Maybe I have a split personality!

Reprinted with permission of a page reader....

Maybe I have a split personality!

I met my "N" when I decided to do something TOTALLY out of character for me....something I had ALWAYS wanted to do....learn to rock climb. A friend at work was trying to get a group of people together to take lessons and I thought it sounded like a great idea!

I went to the lessons and my "N" was the instructor. I found myself entranced with his confidence, his charisma, his sparkling eyes and his ready smile. 

I want to add, here, that I had made a CONSCIOUS decision to attempt to find someone who was the exact opposite of my first husband. I figured that this would be KEY to finding the right one.

And there he stood!

He was Confident, when my first husband was self-deprecating

He was Boisterous, when my first husband was shy

He was a Leader, when my first husband was a follower

He was Bold, when my first husband was meek

He was Out-spoken when my first husband was quiet and tactful

He was Demanding, when my first husband was unassuming

He Knew His Path, when my first husband seemed to be lost

He was Fun, when my first husband was boring

He Enjoyed life, when my first husband just seemed to get by

He was Attentive, when my first husband had grown inattentive

He was Passionate, when my first husband seemed to be settling

I was enthralled by this man!

I was NOT his first choice among our group of females and I knew that he had approached one of the "more attractive, younger" women in the class who had immediately rebuffed him, even laughed at his advances. I also knew that he was in a committed relationship, living with another woman at the time we met. I saw this an a "minor inconvenience". They were not married, had no plan to marry, had no children. 

In my mind I was thinking "He can't help it that he is stuck in this dead end relationship when the RIGHT ONE happened to show up!"

He told me of the many problems in the current relationship and how it was ending anyway. He "opened up" to me and I found this very flattering. His "girlfriend" was a "cold fish"...and he was sleeping on the couch. There was no sexual relationship any more. He was not in love with her. He was planning to leave before he met me. She was pressuring him to marry her, and he was not interested in doing so, because he did not really love her. He had NEVER loved anyone as much as he loved me. He did not even know such love existed! I was elated! I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for this man that I actually "stalked" him. 

I was not aware of what they called it, at that time, but I would park across 

the street and wait for him to come to work so that I could drop by. 

I became obsessed with him and felt that it was simply meant to be.

This is where the title of this post comes in....

At any time during your relationship with the abuser...did you EVER begin to question whether you had multiple personalities....kind of like "Sybil" on xanax? 

I did! 

Here is why!

"Mr. Spock" and the "Saboteur"

There is, and always has been, this silly little part of me I like to call "Mr. Spock"

...and although Mr. Spock was in very low gear at this point in my life...he did NOT go away. Mr. Spock is my reason, my logic. 

In other parts of my life...he is firmly in charge but in others...he takes a back seat. Mr. Spock was still intact to a small degree and occasionally he would stand up and state a, RESOUNDING, 
"But if....?!" 

Of course, I always had the other voice, the co-dependent voice, rationalizing things for my convenience. Trying to maintain the "status quo"....making me afraid to stand up, ask questions, change anything, for fear of losing my SOULMATE. THIS was the voice that was in control when Mr. Spock was "shut down". Sometimes he had to work REALLY HARD to shut out Spock but sometimes it was EASY!

I call that voice "The Saboteur".

My physical affair with the abuser began nearly immediately and I was even in this woman's house with him while she was out of town. Although this troubled me, and made me worry, I felt no MORAL objection to it...after all...their relationship was through...would he have taken the risk of taking me there if that was not true? 

I began accompanying him on rock climbing trips and, basically, abandoned the care of my children to my Mother. She understood what it was like to be young and in love...so she willingly took over for me so that I could focus all my attention and love on my

 "Prince Charming".

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

Wait...if he is cheating on this woman...and is willing to take ME into her BED...why doesn't he just leave her and why has he not left her before now?

The saboteur: OF COURSE! He told me of his feelings of guilt in abandoning this woman who loved him so much...how he didn't have the heart to hurt her. How he was breaking away gently to help ease her pain. 

It was a WHIRLWIND and I was swept off my feet and gloriously in LOVE! 

Me: "Don't you see, Mr. Spock....what he did in that relationship has NOTHING to do with our relationship! None of that matters!"

My "N" had made several racist remarks during our early courtship so, in fear of  rejection, I just HAPPENED to fail to mention that my first husband was AA...OR that my two children (about which my "N" knew but had never met) were bi-racial. I ALSO just HAPPENED to take down all pictures of them in my home so that he would not see them. 

My reasoning ability was gone by then.

 I simply could NOT lose this man. 

If I just kept the secret until I make sure he is REALLY in love with me, then it won't matter as much when he finds out....

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

If he is a racist, how can you expose your children to this? How can this possibly work out if he hates the the people you love most, simply because of their skin color?! Do you want a relationship with someone who has such a contradictory value system when it comes to something THIS important? There are many AA people in your family, How will this work out?

The saboteur:: I was seeing a councilor at the time and I explained the situation to her. Her question was "Is the relationship serious?" She told me that if the relationship was NOT serious it was really none of his business WHO I was married to in the past! Sounds like a perfectly reasonable boundary to me...of course I HAD NO knowledge of boundaries in practice. 

Me: So there Mr. Spock! I can keep my secret until I JUDGE that the relationship is "Serious"! 

Well, his live in girlfriend discovered that he had brought me into her home and she threw him out. Turns out nearly EVERYTHING in THEIR home had actually been HER property so he did not have much to pack...and he scooted back home to live with his Mother and Grandfather. That left us free to begin our life together! 
Shortly, thereafter, I met his Mother...the "N" in law. 
She was loud...
she was abrasive...
she was outwardly mean...
she was demanding...
she was always bordering on rude...
she was entitled...
she was superior...

BUT she couldn't be ALL BAD right? 

After all she had produced this glorious Prince Charming!

Within 10 minutes of meeting her for the first time, she looked at me, sort of laughing and said "Boy, you really ARE stupid aren't you?!" My "N" acted as though it was not a big deal..like he didn't even NOTICE...like she had said "How are you today?"

I was floored!

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

Why is his Mother being so rude to a perfect stranger? Especially to someone who is a person her son states he cares so much about? Would your mother ever act that way? Is it really OK for anyone to speak to you that way!? There are many things you are...and many things that can be said about you....but "STUPID" is not a word that accurately describes you!

The saboteur: But....my Mother raised a daughter who does not respond in haste, or in anger, particularly to someone of such importance to the love of your life! Perhaps she is KIDDING (didn't you see her smirk...and didn't you hear the "joking" tone in her voice?) I have just gotten off from work after working all night....and I DO have a tendency to be a bit OVERSENSITIVE.

If you say anything to rock the boat YOU COULD LOSE HIM!

Me: Shut up Mr Spock..you don't know what you are talking about!

Our relationship continued and became more serious and we were together nearly constantly on a daily basis. So, once again, within a month or so...

Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

Your excuse of not having a "serious relationship" is over. You KNOW that the relationship is getting serious! You must now let him know about the race of your first husband and children. 

For once, I knew Mr. Spock was right.

Now, I was NEVER ASHAMED of my relationship with my first husband, 
and NEVER ashamed of my children. 
I judge people by much more than the color of their skin. 
This is a very deep part of my belief system. 
I truly believe that none of us can claim to be TRULY "color-blind" but I never let any one's race determine their worth in my eyes. 
My concern was HIS feeling about it.
 I KNEW that if he was unable to accept this about my children and me, 
our relationship had no CHANCE of going any further...
and I NEVER intended to try to hide this from him in order to "trap" him 
or "fool" him in any way
 (although that is what he later would say).
 I had disclosed EVERYTHING about my life, my marriage, my children, my family, my addiction...everything EXCEPT the fact that my ex-husband was AA. 
This is important because it would be THAT FACT ALONE that would determine his reaction to the situation. 

I omitted NOTHING ELSE. 

I was so deeply in love with him that it terrified me that he would 

reject me because of that

...but I knew that, if he did, I would pursue him no further. 

It was a DEAL BREAKER for both of us.

So, one day, as he was dropping me off at home, I asked him why he had never asked me any questions about my children. He admitted that he had started to wonder why he had never seen them. 
I braced myself for the blow and showed him a picture of my children. 
He took the picture and looked at it. 
His expression never changed. 
He handed the picture back to me. 
No words were spoken. 
He kissed me, we said goodbye, 
and I got out of the car and went into the house.

Then NOTHING.

He did not call me. 

I did not hear from him. 

There was no contact. 

For three days. 

This was an EXTREME change from our constant contact, and although 

I felt like I was dying inside...

Mr. Spock tried to comfort me with logic. Although it hurts, you know you cannot live with a racist..someone who would let the color of your children's skin make him so uncomfortable that he no longer loves you. 
CAN someone who REALLY loves you turn off love JUST LIKE THAT?! 
You are likely better off!

Mr. Spock was speaking the truth and I knew it. 

It was inevitable...

it was logical...

but OH!, it was SO PAINFUL! 

There was nothing else to do. 

If he wanted no further contact then that was just the way it would have to be.

I did not ONCE attempt to contact him!

After 3 days...my "N" called me. He said that the news had "floored him" at first and he simply did NOT know, at that time, if he could deal with it. 
He had spoken to his Mother "N" and she had told him that he should clear out because it would ruin his life. 
He had spoken to his Brother (also not fond of AA) who had, surprisingly, told him that if he loved me, it should not matter. 
He had spoken to his Father (a reformed racist who was actually MARRIED to an AA at the time) who mirrored what his Brother had told him. 
He had thought about it and come to the decision that he could "accept it". 

My heart started to soar with relief...

And then Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

He can "accept it" but that mean he doesn't consider it wrong? 
Is he still thinking that this a simply a "mistake" you made? 
Something that you REGRET?!?
 Isn't he still a RACIST? 
Won't this come back to haunt you later? 
He had to ask OTHER PEOPLE what to do before he decided to "accept it"!? 
He completely turned off his love for you and did not contact you for 3 days
...to discuss it...to talk about it...to understand your position! 
He was willing to even CONSIDER this to be worth giving up this LOVE 
that he claims is SO GLORIOUS!?! 

Because of skin color!? 

The saboteur: BUT....I DID spring it on him all at once. I had hidden it from him for months. Wouldn't that make you step back if the shoe was on the other foot? Can he help how he was raised?! He says that he REALLY isn't a racist but just that it surprised him...that's probably true! If he was TRULY a racist would he even CONSIDER continuing with the relationship?! And even if he is, a tiny bit racist...does that mean he can't CHANGE?! His Father was a racist once too, and HE changed!! 
How WONDERFUL that he loves me SO MUCH that he is willing to try to understand! 
He must REALLY feel the same way I do! 
He must REALLY love me!

Me: Shut up Mr Spock..you don't know what you are talking about!

About 3 months after he moved in with his Mother (after his live in girlfriend ended the relationship) my "N" came to my house. 

With a serious look he told me the following story...

He stated he had been contacted by his "ex" who had advised him that she was pregnant with his child. She had just recently discovered she was pregnant despite the long interval of time since the relationship ended. He felt that, although he wanted nothing to do with his "ex" he would, obviously, want to be involved in the life of his child.

I felt the world move under my feet...I came as close as I have EVER been to fainting

...I was stunned, despondent, breathless, crushed, hopeless and completely devastated! My mind raced! 

I felt panic! 

I immediately knew that he would NEVER be completely free of this woman now...

that our relationship was over! 

His expressed plan and desire to be in the life of his unborn child made me believe that he would, naturally, take his responsibility as a father very seriously, 
and WOULD WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN. 
I had NOT considered that before. 
HE HAD NO CHILDREN, and with ME, he NEVER WOULD.
I could never have more children! 
I had a tubal ligation after my second child! 

I would NEVER be able to offer him a child of our own to 
compete with the bond he would have with that child!
Was that FAIR to HIM?!
Wasn't that going to come back to haunt us later?!

I, quite literally, saw my life flash before my eyes! 
I stood there in shock...barely breathing...my heart heavy...despondent and devastated...

Then he said....

APRIL FOOLS!

I was angry! I was relieved! I was furious! I was elated!

I was INCREDULOUS at the cruelty of this joke! 
I was in tears.

He was laughing! 
He was taunting me! 
He was saying "You just can't take a joke".

I was trying to explain why I was so upset. 
I was telling him that I thought it was the end of our relationship. 

Then he said "I don't believe you are saying that you would have ended our relationship if this was true! 
How dare you! 
I have accepted YOUR children. 
I am willing to deal with that! 
But if I had a child YOU would not even be able to continue our relationship?!?"

He was angry! 
He was furious! 
He was incredulous!

I was apologizing. 

I was sorry. 

I was wrong. 

I was inferior to him. 

My love for him was not equal to his love for me. 

Deep inside I realized that I was not WORTHY of his love! 

This was proof! 

It became imperative that I hold on to this man as NO ONE would EVER 

love me this much again. Not EVER! 

He was my gift from God and, if I was not VERY CAREFUL, 

someone would steal him away from me....

It was on that VERY DAY that I began research into having my 
tubal reversed and In Vitro Fertilization! 
I was already in my mid thirties...there was no time to waste!

If he was willing to SETTLE FOR ME...with all my issues...
he should NOT be punished for it. 
I WOULD find a way!

He DESERVED a CHILD and I WOULD find a way to give him one!

And Mr. Spock said..."But IF..."

Why would he do that to you?! 
That was so CRUEL! 
Would someone who loved you do that!?! 
Shouldn't a normal person have the ability to see how that would affect you!? 

How did YOU end up apologizing?! 

Something is wrong! 

There is a Danger Here!

The saboteur: But he is here...and he loves me. 
He loves me more than I ever hoped to be loved. 
He is wonderful, his is forgiving, he is everything!

Me: Shut up Mr Spock!

After that...Mr. Spock's voice became more dim with each passing month 
and year. Sometimes I could no longer hear him at all.

The saboteur: That's OK. You don't need Mr. Spock. 

He simply cannot possibly understand your love.

And so it went for nearly 2 decades...