had lost memory of them until he brought them up. And to be honest that creeped me out. So what im trying to understand here is my narc just a narcissist or is it possible that he has a dangerous obsession with me as well? We're both 26 and 29 now....the length of time in his affection for me from 11 until now just has me worried about what the future is going to be like since I left him and I'm finally going no contact. Oh one more thing to add shamefully on my part because i was at my low point but i noticed He's been blocking me and unblocking me on facebook. I've gone some period of time not talking to him where he would randomly message me responding to some messages he was silent to so im aware of his tactics and how he does them. Please help me understand what mess I'm in with him. Thank you

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  12. We were madly in love never felt this way before, I known for 20 yrs but did not see him for 1o yrs or more. I just walked out of a physical and a emotional abusive marriage I thought he was being a friend and let me vent to him we ended up together I fell in love he agreed and said he felt the same. its been a nightmare for 2 yrs he said I am a lier im a cheater accuses me of everything 5 months after we got together he found a woman he was visiting and helped move there's been more he watches live porn he never releases with me he masterbates to live porn even tried to meet one he said i lied about being somewhere when i was never there he ended it this is like the 100th time but hes being evil. I got to get away he got caught in a lie the same day he said I was lying, and uses viagra for porn and he cant tell me where they went he hid me from all the social sites he changed his status he wants me to know nothing about his personal or social life but he wont leave me alone its my fault im crazy get help. I am done

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